Flawless Victory: Sirens of the LAMBs

A quick post to let you know my femme fatale of choice, Baby Firefly from the films House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects has sailed into Round 2 of the Sirens of the LAMBs bracket. I'm a little sad that Princess Nausicaa lost the nerve to even attempt to fight me, but if you know Baby, you know it was for the best. Still, I hope you all take a moment to check out my battle prose over at the LAMB.

In Round 2 my opponent will be the only other chick in the bracket remotely as twisted as Baby Firefly. That opponent who survived her Round 1 encounter with Catwoman from Batman Returns; Asami Yamazaki from the film Audition. If you're into sick, twisted and gorific details, you're in for a treat when the two of us square off. I'll let you know when the smackdown is under way!

I do have some sad news to report. River Tam of Serenity was also in Round 1, but lost to the Bride from Kill Bill. I am a ginormous fan of Summer Glau so I am sad to see her go but glad that I won't have to go head-to-head with her!

Baby Firefly's Round 1 write-up

The Spank Bank: Summer Glau

Thanks again to all you stargazers who voted in the poll that decided the subject of this post. I love watching movies but I especially love watching television and films featuring certain charismatic women and men. Everyone has those special actors or actresses that draw them to a movie. Hell, I'd go see Scary Movie XVII if my flagship Spank Bank'r Matt Damon was starring but we've been there.

The second inductee of the Spank Bank doesn't have quite the extensive portfolio as her predecessor but that doesn't mean she is any less deserving. On the contrary, I feel this young woman hasn't gotten enough attention. I hope my post only furthers her career and, if it does, she remembers me fondly. My newest Spank Bank inductee is the one and only:

SUMMER GLAU

The First Time My Eyes Met: Third season of the television show Angel in the episode "Waiting in the Wings." Summer played the Prima Ballerina. Sure, a minor role, but those who know me know I am a sucker for a talented dancer (she used to be a prima ballerina). I didn't know I could be down with ballet until she pirouetted into my life.

She had me at ‘Hello’: As River Tam in the shamefully short-lived TV series Firefly and the follow-up feature Serenity, Summer proved she could be delicate, deadly and bizarre. I was smitten within minutes of River's awakening from the box. It also helps that River was given the chance to do things like this:

and this:


Sexiest Movie/TV Moment: Playing the cyborg Cameron Phillips on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles takes her game to a whole new level. You'd think playing an emotionless hunk of metal would leave viewers cold but damn if she ain't hot doing it! I already have many favorite moments but the best goes somewhat as follows:

Sarah's ex-lover Charley storms out of the garage after talking with Cameron. Sarah enters and asks what just happened.

Cameron matter-of-factly replies, "I freak him the hell out."
Sarah responds, "I bet you do."

Oh boy does she, and trust me, its in all the good ways.

Let’s Never Speak of This Again: Some people would look at Summer's limited career and probably think that the Sci-Fi television movie Mammoth and the ABC Family remake of the Initiation of Sarah are things she'd like to forget. As someone who's seen both of these, I'd have to say she has nothing to be ashamed of thus far. Sure Mammoth was cheesy but damn it was funny. In Sarah she was absolutely scrumptious in a cast full of yum-o! Here's to more quality roles!

It Brings a Smile to My Face: Whenever a role has her smiling or laughing. Summer is a champ at playing...peculiar characters; characters who typically do not have reason to laugh or be happy. For me it's quite refreshing to see moments that pep her up.

My Biggest Regret: Seeing as how I've only missed three of her guest TV spots and one minor film role, my choices are slim. Still, having not seen the episodes on The Unit in which she portrayed Crystal Burns is my biggest regret. I don't really know anything about the show except that Dennis "Cerrano" Haysbert stars. But this is reason enough to kick myself for missing out:

Her Winning Feature: Tough decision. I love her dazzling smile and I'm putty for cute, pouty lips so you'd think it'd be a no-brainer. However, they come in second to her legs. Whether she's playing an emotionless cyborg or an emotionally scarred killing vixen, it's the way she moves that truly mesmerizes me. The combo of dancer skills and sexy gams are my kryptonite.

If I could walk in his shoes: I'd have to replace Adam Baldwin in Serenity. The moment would be from the video above around the 1:13 mark. I by no means have a pain fetish, but I think I could enjoy it if she were in charge.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: I must confess. I was only mildly interested in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles when I first heard about it. Then I saw the comic book ad with Summer. I had to tune in. While there's no legit buzz on her upcoming projects, here's hoping the show is picked up for a full season so I can enjoy her weekly.

