Trailer Trash: May 11 of 2012

Welcome to another weekend with only a single release to choose from. I'm not complaining, it makes for easy trash talkin'!

Dark Shadows I have been excited to see Dark Shadows since the very first trailer aired. I'm fairly certain the moment that won me over is when Johnny Depp exclaims, Reveal yourself, tiny songstress! I know a bunch of my friends could care less about Tim Burton's re-imagining, but if you need another reason to make you buy a ticket, what about this?

Now you have three great reasons to see Dark Shadows. I'll see you there.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

MILF Rendezvous: Josie and the Pussycats

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MILF Rendezvous: Desperado

Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo, or El Dia de la Batalla de Puebla, which is a holiday known second to only St. Patrick’s Day for providing an excuse to drink (like any of us actually need one). In honor of this observance of Mexican heritage and pride, I thought it best to add to the vault a film that features the biggest Mexican I’ve ever seen!

I am, of course, referring to Salma Hayek. Ay-yo0o! Desperado introduced mainstream audiences to the beautiful and talented Salma Hayek with her role as the tough bookstore owner Carolina, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning. 

Desperado

Stop me if you’ve heard this one; a weaselly gringo (Steve Buscemi) walks into a dingy bar in Santa Cecilia and tells a tall tale about this big-as-shit Mexican mariachi (Antonio Banderas) who he witnessed massacring a neighboring bar full of scumbags in the pursuit of the drug dealer Bucho (Joaquim de Almeida). Yeah, no one in the bar found it funny either. The gringo finishes his piss-warm Chango and hightails it because, best he could tell, this shadowy killer was headed their way. In reality, the gringo is a friend of the mariachi and reports to him that, based on the bar folk’s reactions, Bucho is close. Armed with that knowledge and his guitar case full of guns, el Mariachi rains hell down upon the thugs of Santa Cecilia to flush Bucho out of hiding.

Rendezvous...

MMM: You Are Appreciated

Good morning stargazers. The passing of Adam Yauch last week got me thinking of other talented rappers we've lost before their time. Tupac Shakur was another such individual. With Mother's Day ahead of us, today's selection not only pays homage to those we've lost, but the women who brought us into this world.

2pac - Dear Mama

Trailer Trash: May 4 of 2012

Last week there were so many movies releasing I never finished writing the Trailer Trash. This week I don't have that problem, because there is only one movie set to rule them all (at least for this weekend).

The Avengers!!! I don't know anyone that's not going to see this phenomenal-looking summer movie kick-off. Actually, I won't be seeing it until Monday afternoon, but it will be in IMAX, so I will try and wait patiently.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

MILF Rendezvous: Jawbreaker

As regular readers know all too well, I love a birthday review here at the vault! On this day, Julie Benz entered this world, a cadre of memorable roles awaiting her to come of age. Darla of Buffy and Angel and Rita Bennett of Dexter are just a couple from the ever-growing list of indelible Benz characters. My first cinematic memory of her is as the receptionist opposite Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. While just a bit part, it wasn’t long until she snagged her first major supporting role as Marcie “Foxy” Fox in the 1999 film, Jawbreaker.

Jawbreaker

Three of Reagan High School’s Flawless Four, Julie (Rebecca Gayheart), Marcie (Julie Benz) and Courtney (Rose McGowan), prank the fourth, Liz Purr (Charlotte Ayanna), on her seventeenth birthday by abducting her from her bed. All’s going great until they discover Liz has choked on the jawbreaker they stuffed in her mouth. Fearful of the consequences, the trio stage a sordid scenario to hide their involvement, but the dowdy school nerd, Fern Mayo (Judy Greer), overhears. To keep her quiet, Courtney wagers Liz’s spot in the group for Fern’s silence. Courtney seems unstoppable, but Julie’s guilt and the ego of the new and improved Fern, a.k.a. Vylette, threaten to unravel her perfect cover-up.

Rendezvous...

MILF Rendezvous: Fletch Lives

This Sequel Suicide kicked off Tuesday, obviously, with Fletch. I was a little hesitant to give this franchise the suicide treatment because from what I remembered, I really enjoyed both installments. Having refreshed my memory, that wasn’t a bad call.

Fletch Lives

Fletch (Chevy Chase) is a little worse for wear than when we left him. Investigative reporting for the  same LA rag has left him bitter and frazzled, or maybe owing over four grand in alimony to his ex is the problem. Either way, Fletch is at his wits’ end when he receives news that his Aunt Bell has died and left him Bell Isle, an eighty-acre plantation in Louisiana. Fletch promptly quits and skedaddles to the bayou, hoping to live out his days in Southern luxury only to find Bell Isle in serious disrepair. Unfazed, Fletch rejects a sizable offer from a mysterious buyer and soon finds his life threatened. With Bibleland bumping against his aunt’s property, Fletch snoops into the holy theme park’s greedy proprietor, Jimmy Lee Farnsworth (R. Lee Ermey), only to discover an even deadlier secret.

Rendezvous...