Confessions of a Reel Whore, Part I

Welcome Stargazers!

Gather ‘round for it begins today. After a year of dark theaters and well-worn couches, I have pulled myself into the light to pile up my ticket stubs, sift through my Netflix history, add the denominator and carry the remainder of pi, all while consulting the star charts. The smoke has cleared, and the result is not a brunette bombshell with good bone structure and a British accent, but The Best (and Worst) in Cinema of 2007 a.k.a. Confessions of a Reel Whore.

From January 1 to December 31, 2007 over 900 films were released into U.S. theaters and straight-to-DVD, according to The Numbers. Of those, my confessions are limited to the 113 films I viewed in theaters or from my couch. Note that even though I saw several more 2006 releases in early 2007, this list ONLY accounts for 2007 releases.

As with previous annual reviews, I chose to organize my picks into a Top 7 where the #1 choice is the hands-down winner and the remaining six fall a close second. Why 7? “Seven’s the key number here.” Who has time for eight in this day and age? And six!? I can’t even break a sweat with six! It’s gotta be seven, man, seven!

In the spirit of all things 7, I have divvied my list of movies into 7 categories. You may not agree with the designations for every film, and that’s your prerogative. What is important is that each category has all the films that will vie for titles of Best and Worst for each category. That major announcement, dear readers will be saved until the finale. Today we start by presenting the full listing of every 2007 theatrical release I have seen.

Reel Whore’s
Total Tricks Turned in '07

Action (11 films)
300; The Bourne Ultimatum; The Condemned; DOA: Dead or Alive; Hitman; Hot Fuzz; Live Free or Die Hard; Rush Hour 3; Shooter; Shoot ‘Em Up; Smokin’ Aces

Comedy (20 films)
Balls of Fury; Blades of Glory; Code Name: The Cleaner; The Darjeeling Limited; Death at a Funeral; Hairspray; Happily N'Ever After; Hot Rod; I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry; Juno; Knocked Up; Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium; Mr. Woodcock; Ocean's Thirteen; Ratatouille; Reno 911!: Miami; The Simpsons Movie; Superbad; Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story; Wild Hogs

Drama (21 films)
3:10 to Yuma; A Mighty Heart; Alpha Dog; American Gangster; Before the Devil Knows You're Dead;Black Snake Moan; Cashback; Charlie Wilson's War; Descent; Elizabeth: The Golden Age; Gone, Baby, Gone; I'm Not There; Lions for Lambs; Michael Clayton; Pride; Rocket Science; Talk to Me; The Martian Child; The Namesake; The Nanny Diaries; Things We Lost in the Fire

Horror (15 films)
1408; 28 Weeks Later; 30 Days of Night; Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon; Bug; Captivity; Dead Silence; Dnevnoy dozor (Daywatch); Grindhouse; Gwoemul (The Host); Halloween; Severance; The Hills Have Eyes II; The Hitcher; Vacancy

Romance (15 films)
Because I Said So; Blood and Chocolate; Catch and Release; Dan in Real Life; Enchanted; Evening; The Ex; Good Luck Chuck; I Think I Love My Wife; Lars and the Real Girl; Once; The Perfect Holiday; Waitress; Why Did I Get Married?; Year of the Dog

Sci-Fi/Fantasy (14 films)
Bridge to Terabithia; D-War; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Ghost Rider; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; I am Legend; The Last Mimzy; Paprika; Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End; Shrek the Third; Spider-Man 3; Stardust; TMNT; Transformers

Thriller (15 films)
Breach; Eastern Promises; The Lookout; Mr. Brooks; Next; No Country for Old Men; The Number 23; Perfect Stranger; Premonition; The Reaping; Rise: Blood Hunter; Slow Burn; Sunshine; Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street; Zodiac

Now that the films have been divided into 7 categories, it’s time to present my first Top 7 award. Future listings will follow the same format. The #1 position is the film I consider to be, hands-down, the best of 2007, while the remaining six nip closely at its heels.

Award #1: Sexiest Actor of 2007
While some awards recognize stellar performances, I have examined the men of 2007 for what makes people swoon: winning smiles, finely honed bodies and all-around sexiness. I discovered 2007 was the year of the bad boys. I guess it’s true; women say they want a nice guy, but this year’s hunkiest men were the shadiest under the tree. This year's also-rans, in no particular order are:

The Sloppy Seconds

Timothy Olyphant
Quite a boon year for Olyphant. He was undeniably skeevy, yet charismatic, in the less than captivating rom-com Catch and Release. He upgraded wardrobe and unkempt hair to become all GQ-smooth in Live Free or Die Hard. Granted, he was nothing more than Willis’s bitch in that movie, but at least he looked good doing it. He rounded out the year by shaving his head and donning tailored suits as the Hitman. The many faces of Olyphant, and all yummy.

Marcus Patrick

This man came into view in this year’s Rosario Dawson-produced flick, Descent, as what seemed like a Boy’s Club-Big Brother type named Adrian. Despite the film’s dim lighting you can immediately see his appeal. Patrick played Adrian with self-appointed authority that made all other men pale in comparison. By the end of the film you realize he’s not like any Big Brother you ever knew and if you did… Besides look at him, the man is big!

Viggo Mortensen
People who’ve only seen Eastern Promises trailers may think he’s just some dirty-looking thug. But Viggo puts himself all out there (and I do mean all) as Nikolai. Don’t believe he’s sexy? Check out the scene where he’s stretched on a couch, cigarette in one hand, vodka in the other, sporting nothing but black Calvin Klein undies and tattoos as he gets new ink. If that’s not hot, you don’t have a pulse.

Freddy Rodriguez
I’ve been a Freddy fan since way back so it was nice to see him take the lead of Wray in Grindhouse. But once he turns up the testosterone to 11 amid a league of zombies, the knife wielding and gun slinging makes you revere him as ‘El Wray.’ Once Freddy has you in his sights you’re his, cuz like he says, “I never miss.”

Matt Damon
There should be no doubt that Damon would make the list, given he was the debut inductee of my Spank Bank. No, he couldn’t beat out the winner or these other guys for the top position, but his no-nonsense Bourne character keeps him in the pack. Plus, his big grin and fun demeanor landed him the meaty role in Ocean’s Thirteen and as we all know…the nose plays.

Christian Bale
Once again rounding out my Top 7 sexiest actors is Bale. Like I said last year, he was onscreen this year and that’s all it takes. But seriously, he may have looked ragged and scraggly in 3:10 to Yuma, but his strength of character made Russell Crowe falter. If Crowe can be moved by a man, isn’t that sexy? In I’m Not There he has a small role as the Bob Dylan alter ego, Jack Rollins. I got to tell you, I think that’s the hottest Dylan has, and ever will, look.

Without further adieu, the award for Sexiest Actor of 2007 goes to:

The Spartans - Okay, right off the bat with a conglomeration, not an individual. But let's face it; the men of 300 marched as one, fought as one, ate as one, slept as one, so wouldn't they all be considered smokin' hot as one? Besides, all this man meat onscreen is a sure-fire way to lure women to an otherwise guy flick.

I think I need to take a moment to cool down after that first award. I forgot just how damn sexy those guys were! Tune in tomorrow for the 7 Sexiest Actresses of 2007 and much more as I continue my Confessions of a Reel Whore: 7 days of Top 7s in 2007.