Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Trailer Trash: The June Gang Bang

Looks like we've made it to the thick of the summer. June has only eight major releases. I asked you, my readers, which of these eight films you were most anticipating. Third place was a four-way tie between Zohan, Kung Fu Panda, Get Smart and Wanted, each with a single vote. Coming in second with a whopping two votes was The Happening. No one seemed to think Indy 4 was worth all their summer attention, and the discordant blogging waves that have erupted since its release speak volumes. But which film was the most anticipated film of June? Incredible Hulk? Ha! Not hardly. Looks like the bulk of you (five to be exact) are saving your pennies to see the Dark Knight at the IMAX in July. That really speaks volumes about the June offerings.

But you know my ass can't be away from a theater seat for more than a few days, so get comfortable as I take in all the good, bad and really, really ugly of June.

Exercise the right to Cinematic Celibacy.
The Love Guru (06.20) Might as well start off with the most hideous first. I don't even know what to say about this. Mike Myers is truly drunk off his own wealth. Yeah, that's got to be the explanation. This doesn't look funny, just tired; oh, so very tired. I fear it will have the brainwashing effect Wild Hogs had on the masses. It's as if Myers thinks he's the second coming or something. Hmm...

WALL-E (06.27) I'm going to say what we're all thinking: WALL-E is the bizarre byproduct of human-robot reproduction. I always knew Johnny 5 had it in him to bed Stephanie given the proper attachment. So, Wall-E is like a Short Circuit Babies who works on a junk planet because society frowns on robo-human offspring. Then one day J5 Jr. falls for some sort of pocket fan who comes visiting. Yeah, that's about the size of it. Why would we not be interested in seeing this?

It's Friday, I don't want to be Alone.
Kung Fu Panda (06.06) I was stoked about this when I first saw the trailer. My wife, not so much. Maybe it reminded me too much of my younger days watching Ranma 1/2. After a while my wife's viewpoint, or maybe the repetition of Jack Black's prattle in the next thousand viewings of the trailer wore my anticipation down to a take it or leave it feeling.

The Incredible Hulk (06.13) The newest trailer released this week is what they should have been showing since Day One! It has Norton imitating the TV show's classic introduction before just barely showing the Big Green Machine at the end. Instead, we've been treated to the mega-lame onslaught of CG crapfest for the past several months. I've beat this horse to death in an earlier post, and my opinion hasn't changed. Let's get this over with already.

Wanted (06.27) *Exasperated Sigh* This film looks like a wet dream for action fans like myself. Tons of spectacular chases, shoot-outs and fights. Plus, it's got Morgan Freeman looking all Street Smart pimp! But I read the comic, and 1) I can't get over how much Angelina Jolie does not look like a smoking hot, kick-ass black woman; 2) the League of Assassins plot appears to omit Shithead and his fellow villains; and 3) the finale of the comic still gets my goat.

Moist with Antici...pation!
You Don't Mess With The Zohan (06.06) I've been excited about this since trailer #1. No one does side-splitting stupid like Sandler. This means we'll have to suffer through Rob Schneider in some inane supporting role but Nick Swardson will offset his lameness. Still not convinced? Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow helped Sandler write it, and it's directed by Happy Gilmore helmer Dennis Dugan. It's as if the stars are aligning on June 6!

The Happening (06.13) I admit this was a solid middle of the road for me despite Wahlberg and Deschanel starring. I think I still feel betrayed by M. Night for The Village; maybe you feel the same way. All that changed tonight when I saw the red-band trailer. For sheer shock and grotesqueness this will be awesome. Shyamalan, you may have won me back.

Get Smart (06.20) This is my Summer of LAMB prediction for sleeper hit. Steve Carell has the perfect timing and delivery to portray Maxwell Smart. I was a fan of the show as a kid, and even though I shattered my inflated perception of the show's greatness recently, that will have no impact on my hopes for Get Smart.

Whew, with only eight films, you don't think it'd take that much outta me! Disagree with any of my expectations? I'll sick the Guru on you!

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Haha!... I love the Johnny 5 and Alley Sheedy baby that is Wall-E. Hilarious.

    Gotta say... I'm pretty excited about Zohan, The Happening, Hulk, Wanted, and Get Smart. I'm thinking the odds are good for at least a .400 batting average with that lot.

    I'll see Guru, but probably on a back end sneak-in from one of the above.

  2. Yeah, I hadn't realized how much Wall-E resembled Johnny 5. Boo Disney for ripping off one of the greatest Guttenberg-starring talking robot movies ever.

    June is full of blah for me. The only one I'm really interested in seeing is The Happening, and I have tepid expectations on that, even, after Lady in the Water fell oh-so flat.

    It's gonna be a sad month at the multiplex.

  3. @fox: Wow, you have some high expectations for that group. I worry either Hulk or Wanted will somehow ruin your 0.400. Let's hope not.

    Yeah, I'm keeping fingers crossed for a free sneak peek of Guru, though I haven't slipped into a show in ages - tempting.

    @Fletch: Exactly how I feel about Short Circuit!

    Maybe an R-rated production is what M. Night needs to return to form.

    With your expectations so low for June, at least one film has got to pleasantly surprise you. How's that for a silver lining?

  4. Why you pickin' on Mike Myers so badly. I mean, it does look somewhat ridiculous, ok, very ridiculous, but the parts with Verne Troyer look pretty damn funny. Especially when Mike holds him up like an Oscar and begins his acceptance speech. You gotta love that!

  5. @lee: midget play is always a laugh-grabber, but will it be the savior of the film???

    Sad to say but the hotness of Meagan Good will probably lure me into the Guru before too long.

  6. M. Night return to form?! Besides Lady in the Water, which I liked but admit isn't his finest, M. Night's movies have all been great. Unbreakable is one of my favorite movies of all time and the Village is way underrated.

    I'm actually worried about The Happening, I'll go opening night, don't get me wrong, but the trailers make it look like any other horror movie being made today rather than the usual unique and fresh approach M. Night takes to telling a story.

    Sorry about ripping your favorite tv show, Psych. I know the episode I saw wasn't the pilot so I can't figure out why you'd like it, but hey, to each their own.

  7. I hold M. Night's Unbreabkable in the highest regard but I'm a Village hater. Lady in the Water I enjoyed a lot more than Village, except for inserting himself as savior. I'm excited about the horror aspect to Happening, but wonder if he'll get too caught up in the gore to tell a great story.

    To each their own. I just never thought of Psych as a love it/hate it type show, though now I can see that. It's full of goofy, quirky xters and random references that can be too much.