Tuesday, July 31, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Blade

Today Wesley Snipes celebrates his fiftieth birthday… from prison. Today also marks the end of the vault’s month-long fixation with the superhero genre. As the old saying goes, let’s kill two vampires with one stake, or something like that.

Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) believes humans are little more than cattle and vampires like himself are the top of the fucking food chain, or so he tells his nemesis Blade (Wesley Snipes). Neither fully human nor fully vampire, Blade, known to vampires as the Daywalker, has all of their strengths while suffering few of their weaknesses. With the help of the grizzled Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), he strikes silver-tipped fear into the undead hearts of these suckheads. Frost intends to end Blade’s crusade of annihilation by awakening the prophesied Blood God, La Magra.

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Monday, July 30, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Mystery Men

In the newly released The Watch, Ben Stiller assembles a team to patrol the streets and make their neighborhood safe. With the movie’s interweb buzz being none too positive, I can’t help but wonder if Stiller should have taken some queues from his 90s playbook. His rage-filled Mr. Furious would have accepted nothing less than a moderately entertaining affair from his colleagues.
Thanks to the courageous and effective efforts of Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear), Champion City is practically crime free. Good news for the citizens, but not so good for the fledgling superhero trio of Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller), Shoveler (William H. Macy), and the Blue Raja (Hank Azaria). It’s also bad for the Captain who decides to increase his public image and lucrative endorsements by using alter ego, lawyer Lance Hunt, to convince the parole board to release the deranged supervillain, Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush). When the Captain’s plan backfires, only Mr. Furious knows he’s a prisoner of Frankenstein, and it’s up to him and his friends to save Captain Amazing and Champion City from the madman’s clutches.

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MMM: Twofer, not to be confused with Keith Powell

First off, kudos to those of you who get the title reference. If you don't, get with the times, although I could say the same of myself considering I was a slacker and didn't post a Monday Mood Music last week. Today I remedy this by posting not one, but two awesome tunes I heard in succession last week on my local station.

One is off the new album from the well-known Jack White, but the first is from Apollo Cobra, a band that's new to me, but will soon be joining my extensive mp3 collection. I hope they'll make it into yours too. Enjoy!

Apollo Cobra - Shut Up

Jack White - I'm Shakin'

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Friday, July 27, 2012

Trailer Trash: July 27 of 2012

July began with a bang with the opening of The Amazing Spider-Man and last week's The Dark Knight Rises raised the entertainment bar for 2012 movies. Today, July ends with a whimper with two releases that have set the bar so low, you'll have to dig to find it.

The Watch I don't know about any of you, but I'm still waiting to see even one funny trailer for The Watch. Vaughn looks to be giving it the ol' college try, but that's all the positive I can say. Akiva Schaffer's sophomore effort is a far cry from Hot Rod. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg continue to confirm their comedic writing talents started and ended with Superbad. I'll catch this on DVD because I am a glutton for all comedy, but you won't find me at a screening even if just to beat the heat.  
Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Step Up: Revolution Thanks to Kai at Man, I Love Films, I can now say I have experienced the "wonders" of the Step Up franchise, but this is too far. What are we trying to teach the up-and-coming generations? Fight corporate greed and corruption with organized dance? Yeah, because if you bust' a fly enough move, they will see the error of their ways, open their hearts, and do the right thing.

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Ugh, I can't talk about this crappy set of new releases any more. For your sake, I hope you spend your time and money on The Dark Knight Rises, even if you've already seen it.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: X-Men

Released just over twelve years ago, X-Men, while not the first foray into film by Marvel, can be considered the flagship of its rise to power in today’s superhero market. I couldn’t let the month of superhero films pass without including X-Men, and what better day to induct it into the vault than on the day Anna Paquin, a.k.a. Rogue, turns thirty.

Marie (Anna Paquin) from Mississippi, learns she’s a mutant when she nearly kills her beau with a kiss. Frightened of her abilities, and by the fear-mongering of Senator Kelly (Bruce Davison) and his Mutant Registration Act, she runs away to the far reaches of Canada where she, now going by Rogue, meets the furry and surly mutant, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). The two begin to bond just as they’re attacked by Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) from the Brotherhood of Mutants. Sent by their leader, Magneto (Ian McKellan), Sabretooth is stopped by Storm (Halle Berry) and Cyclops (James Marsden) and the two bring Rogue and Wolverine to the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters to meet Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart). Once friends, Xavier knows Magneto believes the Senator’s Act as a declaration of war between humans and mutants. For the sake of all beings, Xavier must discover why a Southern lass and an adamantium-laced ass are so important to Magneto’s plans.


