Confessions of a Reel Whore, Part VII

After sifting my brains the past week I am ready to wrap this puppy up. Let's jump right on in shall we?

Award #11: 2007 Dirtiest Undies Award

Okay, as it was pointed out, this is also a named award so, technically, I have three named awards. But I digress. Whenever possible I like to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film. And for me, the more the better. This award commends those films rife in excess, i.e., the Dirtiest of Undies.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Halloween Black Snake Moan Before the Devil Knows You're Dead 300 No Country For Old Men Eastern Promises

And the winner of the 2007 Dirtiest Undies Award is:

Grindhouse

Was there any doubt? Even if you do something lame like separating the two films, Planet Terror and Death Proof, they were still made by two of the ballsiest directors of our time. I shudder to think what the last fifteen years of my cinematic life would have been without them.

Before I announce the Best in Genre, I'd like to comment on a few misjudged movies. Every year a handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars while worth less than one thin dime. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated, and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2007.

Severely Underrated	Most Overrated
Grindhouse	Wild Hogs
Stardust	Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
The Lookout	Shrek the Third

Drumroll please!

The moment I am sure you've been waiting for since last Friday has arrived. After much reflection and internal debate I'd like to announce...

Award #12: 2007's Best and Worst By Genre:

Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the Best film of the year, the also-rans, and finally, the single Worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.

ACTION

Best: Hot Fuzz Sloppy Seconds: 300 Sloppy Thirds: Bourne Ultimatum Worst Attempt: Rush Hour 3

Granted, the runner-ups satisfy the conventional markers of great action: testosterone-juiced badasses fighting and killing any opposition. Hot Fuzz does it one better by serving up an action-packed extravaganza while giving a respectful jibe to those great action clichés.

On the other hand, Rush Hour 3 only proves that the evil-brother plot is lame even by jump-the-shark standards. It also proves that Chris Tucker isn't as funny as a decade ago and that Jackie Chan's gotten too old for this shit.

COMEDY

Best: Superbad Sloppy Seconds: Knocked Up Sloppy Thirds: The Simpsons Movie Worst Attempt: Happily N'Ever After

Yes, without a doubt, Superbad is better than Knocked Up. Both films have that unwieldy downbeat before the final shining happy faces, and I think the former handles the transition far better. Plus, it's got the Michael Cera advantage.

Happily N'Ever After is quite a different story. Never mind the pathetic animation; I saw this for free in a theater FULL of children, and for the entire eighty-seven minutes I heard only one chuckle, and I think it was a parent desperate to break the silence.

DRAMA

Best: Before the Devil Knows You're Dead Sloppy Seconds: American Gangster Sloppy Thirds: 3:10 to Yuma Worst Attempt: Things We Lost in the Fire

This year's drama category has the strongest overall contenders. Before the Devil rises above American Gangster mainly because it outnumbers the latter in great performances. Hoffman, Hawke, Tomei, and Finney are at the top of their game against Washington and Crowe (even throwing in Brolin leaves you short).

Speaking of great acting, I have to give a nod to Benecio Del Toro for Things We Lost in the Fire. But even his mesmerizing presence couldn't save this. It was like watching a fish die slowly on the shore. Maybe if the cinematography was more than long close-ups of every actor’s facial tic and eyeball I might have gotten more out of it. I'm beginning to think Mira Sorvino and Halle Berry have more in common than I realized.

HORROR

Best: Grindhouse Sloppy Seconds: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon Sloppy Thirds: Gwoemul (the Host) Worst Attempt: Captivity

Grindhouse should be no surprise to anyone who's been paying attention this past week. Leslie Vernon is a strong second as slasher fans rejoice in this fresh new spin on the genre. Vacancy came damn close to defeating the Host, but a giant mutant fish beats a Norman Bates cliché any day of the week.

There nearly always seems to be a tie for worst when it comes to horror but this year a little film I unaffectionately refer to as "CRAPTIVITY" rises to the top. I expect very little from torture porn, but here I didn't even get that. It was an elaborate ninety-minute mind fuck, for the heroine or the audience I'm not sure. Elisha Cuthbert really needs a better agent, more respect for her admirers or both. We'll see anything for her smile and a glimpse of cleavage so stop pissing on our good intentions!

ROMANCE

Best: Once Sloppy Seconds: Waitress Sloppy Thirds: Lars and the Real Girl Worst Attempt: Evening

If you've seen this film, you know why it’s no contest for #1 romance. The music alone is a wave of infectious emotion. And that's all I have to say about that.

Watching Evening, however, I wish I could have contracted dysentery or another intense intestinal infection that would have motivated me out of the stupor that drained my will for self-preservation. Some friends point out that I don't like romance films, which is true. My wife dragged me to see this thinking the movie could only be better than the crappy book. She was surprised to see it was, in fact, worse than anything she had imagined.

SCI-FI/FANTASY

Best: Stardust Sloppy Seconds: Transformers Sloppy Thirds: Spider-Man 3 Worst Attempt: D-War

In an all-too-common twist, the lead in one of the worst films (Evening) is also the lead in one of the best (Stardust). I know Transformers fans are giving me the stink-eye right now, but the overall story, pacing, and universal appeal of Stardust just barely inches out my favorite childhood cartoon characters. Autobots, roll out… into the also-rans.

I went into D-War a.k.a. Dragon Wars with the lowest of expectations, naturally for pimp-looking dragons at war. Watching this movie was like entering some sort of time vortex. I was mildly amused in the beginning despite the never-ending backstory. I thought it was ten minutes from the credit roll until I checked the time; it was barely forty minutes in with forty-five more to go! I endured and D-War proved dumbfounding in a way that words cannot accurately describe.

THRILLER

Best: No Country for Old men Sloppy Seconds: Eastern Promises Sloppy Thirds: The Lookout Worst Attempt: Premonition

Aside from a few cinematic missteps, I love the Coen Brothers and No Country is just one more reason why. I am still a little shaky on the ending, but I can hardly wait to watch this again.

Premonition is the death knell of Sandra Bullock's career. I say this because I avoided Miss Congeniality 2. I honestly don't remember why I hated this so much, just that I did...and that's enough for me.

Okay, you math wizards may have noticed my genre count is only 111 when I claimed to have seen 113 films. I did see two documentary films that didn't qualify in my established genres. The King of Kong was the absolute best, a true underdog story for the ages. Rent it, watch it, love it!

Best: King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters Worst Attempt: 11th Hour

At the other end of the spectrum lies 11th Hour. This was a barrage of expert doomsayers verbally flaying the audiences into action. I am a defender of their cause, but I came out wanting to hose DiCaprio down with toxic sewage for undermining Al Gore's advancement in environmental sympathy.

Before I go I want to thank my local Raleigh papers, the local WB affiliate CW22, Shakefire and other assorted pushers for offering free passes throughout 2007, making my theatrical rendezvous more affordable. I'd like to give much love to my fellow movie bloggers, Fletch, Adam, and Shea for offering advice and supporting my site in its infancy. Oh, I can't forget Marilyn for recommending the site The Numbers, my new staple for movie info. Finally I’ve got to thank the wifey for enduring movies not of her taste (cough Grindhouse cough) and for editing out some of my more lewd comments. If I’ve forgotten anyone, I apologize, but it was a long year.

There you have it, folks. Agree? Disagree? Ambiguous to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my Top 7 of 2007, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films you think was the best.

Tomorrow I return you to my regularly formatted postings. See you then.