Week of Reel Whorror!: Pointless Nostalgia Day 5

Welcome to Day 5 of the

Week of Reel WHorror!

The first time I watched Children of the Corn (the original, not the remake or the umpteen painful sequels) I was staying with my Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Sandy. According to my sister, she was there, too, but that I don't recall. She remembers this because she was so scared at the thought of watching the movie. Ironic considering now she watches more horror movies than I ever have and probably ever will. But at six, she hadn't quite acquired a taste for the macabre.

My aunt had her reservations about showing this to us and told me that she would change the channel if it got too scary or gross. As long as I could watch part of it, I didn't care. She had flipped it back and forth several times, but her plan went terribly wrong towards the end. When Malachai pulled out his blade and lifted it to Vicky's face, I vividly recall my aunt exclaiming, "Ooh, Lord!" and click went the remote. Crisis averted, right? Except the other movie we'd been half-watching was Porky's Revenge. My eyes went from anticipating a blade drawing blood to seeing the naked lug, Meat, being chased around a riverboat by the hefty, and very naked Blossom. Of course, the next thing I heard was my aunt exclaim, as she clamped her hands over my eyes as she fumbled to turn off the cable box completely.

I think I can safely say I'm the only person who was exposed to my first nude scene while watching Children of the Corn. Let's take a look at what the flick's really all about:

Children of the Corn

Release: 03.09.84
DVD Release: 10.16.00
Rated R
1 hour, 32 minutes

Matinee




Based on the short story by Stephen King, Children of the Corn follows Burt (Peter Horton, TV: thirtysomething) and Vicky (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) as they travel through Nebraska on their way to Seattle. Burt hits a young child with his car, but the situation seems fishy so the couple veer into the nearest town, Gatlin, to seek help. Little do they know the children of the town follow the leadership of a creepy child, Isaac (John Franklin, The Addams Family), who preaches the ways of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

Isaac was one freaky kid with his creaky, morning-gruff voice. But the really scary character in Children of the Corn was Malachai (Courtney Gains, Behind Enemy Lines). Playing the fugly, red-headed, redneck was Courtney's big break into showbiz. They couldn't have cast a better teen for the role because you may forget Isaac, but you will never forget Malachai.


Seeing impressionable children as zealous followers of some dark, primal force is a frightening premise. However, Corn seems stretched to reach the ninety minute runtime. Conversations between Burt and Vicky and the two non-wackadoo children, Job (Robby Kiger) and Sarah (Anne Marie McEvoy), are deliberately drawn out. Not bad if hints of the conflict were being given, but the much-needed exposition is held until the final ten minutes where Job has to rattle of major details as if he were John Moschitta, Jr.

Children of the Corn also suffers from significant recurring continuity issues. Those aren't quite as bad as the cheesy glowing lights and sky effects that are used to represent He Who Walks Behind the Rows. It's hard to even grant leniency for effects quality at the time; better choices could have been made to craft a more sinister being than a few angry-faced clouds. The budget must have been blown on Isaac's final scene makeup.


Children of the Corn is still a decent horror movie. It's part of that era when you could consistently count on a film with the Stephen King moniker to be worth watching... for the story if not for anything else.

Week of Reel Whorror!: Pointless Nostalgia Day 4

Welcome to Day 4 of the

Week of Reel WHorror!

If you recognize that weirdo mug above, you already know what today's movie selection is. The following is more of a confession of silliness on my part than a real anecdote. Back in middle school, I was on the basketball team. And frankly, I sucked. Come to think of it a lot of us did since most of the points in every game were scored by the same two players. For those unfamiliar with the times, this was back in our country's history when if you sucked, you didn't get participation trophies, you got ridiculed and you felt like shit for stinking up the court.

You can imagine what a neat fantasy it was for me, when I was stepping onto the court, to hope that I'd get into some sort of tussle over the ball only to lose my cool and wolf out, wolf up, wolf-it, like Michael J. Fox did in Teen Wolf. I know; you're thinking, you so crazy! But seriously, think about it: we were the wildcats with dark-green-on-yellow uniforms; the Beavers wore dark-blue-on-yellow. Both teams sucked. And for those who don't know, my last name is Howard, just like Scott and his father Harold. A silly fantasy? Definitely. But what kid (or hell, adult for that matter) doesn't wish they had some cool power to get them through tough times? You may laugh, but I'd love to hear you 'fess up your flights of whimsy. Until you muster the courage, let's take a quick look at:


Teen Wolf


Release: 08.23.85
DVD Release: 09.01.00
Rated PG
1 hour, 31 minutes


Full Price


Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox, Back to the Future) is a below-average high school student. He sucks at basketball, he struggles with classes and wishes the hot girl in school would say two words to him. Like the tagline reads, he always wanted to be special...but he never expected this! One night, Scott discovers he carries the dominant trait for lycanthropy. It's not long before he loses his temper on the b-ball court and wolfs out in front of the student body. His new abilities enhance his athleticism, academics and social life. It's everything Scott ever wanted, so why isn't he happy?

