Thursday, May 31, 2012

Trailer Trash: June 1 of 2012

Can you believe it stargazers? My Trailer Trash is out a whole day earlier. That's because I am in the final stages of departure for my latest nerd convention and won't be around to sate your curiosities tomorrow. Let's have at the latest releases, shall we?

Snow White and the Hunstman If I were looking for the fairest of them all, the dark-haired maiden with the flawless complexion that comes to my mind would not be Kristen Stewart. Not that in certain circles she wouldn't be pretty, but those circles would have to exclude Rosario Dawson, Sanaa Lathan, Mila Kunis,... um, you get the point. This isn't about Snow White, it's about the awesome action and effects, and a wicked Charlize. Also, Hemsworth is batting a thousand in my book, so I have faith he won't steer me wrong.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

Piranha 3DD Overall, 2010's Piranha remake was pretty damned terrible. I mainly went to see if it would spark Elisabeth Shue's triumphant return to mainstream. Okay, I also went for the nudity, the blood, the breasts, the gore, the sex, and the violence, but I was very happy to see Shue on the big screen. Shue's not in 3DD, and buzz is it's worse than the original. I'd pass on this completely, but it does still have loads of carnage and nekkidness, so my eventual attendance is really out of my control.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Well, I will be off to Philadelphia before long to rub elbows with the Huntsman himself, Chris Hemsworth. I won't get a chance to enjoy his latest blockbuster until next week so don't go spoiling it for me!

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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Out of Time

In just a few short days I will be road tripping it up the East coast to go to yet another convention. In addition to all the last minute planning and packing I have to do, I am also trying to squeeze in a few movies starring celebrities that I may meet. Dean Cain of Lois & Clark fame is one such celebrity. In Out of Time, Cain trades in the morals of the Big Blue Boy Scout in favor of a more unsavory role.

In the sleepy little Florida town of Banyan Key, police chief Matt Whitlock (Denzel Washington) spends many of his nights doing the same thing; walking the quiet streets to keep the city safe, drinking away the pain of his impending divorce, and sleeping with his high school sweetheart, Ann Merai Harrison (Sanaa Lathan). His tryst with Ann is complicated considering her abusive husband Chris (Dean Cain) and that she’s dying of cancer. Matt steals $450,000 from a recent drug bust so they can run off together, but before they ride off into the sunset, Matt’s called to the scene of Ann’s burning home. With all evidence pointing to him as the prime suspect in the murder of Ann and Chris and the DEA looking for the drug money, Matt has to use all his skills to stay a step ahead of the case’s lead detective, his estranged wife Alex (Eva Mendes).


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Monday, May 28, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Gunmen

As I continue to prepare for my next convention, I’ve dug up a movie that’s as bizarre as it is obscure. Aside from being a big fan of Christopher Lambert, I believe I rented Gunmen back in 1994 because it was an opportunity to see Patrick Stewart out of his Star Fleet captain’s uniform. Admit it; we’ve all secretly wanted to see that. Before and since Star Trek: The Next Generation, Mr. Stewart has portrayed a wide range of characters, but I’ll never forget Loomis, the fearsome, foul-mouthed, convalescent drug baron central to the plot of Gunmen.


Loomis (Patrick Stewart), a fearsome, foul-mouthed, convalescent drug baron has been robbed! His bag man Carl hid his 400 million dollars on a boat somewhere in South America and vanished. Loomis enlists hard-ass Armor O’Malley (Denis Leary) and a band of mercs to recover his cheddar for a ten percent finders fee. Elsewhere, New York bounty hunter Cole Parker (Mario Van Peebles) busts Carl’s brother, Dani Servigo (Christopher Lambert), out of a Boa Vista jail. Parker knows the boat’s name, but Dani knows its location and Parker must find it to help the DEA take down Loomis. The lawman and the smuggler form an unlikely, and untrusting, alliance to locate the money before Armor and his crew find them.


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MMM: I Pity the Violins

Exciting news stargazers! Exciting for me, but it should also be exciting for you. Regina Spektor has a new album releasing tomorrow! I can't wait to hear it from start to finish. For now, I will settle for the previously released single. If you've never heard her, today's the perfect opportunity to become a fan. Enjoy!

Regina Spektor - All The Rowboats

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Friday, May 25, 2012

Trailer Trash: May 25 of 2012

It's Memorial Day weekend, a three day weekend ahead. If only there were new movies at the theater. Oh wait, there are, they just look oh so forgettable. Don't believe me...

