Ode to Rambo

RAMBO


Release: 01/25/2008
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$)
or Matinee ($$$) if solely for the killin'



Before I begin, I'd like to express my utter amazement that Rambo limped into second at the box office against Meet the Spartans. While I futilely hoped it would effortlessly slide into the #1 position I can't believe it lost to Meet the Spartans. That's just wrong on so many levels.

Don't ask me why I have M.I.A.'s Paper Planes on the brain lately. I just know this is my latest jam. It's so ingrained in my mind that I even wrote my Rambo review to its catchy chorus. If you're not familiar with the song, check out the video (the chorus begins around 56 seconds):

Paper Planes Chorus:
All I Wanna Do Is - Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
and uh - Click, Ching! and Take Your Money!

With this banging hook in your mind, let's all sing along to a little diddy I like to call Ode to Rambo. Like to hear it? Here it go!

The Audience Chorus: (to be repeated between verses)
All We Wanna See Is - Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
we pay - Click, Ching! now kick ass Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Slice! Slice! Slice! Slice! -
we pay - Click, Ching! now gut thugs Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip! -
we pay - Click, Ching! now rip throats Rambo!

All We Wanna See Is - Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! -
we pay - Click, Ching! kill something Rambo!

First Verse - The Establishing Moment:
All He Wanna Do Is - Putter...Putter... -
and uh - Splish, Splash! and cruise the river.

All He Wanna Do Is - Rustle...Rustle... -
and uh - Hiss, Hiss! and catch the cobra.

All He Wanna Do Is - Putter...Putter... -
and uh - Splish, Splash! and cruise the river.

All He Wanna Do Is - Twang! Twang! -
and uh - Splish, Splash! and hunt the fishes.


Second Verse - The Set-Up:
All They Wanna Do Is - Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray! -
and uh - Mend, Mend! to save the Karen.

All He Gotta Say Is - (Men-A-Cing-Stare) -
and uh (dead stare) - "Burma's a war zone."

All They Wanna Do Is - Beg, Beg, Beg, Beg! -
and uh - Plead, Plead! to cruise the river.

All He Gotta Say Is - (Men-A-Cing-Stare) -
and uh (dead stare) - ....."Fuck the World."


Third Verse - The Plot:
All He Wanna Do Is - Ting!Ting!Ting!Ting! -
and uh - Clank! Clank! to work the metal.

All She Wanna Do Is - Nag!Nag!Nag!Nag! -
and uh - Huff! Huff! to guilt trip Rambo.

All He Wanna Do Is- Wish!Wish!Wish!Wish! -
to uh - Slap Skinz! with Ms. Julie Benz.

All They Wanna Do Is - Run!Run!Run!Run! -
and uh - Duck! Duck! and dodge those bullets.


Fourth Verse - The 'Bout Fuckin' Time Moment:


All He Wanna Do Is - Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -
and uh - Click, Bang! and Rambo kicks ass!

All He Wanna Do Is - Slice! Slice! Slice! Slice! -
and uh - Thunk! Twist! and Rambo gut thugs!

All He Wanna Do Is - Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip! -
and uh - Guuurrgglle! and Rambo rips throats!

All He Wanna Do Is - Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! -
and uh - Ka-Boom! Rambo kills everyone!

(END of Ode to Rambo)


For those without any musical inclination, I offer this brief translation. At a runtime of an hour and a half, Rambo only offers up relentless, unfettered bloodshed and mayhem in the final thirty minutes. The remainder of the film is cluttered with clunky backstory about Rambo and the victims of the Burmese military along with a meek effort to construct a believable cause worthy enough to drag this sixty-year-old behemoth from his grumpy slumber. Stallone is fucking massive; I can't see how a single Thai or mercenary within a hundred miles would want to piss him off.

If you're looking for a story, go watch something else. If you, like me, are eager to see a senior citizen annihilate an entire third-world military presence with a bow, a knife, and a truckload of bullets, then just show up for the last half hour and you won't be disappointed.