Saturday, January 31, 2009

Secret Diary '08: Confession Part VI

It's the penultimate day of my Secret Diary, a review of 2008 films. Today I present two named awards. The Que Ridiculo! Award, named in honor of The Big Lebowski, is given to those moments that are just too preposterous to believe. While I understand some films are a plethora of insane moments, even those can cross the line into WTF! territory.

Award #9: 2008 Que Ridiculo! Award

The Sloppy Seconds:

john_rambo Rambo
John Rambo is a serious bad-ass, no question. What I do question is how in the fuck does a man larger than a baby elephant and wide as all outside somehow sneak amidst an entire Burmese army in broad daylight?!

27 Dresses
I've been to many a wedding so all the hideous bridesmaid dresses and Jane's obsessions are all completely acceptable. What's impossible to swallow is watching a bride, on her wedding day, relinquish her spotlight so some stranger can make amends.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
There is little that Zohan does that is not incredibly hysterical and insane, especially with his many uses of hummus. However, when the neighborhood is burning around him, why not crack open a hydrant?

RichardJenkins Step Brothers
I never saw Jenkins in The Visitor in 2008 so I can't speak to his Academy-recognized performance. However, I think he should get knocked a point or two for having to divulge a ludicrous childhood dream to Dale and Brennan.

Hancock isn't really a favorite in the public eye with his wanton destruction and nasty attitude. When he tries to reform by doing hard time, it's audiences who lose all respect for the movie when Hancock makes good on a vulgar promise.

Having not seen the original film, I can only say that this remake had me pumped from beginning to end. As our survivors scurry to find a safe haven, my heart was racing...until the baby made the film skip a beat of believability.

And the winner of the 2008 Que Ridiculo! Award is:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I'm not a big Shia LaBeouf fan even if Spielberg thinks he's a gift to modern cinema. I lost my last inkling of respect as I watched him get crotch-smacked while straddling two trucks racing through the jungle. If that wasn't bad enough, he escapes his predicament a la Tarzan and turns all Mowgli as he gathers the monkeys to aid him in defeating the Ruskies. What-the-fuck-ever.


Award #10: 2008 Paula Jai Parker Award for Most Memorable Line

The Paula Jai Parker Award recognizes the most memorable line delivered in a movie. It honors the combined wittiness of well-written dialogue with unforgettable delivery by an actor. But many of you may be saying who is Paula Jai Parker? She's an under-appreciated actress who's been on the big screen for over a decade. In the context of this award, she nabbed it not once, but twice in a row. In honor of her efforts, I renamed it in 2006 in her honor. Yes, the past happened but it’s over, isn't it? Let's get to the award.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Charlie Bartlett

Principal Gardner (Robert Downey, Jr.)

"And so help me God, if you get out of line I will take a massive steaming dump on your life."


Bill Maher (as Himself)

"You smell like pussy, but you come out of that tuna feeling fantastic!"

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Seth (Paul Rudd)

"When life gives you lemons,
I say fuck lemons!"

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Brandon St. Randy (Justin Long)

"I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness."

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

(Michael Cera)

"I never wash my pants,
I like to keep the night on them."



Fred Knittle (as Himself)

"I went from continent to continent until I became incontinent."

And the winner of the 2008 Paula Jai Parker Award is:

Tropic Thunder

Kirk Lazarus
(Robert Downey, Jr.)

"Man, just 'cause it's a theme song don't make it not true."

Wow! Robert Downey, Jr. really made the impact this year. No pun intended, but I decided to forego commenting on these lines because I think they speak for themselves. When you see them in their original context, they only get better!

The bell is tolling. My Secret Diary concludes tomorrow when I will reveal the best (and worst) of the 92 films I watched in 2008. That's not all, though. Be sure you don't miss out on the big finale.

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. I think that sherpa one takes the cake. Long was so excellent for those five minutes...I don't know which short role of his I'd pick if I HAD to - that one or Dr. Lexus from Idiocracy.

  2. You do love some Idiocracy. His Harrison impersonation in Walk Hard was sweet, too. Only thing I've ever disliked him in was Jeepers Creepers. Man that was a painful movie.