Thursday, July 2, 2009

Robots Rock! People Suck.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Release: 06.24.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 30 minutes

Second Run Seats

Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) and his Autobots are working with the American military to track and eliminate the Decepticons remaining on Earth. These rogue Decepticons are actually scouring the globe as part of a plot by the ancient Transformer known only as the Fallen (Tony Todd, The Rock). Their scheme is to recover a shard of the All Spark, revive Megatron (Hugo Weaving, V for Vendetta), locate the Matrix of Knowledge, destroy Optimus, and rape the Earth of its Energon; not necessarily in that order.

For a film about robots, Revenge wastes a HUGE amount of time filling the minutes with extraneous details about the ineffectual ants littering the screen. I don't give one drippy ounce of flaccid ejaculate about Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, Constantine) embarking on his college adventure, his relationship with smokin' hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox, Transformers), his dillweed roommate, or his parents and their obnoxious hijinks. I also don't give one smelly fart about the walking-talking dildo of a government agent hell-bent on dismantling NEST: that's the robot-human military team comprised of Major Lennox (Josh Duhamel, Turistas), Master Sergeant Epps (Tyrese Gibson, Annapolis) and an army of bodybags.

Unlike many critics, I harbor no inherent disdain for director Michael Bay (Bad Boys). I enjoyed the hell out of The Rock, Armageddon, and The Island. Also, he's the last director to give Theresa Randle a role in a major motion picture, which deserves some respect. But frankly, he doesn't know dick about making a quality sequel as evidenced first in Bad Boys II, and even more so with Revenge of the Fallen.

With the history established in Transformers, Bay needed to develop the human face of the robots, but Revenge couldn't make us care less. Don't say people can't care for robots; damn near every person in the world went all weepy over a talking trash compactor on treads last year. Writers Ehren Kruger (Skeleton Key), Robert Orci (Legend of Zorro), and Alex Kurtzman (Star Trek) could have crafted more than robot caricatures if they hadn't wasted pages stitching in slap-dash scenes for those meddling humans. It also might have helped if Bay had stopped the gorram camera from zooming and spinning for five friggin' seconds!

Dirty Undies
Oh Megan, you are a pretty one aren't you? You've got a tight body, lovely deep blue eyes and one hollow melon on your shoulders. A word of advice; when you audition for your next role, you want to choke it down your throat. Being repeatedly poked in the brainpan will only worsen your deteriorating mental state. Stay foxy.

Open Prime's glovebox and you'll find a his wallet etched with "Bad Motherfucker." In a fantastic forest battle, Optimus wrecks several Decepticons proving he will stop at nothing to protect the human race. If you're a Decepticon locked in hand-to-hand combat, watch out man! Optimus will rip your fucking face off, punch a hole through your chest, and slice a hole in your engine block with a quickness! No wonder he's the Autobot leader; he'd shove the opposition's muffler so far up their ass they'd choke on exhaust before they could even challenge him.

The Money Shot
I had to throw up my hands in disbelief when half-way through Revenge John Turturro's character, Simmons, says, "Let's not get episodic. Beginning. Middle. End. The plot. Tell it!" Why, for the love of all that is holy, would the writers put such an instruction in the script and fail so miserably to adhere to it?! Bay's explosions and action sequences are phenomenal and the feat of coordinating actors with the astounding CGI and effects is no simple task, but let's face it, Revenge is lazy storytelling.

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  1. I can't do it. I just can't go see this. (And I liked The Island too - just thought Bay ruined it by having to throw all those explosions in there.)

  2. Bay's like Bruckheimer in that respect, if he can figure out a way to blow it up, he will.

  3. After I finish writing my review, I will read yours. I have to admit that I liked this film more than the first one.

    The action was better and I loved the girls.

    RC got her ass blown up like she should have in Transformers: The Movie.

    I will save the rest for my review or I will right a couple paragraphs in your comments.