A Quickie: Lakeview Terrace

Lakeview Terrace

Release: 09.19.08
DVD Release: 01.27.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 50 minutes


Second Run Seats

It took me a while longer than anticipated, but here is my review of Lakeview Terrace, which was selected by you stargazers during my January poll. I decided to skip the traditional review and opt instead for an abbreviated script which captures the film's essence. Enjoy.

SCENE - Abel Spies the New Neighbors.

Abel Turner (Samuel L. Jackson, Freedomland), peers into his neighbor's yard. A sexy, petite chocolate drop (Kerry Washington, She Hate Me) is draped in the arms of an older Suga Daddy. A young, strapping white dude (Patrick Wilson, Little Children) carries boxes into the house.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Brother Is Moving On Up!

As Suga Daddy inspects the pool, the 'mover' sneaks a Hershey's kiss from the sweet thing.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Sister Is Slumming It!

SCENE - Abel and the Mattsons Meet

Chris: Hi, I'm the eco-conscious but shallow husband character, Chris. This is my equally hollow character of a wife, Lisa.

Abel: I Thought You Were The Great White Hype, Doing All That Heavy Lifting!

Chris: I do swing some solid pipe, if ya know what I'm saying!

Abel: It's 'You' Not 'Ya.' Speak English!

Chris: What?

Abel: They Speak English In What?!

Lisa: (interrupting) Hello guys. Don't pay me any mind. I'll have less screentime here than in Common's I Want You music video.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Bond.

Chris: Um, Abel, me and the wifey can't get our groove on with your security lights blaring in our window.

Abel: I'm Sorry! Do They Break Your Concentration?!

Chris: Have I done something to upset you? Why are you yelling?

Abel: I Can't Stop Yelling Because That's The Way I Talk!

Chris: Never mind. (walks away.)

Abel: Later, Vanilla Ice!

SCENE - Chris and Lisa Talk.

Chris: Abel doesn't like me. I think he's mad I'm swimming in your chocolate waterfall.

Lisa: My poor boo. Come here, part the seas and give me a baby.

Chris: Not now, honey. I want to install these lights to piss off Abel.

Lisa: How about we turn on the blue light and go half on a baby?

Chris: In a minute. I need to plant hedges to keep Abel out of our business.

Lisa: How about you plant your seed in me? I want a baby!

Chris: I'm stressed. I need to smoke a cigarette and have a drink.

Lisa: But baby? Baby baby, baby baby baby baby.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Share Drinks.

Abel: Hey! White Devil! How The Hell Are You?!

Chris: (rolling eyes) Leave me alone, Abel.

Abel: My Friends Call Me Mr. Glass!

Chris: What?

Abel: I'm Just Rustling Your Cage, Cracker! Have A Drink On Me!

Chris: You are one crazy bastard.

Abel: Correctamundo! I'm A Mushroom-Cloud Laying Mother-------! I Have Had It With Your Mother------- Snake in Her Mother------- Pants!

SCENE - The Mattsons-Abel Confrontation.

Chris: Run, Lisa! He's trying to kill us!

Lisa: Huh? What? Am I still in this movie? Why?

Abel: Yes, You're Still In It! You Deserve To Die and I Hope You Burn In Hell!

Chris: Yo Lisa, check it, I got this!

(Lisa runs.)

Abel: I'm Going To Crumble You Like Zestas in Tomato Soup!

Chris: Not if I put a bullet through your skull, you looney eight ball!

Abel: I'm Going To Be On You Like White On Rice!

Chris: Now you're not even making sense.

Abel: They Ate Me. A Freaking Shark Ate Me!

(Patrick Wilson throws hands in the air and walks off set.)

THE END

Oh Mickey, You So Fine!

Fellow blogger, Monique Elisabeth of Movie Reviews by FAQs, put me on to this awesome clip of Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech at the Spirit Awards. He is the man!

In case you were wondering, this clip is not safe for work.

I totally agree with his Eric Roberts comments.

Also, WTF is up with Philip Seymour Hoffman rocking the 'boggan both here and at the Oscars?!