Chernobyl Diaries A.K.A. The Ukranian Hills Have Eyes. I was stoked to see CD from the first set of trailers released. Foreign mutants preying upon pathetic Americans stupid enough to treat the worst nuclear disaster in history as a tourist getaway. Awesome...except the latest trailers are angling for a plot of "radiation make puny Americans see crazy things not really there." WTF?! Seriously? I must have confirmation of mutant carnage forthwith before I agree to see this!

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Men In Black III  Damn if Josh Brolin doesn't do a killer Tommy Lee Jones! At least, from the trailers I've seen his imitation is uncanny. MIB3 looks like a lot of good, silly fun and Smith always aims to please, unless you're a frisky reporter. I'm just hoping they've polished the special effects since the earlier trailers. The artificial looks of that big fish and those gyro-bikes is pathetic by today's standards. 

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Moonrise Kingdom Is Wes Anderson's latest, not doubt to be outstanding, film releasing in my area? No. Am I pissed about that? Absolutely. How dare you make me wait for the blessed union of Bruce Willis with the quirk of Wes Anderson!!! Why must I wait for my Bruce/Wes fix?!?!

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

Ahem. Sorry about that. I hope you find some cinematic enjoyment this weekend and I'll catch you on the flipside.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Weird Science

Today’s vault selection has two very excellent reasons behind its choosing. I will soon be headed to yet another convention, and for any must-meet guests in attendance, I always like to watch a few choice films to get amped. Anthony Michael Hall is an actor I’ve enjoyed for decades on both the big screen and television. As Dylan recently attested in his post, Top 5 Stars Deserving Of a Comeback, Hall is long overdue for a role more substantial than an occasional guest spot on television, although his appearance on Community was cool, cool, cool.

Gary Wallace (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt Donnelly (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) fantasize about being the cool kids; the guys wooing the ladies, throwing the parties, and being envied by the masses. In reality, they are repeatedly beaten and ridiculed by their classmates Ian (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Max (Robert Rusler) and relentlessly antagonized by Wyatt’s freakish asshole of a brother, Chet (Bill Paxton).  With another lonely, depressing weekend ahead of them, Gary convinces Wyatt to use his computer to simulate an ideal girl, one that will teach them the secret to coolness. They surpass their wildest dreams when, through some sort of weird science, they create living, breathing perfection… Lisa (Kelly LeBrock).


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Monday, May 21, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Addams Family Values

Due to the existence of a third, straight-to-video installment, I left it to my readers on Tuesday to decide if the Addams Family franchise deserved the Sequel Suicide treatment. For those who don’t know, a Sequel Suicide occurs when a great and successful movie spawns an immediate sequel, but said sequel is a toxic thing which destroys any future hope of a sequel. I was curious if readers would qualify the realm of straight-to-video as that hopeless realm where franchises go to die or not.

None of that matters because I hereby decree The Addams Family franchise is, in fact, not a Sequel Suicide, but that it belongs in a wholly different series, Sequel Superior. This rare designation occurs when a sequel surpasses its predecessor in quality. The 1993 film, Addams Family Values, does exactly that.

Morticia (Anjelica Huston) and Gomez (Raul Julia) welcome their baby Pubert (Kaitlyn Hooper, Kristen Hooper) into the fold. Less than thrilled with their brother, Wednesday (Christina Ricci) and Pugsly (Jimmy Workman) repeatedly attempt to kill the child, leaving Gomez no choice but to hire a nanny so Morticia will have “more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.” The Addams clan welcomes Debbie Jellinsky (Joan Cusack) into their home where she promptly ships the kids off to summer camp and steals away their stinking, and stinking rich, Uncle Fester (Christopher Lloyd) with her womanly wiles and homicidal tendencies.


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MMM: I'm Takin' No Direction and I Walk-a Real Slow

Morning stargazers. I don't know about you all, but it's a chore to get going today. I hope this isn't a sign of the week to come. I don't have anything fun scheduled for the days ahead, so I'll have to rely on the forthcoming long weekend. So different than last week when I had the Nellie McKay concert on Tuesday. Actually, it was the Madeleine Peyroux concert, Nellie was just the opener, but she was the reason I traveled to Durham after dark. It was a great opening show and if she and Madeleine pop up in your area, I recommend you check them out.

Nellie McKay - Caribbean Time

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Friday, May 18, 2012

Trailer Trash: May 18 of 2012

If you want to save yourself some time, this weekend's new releases look like horrid shit, tedious shit, and shit that is coming out smelling like roses. You can probably guess which is which, but in case you'd like a little more exposition, here you go.

Battleship A.K.A. The Horrid Shit. Oh my does this look like a fucktastic failure. The action effects appear to be the scraps from Transformers and most likely are. Underwater alien ships that island fisherman have known about forever, but whose presence has somehow gone undetected by imaging satellites for decades, really? I pieced that shit-ass plot point together from Rihanna's hackneyed dialogue. Which reminds me, if I had any desire to see Rihanna in any kind of movie, it'd better be a porn. Battleship's casting has the makings of a promising gangbang, but I can damn well guarantee the only people getting fucked senseless will be audiences who waste the money to go see this HORRID SHIT.

