MMM: I'm So Lonely

Over the holiday weekend, my cousin was excited to tell me about this new song he had heard. I believe his exact words were, "It's this song with jizz." It took me a sec, then with a grin I replied, "Oh, The Lonely Island!" He hadn't discovered them or their debut single until recently. Not surprisingly, he's a good deal younger than I and it's becoming a well-documented fact that my wife and I are in the minority of folks who actually still watch Saturday Night Live.

His excitement over Jizz in my Pants had me asking if he had heard other songs from the SNL Digital Shorts like Dick in a Box, I'm on a Boat and most importantly Natalie's Rap. Sadly he, like everyone else, only knew Dick in a Box. I told him all about the greatness and glory of The Lonely Island's collabos with T-Pain and Natalie Portman on the remaining two songs. However, to fully appreciate the songs I encouraged him (and you!) to see the accompanying videos.

While I'd love to post all these video today, I thought I'd just choose one from The Lonely Island's album Incredibad. I went with Jizz in My Pants because it is performed solely by The Lonely Island sans collabo. The video does feature a few cameos, but the performance rests completely on the shoulders of group members Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer. It's a great video. It ends too quickly, but that's only appropriate.

The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants

The musical Digital Shorts are frequently the highlight of any given SNL episode. You should give Incredibad a listen if you haven't already.

No pressure fellas, but keep up the great work!

Fun For the Select Family

Adventureland


Release: 04.03.09
1 hour, 47 minutes
Rated R


Second Run Seats



After graduating college, James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg, The Squid and the Whale) learns that his summer in Europe has been downsized much like his father's job. To scrimp and save for his graduate education at Columbia University, James gets hired to work games at Adventureland. He'd prefer to run the rides, but the owner Bobby (Bill Hader, Hot Rod) is certain James looks very gamey. James makes fast friends with fellow gamers Joel (Martin Starr, Knocked Up) and Em (Kristen Stewart, The Messengers). James's heart soars in Em's presence, but her affection may be harder to win than a giant-ass panda.

What better day to review Adventureland than on the 19th birthday of its lead actress, Kristen Stewart! Happy Birthday Kristen. I've only seen Ms. Stewart in a few films but she really knocked her Adventureland performance out of the park. In my opinion, its by and far her best role to date no matter what you Twilighters might think. Both her and Eisenberg do an excellent job conveying the awkwardness and misery of their circumstances. Ryan Reynolds (Waiting...) gives a surprisingly subdued performance as the park's older, cooler maintenance guy. It's also a shock to see Kristen Wiig (Semi-Pro) really rein in her over-the-top wackiness to portray Bobby's simple, silly wife Paulette.

For all the trailers touting Adventureland's hilarity, the laughs are spaced few and far between in this introspective tale of being trapped in Pittsburgh in the eighties. The obviously autobiographical tale by writer-director Greg Mottola (Superbad) both excels and stumbles in it's thoughtfulness. James, Joel and Em have this sophisticated air in contrast to the Philistines that run the rides; in particular Frigo (Matt Bush) and the lovely Lisa P. (Margarita Levieva). By the way I'm not saying this ain't true, but if I were writing my wonder years, I'd have the hottest chick around fawn all over me, too. But I digress. Many times the trio talk and behave so superior to the other characters that it alienates Adventureland from mass audience appeal. There is also considerable underdevelopment of supporting details like James's homelife, which stands out in a film where so much care is given to craft perfectly disdainful retorts and observations.

Dirty Undies
Even in the most retina-searing fashions of the eighties, Lisa P. is smokin' hot! Watching her and BFF Kelly (Kimisha Renee Davis) get their choreographed groove on to jams like Rock Me Amadeus is just too cool for school! Disappointingly, the young Ameircans engage in more sex talk than actual sex. Mostly the gang hangs around drinking booze and smoking James's stash of weed.

The Money Shot
Despite talking over his audience's head a lot, Mottola's Adventureland has some worthy merits. The eighties style and music are spot on. James's atypical honesty and Em's emotional turmoil give this romance a refreshing twist. But if you purchase a ticket to Adventureland searching for a rollercoaster of fun, you'll be in for a swift punch to the nads.