"It didn't pass me by. It landed on my face!"

That simple premise, penned by comic book writer Jeph Loeb (Commando) and Matthew Weisman (Commando), is performed brilliantly by Fox. Though in his mid-twenties at the time, his boyish looks pass for high school age, unlike his rival, Mick McAllister (Mark Arnold), who was twenty-seven going on forty-two. That's what made the 80's, and even current high school films, great, right? Inappropriately aged actors trying to pull off awkward, underdeveloped teenagers.

Speaking of developed, Boof (Susan Ursitti) was a Q-T! She had a kinda Phoebe Cates vibe working for her. Had Scott seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High, he wouldn't have paid ol' what's-her-face any attention.


Though he doesn't get around much now, James Hampton (Sling Blade), who plays Scott's dad Harold, was a wonderful That Guy of the time. At least, I thought of him as such even before that term was around. He provides excellent fatherly wisdom and even gets to paraphrase Stan Lee's famous "with great power comes great responsibility" - no doubt an homage from Loeb. Another nifty homage is the nod to Saturday Night Fever, though I don't recall any of my friends doing the "Big Bad Wolf" at our dances.

While I'm doling out shout-outs, a special nod goes to Tom Adcock and Jeff Glosser who, respectively, were the dance double and basketball double that helped make Wolf-Scott so friggin' cool!

Teen Wolf only hints at the growing distance between Wolf-Scott and his friend Lewis (Matt Adler, Dream a Little Dream) that may have made the story more well-rounded. However, adding in those scenes might have thrown off the pacing and it's hard to beat a movie that effectively hits its marks and rolls credits by the ninetieth minute.

A few things could have been better explained. For example, how could an exceptionally sucky basketball team pull out a win without their supernaturally-enhanced point guard? For me, it doesn't matter because Teen Wolf was during a simpler time, when PG movies could feature underage drinking and scenes of sexuality. Ah, those were the days.

Week of Reel Whorror!: Pointless Nostalgia Day 3

Welcome to Day 3 of the

Week of Reel WHorror!

Yesterday was all about the first horror movie I ever watched alone. But the first scary movie I ever watched? Ghostbusters! In all honesty, I'd probably watched dozens of movies on Saturday's Million Dollar Matinee broadcast. However, Ghostbusters was the first movie I experienced in my parent's living room that wasn't interrupted by commercial breaks. Let's set the scene.

I seem to recall it was Christmas '85 (possibly '86) and waiting under the tree was a shiny VHS player. Oh, the excitement! To introduce our family to the world of at-home entertainment, we had four movies: Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Care Bears Movie (for my little sister, I swear!), Silverado and Ghostbusters! I'm sure we sat down and watched all of them that very day while we unwrapped our presents and played with our toys. The rest of the day was pretty much a blur.

I had to have watched Ghostbusters several more times and my sister practically burned a hole in The Care Bears Movie before we received the crushing news; the movies were not ours to keep, but Santa had rented them for our enjoyment. Cheap-ass fat man. I learned this when my mom stopped me from trying to peel off the barcode stuck to the side of the tape. What a sad day it was when we had to return those five tapes. That's right; turns out there was a fifth movie I knew nothing about, though now I have a pretty good inkling where Santa's mind was at. But I digress. I can't begin to describe you how exciting it was to see all those movies lining the walls of the video store and knowing that for just a few bucks, they were ours...for three days. So what do I think of the movie?


Ghostbusters


Release: 06.08.84
DVD Release: 06.29.99
Rated PG
1 hour, 45 minutes

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



Seriously?! How can you expect me to review a cornerstone of my infatuation with film? I've seen this movie so many times I can't even watch it like a normal person. I can't see how deconstructing, critiquing and analyzing one of my all-time favorite movies would do anything except destroy my cherished childhood memories. Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson are awesome and that's that!

You don't know how many times the phrase, "we came, we saw, we kicked its ass!" has been uttered in my house. You guys sure did, Bill, you sure did.

Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?

