Cheesy Times at Slaughter High

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brought to you by Stacie Ponder of FINAL GIRL.

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Slaughter High


Release: 11.14.86
DVD Release: 04.14.09
Rated R
1 hour, 30 minutes


A Netflix Night



Today is Marty Rantzen's (Simon Scuddamore) lucky day, or so he thinks. Carol Manning (Caroline Munro, The Spy Who Loved Me), the hottest chick in high school, has a waterslide between her thighs and she's looking for Marty to dive in head first... if you get my meaning. She lures him into the showers of the girls' locker room for the water sports to begin. But wait, Marty! Isn't today April Fool's Day? Had he remembered that, he would have realized Carol's clique snuck in with the school's audio-visual equipment to prank him, not to film their own version of Deep Throat. They film his flaccid noodle and give him kegstand swirlies until the coach breaks up the mischief.

As if his birthday couldn't get any worse, the ring leader, Skip (Carmine Inannaccone), tampers with Marty's science project, which explodes. Marty is trapped in a burning room, a bottle of acid explodes in his face, and he melts his hands to a scalding graduated cylinder. I thought having my twelfth birthday party at Putt-Putt rained out was crappy, but this was one seriously fucked birthday!

Ten years later, the eight pranksters are invited to their ten-year high school reunion. It's wild because they've barely aged a day since high school! The event's being hosted at the old school, which has been boarded up for years. They sit around until nightfall trying to figure out where the rest of their graduating class is. With a shrug and a laugh, they head inside to start the real fun.

Slaughter High reminds me why it was a good idea to skip my ten-year reunion. Less than an hour into the party, someone beer bongs some acid, spilling their guts by the snack table. Next thing you know, one of the old buddies finds a functioning bathtub in the abandoned school and guess what; more acid! It seems as if the strangely absent Marty may not be absent and may actually be carrying a grudge, though the group doesn't seem to understand why. After these two gruesome-looking deaths, the rest of the group are picked off like the bitches. The killer, a creep dressed in Marty's nerd duds and Skip's old jester mask, gets bored with symbolic acid mutilations and just starts hacking and electrocuting anyone that moves while the dwindling crew search for a way out of their sealed tomb.

As ridiculous as it sounds, multiply that by two. The logic these folks employ to survive is baffling - they are high school graduates, right? Still, as preposterous as the deaths are, the ending ties everything up in a way that actually justifies most (not all) of the insanity. Skip's death actually makes less sense in the plot's context, but I found it to be the most entertaining.

If you wonder why there was never a Slaughter High 2: Class Disemboweled or Slaughter High 3: School Spirits, there are probably lots of reasons. Simon Scuddamore died shortly after this film was released, making it hard to capture his wild-eyed face on camera. Over half of the remaining actors never worked again. The fact is, this is the type of cheesy horror fare that made scanning the walls of your locally owned video store/tanning salon fun. If you're like me, the playfully morbid VHS cover was enough to excite my teenage mind more so than the content within. Those were the days.

Counting Down the Zeroes: My Sweet Dick, It's Magic!

This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

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Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Release: 06.18.04
DVD Release: 12.07.04
Rated PG-13
1 hours, 32 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



The summer of 2004 was one of those fortuitous moments when the fantasy of the movies and my routine reality crossed paths. Having recently seen Dodgeball in theaters, my girlfriend and I were walking around quoting lines incessantly. One day, a flyer at our apartment announced a dodgeball game convening at the tennis courts. A resident with a handful of those hard rubber balls, inked with stylish Spongebob and Spider-Man artwork, beckoned us to join in the fun. This weekly stress relief evolved into joining our city league, and five years later, we still find ourselves enjoying this 'child's game.' Those who know dodgeball know it's not for the weak of heart...

Peter La Fleur (Vince Vaughn, Starsky & Hutch), owner of Average Joe's Gymnasium, has learned that his gym is near the brink of foreclosure; partly due to his laid-back business tactics, but mostly due to his rival, White Goodman (Ben Stiller, Zoolander). The narcissistic Goodman wants Joe's shutdown so he can add extra parking for the members of his corporate Adonis factory, Globo Gym. With little time, La Fleur and with his rag-tag band of employees and clients do the only thing possible to generate the needed cash: enter the American Dodgeball Association of America International Dodgeball Championship in Las Vegas. The Joes' quest and their pathetic dodgeball skills catch the attention of seven-time all-star dodgeball champion Patches O'Houlihan (Rip Torn, Men in Black) who offers his expertise to help defeat Goodman's Purple Cobras team, win the $50,000 and save their gym.