Verdict:  Exercise My Fucking Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

The Dictator Early trailers for The Dictator looked like Sasha Baren Cohen doing the same tired-ass shit he's done in Borat and Bruno. Then I saw John C. Reilly and Anna Faris are joining him and found out there's an actual scripted plot instead of random hijinks. Very nice. Probably not going to be ground-breaking, but tolerable enough that I'll catch it sometime.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

What to Expect When You're Expecting A.K.A. The Tedious Shit. I'm quickly growing sick of these vaguely book-related adaptations. The concept is almost as lame as adapting a fucking board game into a movie. I love me some Elizabeth 'Banksable' Banks, but not even her infectious awesomeness can pull me into the theaters. Her magnetic effect on me must be canceled out by all the negativity generated from her costars.

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

I am planning to see Dark Shadows finally and if I really need to see a second movie, there's Space Prison, a.k.a. Lockout at the cheap theater. I can always go enjoy The Avengers a second time too. Anything is preferable to this week's offerings.

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Thursday, May 17, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: The Addams Family

My original intention was to ride the weekend boon of Dark Shadows into a Sequel Suicide, but complications have arisen. One, Dark Shadows didn’t do as well as hoped, although I’d love for a project of my making to earn thirty million in one weekend. Two, I just now discovered The Addams Family franchise spawned a third, straight-to-video installment with a completely different cast, save for the return of Carel Struycken as Lurch and Christopher Hart as Thing. This raises the question, does a direct-to-video sequel count in a franchise total? Until we come to a decision, I’d like to amend this series to the more apropos, You Decide… Sequel Suicide?

It’s been twenty-five years since Fester (Christopher Lloyd), brother of Gomez Addams (Raul Julia), went missing. Ever since the falling out which Gomez believes precipitated his disappearance, the Addams clan gathers for a séance led by Granny (Judith Malina) to call to Fester. This year, they get an answer. That’s because Gomez’s lawyer Tully Alford (Dan Hedaya) has discovered that Gordon (Christopher Lloyd), the son of his loan shark Abigail (Elizabeth Wilson), is the spitting image of Fester. Together the trio plots to infiltrate the Addams family using Gordon to get their hands on the family’s countless riches. That is, assuming Gordon can survive life as an Addams.


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Monday, May 14, 2012

MMM: Thanks Betsy

Morning stargazers! So far this week is off to a quiet start; a good thing for those of us recovering from a weekend a Mother's Day travels. To keep the mood light just a little while longer, I'm passing along a tune my friend Betsy forwarded last week. I'm not a huge fan of country, but how I have not heard this particular song at some point in the past year is beyond me. If this one's new to you too, you're in for a treat. Enjoy!

Trace Adkins - Brown Chicken Brown Cow

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Saturday, May 12, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: The Terminator

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and if you’re trying to decide what to get your mother,  just keep in mind, you can’t really top John Connor’s gift. Is there any better way to show your mom you care than to send a sergeant from your future army into the past to make pipe bombs and lay pipe to protect her from and preserve the future? I can’t think of one.

It’s been a shit day for the not-yet-mother Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton). Work went terribly, her hot date canceled, and the news has pronounced her dead. Actually, it’s a woman with the same name, but still, bummer. On this clear LA night in 1984, it’s also raining men, naked ones at that! That’d be a wonderful thing for a young available woman normally, but one free-swinger is a cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) sent from 2029 to assassinate her and the other is a soldier from the future, Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn), who’s come to protect her. This is so not the memorable weekend Sarah was hoping for.


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Trailer Trash: May 11 of 2012

Welcome to another weekend with only a single release to choose from. I'm not complaining, it makes for easy trash talkin'!

Dark Shadows I have been excited to see Dark Shadows since the very first trailer aired. I'm fairly certain the moment that won me over is when Johnny Depp exclaims, Reveal yourself, tiny songstress! I know a bunch of my friends could care less about Tim Burton's re-imagining, but if you need another reason to make you buy a ticket, what about this?

Now you have three great reasons to see Dark Shadows. I'll see you there.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Josie and the Pussycats

Happy Birthday Rosario Dawson! Enjoy!