The Horrific Truth Behind this True Story

The Haunting in Connecticut


Release: 03.27.09
1 hour, 42 minutes
Rated PG-13


Group Rental




In the same way her son Matt (Kyle Gallner, TV: Veronica Mars) can barely stomach his cancer treatments, Sarah Campbell (Virginia Madsen, Number 23) cannot bear to watch him suffer on their long road trips back to suburban Connecticut. Sarah and husband Peter (Martin Donovan, The Quiet) decide to rent a house near the treatment facility to ease everyone's stress. Sarah finds the perfect house for cheap; perfect and cheap if you don't mind living in an old funeral home. No one minds, except for the wayward souls that keep lurking around the Campbell's dying son.

Haunting, based on true events, tries to strike a balance between Matt's battle with cancer and the recurring appearance of ghosts in his basement digs. At times, Matt sees through the eyes of a young spirit, Jonah, who appears to Matt as an extra crispy version of his former self. The KFC spectre mainly just stares at Matt and lurches over him while he sleeps. Startling moments of here-one-second, gone-the-next are the extent of the film's overused scare tactics. I was more frightened by how often mommie dearest inexplicably left her children alone for large spans of time.

The whole damn film is one huge exercise in tedium. Like most lame-ass, teen-friendly horror flicks, jittery flashbacks tease audiences with the house's dark side. Whenever the KFC spectre goes on break, Matt splits his time between entertaining his siblings and cousin Wendy (Amanda Crew, Sex Drive), and by calling fellow cancer patient, Reverend Popescu (Elias Koteas, Zodiac), to talk death and ghosts. Judging by the Reverend's baggy attire, I assume John Goodman backed out of production and the budget didn't allow for a refitting for Koteas. Regardless, Koteas gives it his all.

Haunting cuts a lot of corners. Scenes are notably grainy. At first it seemed to set a mood, but when conversation sequences shift continually between poorly-shot and strikingly clear, it's friggin' annoying. The script works the same. When Matt's visits by the KFC spectre are confirmed, Encylopedia Wendy is on the case and in an afternoon uncovers the entire history of the hell house. The religious faith of Sarah and the Reverend are treated as taboo, almost as if the spirits themselves didn't allow more to be written into the story. I could stomach all these weaknesses if I wasn't being spoon-fed every other frivolous detail of the Campbells' life.

Dirty Undies
Gentle scares are mildly unnerving at best. The children seem to be in peril, but aside from treating Matt like an Etch-A-Sketch, the ghosts do very little besides stand around. Also, the shockingly horrific reveal doesn't make a lick of sense! A sure-fire indication a horror flick sucks is when the explanation creates more questions than it answers.

The Money Shot
The Haunting in Connecticut was so dull, I felt my brain shut off about ten minutes into it. As the climax approached and I snapped to attention, I realized I didn't know anything about Matt, his family, the KFC spectre or the other spirits I'd been watching for over an hour. The worst part? It didn't fucking matter. When it was all said and done, The Haunting in Connecticut amounted to nothing more than boredom in the theater.

MMM: Baby, Baby Do

Apparently my wife and I were in the minority of people who chose to spend their money on Adventureland in lieu of throwing it away on Vin Diesel's Fast & Furious. While Adventureland wasn't a life changing film, it had a ton of music popular in the eighties. It belittled one song in particular; a personal favorite.

I was ten going on eleven when first exposed to this particular song. Back in those days, I didn't have the benefit of the internets to discover new music. Hell, I didn' t even have cable television for music video watching! But from the tinny speakers of my bud's boombox, Falco rocked me with Rock Me Amadeus. It rocked me so much, I had to have my own cassette of the album Falco 3.

I'm certain Rock Me Amadeus is responsible for my affection towards techno music. You can then imagine how wounded I was when the characters of Adventureland talked smack about my jam. I'll get into more details about the movie later this week, but for now let's just soak up some eighties goodness:

Falco - Rock Me Amadeus

I wished that video contained the "baby baby do" breakdown in the middle. I may have to blow the dust off my shoebox of cassettes to give the full song a listen...maybe I'll just download it instead.