I hold writer-director Rawson Marshall Thurber in high regard mainly because he, like me, believes Ghostbusters to be the best comedy ever made. Prior to Dodgeball, Thurber directed the Terry Tate, Office Linebacker commercials for Reebok. After shopping his script around, Ben Stiller's Red Hour Films picked it up, and with Thurber attached to direct, the fun began. In the commentary, Thurber mentions an old adage that "90% of directing is casting." In this instance, I couldn't agree more.


To read the full post, head over to Film for the Soul...

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Invasion U.S.A.

The following post is part of Invasion of the B Movies's CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month.

*****

Invasion U.S.A.

Release: 09.27.85
DVD Release: 11.20.01
Rated R
1 hour, 47 minutes


Matinee



How could I not contribute a guest post for this iconic 80's action movie? During the height of the 80's, CHUCK NORRIS!!!! leapt onto the big screen with Invasion U.S.A. I call this iconic because it has five hallmarks of what makes 80's action so great. First, it's from Cannon Films, a true mark of 80's quality; producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus knew how to turn quick cash into a big bang. The story, penned by CHUCK NORRIS!!!! along with brother Aaron Norris and James Bruner, centers around Russian terrorist Rostov (Richard Lynch). The film creeps along at times and isn't always coherent, but it goes something like this:

Rostov ships in hundreds of highly-skilled international terrorists to Florida and sets them loose to terrorize Americans during the Christmas season. Before his crew can open up a can of terrorist whoop-ass, he needs to buy weapons from a shifty drug dealer. This brings us to the second mark of 80's quality: Mickey the drug dealer is portrayed by none other than Billy F'n Drago! Granted, Rostov goes all Dark Knight Joker on Mickey's bitch and promptly removes Drago from play, but his role is key to illustrate to audiences that Rostov is nobody's bitch.



Wetted your appetite for more CHUCK NORRIS!!!!?
For the full post head over to Invasion of the B Movies...

Counting Down the Zeroes: Run! Rabbit! Run!

This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

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House of 1000 Corpses

Release: 04.11.03
DVD Release: 08.12.03
Rated R
1 hours, 29 minutes


Matinee



I have to go on record as saying House of 1000 Corpses is perhaps one of the best and one of the worst horror films I have ever seen. Approximately three-fourths of it is edgy and phenomenal in its delivery; the remaining just utter filth and a waste of good celluloid. Then again, the horror genre has a wealth of depraved avenues one can traverse; I just prefer some concepts more than others.

The debut picture from musician turned writer-director Rob Zombie opens on All Hallow's Eve with four college kids traveling along the back roads of Texas (has a familiar ring to it, right?). Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig, Jackie Brown) runs the roadside Gasoline, Fried Chicken, and Horror Museum where the kids stop to stock up for the last leg of their voyage home. The museum tour chronicles notorious mass murderers, including the local legend, Dr. Satan, which sparks the kids’ need to drive out to the fabled killer's remote stomping grounds in the cold, rainy dead of night. One hitchhiker named Baby (Sheri Moon) and one flat tire later, the kids end up at the home of the Firefly family. After partaking in the Firefly Halloween celebration and getting the car repaired, their fun really begins.

To read the full post, head over to Film for the Soul...

Counting Down the Zeroes: They Can't All Be Winners!

This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

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Bad Santa

Release: 11.26.03
DVD Release: 6.22.04
Rated R (DVD: UR)
1 hours, 28 minutes
(UR: 1 hour, 38 Minutes)

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



Around this time of year, you will inevitably hear ads pitching Christmas in July sales. I bet you never thought you'd come upon a website promoting a Christmas movie in July! Specifically, a review of a live action interpretation of Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. If you're picturing Jim Carrey in green makeup and a matching fur suit, you're thinking of the wrong antagonist.

You should actually picture Willie Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton, Slingblade), an unshaven, unclean wretch who's just shy of alcohol poisoning. Every Christmas Willie portrays the appropriately titled Bad Santa at a random shopping mall while his partner Marcus (Tony Cox, Friday) dresses as Santa's elfin helper. They suffer through the prattled wishes of dullard children until Christmas Eve arrives. As mall patrons and employees are nestled all snug in their beds, the two rob the mall clean of its expensive goods and stacks of cash.

To read the full post, head over to Film for the Soul...