Josie McCoy (Rachael Leigh Cook), Valerie Brown (Rosario Dawson) and Melody Valentine (Tara Reid) are the struggling members of the rock group, the Pussycats. The three dream of hitting it big and leaving the little town of Riverdale, but they barely make any scratch from their jobs and their gigs at the local bowling alley. That is until MegaRecords executive, Wyatt Frame (Alan Cumming), literally lands in town and signs the girls without even hearing them hum a bar. Their overnight stardom seems too good to Josie, Val and Mel, and with good reason; the shady Wyatt and his crazed boss Fiona (Parker Posey) are spiking the music with subliminal messages, tampering with the tender minds of the youths of America!


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Monday, May 7, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Desperado

Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo, or El Dia de la Batalla de Puebla, which is a holiday known second to only St. Patrick’s Day for providing an excuse to drink (like any of us actually need one). In honor of this observance of Mexican heritage and pride, I thought it best to add to the vault a film that features the biggest Mexican I’ve ever seen!

I am, of course, referring to Salma Hayek. Ay-yo0o! Desperado introduced mainstream audiences to the beautiful and talented Salma Hayek with her role as the tough bookstore owner Carolina, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning. 

Stop me if you’ve heard this one; a weaselly gringo (Steve Buscemi) walks into a dingy bar in Santa Cecilia and tells a tall tale about this big-as-shit Mexican mariachi (Antonio Banderas) who he witnessed massacring a neighboring bar full of scumbags in the pursuit of the drug dealer Bucho (Joaquim de Almeida). Yeah, no one in the bar found it funny either. The gringo finishes his piss-warm Chango and hightails it because, best he could tell, this shadowy killer was headed their way. In reality, the gringo is a friend of the mariachi and reports to him that, based on the bar folk’s reactions, Bucho is close. Armed with that knowledge and his guitar case full of guns, el Mariachi rains hell down upon the thugs of Santa Cecilia to flush Bucho out of hiding.


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MMM: You Are Appreciated

Good morning stargazers. The passing of Adam Yauch last week got me thinking of other talented rappers we've lost before their time. Tupac Shakur was another such individual. With Mother's Day ahead of us, today's selection not only pays homage to those we've lost, but the women who brought us into this world.

2pac - Dear Mama

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Saturday, May 5, 2012

Trailer Trash: May 4 of 2012

Last week there were so many movies releasing I never finished writing the Trailer Trash. This week I don't have that problem, because there is only one movie set to rule them all (at least for this weekend).

The Avengers!!! I don't know anyone that's not going to see this phenomenal-looking summer movie kick-off. Actually, I won't be seeing it until Monday afternoon, but it will be in IMAX, so I will try and wait patiently.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Jawbreaker

As regular readers know all too well, I love a birthday review here at the vault! On this day, Julie Benz entered this world, a cadre of memorable roles awaiting her to come of age. Darla of Buffy and Angel and Rita Bennett of Dexter are just a couple from the ever-growing list of indelible Benz characters. My first cinematic memory of her is as the receptionist opposite Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. While just a bit part, it wasn’t long until she snagged her first major supporting role as Marcie “Foxy” Fox in the 1999 film, Jawbreaker.

Three of Reagan High School’s Flawless Four, Julie (Rebecca Gayheart), Marcie (Julie Benz) and Courtney (Rose McGowan), prank the fourth, Liz Purr (Charlotte Ayanna), on her seventeenth birthday by abducting her from her bed. All’s going great until they discover Liz has choked on the jawbreaker they stuffed in her mouth. Fearful of the consequences, the trio stage a sordid scenario to hide their involvement, but the dowdy school nerd, Fern Mayo (Judy Greer), overhears. To keep her quiet, Courtney wagers Liz’s spot in the group for Fern’s silence. Courtney seems unstoppable, but Julie’s guilt and the ego of the new and improved Fern, a.k.a. Vylette, threaten to unravel her perfect cover-up.


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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Fletch Lives

This Sequel Suicide kicked off Tuesday, obviously, with Fletch. I was a little hesitant to give this franchise the suicide treatment because from what I remembered, I really enjoyed both installments. Having refreshed my memory, that wasn’t a bad call.

Fletch (Chevy Chase) is a little worse for wear than when we left him. Investigative reporting for the  same LA rag has left him bitter and frazzled, or maybe owing over four grand in alimony to his ex is the problem. Either way, Fletch is at his wits’ end when he receives news that his Aunt Bell has died and left him Bell Isle, an eighty-acre plantation in Louisiana. Fletch promptly quits and skedaddles to the bayou, hoping to live out his days in Southern luxury only to find Bell Isle in serious disrepair. Unfazed, Fletch rejects a sizable offer from a mysterious buyer and soon finds his life threatened. With Bibleland bumping against his aunt’s property, Fletch snoops into the holy theme park’s greedy proprietor, Jimmy Lee Farnsworth (R. Lee Ermey), only to discover an even deadlier secret.


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