There is a rumor that Joss Whedon is developing a ballet movie called The Serving Girl where Summer would be the star. Hey, Joss let me know if you need help getting this project going.

My Dream of Working with the lovely Summer: I can see it now, I'm lounging on a plush leather couch, the only illumination in the room comes from my laptop screen and the glow of the fire. Summer enters, gracefully gliding across the room to sit beside me. We have been brought together by our mutual friend Joss to work out a few of the finer details on her first starring role in one of her dream pics, a western. To make sure we don't get too, um, stiff on the couch, she gets me up to stretch. Before I know it, she's teaching me to tango. We dance, we talk of plots for a romance vehicle for her, there is electricity in the air. Then, as if in the Chronicles or Firefly, there's this discordant ringing filling our head, drowning out the music.

Damn, it's my alarm. I hit snooze and head back to the couch...

Ahh, now where were we?

---

P.S.- Summer if you're reading this, I love me some westerns and would totally develop an idea that would help you expand your range and avoid a lifetime of type-casting. Seriously, call me.

Trailer Trash: The Incredible Hulk

I saw The Incredible Hulk trailer on my PC a few weeks back. Two weeks ago, I got the big screen treatment on the front-end of Doomsday. Just last week at Drillbit Taylor, I was treated to my third viewing. I can't hold back any longer! In ten frames, here's my thoughts on The Incredible Hulk:

"I've got a problem."

I'll say! You've got to save a comic franchise from the furtherest depths of suck. At least Edward Norton fits the bill of tragic scientist Bruce Banner more so than Bana. Oh wait, we aren't supposed to mention that other movie are we?

Green means go! Hells yeah!

Hulk Smash! This is shaping up nicely.

"What is my motivation as Betty Ross?"
Um, well. You see you're... She is...
"Am I here just to be pretty?"
That's right Ms. Tyler. Keep up the good work.

Couldn't we have at least kept Sam Elliot as Thunderbolt Ross?!
Fine, fine. I'll stop bringing up the first stinker.

"What the hell was that?"

My thoughts exactly. I'm starting to miss Nick Nolte's Absorbing Man.

Bruce Fall. Bruce Crash. Guess it takes a lot to make him mad nowadays. This is a great teaser ending to the...

What?! It's not over?!?

"Mommy, why does the Hulk still look hella lame?"
"I don't know Timmy. I thought they learned the last time."
"Yeah, right lady. All those Strongman competitors, wrestlers and HGH-infused baseball players out there and we get stuck with another Crayola Creation. Genius."

"RRRAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!"
"Hulk Mad! Hulk look like used Douche!"
"Crappy CG Hulk Want Smash Crappy CG Things."

This looks familiar. Oh yeah, it's one of the most cliché action sequences created since the advent of CG (Thanks, Matrix). Maybe Hulk and Abomination can do a nice slow-motion walk down the street when the fight is over.

***

This trailer started so full of promise. It was like bungee jumping with regular rope. How complicated would filming have been with a real person as the Hulk? They managed it for years on TV! Still, it really can't suck as hard as Hulk 2003? Can it?!

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Dull Drillbit Doesn't Pierce the Funny Bone

Drillbit Taylor

Release: 03/21/2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 42 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
> Second-Run Seats ($$)

Owen Wilson (Shanghai Noon) portrays Drillbit Taylor, an AWOL Army Ranger who's made a life for himself panhandling and dumpster-diving. When he's evicted from his ocean view lean-to, Drillbit decides it's Canada or bust. Before he can go north, he decides to scam some kids out of their money by agreeing to be their bodyguard against the high school bully. Torn between his homeless colleagues' ruthless intentions and his growing conscience, Drillbit 's carefree life is in danger of being filled with hard-learned lessons and emotional fulfillment.

Hollywood's latest golden boy, Seth Rogen (Superbad), co-wrote Taylor with help from Tom Green Show scribe Kristofor Brown and '80's teen icon John Hughes. When you hit it big like Rogen, it's inevitable that the crap in your portfolio will rise to the top. I wish I could be so lucky that even my shit ideas were produced, but Rogen is and audiences are not. I enjoyed Drillbit Taylor. I remember laughing many times. That's all I really remember. Well, that and Wilson's ass, but that's for other reasons. Within two hours, I found this movie nearly all but forgotten. Why?