People I Want to Punch in the Face, Vol. 4

This one's been a long time coming, folks! Her unneeded and unwanted appearance on the 81st Academy Awards placed her squarely in my sights. She must figure if she keeps showing up at the ceremonies they'll just give her a damn Oscar to stay away. She sure as hell won't earn one with her "acting talent."

She's the entertainment equivalent of Hurricane Katrina, and I'm living below the levees struggling to breathe. After finally burying that atrocity B'Day, she's now shoveling her latest crap album, I Am...Sasha Fierce, down our throats. The newest atrocity on the airwaves, Diva, reminds us that her ego is dwarfed only by her weave.

The plan was to save this for when her latest film, Obsessed, flops at the box office, but the combination of the new song, the Academy appearance and the inclusion of her Single Ladies song on Fringe has driven me to madness!

My brother-in-law may disown me but someone has to lay the smack down!

MMM: A Case of the Mondays

The Oscars ran late last night; shock! This means I went to bed late and woke up tired, sluggish and not excited about heading into another week of work. Though, I am never bouncing off the walls with glee to head into work, so I shouldn't blame the Oscars. It's simply safe to say I am suffering from a case of the Mondays.

To rev me up a bit this morning, I needed some rocking guitar to get the blood pumping. I figure, who is more awesome than Jimi Hendrix? My next dilemma was to choose from all those great hits; would it be Purple Haze or All Along the Watchtower or Foxy Lady? Decisions, decisions. Ultimately, I went with a song that became an favorite of mine the instant I heard it years ago. It also fits surprisingly well for the condition my condition is in.

I couldn't find a great video for this, but the montage of photos works. As long as I can feel the notes reverberating in my brain, I am satisfied. Today's mood music selection is:

Jimi Hendrix - Manic Depression

Enough goofin' off already, get back to work!

The Big 'O': Oscar Gang Bang

For us film fans, tomorrow is the big event. The 81st Annual Academy Awards will air, honoring some of the best films from 2008. I hit some speed bumps this year when it came to viewing all the nominees, but I managed to review these films in the running:

The Dark Knight, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Iron Man, Kung Fu Panda, Tropic Thunder, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wall-E, and Wanted.

These last few weeks I've been doing my best to to catch up on the other big nominees. While I've done a decent job of seeing these films, I've done a piss-poor job of reviewing them. In an effort to clean my review house, it's time that I show you my O-face. Because there are so many to review, I may forgo discussing in detail the various performance and technical merits. Given the vast number of nominations and awards already received by these films, I don't think you'll mind. Reviews are listed in alphabetical order.


Changeling

Release: 10.24.08
DVD Release: 02.17.09
2 hours, 21 minutes
Rated R

Full Price

In the 1920's, LA resident Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart) comes home from work to find that her son Walter is missing. She quickly contacts the LAPD who, in due course, begin searching for her lost boy. Ecstatic to learn they have found Walter, Christine is shocked to find herself being bullied into accepting a strange child in a ploy by the LAPD to generate positive publicity.

I'm a sucker for any film directed by Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino). There is an unmistakable amount of care and attention taken with all his projects and this is no exception. Jolie's performance spans the gamut of emotions without missing a beat. I'd appreciate it if she would gain about 10-15 pounds, but that's neither here nor there. Changeling hides some unexpected twists, twists that are very disturbing given the truth in which this story is based. What keeps Changeling from perfection is it stumbles in juggling multiple storylines over a long period of time. It may be true to the events, but the devil's in the details.


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Release: 12.25.08
2 hours, 46 minutes
Rated PG-13

Full Price


Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt, Ocean's Eleven) is indeed a curious case. He's born with ailments of the geriatric but grows stronger, healthier and younger. As this unique man's journey crosses paths with people traveling in opposite directions, Benjamin learns to enjoy the moments where their time intertwines.

Speaking of time, The Curious Case is one long mo'fo' movie! Surprisingly, the beautiful spectacle of his life, and the need to know his life story, provides compelling reasons to sit through the film. The lovers-in-the-night romance between Ben and Daisy (Cate Blanchett, Babel) serves as the foundation for the extraordinary tale. Great performances and crisp visuals aside, I find it curious how quickly this film has faded from my memory and more curious that I don't care to see it again.


