Wednesday, February 6, 2008

More Than A Mouthful

I want to try a little something different today with a new segment I call "More Than a Mouthful." Everyday some topic pops into my mind that I consider 'bloggable.' However, watching movies, reading comics, writing reviews, eating, sleeping, and um, oh yeah, working get in the way of prattling on and on about any and everything.

More Than a Mouthful will be an outlet to list a handful of the random things that pervade my gray matter. It is also a place to showcase anything new on the blog that may have escaped your attention. If I receive more than a few comments about any one subject, I may deem it worthy of an official posting; otherwise we'll just chalk it up to the ramblings of a semi-senile man.

In Reel Whore and general movie blogging business, I have been tapped to write a segment for the Large Association of Movie Blogs, a.k.a. the LAMB, for the month long lead-up to the Oscars known as The LAMB Devours the Oscars. If you're looking for a quick, intelligent diversion from your busy day, this collaborative effort offers all that and more! You're already over a week behind so don't waste another day!

In a bit of Reel Whore business, I have added a new poll. I've dubbed this the "Love Poll." With V-Day approaching next week I want to know which of the romantic lovey-dovey films in theaters is the one you will use to score brownie points with your special someone, the one you most want to be wooed with during your night on the town, or just the one you think is the least heave-inducing.

In movie news, the Heath Ledger autopsy results have been reported. Ledger died as a result of an accidental overdose of prescription medications. Such a tragedy. He will be missed.

In the things that make you say What the Fuck?! category, I caught this new music video last week. It's "Scream", the latest Timbaland single featuring Keri Hilson and Nicole Scherzinger. The WTF moment begins about 48 seconds in with Ms. Nicole and then continues with Ms. Keri. I have come to realize that music videos, when you can find them, have gotten dumber, but does anyone else agree the ski masks have to be the latest in the line of dumbest things you've ever seen?

I think that's enough for this first time around the block. Stay tuned for more happenings and ramblings.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Friday, February 1, 2008

Who Says No to That Face?!

Over Her Dead Body

Release: 02/01/2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 35 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$)


To address those that may ask right off the bat, no, my wife did not drag me to this. In fact, she was just as wary to see Over Her Dead Body as I was. But as my title implies, who wouldn't go see a film with Paul Rudd? If you've been fortunate enough to avoid every trailer for this film let me break it down for you.

Henry, played by Paul Rudd (The Oh in Ohio), is about to get married to Kate, played by Eva Longoria Parker of Desperate Housewives fame. Fortunately for Henry, divine intervention occurs and Kate is crushed on their wedding day. Fast-forward a year; Henry still mourns and lil' sis Chloe, portrayed by Lindsay Sloane (Bring it On), takes him to the psychic Ashley, played by Lake Bell, so the spirit of Kate can tell Henry to move on. What no one realizes is that Kate has been hanging around and when Ashley and Henry begin to fall in love, she uses her supernatural ability for annoyance to rip the union asunder.

If the story sounds lame, I can do you one better...Eva's acting. She has a few convincing moments in the movie, but mostly she seems to be sputtering through her lines while conveying vacant expressions into the camera. And since I can't help but kick a woman when she's down, let's discuss her make-up artist and stylist's need to bronze this woman from head to toe. I really wish I knew who conned the world into thinking a woman with hair color that matches her skin tone is sexy. I'd like to find that person and shellac him into a nice monochromatic stupor. I'm honestly surprised the scleras of Longoria Parker's eyes weren't as bronze as the rest of her. (The sclera is the white of your eye, and, yes, I had to look that up.) But I digress. My point is that she stunk up the place, visually and verbally.

Next in line for the walk of shame is writer Jeff Lowell who decided to take the directorial reigns in hand to craft this comedic masterpiece, as it were. The awkward cuts between characters and too-close close-ups provide evidence a-plenty that this is his first time behind the big-boy camera. The writing isn't terrible; there was just entirely too much filler between the conflict and resolution of the story. Also, I am wondering why Paul Rudd didn't get a writing credit because his lines sounded no different than any of his Reno 911! or Judd Apatow film appearances. I get the feeling I've been giving to much credit to Apatow for utilizing Rudd. Paul Rudd's presence is the sole reason this film ranked a Second-Run Seats rating. I don't think anyone could bestow a Group Rental rating on someone so damned adorable!

