A Quickie: Public Enemies

Public Enemies


Release: 07.01.09
Rated R
2 hours, 20 minutes

Matinee

IMDB's synopsis for Public Enemies reads "The Feds try to take down notorious American gangsters John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd during a booming crime wave in the 1930s." Almost. Moreover, Dillinger (Johnny Depp, Blow) & Company are the primary targets of J. Edgar Hoover's (Billy Crudup, Mission: Impossible III) war on crime. His G-Men, led by Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale, Equilibrium), birddog every connection of Dillinger's until there's nowhere left to run.

I was drawn to the prospect of seeing a Michael Mann (Miami Vice) directed period action-drama hosting a cavalcade of starpower. To its credit, Public Enemies delivers exactly that, but little else. Depp's Dillinger is the focal point; the remaining "Most Wanted" being little more than a footnote in his notorious career. Henchmen and partners pass through his spotlight, but you can't tell one from another save the orange-haired "Red" (Jason Clarke, Death Race). The thugged-out performances by Stephen Dorff (Shadowboxer), Channing Tatum (Havoc), Giovanni Ribisi (Gone in Sixty Seconds), and Stephen Graham (Snatch) aren't bad, but their few seconds of screentime don't add up to a significant role.

Even the great white hunter Purvis is little more than an emotionless, straight-faced cameo by the second-billed Bale. It's quite an impressive feat for a director to pull in all this talent to essentially be day players. The only healthy-portioned role other than Depp's is that of Dillinger's lady friend, Billie Frechette, played by the lovely Marion Cotillard (Big Fish).

When Enemies isn't aflurry with cameos, guns fire a flurry of bullets across the thoroughfare. Cars give moderately speedy chases (it IS the 30's) and yet the only lasting impression any of it leaves is the numbness in my ass. Despite Depp and Cotillard's rousing performances, the languid minutes that pass in this largely forgettable film are the real public enemies.

Today I Feel Like This...

The Jizt: Knowing

Come one, come all (no pun intended)! Reel Whore is unveiling a new series. Most days I try to please my audience with full-length reviews, but there are times when I only have time to squeeze in A Quickie. What I've discovered is that in this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't even have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. To remedy this situation, I've created The Jizt. Like Mr. Owl, The Jizt can knock out a film review in three licks:

A One...
The Build-up: A one-sentence synopsis of the film.

A Two...
The Blurt-out: A random statement one might say as if in the throes of passion.

A Three!..
The Jizt! A one-sentence opinion of the film.

As always, the film's basic information will be provided. I will also list three of its actors. With The Jizt explained, who better to help me demonstrate this new feature than Nicholas Cage with his film which coincidentally releases on DVD today, Knowing.

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Knowing

Release: 03.20.09
DVD Release: 07.07.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 1 minute

Group Rental




Cast: Nicholas Cage (Wicker Man), Chandler Canterbury (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Rose Byrne (Sunshine)


The Build-up: A widowed astronomy professor, Koestler, and his son come to possess a fifty-year-old piece of paper full of numbers that foretell humanity's imminent destruction.

The Blurt-out: As a fellow Ford owner, I was comforted knowing the roomy interior and tight turning radius of a mighty F-150 transported Koestler & Co. to the apocalypse with ease.

The Jizt: Knowing Nic Cage's track record, I knew enough to pay only $1.50 to see Knowing, but had I known Knowing was such a mess I'd have been better off blowing the cash at Wendy's, know what I'm saying?

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Counting Down the Zeroes: They Can't All Be Winners!

This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

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Bad Santa

Release: 11.26.03
DVD Release: 6.22.04
Rated R (DVD: UR)
1 hours, 28 minutes
(UR: 1 hour, 38 Minutes)

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



Around this time of year, you will inevitably hear ads pitching Christmas in July sales. I bet you never thought you'd come upon a website promoting a Christmas movie in July! Specifically, a review of a live action interpretation of Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. If you're picturing Jim Carrey in green makeup and a matching fur suit, you're thinking of the wrong antagonist.

You should actually picture Willie Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton, Slingblade), an unshaven, unclean wretch who's just shy of alcohol poisoning. Every Christmas Willie portrays the appropriately titled Bad Santa at a random shopping mall while his partner Marcus (Tony Cox, Friday) dresses as Santa's elfin helper. They suffer through the prattled wishes of dullard children until Christmas Eve arrives. As mall patrons and employees are nestled all snug in their beds, the two rob the mall clean of its expensive goods and stacks of cash.