Counting Down the Zeroes: Secretary

This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

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Secretary

Release: 09.20.02
DVD Release: 04.01.03
Rated R
1 hours, 44 minutes

Full Price




I've never considered myself someone who enjoys romance films, yet here I am writing about yet another romantic flick for Counting Down the Zeroes. Traditional romances have always seemed so predictable: guy meets girl, they fall in love, some stupid misunderstanding occurs and splits them temporarily, but all ends happily ever after and we all leave the theater full of warm fuzzies. Big whoop. What makes Secretary so different?

Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko) is a young woman returning home from a mental hospital on the eve of her sister's wedding. By the reception, her dysfunctional family has Lee running back to her old bad habits. Lee copes with emotional pain by causing physical pain to herself. In an effort to achieve some normalcy, she takes a typing class and starts dating an old high school friend, Peter (Jeremy Davies, Saving Private Ryan). She even hits the job scene, becoming a secretary for a lawyer, Mr. E. Edward Grey (James Spader, Mannequin). While the job offers Lee escape from her family and its troubles, an infatuation with her boss grows into something far more profound.

To read the full post, complete with enticing photographs, head over to Film for the Soul...

Counting Down the Zeroes: Spectacular! Spectacular!

Moulin Rouge!

Release: 06.01.01
DVD Release: 09.10.02
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 7 minutes

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!





This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.


A recent advert for the DVD release of Slumdog Millionaire touts it as the best film of the decade. I couldn't help but laugh when I read this. Have people forgotten about Moulin Rouge!?

Slumdog Millionaire and Moulin Rouge! have similar roots; both projects' directors were inspired by Bollywood films. However, while Millionaire was the Academy darling this past year, winning eight of its ten nominations, Moulin Rouge! was widely snubbed, winning only Best Costume Design and Best Art Direction from its eight nominations. Baz Luhrmann (Romeo + Juliet) wasn't even nominated for Best Director! Could it be Rouge! is the inferior, less entertaining of the two?

I think not. The exclamation point in the title says it all; expect excitement. On the day I saw Moulin Rouge! in theaters, many audience members were not prepared. I know this because I watched at least four people leave before the Diamond Dogs began to can-can. When friends asked my opinion of Moulin Rouge!, I made it clear that it was awesome, but you had to give it at least fifteen minutes to adjust to the frantic pacing and wild cinematography.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, Moulin Rouge! is the tale of Christian (Ewan McGregor, Big Fish), a young British writer who moves to Paris at the turn of the nineteenth century to embrace the Bohemian lifestyle. Shortly after arriving, Christian meets the dwarf Toulouse-Lautrec (John Leguizamo, Spawn) who is developing a new play with his Bohemian friends for the Moulin Rouge's owner Harold Zidler (Jim Broadbent, Gangs of New York). Christian and his mad writing skills are quickly accepted into the group and he is presented to the Rouge's star, Satine (Nicole Kidman, To Die For), to secure her favor for their play. Only problem is Satine mistakes Christian for the Rouge's potential financier, the Duke (Richard Roxburgh, Van Helsing). Ultimately Satine must seduce the Duke, while keeping her burgeoning romance with Christian a secret.

Once Christian and Lautrec meet, there is barely a moment's pause in the singing. Beginning with music from the Sound of Music flowing to the popular cover of Lady Marmalade and culminating in my favorite scene, a medley of love songs atop an Elephant's head, it's nearly forty-five minutes before the film returns to a standard story format. In Moulin Rouge! you find popular songs from artists such as David Bowie, Madonna and Nirvana in mash-ups against seemingly contrary songs, sampled as part of a larger medley, or used in their entirety to particularly comic effect. You might think the result would be irritating, but it's quite captivating. The music of Moulin Rouge! grabbed me in such a way that I snatched up the soundtrack the first chance I got and still give it a listen every couple of months. Until researching this post, I never knew they released a Volume Two. Needless to say, I will cop that tout de suite.

The rousing music is barely even the half of it. Colors jump off the screen. Deep reds, cool blues, neon greens and pale whites are so crisp they crackle. When the doors to the Moulin Rouge first open, a swirling, dizzying flurry of vibrant costumes and leering faces assaults the eyes; Luhrmann uses the visual overstimulation to mimic Christian's perspective on his virgin voyage to the cabaret.