Trailer Trash: The April-09 Gang Bang

I committed to watching all eleven of the major releases I trashed back in March. Out of those eleven, one was bumped into April, leaving ten. Of those ten, I saw six. I would've seen more, but I went temporarily blind from viewing Miss March and have just recently recovered.

April brings twelve major releases but judging from what the trailers have shown, I will make no such commitments to see them all. This month's selections are a mish-mash of ripped-0ff ideas. That's why I've taken the liberty to rename every release Reel Whore style.

I present to you IMDB's April releases, ranked from worst to best for your reading enjoyment:

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Obsessed (04.24) Sasha Fierce has realized the only way she'll keep her non-acting ass in movies is to produce them. The only way to keep audiences in theaters is to produce good films. Since Bey's acting and good film are rarely one and the same, I'll pass.
Reel's Title: Dreamgirls 2: The Hand that Bribes the Academy

"This weave is like fiya!"

Earth (04.22) James Earl Jones narrates this documentary focusing on three animal families in peril. Recycling is chic, but rebranding a portion of the Planet Earth television series for the big screen for bigger bucks has left Gaia weeping.
Reel's Title: Earth: This Shit is Free on TV!

Hannah Montana: The Movie (04.10) Ever notice how much Miley Cyrus has grown to resemble her father Billy Ray? That's not a compliment. Nothing against the teen queen, but I can't help but hum "girl, you'll be a man soon" every time I see this trailer.
Reel's Title: Best of Both Worlds 2: She's the Man!

Fast & Furious (04.03) I never caught the VD fever. I've lost count of how many of his films land on the DVD rack, never seeing a theater reel. This clunker should have tread a similar path. Only way I'd enjoy this is if M-Rod rode me like a muscle car while this played in the background.
Reel's Title: Fast & Furious 4: Boosting Our "Car"eers

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

17 Again (04.17) 1988 really squeezed every last ounce of blood from this plot turnip. Still, casting Thomas Lennon, Leslie Mann and Michelle "The Trach" Trachtenberg gives me an inkling of hope this won't entirely suck.
Reel's Title: Big 2: The UnBiggening

Dragonball: Evolution (04.10) I really want this to be awesome, but some weird wirework scenes and an uncharacteristically douchey Goku give me pause. I'll still check it out, if only to support James Marsters... and to drool over Reaper's Eriko.
Reel's Title: Dragonball: Devolution

Fighting (04.24) Terrence Howard is no Harrison Page, but he's got the street-wise hustler shtick down. Would it have been too difficult to get JCVD to make a cameo in this? It's the least the writers could do since they blatantly plagiarize his original idea. Now, watching him beat their asses? I'd pay to see that.
Reel's Title: Lionheart 2: The Heart of a Lion Ultimate Fighting Edition


Observe and Report (04.10) There was a time when you'd say "Oh, Ray Liotta is in this!" Nowadays it's more like, "Oh, Ray Liotta is in this..." But Anna Faris is also in this, which makes this mandatory viewing. With Rogen on board, maybe the trio will churn out something amusing.
Reel's Title: Paul Blart 2: The Foot-Fist Segway

Moist With Antici...Pation!

State of Play (04.17) Feels a lot like a TV procedural (a la Castle or Law & Order) and rightfully so, it being based on a UK series and all. Don't let the Ben Affleck appearance fool you, this has the advantage of Tony Gilroy's award-winning writing performed by many top-shelf actors; incuding Helen Mirren and Russell Crowe.
Reel's Title: Mr. Grisham Goes to Washington

The Soloist (04.24) Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey, Jr. have rarely gone astray in my eyes. Jamie even had the good sense to get killed early on in Stealth. This based-in-truth tale has a great pedigree all around, including supporting stars Catherine Keener and Stephen Root.
Reel's Title: Reign Over My August Rush

Adventureland (04.03) There's a good chance this will be about as much fun as going to the run-down Adventureland, but the supporting cast keeps me exceptionally optimistic. Just so you know, I base my belief firmly in the way, way better redband trailer.
Reel's Title: Caddyshack: Sex under Six Flags

Crank: High Voltage (04.17) Crank creators are hoping lightning will strike twice by revisiting the seemingly-abbreviated life of Chev Chelios. How appropriate that High Voltage's premise mocks that attempt. With a battery-fueled Jason Statham saddled by a gyrating Amy Smart, I've already bought my ticket.
Reel's Title: Crank: Blinked, My Ass!