To read the full post, head over to Film for the Soul...

MMM: Returning to the Grind

I've got three reasons to post this week's mood music selection. First, it's the Monday after a three day weekend and, if you're like me, it's a struggle to return to the daily grind. I'd much rather prefer another day, week, month, or year off if it were possible. Since I didn't win the lottery on the Fourth, that dream will be deferred a few more days.

Secondly, I love this band and it's a crying shame I haven't featured them long before now. My friends and I saw Huey Lewis and the News in concert back in 2003 and it was a blast! It probably helped that we were third row center, close enough to see the embroidery on Huey's gold suit. Koka Booth amphitheater is already an intimate venue, but at that range we were within ten feet of Huey most of the concert. That's way better than his father-in-law, a local resident who was crammed in the back with the masses (no joke).

I could talk on and on about my love for HL&tN, but instead, I'll leave you with the biggest reason I chose them for this week's mood music. Huey Lewis turned 59 yesterday, July 5. This is a belated birthday wish for Mr. Cregg.

As I trudge through this post-holiday Monday, I will preoccupy my mind with some fun tunes from a band that's been entertaining us for nearly thirty years, starting now:

Huey Lewis and the News - Workin' for a Livin'

They really do put on an awesome concert, full of energy and great music. Here's hoping they make the rounds again in the near future. Who do you wish would come 'round your neck of the woods?

Robots Rock! People Suck.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


Release: 06.24.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 30 minutes


Second Run Seats


Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) and his Autobots are working with the American military to track and eliminate the Decepticons remaining on Earth. These rogue Decepticons are actually scouring the globe as part of a plot by the ancient Transformer known only as the Fallen (Tony Todd, The Rock). Their scheme is to recover a shard of the All Spark, revive Megatron (Hugo Weaving, V for Vendetta), locate the Matrix of Knowledge, destroy Optimus, and rape the Earth of its Energon; not necessarily in that order.

For a film about robots, Revenge wastes a HUGE amount of time filling the minutes with extraneous details about the ineffectual ants littering the screen. I don't give one drippy ounce of flaccid ejaculate about Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, Constantine) embarking on his college adventure, his relationship with smokin' hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox, Transformers), his dillweed roommate, or his parents and their obnoxious hijinks. I also don't give one smelly fart about the walking-talking dildo of a government agent hell-bent on dismantling NEST: that's the robot-human military team comprised of Major Lennox (Josh Duhamel, Turistas), Master Sergeant Epps (Tyrese Gibson, Annapolis) and an army of bodybags.

Unlike many critics, I harbor no inherent disdain for director Michael Bay (Bad Boys). I enjoyed the hell out of The Rock, Armageddon, and The Island. Also, he's the last director to give Theresa Randle a role in a major motion picture, which deserves some respect. But frankly, he doesn't know dick about making a quality sequel as evidenced first in Bad Boys II, and even more so with Revenge of the Fallen.

With the history established in Transformers, Bay needed to develop the human face of the robots, but Revenge couldn't make us care less. Don't say people can't care for robots; damn near every person in the world went all weepy over a talking trash compactor on treads last year. Writers Ehren Kruger (Skeleton Key), Robert Orci (Legend of Zorro), and Alex Kurtzman (Star Trek) could have crafted more than robot caricatures if they hadn't wasted pages stitching in slap-dash scenes for those meddling humans. It also might have helped if Bay had stopped the gorram camera from zooming and spinning for five friggin' seconds!

Dirty Undies
Oh Megan, you are a pretty one aren't you? You've got a tight body, lovely deep blue eyes and one hollow melon on your shoulders. A word of advice; when you audition for your next role, you want to choke it down your throat. Being repeatedly poked in the brainpan will only worsen your deteriorating mental state. Stay foxy.


Open Prime's glovebox and you'll find a his wallet etched with "Bad Motherfucker." In a fantastic forest battle, Optimus wrecks several Decepticons proving he will stop at nothing to protect the human race. If you're a Decepticon locked in hand-to-hand combat, watch out man! Optimus will rip your fucking face off, punch a hole through your chest, and slice a hole in your engine block with a quickness! No wonder he's the Autobot leader; he'd shove the opposition's muffler so far up their ass they'd choke on exhaust before they could even challenge him.