If the music and imagery don't excite you, gazing upon Ewan McGregor will topple your defenses. His boyish smile and adamant belief in the love that he and Satine share is irresistible. You can feel McGregor giving it his all in every scene. Kidman is equally impressive. In fact, from Broadbent's boisterous showmanship to Leguizamo's absinthe-tinged lisp and Roxburgh's nasally tantrums, all the actors deliver scene after hilarious scene. Like Luhrmann's visuals, they can turn on a dime to deliver the most heart-wrenching and dismal moments, changing the playful nature of Rouge! into a rueful affair.

Outstanding music and exhilarating visuals presented by some of the most talented actors--you couldn't ask for anything more. Bollywood films are designed to give audiences their money's worth and Luhrmann does exactly that with Moulin Rouge!.

Counting Down the Zeroes: A Beastly Feast for the Eyes

Brotherhood of the Wolf
Le Pacte des loups

Release: 10.11.01
DVD Release: 10.01.02
Rated R
2 hours, 32 minutes

Full Price




This post is part of COUNTING DOWN THE ZEROES, brought to you by IBETOLIS of FILM FOR THE SOUL.

It is said that the best tall tales germinate from a seed of truth. For Le Pacte des loups, a.k.a. Brotherhood of the Wolf, the truth began in the French countryside during the mid-eighteenth century. Over one hundred people were killed in attacks by beastly wolves. The legend of the Beast of Gévaudan is still shrouded in mystery to this day.

In Brotherhood, the mystery is revealed by the recollections of the Marquis d'Apcher as he pens his memoirs. He recalls the brutal killings and how the King dispatched Grégoire de Fronsac (Samuel Le Bihan), his taxidermist, to investigate the monster. Grégoire and his Iroquois companion, Mani (Mark Dacascos, Cradle 2 the Grave), quickly discover the beast is larger and more deadly than any normal wolf. As the search continues, Grégoire chases more than wolf tales, specifically the courtesan Sylvia (Monica Bellucci, Shoot 'Em Up) and the Count's daughter, Marianne de Morangias (Émilie Dequenne), which her creepy brother Jean-François (Vincent Cassel, Eastern Promises) is none too happy about. As repeated efforts by the local guard to hunt and kill the beast bear no fruit, Grégoire learns the beast's true nature is tied to a political coup.

Period pieces have never really been my cup of tea. How then would one propose to tell a story that is appealing to audiences not typically interested in stuffy clothing, fluffy wigs and verbose posturing? Start by brutally killing a busty damsel. If that doesn't hook them, toss in a savage from a faraway land; let's make him a Native American and, just for kicks, give him mad ninja skills. This savage and his civilized companion are the King's Green Berets compared to the Keystone Cops running around shooting at every shadow in the forest. Horror, action and comedy are covered, but if still unsatisfied, mix in a brothel of naked women and debauchery to lighten the mood even more. You do want to keep the story's tone dark, so it's best to add a pinch of conspiracy and intrigue, another reason to have us looking twice at every character.

Writer-director Christophe Gans (Silent Hill) and writer Stéphane Cabel manage to incorporate all of the above-and more- into Brotherhood. As outlandish as it sounds, they pull it off superbly. Beginning in bloodshed, Brotherhood quickly slips into a cadence, alternating between story exposition and spectacle about every ten minutes. Those spectacles range from bone crunching, hand-to-hand combat to the silky, heaving bosom of Monica Bellucci to peasants tossed about like chew toys by the Beast.

Through a combination of clever transitions and slow-motion, Gans makes Brotherhood a savory visual feast. The Beast, once revealed, is a bizarre and sinister creature that seems nigh unstoppable. Gans ensures audiences understand just how powerful the creature is through a complex battle with Grégoire, Mani and the Marquis (Jérémie Renier, In Bruges). Brotherhood's gruff sound effects drive home the weighty impact of the bullets and the jagged tearing of the blades in ever action sequence.

Gans takes similar care with the softer moments. Watching the camera glide over Bellucci's heart-shaped derriere as the scene subtly changes to the snow-covered hills of Gévaudan was one of my favorite moments, and not solely for a glimpse of bare Bellucci. Gans has a knack for crafting scenes that feel poetic even if the story isn't.

If you find the opportunity to watch it, I highly recommend doing so twice; once with subtitles and once dubbed. I normally prefer subtitles, but with so much action a second, dubbed viewing helps to appreciate the visual details. Being a film not in my native tongue, I hesitate to comment on the acting. Cassel steals every scene he's in, but from what I've seen of him, that is usually the case.