Doubt

Release: 12.12.08
1 hour, 44 minutes
Rated PG-13

Full Price


Sister Aloysius Beauvier (Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada), head nun and school principal, suspects Father Flynn (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Magnolia) of unscrupulous behavior with a black student. The implications of this in the recently integrated school along with the changing cultural climate of the Catholic church in the 1960's cause the Sister and Father to lock horns. Meanwhile, innocent Sister James (Amy Adams, Junebug) struggles to find the truth of the matter.

Adapted from a play, Doubt is driven by the high caliber of its performances and writing. It's easy to see why Streep, Hoffman, Adams and Viola Davis (Syriana) are all nominated as is John Patrick Shanley (Congo) for the adaptation. Though it is a talkie, the well-crafted exchanges and the unfolding mystery keep you on the edge of your seat. Pardon the pun, but there is no doubt that this is a film not to be missed.


In Bruges

Release: 02.08.08
DVD Release: 06.24.08
1 hour, 47 minutes
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Ray (Colin Farrell, Phone Booth) and Ken (Brendan Gleeson, Troy) are two assassins fresh off a hit who are instructed by their boss, Harry Waters (Ralph Fiennes, Red Dragon), to lay low in the small Belgian town of Bruges. While Ken finds the quaint town fascinating, Ray thinks Bruges is a shithole and their continued disagreement only escalates when Harry calls with their newest assignment.

In Bruges is a delight. It's full of profanity with a smattering of sex and drug use and some serious bloodshed. Writer-director Martin McDonagh even manages to toss in a surly dwarf without it seeming totally gratuitous. Farrell is hilarious and uncouth yet totally sympathetic. Gleeson was robbed by not being nominated. In Bruges is an unrefined gem that you simply have to watch to be entranced by its many facets.



Man on Wire

Release: 07.25.08
DVD Release: 12.09.08
1 hour, 34 minutes
Rated PG-13

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Man on Wire sits down to interview tightrope walker Philippe Petit, his friends and companions about the events that lead them to sneak into the World Trade Center, attach a tightrope and defy nature while astounding the world.

It's hard to believe that a man could have ever walked between the now non-existent Twin Towers on a thin length of cable. Not only must you see it to believe it, but you need also to look into the eyes of the man who resolved to accomplish it. Man on Wire retraces the birth of the seemingly impossible task and the earth-shattering impact it has on those involved.


Revolutionary Road

Release: 12.26.08
1 hour, 59 minutes
Rated R

Full Price


The story of Frank and April Wheeler (Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond and Kate Winslet, Little Children) occurs in a nice two-story home that rests on a hill on Revolutionary Road. Their friends all agree the Wheelers are such a great couple, but behind the facade are two horribly unhappy people trapped in the nightmare of conventional suburbia. The two bicker, fight and resolve to escape the fears that confront them at every turn.

Academy-nominated Michael Shannon (Bug) in a brief role is not the only memorable character in a film shunned for most acting accolades. The fiery combination of Kate and Leo works as they both love and hate one another. The main deterrent for many moviegoers may be the excessive arguing. If you can stomach their dysfunction, you'll find the Wheelers' extreme situation surprisingly relatable.


Slumdog Millionaire

Release: 11.12.08
2 hours
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


A young Mumbai man, Jamal Malik (Dev Patel), finds himself one question away from winning the grand prize on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Convinced the uneducated slumdog is cheating, he is hauled into jail to be questioned by the Police Inspector (Irrfan Khan, The Namesake). As they retrace every question, Jamal recalls the tragic events in his life that have led him to this amazing crossroads.

The clever storytelling, pulsing score and amazing scenery had my attention rapt from the start. Some will argue that it's a bit too fantastical to be taken seriously. All year long I watch ridiculous films with clichés of love and loss but the masses expect me to swallow that garbage. (I'm looking at you, Wild Hogs!) Slumdog depicts one man's resolve to rise above his station despite all the odds that are stacked against him. It may be a cliche, but it is something to behold.