Week of Reel Whorror!: Pointless Nostalgia Day 2

Welcome to Day 2 of the

Week of Reel WHorror!

The toughest part of reminiscing over my childhood horror-movie memories is trying to decide where to start. I've decided to start in the middle with Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. I didn't start watching in the middle of the NOES series. I had seen the original and the sequel Freddy's Revenge with my cousins. See, I grew up in the boondocks and had to go to my cousins' house to watch FOX without the UHF fuzz. Those were the days when you could actually see movies on HBO and Showtime long before they were released on VHS and Beta. That's right, and Beta. But I digress. In short, my cousins introduced me to the glory of Freddy Krueger.

So when my mom took me to the local video store and I saw Dream Warriors, I had to see it despite her reservations. Why do I consider Dream Warriors a milestone? Because it was the first horror movie I got to experience alone. I remember my parents going to bed and me settling into my dad's chair, excitement bubbling as the tape heads whirred to life. I remember nervously laughing off the deaths, but, in all honesty, it scared the hell outta me. I had to switch on every light as I made my way to bed. Though I always slept with the door closed, I had to leave it open to even attempt to sleep. Therein was my fatal mistake. Just as exhaustion set in...WHAM! My bed shook as the impact's noise broke the silence. I literally bounced from fetal position to sitting straight up only to see my father in the doorway, laughing. He had thrown one of my sister's large stuffed animals against the bed. Dipshit. Luckily, I was young, as the strain on my heart was enough to scare an adult man to death.

Though I didn't sleep a wink the rest of the night, the event didn't leave any lasting trauma. I was able to continue enjoying horror movies for years to come. Since it's been over twenty years, here's Dream Warriors through a more discerning eye:


Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Release: 02.27.87
DVD Release: 09.21.99
Rated R
1 hour, 36 minutes


Matinee



In her film debut, Patricia Arquette (Uncle Buck) plays Kristen Parker, a teen who has nightmares of a creepy house and a horribly burned man in a dirty fedora, Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund, Urban Legend). After slitting her wrists, Kristen is admitted to Westin Hills psychiatric hospital where all the kids are plagued with nightmares of the same fiend with the metal-clawed hand. The lone survivor of Freddy's first REM attacks, Nancy Thompson (Heather Lagenkamp, TV: Just the Ten of Us) is now a psychiatrist who conveniently joins the staff and teaches the kids how to fight Freddy.

Watching this again after so many years, it's amazing how many of the details I recalled. One factoid I didn't recall was that Max the orderly was played by Laurence Fishburne (Event Horizon) back in the days when it was cool to call him Larry. At this point, he still hadn't made Anna Mae eat the cake, so why would I have recognized him? The remaining cast are still largely unknown faces though they all have worked in recent years. It's obvious Patricia has the huge "talents" that make her the focus. Oh, she can also summon people into her nightmares to help her, too.

Freddy systematically attacks each of the kids with his razor sharp claws and equally sharp wit. For example, the last words the aspiring actress ever hears is "Welcome to primetime, bitch!"


Each creative death is crafted with the finest special effects the late eighties had to offer; they spent major budget on some serious claymation. Granted, it looks cheesy as hell now, but you've got to look at these things with the proper perspective.

The story was penned by series creator Wes Craven (Cursed) with director Chuck Russel (The Mask), Bruce Wagner, and Frank Darabont (Shawshank Redemption). It's obvious that serious thought went into this sequel as a means to mop up the mess left by the previous sequel.

Dirty Undies
All things considered, the deaths are still pretty gruesome. Freddy's just cruel when he turns Joey's (Rodney Eastman, TV: Monk) wet dream with the naked nurse into the worst night of his life. I think the marionette maker, Phillip (Bradley Gregg), was the most disturbing, though not as much as some of Nancy's outfits:

Don Johnson called. He'd like his suit back.

And to think I had a schoolboy crush on her. Anyways, Dream Warriors is fairly violent and Freddy's creative creepiness really shines.

The Money Shot
Of all the NOES movies, I used to believe Dream Warriors was the best. While the original will always be great for establishing the premise, this was the superior of the sequels. Dream Warriors, thanks to great writing and the acting of Patricia Arquette, still feels compelling despite being painfully dated. I wonder if they'll get Patricia to cameo in the 2010 remake?

Huh, Huh, You Said "Poll"

Wow! I can't believe it, but you stargazers are really starting to enjoy the Reel Whore poll! My latest inquiry, "what's your monster fetish?," topped the number of votes cast for last month's Patrick Swayze poll. I couldn't ask for better participation to kick off the Week of Reel Whorror!