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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: The Specials

Assuming folks were growing Bat-damn-tired of the Bat-themed reviews, the vault turns to Ol’ Reliable , the birthday calendar, looking for a celebrity born today who also has a superhero credit to their name. And the gates opened wide to reveal one of my favorite actresses, Judy Greer. Ms. Greer is 37 today and it was back in 2000 when she stepped into the superhero foray as Deadly Girl.

Ted Tilderbrook (Thomas Haden Church), known to the world as The Strobe and often referred to as “The Great Strobe” by himself, can shoot laser beams from his arms and is the founder and leader of the superhero group, The Specials. The Specials are the world’s sixth or seventh most popular group of superheroes who usually see action only when the more popular, well-funded superhero teams are all busy or they deem the threat beneath their status. Times are a-changing for The Specials because Kosgrov Toys is releasing a line of action figures in their honor, which in the superhero world is the equivalent of an Oscar. With the excitement of the line and the induction of their newest member, Shelly a.k.a. Nightbird (Jordan Ladd), the only thing standing in their way is themselves.


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Friday, July 20, 2012

Trailer Trash: July 20 of 2012

Not that you need to be reminded of what opens today, nor do you need a post citing my feelings toward said opener, but...

The Dark Knight Rises 

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!   

I hope you've got your ticket!

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Batman Forever

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Monday, July 16, 2012

MMM: Swim Like Lions Through the Crest

Going all nostalgic for the second week in a row. Don't blame me, blame my local radio station for digging up some totally random, blast-from-the-past grooves. This week's selection may have had the longest fucking title ever! Probably not ever, but at least in 1996 it topped the list for long-ass titles. You may remember it as that "Phonebooth" song, or just as another one-hit wonder of the 90s, but today it's my Monday Mood Music selection. Enjoy!

Primitive Radio Gods -
Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand

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Friday, July 13, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Batman

Only one week stands between us stargazers and one of the most anticipated films of the summer; The Dark Knight Rises. With such an exciting prospect before us, how could the vault chronicle the superhero genre without Tim Burton’s Batman, which unleashed the Caped Crusader onto moviegoers everywhere.

Gotham City is not the safest place to raise a child; just ask billionaire Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton). A handful of honest public officials like District Attorney Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams) and Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) strive to protect the city from ilk like crime boss Carl Grissom (Jack Palance), his right-hand thug Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson) and their lackeys. Outside the confines of their law, whispers of a giant bat who preys on criminals catch the interest of reporter Knox (Robert Wuhl) and photographer Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger).  After Napier evolves into the sinister and psychotic Joker, he fixates on the winged vigilante. To stop him, Batman (Michael Keaton) must step from the shadows to save the citizens of Gotham from the Clown Prince of Crime.


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Trailer Trash: July 13 of 2012

Slim, I mean, the slimmest of slim, pickings are out this week. Guess that's a good thing since nearly all of us are saving our pennies for the Dark Knight to rise in theaters everywhere next week!!!

Ice Age: Continental Drift Oh, for the love of all that is holy, they've made another one of these damned things! I shouldn't be surprised, nor should I be mad. I mean, someone's got to cut John Leguizamo a regular check since I rarely see his lovable mug in live-action movies any more. However, my pocket change will not be contributing to this check, since I've never been inclined to see any of the Ice Age movies. 

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

See you at the movies next week!

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Swamp Thing

The vault’s fascination with superheroes continues. We inducted some high profile superheroes last week, but not all heroes are created equal. Today we’re dredging the mire in search of a more obscure defender.

Dr. Alec Holland (Ray Wise) has a crazy idea to create a plant with an animal’s instincts that will allow it to thrive in the harshest of conditions. It must not be too crazy since the government has hidden him and his sister Linda (Nannette Brown) deep in the swamp to conduct their experiments. Also lurking in the muck is a team of militants working for the evil Dr. Arcane (Louis Jourdan) who believes Holland’s work is the key to immortality. Shortly after replacement government employee Alice Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) arrives, the Hollands make an astounding breakthrough. Arcane and his crew quickly move in to steal the formula, but a laboratory accident leaves Holland for dead and Alice on the run with the last notebook of vital research. With Arcane’s men hot on her heels, Alice finds a protector in the massive and monstrous Swamp Thing (Dick Durock).


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Monday, July 9, 2012

MMM: Who Dug Dido Up?

Morning stargazers. Driving into work, the very first song that came on my radio this morning was White Flag by Dido. Not sure what prompted the nostalgia, but it was comforting to hear the mellow tune. Watching the video for the first time in years I'd forgotten David Boreanaz was Dido's ex-beau. If you're up for a little reminiscing, be it for Dido's song or Boreanaz's bushy head o' hair, why not take a listen?