The Wrestler

Release: 12.17.08
1 hour, 55 minutes
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke, Sin City) is a professional wrestler from the days when 8-bit Nintendo was all the rage. Now, he wrestles weekends on the smaller ROH circuit. When he's forced to retire, Randy attempts to settle into a new life by making amends with his estranged daughter, Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood, Thirteen), and creating a relationship with a local stripper, Cassidy (Marisa Tomei, My Cousin Vinny).

If you haven't heard by now, Mickey Rourke is awesome. For that matter, Marisa Tomei is awesome. Marisa Tomei's polework is pretty awesome, too. I was smitten with The Wrestler since the first trailer I ever saw and I promise it will not disappoint. Director Darren Aronofsky (Pi) crafts a tale so real and raw you can practically see the dirt under the nails, feel the cold New Jersey winds and smell the blood and sweat of every match. Powerful and phenomenal don't even begin to adequately describe this.

No Photoshopping - Cross My Heart!

I was browsing Rotten Tomatoes when I came across this image of Mel Gibson at the 59th Annual ACE Eddie Awards:

What's worse?

That poor, poor Mel Gibson, while posing, just happened to cover up all but the edges of the ACE logo creating a rather dapper pair of horns for himself.

OR

That Mel, knowing his poor, poor reputation of late is knowingly sporting a twisty mustache and goatee that put both Al Swearengen and Dick Dastardly to shame!


*shaking my head in disbelief*

Jason Voorhees: Version 2.009

Friday the 13th


Release: 02.13.09
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes


Matinee



The date: June 13, 1980. It's Friday. It's dark and raining. A grief-stricken Pamela Voorhees (Nana Visitor, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) goes all wack-a-doo, murdering the counselors of Camp Crystal Lake for letting her son Jason drown. As a young counselor enacts her revenge on Pamela, the allegedly dead Jason witnesses his mother's death. Fast forward to the present where an adult Jason (Derek Mears, Cursed) guards his Crystal Lake stomping grounds from carefree trespassers.

This reimagining wraps Friday the 13th Parts I, II and III all into one neat little package. Granted, Part I is summed up in about two minutes and what could pass for Part II is covered in the next twenty or so minutes. Maybe condensing the trilogy in this manner wasn't the intention of director Marcus Nispel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), but that's how it felt to this Friday fan.

However, the more densely packed story works well. Subtle inclusions such as young Jason's dusty shelf of archery trophies explains to viewers that the maniac has skills. Mentions of stolen kerosene prove Jason to be resourceful. Even ominous ramblings of townspeople explain Jason's territorial nature.

I was a little disappointed by the hollow-eyed Kewpie doll inhabiting Jason's childhood digs. This was reminiscent of the backwater The Texas Chainsaw Massacre home and not the toy of a boy from the late seventies. Honestly, with his love of archery where are his Bo and Luke Duke dolls!? Could he at least have had some Matchbox cars or a Colonel Steve Austin action figure?

As for the young adult victims, some are prattling, annoying douchebags so nothing's really changed over the past thirty years. But other characters such as Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki, House of Wax), Jenna (Danielle Panabaker, Mr. Brooks) and Trent (Travis Van Winkle, Accepted) are adequately developed, giving audiences an emotional connection to Jason's would-be victims. Not to spoil anything, but seeing one particular character scream like a little bitch is worth a full price admission alone!

Dirty Undies
Revisions to the Voorhees mythology and improvement of victim development aside, it really comes down to the slaughter. Jason is more sadistic than ever. Though his first killings occur offscreen, they quickly escalate to brutally graphic killings that gore lovers can relish. I'd have to count, but I wager there are as many F-bombs as in The Big Lebowski. This newest installment also returns to form by adding more nudity than were in most of the later sequels. Good Googly Moogly! The underwritten Bree (Julianna Guill) is most memorable, thanks to her extended sex scene.

The Money Shot
Friday the 13th is not without its problems. The desire to satisfy hardcore Friday fans' expectations totally ruined the ending for this fan. Also dedicating a few more minutes to the Voorhees history would have only improved the tale. Still, this is far and away one of the best in the series. I could nitpick, but the bottom line is that Jason is back, stacked and ready to hack!