With all that happens in Brotherhood it's hard to imagine it feeling sluggish, but it does lag in parts. The slowness is a minor quibble about an otherwise exhilarating tale of legendary proportions. Thanks to Gans' flourishes, you forget that Brotherhood is little more than a monster movie.

CAGEFEST

*This post is on Dammit Jim! auto-pilot.*

The time is now!


CAGEFEST: The Nic Cage Film Festival, or what I like to refer to as CAGEFEST: Essays on the Fallacies, Follies and Follies of Nic Cage, has been ongoing for a while. I hope you have been following the Pro/Con debates intently.

The Reel Whore's contribution to the festival has been posted. I have taken the Con stance on Leaving Las Vegas for which Cage won his only Oscar win. Go now and enjoy the festivities.

The Spontaneous Eruption of Dance

Calling All Stargazers!

The Dance Movie Blogathon officially began Sunday, May 4th! It has been brought to you by Ferdy on Films, etc. I had been promoting it on my sidebar until the banner somehow disappeared. Here’s the promotional image that used to be on my sidebar:

But you’re not here to ogle a Jessica Alba image…that’s for a whole different kind of post. You’ve come in search of my dance movie entry into the blogathon.

I don’t pretend to know what makes a choreographed dance sequence in a film brilliant or breathtaking but I know what I like. One thing I go wild over is when a great comedy takes it one step further by adding a smidge of music/dance into the mix. I refer to these moments as the Spontaneous Eruption of Music & Dance. One of my all-time favorite examples of this is after the climactic ending to The 40-Year-Old Virgin when Andy looks into the camera and begins singing Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In, which leads into an impromptu celebration of dance of Dionysian proportions.

But this isn’t a recent advent; another great example is Caddyshack, which is bookended by the now famous gopher gyrating to the semi-soulful sounds of Kenny Loggins’ I’m Alright. Great moments, but that’s not the film I am here to discuss.

I have chosen to revisit a film that won the prestigious honor as Most Memorable Music/Dance Performance of 2007 from my Confessions of a Reel Whore feature. I present, for your consideration…

HOT ROD

Hot Rod stars Andy Samberg as Rod Kimble, a self-proclaimed stuntman. While his stunt antics are comical, they are also uneven, creating a less than spectacular film. No matter, though; stars Samberg, Bill Hader, Danny R. McBride, Jorma Taccone and, let me not forget, Chester Tam all provide a wealth of entertainment through dance. Here’s a quick rundown of all the great dance moments and why I love them so.

Andy Samberg: After a heated confrontation with his stepfather Frank, Rod storms from the house. Cut to a foggy patch of woods where Rod rolls in on his moped, fuming. He’s drinking and smoking but those vices aren’t enough to quell his anger. The only release for his aggression and frustration is by acrobatically punch-dancing to the groovy synthetic tunes of Never by the Moving Pictures. Though the solitary performance ends in an abrupt finale, rhythmically speaking, it’s great fun from start to finish.

Jorma Taccone, Bill Hader and Danny R. McBride: As Rod’s respective stunt crew, the trio is called upon to save Rod at any moment of danger. The most strategic rescue occurs when the film diverges into an attempt to force a clichéd romantic subplot between Rod and Denise (Isla Fisher). Seeing the scene falling into drudgery, the director has the fellas crack open their van’s side door and bust a move to the 80’s pop vibrations of Two of Hearts by Stacey Q. For first-time viewers, be sure to watch over Rod’s shoulder as the awkward dialogue is subverted to the spectacle of Hader and McBride.

Chester Tam: Andy Samberg may be the main character, but Chester Tam’s stint as Richardson is a show stopper. His character has only a few lines, but he’s not there for speaking, he’s there for gyrating! In a brief sequence by the community pool, a sopping wet Richardson thrusts away, fittingly, to DJ Rumpleskillzkid’s Thrust Away.

The director, knowing a good thing when he sees one, keeps Tam hidden until the third act. It is there Tam and his gyrating pelvis are unleashed upon unsuspecting audiences in a montage heightened by the dance mix The Real Bass by Brooklyn Bounce. Tam distributes flyers for Rod’s upcoming stunt by tossing them into the air in a sort of mock ticker-tape explosion, which he follows with the most insanely random yet mesmerizing marriage of comedy and dance in the entire film.

I hereby declare Hot Rod a masterpiece of impromptu dance as a source of comedy. You may say that it’s been done before, and in the years to come even more clever examples may surface, but Hot Rod has made an indelible mark in the annals of Spontaneous Eruptions of Dance.