Dido - White Flag

Heard any songs resurrected by the radio lately that caught you by surprise?

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Sunday, July 8, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Superman

Recently watching Spider-Man, coupled with my building excitement to see The Amazing Spider-Man and The Dark Knight Rises, has got me in the superhero mood. I hope you’re feeling it too because all of July will be dedicated to the superhero genre! I chose Superman for two reasons; it’s the grandaddy of all superhero movies we see today and Ned Beatty, who portrays Lex’s henchman Otis, turns 74 today.

With his world of Krypton facing imminent destruction, Jor-El (Marlon Brando) fashions a ship to send his only son to another galaxy to live on the planet Earth. The young child is found and adopted by the Kent family and raised as their own. On his eighteenth birthday, young Clark (Jeff East) is summoned by a Kryptonian crystal and sets about learning his true heritage. Ten years later whenever trouble erupts in Metropolis, mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) slips out of sight and takes to the skies as Superman, defender of truth, justice and the American way, not to mention crush of intrepid reporter Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) and nemesis of the evil mastermind Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman).


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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Trailer Trash: July 3 of 2012

I feel like we just had a slew of new movies to come out. That's right, we did! This whole Fourth of July being in the middle of the week is just throwing me completely off. It's also throwing off theaters seeing as how one movie opens today, another on Thursday and yet another on Friday. Got that? Neither do I.

The Amazing Spider-Man (07.03) I wasn't thrilled with Marvel rebooting the Spider-man franchise so quickly. I was satisfied with the work Raimi and Co. had done. But alas, all things must change and, with summer flicks, they must evolve with younger, hipper stars to reel in young money. That said, I'm still stoked to see this. Okay, I'm most excited about Emma Stone, but Rhys Ifans, Sally Field and Denis Leary should make great entertainment. And Andrew Garfield isn't too bad himself. 

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation! 

Katy Perry: Part of Me (07.05) Yes, I am a grown ass man and yes I do intend to see Katy's concert-biography flick.  At least she's old enough to have had actual shit happen during her rise to stardom unlike a certain other, less impressive teen heartthrob. Not that I need to justify going, I just need to not feel awkward being a grown ass man in a theater full of teens.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Savages (07.06) Jeez, does this look fucking painful! I can't say that I'm a huge fan of all of Oliver Stone's projects, but I haven't been this annoyed with a trailer since the Smurfs teaser. I believe I'm most annoyed because I expect something more intriguing from Stone and this just seems like a lot of flash and bother. I'll probably rent this at some point if I hear enough positive buzz, but I can use these two plus hours to go enjoy Spider-Man or Katy Perry a second time instead of taking a risk on this.

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Happy Fourth of July everyone!

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MILF Rendezvous: Spider-Man

It was exactly ten years and two months ago that Spider-Man first crawled his way onto screens nationwide. Four years, ten months, two weeks and one day (plus or minus a few days) have passed since he scurried into the dark recesses of those same screens. Today the reboot infests theaters everywhere and a lot of us ol’ school Spidey fans are still grumbling over whether such a quick reboot was warranted. I never minded the idea of The Amazing Spider-Man, and not just because of my healthy fascination with Emma Stone. I made peace with the inevitability of reboots and remakes long ago, but that doesn’t mean I forget about their forefathers.

Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is a walking cliche; the nerdy high school kid hated by most who’s helplessly in love with the hottest girl in school, Mary Jane “MJ” Watson (Kirsten Dunst). Everyone sees Pete as a loser except for MJ who doesn’t see him at all, his Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) and Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson) who raise him, and his best friend Harry (James Franco) who’s an outsider himself. Peter’s lame world is literally turned upside down and sideways when he’s bitten by a genetically engineered super-spider during on a field trip. He recovers to find he’s acquired spider-like powers, but with great power comes great responsibility, and a personal tragedy inspires him to fight crime on the mean streets of NYC. Not a moment too soon since Norman Osborn (Willem Dafoe), Harry’s dad and an outcast himself, has undergone a more twisted, destructive transformation.


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Monday, July 2, 2012

MMM: Push Push Push Push the Start

Good morning stargazers! I don't know about you, but I'm dragging. Not sure why, I had a fairly relaxing weekend. Maybe with the Fourth of July being on Wednesday is making it hard to focus. Either way, I need something peppy to get moving and since today is Devin Star Tailes, a.k.a. Dev, 23rd birthday, I thought she should have the honor to rev us up. Enjoy.

Dev - In The Dark

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