***

There's nothing I can say that'll top that poster. See you at the movies!

Ass Chrimm

Miss March


Release: 03.13.09
Rated R
1 hour, 30 minutes


Read a MuFu'n Book!




A month ago I said I would rather clean the debris from an elephant's rectal thermometer than go see Miss March. Turns out, you need specific skills to do that sort of job so with that task marked from my to-do list, a hole opened up to view this flick.

Straight-laced, pro-abstinence Eugene (Zach Cregger) makes a pact with his girlfriend of two and a half years, Cindi (Raquel Alessi, Ghost Rider), to pop her cherry on prom night. His crass, horndog buddy, Tucker Cleigh (Trevor Moore), couldn't be happier for his best bud and they toss back a few drinks to christen Eugene's journey to manhood. Instead, Eugene journeys to the bottom of the stairs and into a coma, waking four years later to discover Cindi is a Playboy centerfold. Tucker hauls Eugene across country to reunite with his old flame at the Playboy mansion's big bash.

Remember in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me when Austin unknowingly drinks a stool sample, thinking it's coffee? It's gross but surprisingly funny, mainly because Austin doesn't know it's shit that he's about to consume. Had Austin known it was actually colonic coffee and drank it anyway, that'd just be stupid and sick. The same is true here. Going into Miss March, the film reeked of shit, looked like shit and most likely would be shit. Still, I drank it in. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth. I paid a $1.50 for my ticket and I was fucking robbed!

Stars Moore and Cregger also wore the writer and director's hats on this project; apparently, all at the same time. Scenes felt cobbled together in the moment. The direction didn't accentuate the story or even revel in the inanity of the scene. The casting was horrible. Fellow classmate Candace (Molly Stanton) looked 35 in high school, 25 when all growed up, but in reality she turned 29 the same day this was released. This career killer is one helluva birthday gift to receive to someone who didn't deserve it. Craig Robinson (Zack and Miri Make a Porno) plays another classmate-turned-rapper, Horsedick.MPEG. Yes, you heard me; Horsedick DOT MPEG! Being helpful, he gives the dudes a ride on his bus, but don't get this confused with his mildly amusing appearance as Havana Bob on the Helpful Bus:

PG PORN: Helpful Bus | Celebrities | SPIKE.com

That four-minute clip is funnier than the entirety of Miss March. When Hugh Hefner's (The House Bunny) acting is worth mentioning, you know it's a bad film.

Dirty Undies
Speaking of Playboy, what's with the nudity? There's a total of four, maybe five uncovered breasts but the direction never showed them the proper respect. Likewise, the film's most intelligent joke, a recurring poo prank, is never adequately captured. If you're going for the gross and crass, at least do it right.

The Money Shot
Badly shot, badly told and badly acted. I didn't expect Academy-level precision from Moore and Cregger, but a basic level of competency in any of the three areas would have been appreciated. I took the time to show up to your film; you should have had the courtesy to do the same.

Triple Team'd: A Very, Very UN-Review toYou!

Last week I had the pleasure of getting triple teamed by Rhona Mitra, Elizabeth Banks and Odette Yustman... in the purely cinematical sense. I went to the theater not once, not twice, but three times to gaze upon these ladies in their latest offerings. My satisfaction, however, was not guaranteed.


The Unborn

Release: 01.09.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 27 minutes

Group Rental


Stop me if you've heard this one; a creepy old lady, a freaky kid, and a rabbi walk into a bar in Chicago to meet Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman, Cloverfield). They all seek to live in peace but the boat across the river will only carry two at a time. You can't leave the rabbi with the old lady because...well, you get the point. How will Casey resolve this problem while furthering her budding career?