Here's how the 28 votes break down:

Golems, a.k.a. Frankenstein's Monster et al., are the most unloved of the classic monsters, garnering 0 votes. I guess those torch-and-pitchfork-wielding villagers were onto something.

Votes didn't really flood in for Witches who were largely swept under the rug, with only 1 vote.

In fourth place, we have a 3 vote tie between Demons and Werewolves.

I've always had an affinity for our ferocious, furry friends so, technically, my uncast vote would put a foot in the ass of demons, sending them back to hell to lap at the footpads of the lycanthropes!

Haunting third place in my poll are Ghosts with 6 votes. Any genre that boasts Bruce Willis among its numbers can't be all bad.

Given the Twilight craze occurring, I'm surprised to see that Vampires only managed to charm their way into second place with 7 votes. Suck on that, Edward Cullen!

And the most adored monster, according to all of you, are ZOMBIES with 8 votes! With movies such as Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, and Night of the Living Dead, it's a no-brainer to see how easily they clawed their way to the top of the heap.


Okay, I think that's enough puns for at least a month. Thanks again to everyone who voted. If you haven't noticed, another poll was started during the last Monday Mood Music. While the debate over Lady Gaga rages on in the Whore house, I want to know what you stargazers think about her. It's a perfect chance to give your two cents about the Pop Costume Queen. Vote soon; this poll ends at the end of the month!

MMM: Pointless Nostalgia

Hello stargazers. It's been a week since I've posted. I wish I could say I've been hard at work doing great things, but the truth of it is the daily grind had me neck deep in drudgery. That's neither here nor there. All that's important is that today is not only the day for another installment of the Monday Mood Music, but it's the beginning of the

Week of Reel WHorror!!!

muahahahahahahaha!

ahem...anyway. The theme of this year's Week of Reel Whorror! is a walk down memory lane. Specifically, I will be reliving horror memories of my childhood. I don't know what this says about my parents, but when I was but a wee lad I had my very own album of spooky sounds. Knowing my mother and father, I must have instigated the purchase of this album with threats of a tantrum if it were not done. Not saying I was a brat, but my folks weren't the type to actively seek out scary things for their firstborn. But I digress.

The point is I recall laying in the game room, listening to the console speakers crackle as the needle on the turntable converted the grooves of the record into the eerie monologue of Ghostly Sounds.

I remember thinking how cool it was that the LP's front and back made one big image. Oh, how easily impressed we are as children. The album was released in 1975 much like myself. It was put out on the Peter Pan Records label and is credited to Gershon Kingsley and Peter Waldron. You can find the album for sale online if you're looking for that perfect gift to frighten your child. Lucky for me, my folks still have my copy and the console stereo to play it. To christen the start of the Week of Reel Whorror, here now is the second track:

Ghostly Sounds - Goblins Step, and Laugh

Wow, I forgot how freaky sounding that album was! Sorry that was a bit short, but it was the only clip I could find. Then again, listening to the entire album may be too creepy!

Thinking back to my parents' console stereo, I also remember dancing to one of my mom's first 8-track tapes. Although this song has already been featured as a Monday Mood Music selection, I figure given recent circumstances, no one will mind the opportunity to enjoy this Halloween classic again:

Michael Jackson - Thriller

MMM: Ignoring the Elephant in the Room

There's nothing like waking up with a little morning poll, is there? This Monday Mood Music artist is the reason for that poll. No, not in that way. While I think she has a nice body, I don't find her attractive. The wife and I both agree that her platinum hair isn't doing her any favors when combined with her facial features. Considering the blondness of one's hair has a directly proportional relationship to a female artist's popularity (see also Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Shakira, Beyoncé, etc.), I can't fault her for going for the gold.

At the Whore House, her looks aren't the problem. The contention lies in her music. The wife has never been a fan of dance or electronic music whereas I enjoy it quite a bit. While she enjoyed this young lady's first release, her ire has only increased with each subsequent release. I, on the other hand, enjoy her music, though her latest single is not my favorite from her debut album.

In talks with friends and from the interwebs, time and again I find she is, at best, an acquired taste. That's why I want to know what do my readers think of Lady Gaga? To help you judge her purely on talent, I've found the song most hated by my wife, but with a slight twist. This is a video of an excellent acoustic version of Poker Face which Lady Gaga performed live in Tokyo. If you've never heard her without the synthetic beats, here's your chance:

Lady Gaga - Poker Face (acoustic)

Now, tell me what you think of Ms. Germanotta.