On the plus side, the remaining cast does a commendable job although Stephen Root (Office Space) is an utter waste and it's curious to see Jason Biggs (Loser) playing a role a one-legged chimp could play..guess he's fallen farther than I thought.

Dirty Undies
Overall, Over Her Dead Body is pretty tame fare. We never actually witness the crushing of Kate, a definite deduction in my opinion. Kate and Ashley toss some verbal slurs. The best Undies offering is Lake Bell who parades her lady bits for Rudd and the world to see. Granted, we don't get to see the full goods, but those knockers could provide plenty of bass in a chorus of the bells. Oh, I almost forgot to once again mention how damn lovable Paul Rudd is.

The Money Shot
Thanks to the diligent efforts of most of the cast, Over Her Dead Body turns out to be a film that I'd consider to be mildly enjoyable on one of my more positive of days. The story is predictable and not nearly as touching as it thinks it is. Now's the time I'd take my special lady friend to see 27 Dresses again instead of being dragged to this chick flick.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Trailer Trash: The February Gang Bang

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Monday, January 28, 2008

Ode to Rambo

RAMBO


Release:
01/25/2008
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$)
or Matinee ($$$) if solely for the killin'



Before I begin, I'd like to express my utter amazement that Rambo limped into second at the box office against Meet the Spartans. While I futilely hoped it would effortlessly slide into the #1 position I can't believe it lost to Meet the Spartans. That's just wrong on so many levels.

Don't ask me why I have M.I.A.'s Paper Planes on the brain lately. I just know this is my latest jam. It's so ingrained in my mind that I even wrote my Rambo review to its catchy chorus. If you're not familiar with the song, check out the video (the chorus begins around 56 seconds):



Paper Planes Chorus:
All I Wanna Do Is
- Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
and uh
- Click, Ching! and Take Your Money!

With this banging hook in your mind, let's all sing along to a little diddy I like to call Ode to Rambo. Like to hear it? Here it go!

The Audience Chorus: (to be repeated between verses)
All We Wanna See Is - Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
we pay
- Click, Ching! now kick ass Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Slice! Slice! Slice! Slice! -
we pay
- Click, Ching! now gut thugs Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip! -
we pay
- Click, Ching! now rip throats Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! -
we pay
- Click, Ching! kill something Rambo!

First Verse - The Establishing Moment:
All He Wanna Do Is - Putter...Putter... -
and uh
- Splish, Splash! and cruise the river.

All He Wanna Do Is - Rustle...Rustle... -
and uh
- Hiss, Hiss! and catch the cobra.

All He Wanna Do Is - Putter...Putter... -
and uh - Splish, Splash! and cruise the river.

All He Wanna Do Is - Twang! Twang! -
and uh
- Splish, Splash! and hunt the fishes.


Second Verse - The Set-
Up:
All They Wanna Do Is - Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray! -
and uh
- Mend, Mend! to save the Karen.

All He Gotta Say Is - (Men-A-Cing-Stare) -
and uh (dead stare) - "Burma's a war zone."

All They Wanna Do Is - Beg, Beg, Beg, Beg! -
and uh - Plead, Plead! to cruise the river.

All He Gotta Say Is - (Men-A-Cing-Stare) -
and uh (dead stare) - ....."Fuck the World."


Third Verse - The Plot:

All He Wanna Do Is - Ting!Ting!Ting!Ting! -
and uh
- Clank! Clank! to work the metal.

All She Wanna Do Is - Nag!Nag!Nag!Nag! -
and uh
- Huff! Huff! to guilt trip Rambo.

All He Wanna Do Is- Wish!Wish!Wish!Wish! -
to uh
- Slap Skinz! with Ms. Julie Benz.

All They Wanna Do Is -
Run!Run!Run!Run! -
and uh
- Duck! Duck! and dodge those bullets.