The answer: She can't. Try as she might, all Yustman can hope for is that someone noticed how yummy she looked in every single scene of The Unborn. The story, penned and directed by David S. Goyer (Blade), didn't pop. It was nifty that the tale had a historical tilt, using Nazi experimentation as the basis for unleashing this supernatural curse. But the atmosphere of the story rarely inspired fear or dread. Sure, there was a spanky scene when the conservative Rabbi Sendak (Gary Oldman, Hannibal) flipped his yarmulke when confronted by evil spirits, but those moments were drastically outnumbered by meandering exposition.

Dirty Undies
Three words may convince some to see this: Odette. Yustman. Cameltoe. It's the best to hope for in this teen-friendly flick. Yustman also shares screentime with Meagan Good (Brick) and Carla Gugino (Watchmen), in her third film of 2009, makes a brief appearance as Casey's late, tore-up mother. The climax erupts into a violent flurry, but being mesmerized by Yustman's cuteness may not ferry you through the agony leading to that point.

The Money Shot
Goyer had a good idea on his hands and assembled some capable talent so I'm not quite sure where it all fell apart. The devil's in the details, and the tedious attention to every facet delivered a stillborn film.


Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans

Release: 01.23.09
Rated R
1 hour, 32 minutes

Matinee


In the third installment of the Underworld series, what was legend now becomes truth. Lucian (Michael Sheen, The Queen), the first in a lineage of evolved werewollves, is favorite slave to head vampire Viktor (Bill Nighy, Hot Fuzz). He's also a favorite of Viktor's daughter Sonja (Rhona Mitra, Doomsday). Lucian fathers a line of werewolf slaves, toils every day as a blacksmith, and spends his nights with Sonja "fixing her cable." A man can be stretched only so far before he snaps.

Rise of the Lycans is full of forbidden love, betrayal and violence. If you've seen the prior two films there are some nice character connections across the stories. However, having seen the first two films makes Rise feel rather dull. Knowing the story foretold, I found myself waiting for certain moments to occur and grew increasingly impatient when little was happening. Luckily, watching Nighy portray Viktor as King Douche kept my antsiness in check. Nighy was a blast in every scene; every ounce a grade-A dick.

Dirty Undies
It's hard to believe Sheen is the same wimpy guy from all those other films considering he's pretty hunky as the inspiring Lucian. He steals the show from Mitra who is essentially a minor character by comparison. They both get into some good tussles, ripping their opponents to shreds and splattering blood for miles. The film is full of the satisfying crunch and thud of sword and arrows against flesh and bone.

The Money Shot
Lucian has some great transformations, but I wish the primitive werewolf effects didn't look so weak. In retrospect, they should have told the trilogy in order. Then again, maybe it's better to end on a high note.


The Uninvited

Release: 01.30.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 27 minutes

Matinee


Anna (Emily Browning, Ghost Ship) is released from the mental institution and returns home to her father Steven (David Strathairn, Blue Car), her sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel, Grudge 2) and her new stepmother Rachael (Elizabeth Banks, Role Models). Oh yeah, her dead mom's ghost is still lurking around their coastal home, nudging at forgotten memories of the night she died and how then-nurse Rachael was a party to the incident. Anna, with help from her sister, slowly begins to piece together that fateful night's events.

I admit, due to a showtime snafu, I missed the first five minutes of The Uninvited, but unless they pulled a Lester Burnham on me, I doubt I missed anything crucial. That said, what I did see was a solid piece of filmmaking. It helps that it is an Americanized version of the great Korean horror flick, A Tale of Two Sisters. I'd still recommend watching the original work, but if you're not big on subtitles The Uninvited does a respectable job. The story is kept tight and tense. The runtime is significantly less than the original but the film doesn't feel rushed.

Dirty Undies
Elizabeth Banks finds herself in some sexual situations, but nothing as graphic as Zack and Miri territory. The mom ghost and some other apparitions are pretty creepy. There's also gallons of blood, though it lacks the sickening punch of watching wounds being inflicted.

The Money Shot
I didn't really understand why pops came off so distant towards Anna. Maybe he was just worn out from entertaining his young mistress until the wee hours of the morning, maybe not. I invite you to go check this out and explain it to me.