The Money Shot
I had to throw up my hands in disbelief when half-way through Revenge John Turturro's character, Simmons, says, "Let's not get episodic. Beginning. Middle. End. The plot. Tell it!" Why, for the love of all that is holy, would the writers put such an instruction in the script and fail so miserably to adhere to it?! Bay's explosions and action sequences are phenomenal and the feat of coordinating actors with the astounding CGI and effects is no simple task, but let's face it, Revenge is lazy storytelling.

Trailer Trash: The July-09 Gang Bang

Whew, if not for The Hangover, June would have been a total wash. Before you ask, yes, I did see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and, well, my review will be posted soon. I'm not here to lament over last month's middling mediocrity; I'm here to dip my wick in July's offerings.

July has some seriously tempting treats. This will be the true test. If I don't come away from this month with at least two great film experiences, I may have to exercise my right to cinematic celibacy for the entire month of August!

Here are July's releases according to the IMDb Summer Movie Guide, ranked from worst to best for your reading enjoyment.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Aliens in the Attic (07.31) I've never walked out of a trailer before, but when Doris Roberts did the Shōryū-ken, I was nearly disgusted enough to do so. Then she slid down the banister and I actually felt a little bit of my brain leak out my ear.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (07.01) I never understood what was so great about hiding adult humor within cutesy animated flicks. The first Ice Age was insufferable, yet somehow we're up to #3. Call me when it's time to celebrate Ice Age: The Fossilized Five.

Orphan (07.24) This muddled-looking mess stars Claire Farmiga or Vera Forlani or something like that. It's hard to tell since all the trailer focuses on is the creepy Morton Salt girl. Peter Sarsgaard awoke from his couch in hysterics when he realized he'd agreed to costar.

Maggie gets The Dark Knight, and I get this?! Aaaarrrgh!

G-Force (07.24) Hot off his breakout role in The Hangover, Zach Galifianakis stars as government liaison to a team of talking, superspy guinea pigs. Way to keep that rising star firmly anchored, big G! But with Bruckheimer producing, here's hoping the fuzzy buggers are rigged to explode!


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Ugly Truth (07.24) I'd rush out to see this if I hadn't already seen everything in the trailers. Unless Katherine Heigl pops out a boob a la Heather Graham in The Hangover, I'll just set aside a $1.00 for the future Redbox rental.

Click to see uncensored photo...you wish!

Adam (07.29) Rose Byrne has true breakout potential, but she can't seem to snag that winning role or that winning movie *cough Knowing cough*. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Rose, but hitching your wagon to Hugh Dancy won't get you much farther.

Brüno (07.10) Borat was so wrong and yet so hilarious, but as this trailer reminds us, "That was so 2006." Maybe if Sacha Baron Cohen had released this in 2007 or even 2008 I'd be more excited, but now it feels very been there, done that, girlfriend.

I Love You, Beth Cooper (07.10) This looks plain stupid, but it looks like my kind of stupid. I'm interested in seeing Panettiere in something non-Heroes even if she has to run around with that creepy thirty-year old dude draped on her arm. I'm talking about co-star Paul Rust, not her current boyfriend Steve Jones.

Moist With Antici...Pation!

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (07.15) It's about gorram time! I've logged many an hour in the theater watching the adventures of Harry & Co. so why would I stop now? Besides, it does look bloody exciting, doesn't it?

I'm curious to see how many grey hairs Ron has now.

(500) Days of Summer (07.17) This is not a love story. This is a story about love. I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I love Zooey Deschanel. I love that this looks delightful. If you have to see one movie starring JGL and Deschanel, why not make it this one?

Yum.

Funny People (07.31) ATTENTION STARGAZERS! THIS IS AN ACTUAL APATOW PROJECT, NOT JUST A FILM HE SIGNED THE CHECKS FOR! Even better, Adam Sandler stars alongside the usual suspects Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill and Leslie Mann. The screen's going to be filled with so much Jew-fire, its release date may be declared a holiday.

Public Enemies (07.01) How do you make a summer hit? Get actors who played two of the best movie characters of the last five years (read: Jack Sparrow and Batman) and cast them opposite one another in a Michael Mann film. Mann directing the delicious Depp and spank-bankable Bale; my pants are sticky just at the thought of it.


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I'm keeping my fingers crossed the indie theater here will get Blood: The Last Vampire this month, but considering we just got Away We Go this week I'll just go ahead and add it to my NFQ. How excited are you for July's releases?