Fourth Verse - The 'Bout Fuckin' Time Moment
:


All He Wanna Do Is - Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
and uh
- Click, Bang! and Rambo kicks ass!

All He Wanna Do Is - Slice! Slice! Slice! Slice! -
and uh - Thunk! Twist! and Rambo gut thugs!

All He Wanna Do Is - Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip! -
and uh - Guuurrgglle! and Rambo rips throats!

All He Wanna Do Is - Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! -
and uh - Ka-Boom! Rambo kills everyone!

(END of Ode to Rambo)


For those without any musical inclination, I offer this brief translation. At a runtime of an hour and a half, Rambo only offers up relentless, unfettered bloodshed and mayhem in the final thirty minutes. The remainder of the film is cluttered with clunky backstory about Rambo and the victims of the Burmese military along with a meek effort to construct a believable cause worthy enough to drag this sixty-year-old behemoth from his grumpy slumber. Stallone is fucking massive; I can't see how a single Thai or mercenary within a hundred miles would want to piss him off.

If you're looking for a story, go watch something else. If you, like me, are eager to see a senior citizen annihilate an entire third-world military presence with a bow, a knife, and a truckload of bullets, then just show up for the last half hour and you won't be disappointed.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Thursday, January 24, 2008

One More Reason To See Rambo

UNTRACEABLE


Release:
01/25/2008
Rated R
1 hour, 40 minutes


Group Rental ($)




One stormy night (is there any other kind?) in Portland, FBI Cyber Crimes Agent Jennifer Marsh, played by Diane Lane (Judge Dredd), is handed a sticky note with the website www.killwithme.com scribbled upon it. Checking the lead, she finds a kitten being slowly tortured via streaming video. Uncaring as the FBI is, the site is shelved until a a few days later when it streams live once again, this time with a man whose torturous death is hastened by the increasing number of visitors accessing the site. Marsh is tapped to lead the task force to track down the killer as victim after victim suffers at the hands of the populace's morbid curiosity.

Agent Marsh is joined in the cyber-manhunt by techno-savvy fellow agent Griffin Dowd, played by Colin Hanks (Orange County), and by Portland homicide detective Eric Box, played by Billy Burke (*Along Came a Spider). Together the trio prove to be the most ineffectual and inept investigators in not only Oregon, but possibly the entire planet. The script by Robert Fyvolent, Mark Brinker and Allison Burnett is the first major hurdle that sends this tale plunging flat on its face. The first act is bloated with lengthy techno jargon about how crafty the killer supposedly is. The task force, as it were, poke at keyboards, throw their hands up in geekified defeat, and then stare in a shocked stupor as the victim expires. Act I proves that the killer, who conveniently operates out of the Portland area, can effortlessly thwart the FBI's best tracking efforts and completely avoid having witnesses to the abductions.

Act II trudges forward with continued futility until a breakthrough reveals the killer's identity. In my opinion it reveals that a five-minute stretch break from the PC for the cybercops would have yielded far better results. If my years of watching TV cop shows and far superior crime thrillers have taught me anything, it is that basic detective skills, a competent profiler or even a simple Google Search could have identified the killer before the first human victim died. But what can you expect from users with MSN as their homepage?

The wooden performances could have been attributed to the vacuous script, but Lane & Co. deserve some of the credit as they plod through their lines with clueless expressions. Blame also lies with director Gregory Hoblit (Frequency) for linking meetings of the mindless detectives by a series of extended establishing shots instead of injecting thrilling moments into the film. Hoblit earns the distinction of raising dumbfounding to mind-numbing heights.

Dirty Undies
I thought the torture would at least be the saving grace of this film. There was a morbid delight watching the excruciating Saw-like contraptions extract blood and sear flesh. It was all for naught when the climax evokes a chastising tone towards the torture-porn loving ilk of our society. What is truly torturous is looking at Lane's bedraggled mug! Lane has evoked some genital stirrings in the past (Hollywoodland and Unfaithful come to mind), but here she looks like she's been ridden hard and put up wet.

