Jebus help me! Where has the day gone? Hell, where has the week gone! It's already Friday afternoon and there are hot new movie releases ready to tantalize and please us.
In its last ditch effort to get stargazers into theaters, September has three major releases slated to open today. There are also numerous limited releases, including Ryan Reynolds' latest, Buried, which intrigues me (and not just because it fulfills my closeted desires to keep a sweaty Ryan Reynolds locked away for emergency debauchery). But I digress.
Let's focus on the films that IMDb reports as the big contenders for our money. You know the drill; I evaluate each movie on my own scale of Yes/No/Maybe and we've got one for each category this week. Shall We?
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps I have to see this, if for no other reason than to finally get an answer to my previous inquiry about the Gekko family continuity. Aside from that, this movie looks so good I don't even think the cinematic cuntblunder, Shia LaBeouf, can screw it up. I say everyone should go to see Michael Douglas reprise his scene chewing role.
Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!
You Again I'm not usually one for the insipid-looking, dumb comedies, but when Kristen Bell beckons, I must go. If my petite blond friend doesn't float your boat, you have the good looks and comedic talents of Odette Yustman, Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver and Betty White. Even with its PG rating, this is the one movie you, your little brother, your father, and your grandfather can see and you'll all leave with age-appropriate spank bank material.
Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole If I see this, I'd have to watch it in 3D. Then I can hope that one of the owls of Ga'Hoole will burst from the screen and gouge out my eyes. Maybe the pain of the attack will lessen the awfulness of this plodding, unimpressive-looking mess. At any rate, I prefer to wait for Zack Snyder's next project, Sucker Punch.
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy
That's all she wrote for September's new releases, stargazers. I'll be back soon with an actual review. Just you wait and see.