Trailer Trash: July 27 of 2012

July began with a bang with the opening of The Amazing Spider-Man and last week's The Dark Knight Rises raised the entertainment bar for 2012 movies. Today, July ends with a whimper with two releases that have set the bar so low, you'll have to dig to find it.

The Watch I don't know about any of you, but I'm still waiting to see even one funny trailer for The Watch. Vaughn looks to be giving it the ol' college try, but that's all the positive I can say. Akiva Schaffer's sophomore effort is a far cry from Hot Rod. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg continue to confirm their comedic writing talents started and ended with Superbad. I'll catch this on DVD because I am a glutton for all comedy, but you won't find me at a screening even if just to beat the heat.  
  

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Step Up: Revolution Thanks to Kai at Man, I Love Films, I can now say I have experienced the "wonders" of the Step Up franchise, but this is too far. What are we trying to teach the up-and-coming generations? Fight corporate greed and corruption with organized dance? Yeah, because if you bust' a fly enough move, they will see the error of their ways, open their hearts, and do the right thing.




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Ugh, I can't talk about this crappy set of new releases any more. For your sake, I hope you spend your time and money on The Dark Knight Rises, even if you've already seen it.

MILF Rendezvous: X-Men

Released just over twelve years ago, X-Men, while not the first foray into film by Marvel, can be considered the flagship of its rise to power in today’s superhero market. I couldn’t let the month of superhero films pass without including X-Men, and what better day to induct it into the vault than on the day Anna Paquin, a.k.a. Rogue, turns thirty.

X-Men

Marie (Anna Paquin) from Mississippi, learns she’s a mutant when she nearly kills her beau with a kiss. Frightened of her abilities, and by the fear-mongering of Senator Kelly (Bruce Davison) and his Mutant Registration Act, she runs away to the far reaches of Canada where she, now going by Rogue, meets the furry and surly mutant, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). The two begin to bond just as they’re attacked by Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) from the Brotherhood of Mutants. Sent by their leader, Magneto (Ian McKellan), Sabretooth is stopped by Storm (Halle Berry) and Cyclops (James Marsden) and the two bring Rogue and Wolverine to the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters to meet Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart). Once friends, Xavier knows Magneto believes the Senator’s Act as a declaration of war between humans and mutants. For the sake of all beings, Xavier must discover why a Southern lass and an adamantium-laced ass are so important to Magneto’s plans.

Rendezvous...

MILF Rendezvous: The Specials

Assuming folks were growing Bat-damn-tired of the Bat-themed reviews, the vault turns to Ol’ Reliable , the birthday calendar, looking for a celebrity born today who also has a superhero credit to their name. And the gates opened wide to reveal one of my favorite actresses, Judy Greer. Ms. Greer is 37 today and it was back in 2000 when she stepped into the superhero foray as Deadly Girl.

The Specials

Ted Tilderbrook (Thomas Haden Church), known to the world as The Strobe and often referred to as “The Great Strobe” by himself, can shoot laser beams from his arms and is the founder and leader of the superhero group, The Specials. The Specials are the world’s sixth or seventh most popular group of superheroes who usually see action only when the more popular, well-funded superhero teams are all busy or they deem the threat beneath their status. Times are a-changing for The Specials because Kosgrov Toys is releasing a line of action figures in their honor, which in the superhero world is the equivalent of an Oscar. With the excitement of the line and the induction of their newest member, Shelly a.k.a. Nightbird (Jordan Ladd), the only thing standing in their way is themselves.

Rendezvous...

Trailer Trash: July 20 of 2012

Not that you need to be reminded of what opens today, nor do you need a post citing my feelings toward said opener, but...

The Dark Knight Rises 

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!   

I hope you've got your ticket!

MILF Rendezvous: Batman Forever

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MMM: Swim Like Lions Through the Crest

Going all nostalgic for the second week in a row. Don't blame me, blame my local radio station for digging up some totally random, blast-from-the-past grooves. This week's selection may have had the longest fucking title ever! Probably not ever, but at least in 1996 it topped the list for long-ass titles. You may remember it as that "Phonebooth" song, or just as another one-hit wonder of the 90s, but today it's my Monday Mood Music selection. Enjoy!

Primitive Radio Gods -

Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand

MILF Rendezvous: Batman

Only one week stands between us stargazers and one of the most anticipated films of the summer; The Dark Knight Rises. With such an exciting prospect before us, how could the vault chronicle the superhero genre without Tim Burton’s Batman, which unleashed the Caped Crusader onto moviegoers everywhere.

Batman

Gotham City is not the safest place to raise a child; just ask billionaire Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton). A handful of honest public officials like District Attorney Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams) and Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) strive to protect the city from ilk like crime boss Carl Grissom (Jack Palance), his right-hand thug Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson) and their lackeys. Outside the confines of their law, whispers of a giant bat who preys on criminals catch the interest of reporter Knox (Robert Wuhl) and photographer Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger).  After Napier evolves into the sinister and psychotic Joker, he fixates on the winged vigilante. To stop him, Batman (Michael Keaton) must step from the shadows to save the citizens of Gotham from the Clown Prince of Crime.

Rendezvous...