Save the Slut, Save the World.

Transporter 3

Release: 11.26.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes

Matinee ($$$)


The Transporter, Frank Martin (Jason Statham, Death Race), is semi-retired, choosing to be more selective of his jobs. When his replacement 'stops by' his home and 'gives up' the gig, Frank awakes to find himself employed against his will. Fitted with an explosive bracelet that tethers him to his car, his only choice is to follow orders and deliver the package, Valentina (Natalya Rudakova), whenever and where ever Mr. Johnson (Robert Knepper, Hitman) instructs.

Though the director changes (it's now Oliver Megaton) the story stays virtually the same thanks to the writing of creators Robert Mark Kamen and Luc Besson. Like before, a simple job agreed upon under Frank's simple rules doesn't quite go to plan. As one character quips, "With you (Frank), it's always complicated." Transporter 3's stunts are especially complicated and barely plausible. The grandeur of the road chase on two-wheels and the BIG thug fight is instantly familiar as old Bond ploys. The train battle isn't nearly as ludicrous as Steven Seagal, a la Under Siege 2, with his speed-walk escape from the cascading explosion, but it's pretty close.

Even so, my biggest issue is with the premise that Frank's bracelet goes boom if he is farther than 75 feet from his car. I'm thinking that was a metric-to-standard conversion mistake. The intent had to be 75 meters. Otherwise, Frank and his package's arses would have painted the streets red ten times over. But that's the great thing about this series and over-the-top action in general; if you leave your brain at the door and just let the adrenaline rush consume you, it's great.

Dirty Undies
Statham's badass performance as Frank keeps you hyped. As a bonus he somehow manages to go shirtless not once or twice but four times! One of these tattered shirt, rippling muscle moments occurs during an intense fight sequence with Valentina watching. As Frank busts heads, Valentina's cute freckled expression transforms beyond bedroom eyes into fuck-me-raw-on-the-hood-of-your-sweet-ride eyes. At that moment I understood why Rudakova was chosen as Transporter 3's hottie. The action, while unbelievable at times, was still packed with excellently sequenced chases and fights with a smattering of explosions for good measure.

The Money Shot
Since producers are determined to turn Bond into a serious-natured commodity, action fans must turn to films like Transporter 3 to get that quick fix. As the holidays approach and theater screens become inundated with the emotionally heavy, award-hopeful fare, Transporter 3 is that serving of comfort food that helps leave those worries at the door.