Thursday, April 23, 2009

Shock! Watch the Monkey Get Hurt

Crank: High Voltage

Release: 04.17.09
Rated R
1 hour, 36 minutes

Full Price

In 2006, audiences watched as Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) plummeted out of a helicopter thousands of feet above the ground. This poisoned bloke who had run amok on hours of borrowed time bounced off a car like a basketball, coming to an abrupt stop on the pavement. The insane adventures of Chelios had ended...and then he fucking blinked! Picking up from that moment, High Voltage scrapes the battered Chev off the streets because the Chinese mafia want to harvest his superman heart and other vital organs. With a plastic pump pinch-hitting for his strawberry tart (a.k.a. heart), Chelios revs up the mayhem in order to hunt down his stolen ticker before the battery dies and he along with it.

If you saw Crank and thought it was off the fucking chain, then there's no acceptable excuse for not seeing High Voltage yet. Maybe, just maybe, if you've had your heart stolen by crazed mobsters, Chelios might give you a pass. Otherwise, he could give a fuck less about your excuses, you wanker.

riter-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor not only bring back Chev Chelios for another tumble, but they also bring back the rest of the original cast, even some of the dead ones. Efran Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite) returns, though now he portrays Venus, the twin out to avenge his brother Kaylo's death. High Voltage also introduces some new blood; there's Ria (Ling Bai, The Crow) who's Chinese-accented Engrish requires subtitles, and El Huron (Clifton Collins, Jr., Capote), who's straight out of a Robert Rodriguez wet dream. I almost forgot; High Voltage is also a must-see for anyone waiting for Ginger Spice to make her triumphant return to film.

Neveldine and Taylor really crank up the insanity in High Voltage (pun intended). Crank was an adrenaline-infused rush of madness that didn't always make the most logical sense. Where the first film was dialed up to eleven, the sequel has the dial damn near splintering as it bears down on fifteen! They maintain the same intensity and urgency using their same corn syrup and cocaine-influenced style. Even with the logical half of my brain shut down, High Voltage had my monkey brain screaming bullshit from time to time.

Dirty Undies
I've dreamed of doing steamy, nasty things to Amy Smart, allowing she'd give me the opportunity. Neveldine and Taylor are mind-readers cuz Chelios gets through at least a third of my naughty list. In a nightmarish twist, they have her dating a mulleted Corey Haim (Lost Boys)...shudder. If for some strange reason watching Amy Smart gyrate wearing only electrical tape and hot pink hot pants doesn't do it for you, High Voltage has more random tits and ass than a Girls Gone Wild DVD. They even toss in a gaggle of porn stars, Ron Jeremy included, just because they can. I swear there is a time when the directors flash up a pair of breasts just to segue from a bloody shootout to a brutal beatdown. Speaking of, for a man laid up three months in the hospital, Chelios fucks up some people's shit! Running, shooting, fighting and fucking, all with a battery-powered plastic heart; I'd hate to see Chelios operating at full power.

The Money Shot
Crank is that rare breed of gratuitous, absurd excess that works. With High Voltage, the crew hoped to once again capture lightning in a bottle. We all know lightning never strikes twice in the same place, but they left behind a second patch of scorched earth within the same block of the asylum.

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. I friggin love this movie! It is way more crazier than the first, which is a major achievement. And you just know there's gonna be a third one.

  2. Yeah, I didn't think they could out-crazy the first film, but damned if they didn't! I can only imagine what kind of 1 hr affliction they'll inflict on Chev in C3...I'm thinking salves or painkillers?

    BTW, I still need to do your 6 things meme. Hopefully, I'll get it done this weekend.

  3. I thought the first Crank sucked!

    I will wait to see this for free somewhere.

  4. If you thought the first one sucked, I wouldn't recommend the sequel, even if it were free. Not sure how you could possibly enjoy it.

    Then again, maybe the first one wasn't insanely mind-numbing enough for you. In that case, enjoy HV!

  5. I enjoyed the first one, but was happy skipping this second one, until I read your review. Then I saw it, and now I'm in love.

  6. Sweet. Glad to know I didn't steer you wrong. What did it for you most; half-naked Amy Smart, Venus's FBT, the Godzilla battle or all of the above?

  7. And what lengths will they have to go to if they hope to crank up the insanity that much more for Crank 3? There may be no Crank 4 simply because Statham may not survive the making of a Crank 3.

  8. I'd suggest Statham acquire a hefty insurance policy if he signs on to Crank 3.

    Maybe C3 will be the end of Chelios's reign. For C4 he could be replaced by Ling Bai's Ria. She could pull of the required level of insanity.

  9. Not mind-numbing enough for me? The film was idiotic.