The Money Shot
Watching the trailer, I just knew Untraceable was going to suck...I never imagined it would suck this much! I'd normally ease this pain by reminding myself 'at least it was free' but the minutes of my life that were stolen had to be worth more than this.

Happy Birthday Miss Lane. If scathing backlash from this putrid film was on your birthday list this week, better make more room at the gift table. Maybe next month's Jumper will prove better for you...hahahaha, I crack myself up sometimes.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

In Memoriam

HEATH LEDGER
April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008


My bud called me at 5pm today to tell me Heath Ledger was found dead. He was a great actor and he will be missed. It is with great sadness I present a double
Repeat Bidness in tribute to Heath Ledger.



Lords of Dogtown
"More of a whirlwind than a zephyrous brood are they."



Release: 06/03/2005
DVD Release: 09/27/2005

Rated PG-13 (DVD: UR)
1 hour, 47 minutes


Full
Price ($$$$) <> Matinee ($$$)



Skateboarding legend Stacy Peralta brings audiences another rendition of his teenage years as one of the Z-Boys of 1970’s era Venice Beach. This film follows the rise of the Zephyr skateboarding team from their no worries lifestyle of surfing and skating when not in school to their skyrocketing fame in American pop culture. In particular, the film focuses on the lives of Jay Adams, Tony Alva, and of course Stacy Peralta, who are played by relative newcomers Emile Hirsch (The Girl Next Door), Victor Rasuk, and John Robinson. The film mostly evades the kids’ personal lives, instead focusing on their real home atop urethane wheels.

Sophomore director Catherine Hardwicke brings a life and vitality to the film that is immediately engrossing. Countless scenes are filmed from a behind the board perspective, chasing the kids up the walls of swimming pools and down broken sidewalks, giving the audience a slight taste of what it was like to roll with the Z-Boys. The Z-Boys team was created by surfer/pirate/shop owner Skip, played astoundingly well by Heath Ledger (Monster’s Ball) who seems to be channeling his inner Val Kilmer. In fact, acting on the part of Ledger, Hirsch, and Rebecca De Mornay makes them nearly unrecognizable as their true selves. Acting on the parts of many of the other characters, however, does not garner nearly as much praise. Being a landlubber, I cannot honestly comment on how true to the history this rendition of the Dogtown legacy is, other than knowing that Peralta also wrote the award winning documentary “Dogtown and Z-Boys.” The story with its stunt packed segues moves quickly, allowing you to live in the limelight alongside the characters and keeps your eyes from wandering to your watch.

Dirty Undies
If you’re one of the few people drawn to this film by Rebecca De Mornay, be excited for her portrayal of Jay Adams’ mother but steer clear if you’re looking for any sex appeal. Rebecca is to’ up from the flo’ up in this pic, and I am not understating this in the least! Now I’ve got to give a big HOO-HAH! to America Ferrera (Real Women Have Curves). This young Honduran actress will have you down with the thickness as she portrays the hot-to-trot skate groupie, Thunder Monkey. Yeah, you heard me right. I can bet that her character in Dogtown is vastly different from her role in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, which also opened this weekend. All of this exposure should prove fruitful for someone who has a very bright future in acting. Although the main actors play high-schoolers, keep in mind that they are 19 years and older, so drooling over their machismo, long hair, and bare chests is legally allowed. The best part is that shirts come off frequently and you meat hounds can be sassified within the first two minutes!

What kind of movie about teen angst would be complete without a little casual drug use and random throwdowns? These kids, and even a few of the adults, are powder kegs of emotions fueled by fame, fortune, drugs, and personal problems. While nothing drastically violent or disturbing occurs, the tone is apparent. The film features many cameos by the original Z-Boys, though unless an avid fan, you will be likely to miss them as they are mainly “Party Guy #2” type roles. Still, it’s nice to know that Peralta and several of his friends could show their support for a film about themselves. As an added treat for current skate hounds, Tony Hawk drops in to make a fool of himself.

The Money Shot
Overall, it is a riveting film, worthy of shilling out a few bucks to become part of the seedy yet luxurious world of 70’s boarding.


