Trailer Trash: The July Gang Bang

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed June's releases. That may have had something to do with only seeing two of the eleven releases last month. Was it a fluke or a sign of great things to come? Only July will tell.

This month brings ten major releases (according to IMDB). I'm definitely far more excited by these prospects than the past couple of months, but there is still some shady-looking fare out there trying to pass itself off as entertainment. Let's take a look.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (07.30) Fuck me, Hollywood? No. Fuck you!

Despicable Me (07.09) I wasn't sure when this was billed as an evil genius out to take over the world. I still wavered when it was two masterminds competing for the world. I'm dumbfounded to see the villain will also be raising some orphans. Complicated much? I expect audiences will react like this:

Charlie St. Cloud (07.30) This looks to be an extremely emotional tale with its success teetering on Zac Efron's hunky shoulders. The story appears painfully dull and predictable. When forced to decide between playing with your brother's ghost in the woods or getting some snatch on a boat, it's all hands on deck.

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Ramona and Beezus (07.23) Ramona is an imaginative tyke and this appears to capture her creative spirit without making it annoying or stupid. John Corbett and Josh Duhamel will be extra hot as they show their softer, child-rearing side. Pervs can be happy Selena Gomez will be 18 when this opens, so drooling over her won't seem so skeevy.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice (07.14) Jay Baruchel is determined to be the next Hollywood go-to-guy by perfecting the Orlando Bloom-Pirates formula. While it's smart to hitch your star to Disney, his success hinges on the Curse of Cage's Long Hair! Will Cage's mop be long and greasy enough to reach Con-Air greatness, or will it choke the movie in Next and Bangkok Dangerous absurdity?


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Salt (07.23) Based on the results of my summer movie poll, there is some serious Anti-Lina sentiment in the air. I don't know; I'm digging the thrilling pace and ass-kicking of Salt. It's like Jason Bourne with boobs. I can't hate on Angie; who knows when I'll be sent back in time to the set of Hackers to play out my Acid Burn fantasy.

The Last Airbender (07.01) I'm a fan of Avatar: The Last Air Bender. I'm giddy to see Aang master Water, Earth, Fire and Air on the big screen even if the action-heavy promos lack the goofy innocence that makes the series great. The big gamble is trusting Shyamalan-a-dingdong's storytelling after he bro raped me with the Crappening.

Dinner for Schmucks (07.30) After hearing this premise, I half-expected this would get bumped to early 2011 release. Now that I've seen the supremely silly trailers, I think this will be the must-see summer comedy. Rudd and Carell look to have great chemistry and who wouldn't want to see Zach G sporting a dickie?

Predators (07.09) How am I supposed to believe a rag tag bunch of thugs, led by Adrien Brody, will survive a battalion of Predators when Arnie & his team of brick shithouses barely made it? Hard to swallow, but I'll still go hoping for two things:

1) To see Danny "Fuckin" Trejo rip the head off one of these bitches.
2) To watch a Predator peel Brody like a banana.

On equal footing? Seriously?

Inception (07.16) Trailer after trailer and I'm still not exactly certain I understand the premise. That's okay. I actually prefer going into a movie blind rather than being spoon-fed the highlights. Nolan's a trusted source for entertainment and just look how cool this poster is:


It didn't hurt it also stars Marion Cotillard. The lady would melt you like hot butter on breakfast toast.


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If you were looking for my The Twilight Saga: Eclipse rundown, that was technically a June release. Here's to a great Fourth of July weekend and, fingers crossed, an enjoyable month at the movies!

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