Brokeback Mountain
"Rough Riding Romance on the Range."

Release: 12/09/2005
DVD Release: 04/04/2006

Rated R
2 hours, 14 minutes

> FULL PRICE ($$$$)


Ang Lee (Ride with the Devil) directs this ‘incredibly true adventure’ of two cowboys in love adapted from the E. Annie Proulx short story. Set in 1963 Wyoming, the audience first meets Heath Ledger (*Monster’s Ball) who portrays the emotionally shielded yet fierce ranch hand Ennis Del Mar. Ennis is joined by the talkative, wild-at-heart wannabe rodeo cowboy Jack Twist, played by Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko). The two get hired to herd sheep on the rolling slopes of Brokeback Mountain. After their secluded summer ends, the film chronicles their love over the next two decades.

Lee has created an emotionally stirring, beautifully crafted film. Every sequence shot has the feel of a masterful portrait capable of telling volumes. Each moment, gesture, look, or exchange has a meticulously wrought feel. Ledger’s throaty portrayal of Ennis as the lone ranger of very few words will leave you heartbroken. His rigidly clenched jaw and glowering eyes convey the range of feelings broiling beneath his rough exterior. Ledger’s performance is overshadowed only by that of Michelle Williams (*The Station Agent), who plays his wife, Alma. Williams blends into the struggling life of the Del Mars, with child on hip and secrets weighing her conscience. If Williams does not get nominated and win the Academy Award, there truly is no justice in the world. Gyllenhaal is vibrant and full of energy; he acts well opposite Ledger and Anne Hathaway, who plays his wife Lureen. Gyllenhaal’s bright blue eyes are almost equally as expressive as Ledger’s stoic features but his character benefits from being far more communicative.

Lee’s film is as enchanting visually as it is emotionally. The Brokeback Mountain landscapes are breathtaking. Seeing the rocky slopes and plush grasslands onscreen helps you understand the meaning behind the phrase, “God’s Country.” The film uses the most miniscule details to expound upon the blossoming love between the cowboys and its resulting hardships. As the story’s timeline is progressed through both characters and events, subtle changes in appearances suggest the passage of months, sometimes years. If I had to nitpick any single detail of this film, it would be Ledger’s weathered look as his years on the plains affect him. The make-up looks slightly less than spectacular, but it’s such a minor flaw in comparison to the work as a whole.

Dirty Undies
Ledger and Gyllenhaal not only bare their souls but their asses on the sunny mountainside. The fellas display their ravenous sexual appetite as they prove equally adept at satisfying their women. Williams and Hathaway, not to be outdone, display their bouncy bits as much as the boys flaunt their firmness. Passion is often accompanied by a darker edge, and Brokeback Mountain is marked by a few disturbingly violent images that will linger in your mind.

The Money Shot
Brokeback
Mountain
’s simple and profound tale of love will haunt you. I found myself thinking of Jack and Ennis days after leaving the theater, and not just in a sexually affirming kind of way. The film is deserving of its hype, and worthy of everyone’s patronage. If the film’s homosexual subject matter keeps you away, you would be doing yourself a disservice.

Large Association of Movie Blogs

Monday, January 21, 2008

88 miles per hour!

After posting my Best of 2007: Confessions of a Reel Whore, a strange thing happened. A DeLorean spun into my driveway and a crazy looking man jumped out babbling about flux capacitors and not needing roads. After settling him down, he explained he wanted to relive my Best of reviews from years gone by.

Knowing how spotty the DeLorean's time controls can be, I instead decided to post my old Best of reviews here for everyone to enjoy. Before you go back, a few things to note:

1) Thanks to the exquisite compatibility of MS Word to all other computer programs, the layout of the review may not be pristine replicas of the original. Don't let that deter you.
2) These Best of reviews occur prior to the birth of the Reel Whore. Any references to a prior incarnation with a less cool name may be disregarded.
3) Never, never ever feed it after midnight...umm, scratch that.

Back in Time...
2006
2005
2004
2003


Have a blast from my past.

Large Association of Movie Blogs