The dialogue doesn't snap, but there are moments when you know Wilson is just shoveling it from off the cuff. The situations are bland. Again, Wilson peps up moments that seem far-fetched and forced. All, and I mean all, the characters are one-dimensional. The school bully, Filkins, played by Alex Frost, is the most sadistic and overbearing person on the planet. It is impossible a student like him could exist without some sort of authoritative intervention. Even worse, the writers want us to swallow that parents will side against their children?! I know the kids were bullied in the movie; now let me bully Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile (Good Luck Chuck), and David Dorfman (The Ring), too. Boys, it helps not to laugh when you're supposed to be irate. Granted, sometimes a comedic talent like Wilson can have you so in stitches that it can't be helped, but I wasn't laughing nearly that hard, and you shouldn't have been either.

Even worse is that so many supporting actors are wasted. Leslie Mann (Knocked Up) is little more than a blow-up doll for Wilson's amorous ways. Danny "Bust-Ass" McBride (Hot Rod), Cedric Yarbrough (Reno 911!), Lisa Lampanelli (Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector), and Stephen Root (Idiocracy) do little more than fill the gaps between funny moments. All these problems I blame on the writers and on director Steve Brill (Mr. Deeds) who could have (and should have) given us material worthy of the Knocked Up/Superbad promotional hype.

Dirty Undies
I think I've already mentioned Wilson's ass, which is featured as prominently as his crooked nose. Some brutal teen abuse at the hands of an insanely maniacal bully and lots of foul 'ball' and 'shit' references makes you feel like you're right back in high school, at least some extreme version of it.

The Money Shot
I admit I am being harsh to a movie that was pretty funny; heck, far funnier than many flicks I've seen. Two days later, the only things I remember most are that the bully was a mega-douche and Wilson's funniest moment came when he whipped out the line "crap on a shit sandwich." I rest my case.

Ms. Mitra, Tear Down This Wall!

Doomsday

Release: 03/14/2008
Rated R
1 hour, 45 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <> Matinee ($$$)





It's 2008, and a decimating virus dubbed "the Reaper" spreads through the populace of Scotland. Afraid of the disease spreading across the Isle, the British government works quickly to erect a huge wall isolating the infected from the healthy. Nearly thirty years pass, and a second outbreak of the virus has been discovered. In a last-ditch effort, the Government, knowing survivors exist behind the wall, decides to send an elite military team to recover any information about a cure before they have to seal off another chunk of British real estate. Highly recommended and highly rebellious Major Eden Sinclair, played by Rhona Mitra (Shooter), leads her highly trained fodder, um, team into the unknown with less than forty-eight hours to save humanity...or not bother returning.

You ever find yourself watching a movie and you realize that its creator is really having a good time? Writer-director Neil Marshall (Descent) createss himself such a landscape in Doomsday. An elite team of ass-kicking soldiers complete with future tech square off against a forgotten people who have fashioned themselves into an army of tattooed, leather-clad, Road-Warrior style cannibals. That alone is a enticing premise, but why not go one more and give audiences a rival faction of survivors who have reverted to the Middle Ages (complete with knights on horseback) who even live in the castles of yore? The average director would have been satisfied, but not Marshall. For good measure he even throws in a wicked car chase, some funky '90's Brit pop, and I'm sure I spotted a kitchen sink in one scene.

Sure, Marshall was having a blast, but what about me? I loved it...mostly. Establishing the necessary premise for the film was thorough, but left me scratching my head on some of the finer points. Then with each new, wild layer, I felt my brow furrowing at the logistics of it all. But by the end, I found the explanations satisfactory enough, was rolling with the punches, and enjoying every minute of the glorious insanity.

Rhona Mitra does her best acting to date. Maybe it's because she gets to use her natural accent, or maybe it's because she gets to kill anything that moves. Either way, it's a good look for her. Marshall includes Bob Hoskins (Unleashed) and Malcom McDowell (Halloween) to add some much needed name recognition and acting cred, but not much else. Craig Conway (Descent), who plays Sol, has solidified his place in the halls of film's loco leaders.

Dirty Undies
Savage, sword-wielding punk women, armor-clad knights, leather-clad gimps and even '70's style drug runners; Mitra takes on all comers without flinching. If the movie excels at one thing above all else, it's the gratuitous violence. I lost count of how many heads rolled, how many vehicles exploded, how many bodies were crushed and how many bullets ripped people apart. The best part is Marshall captured every last gory detail and even threw in a bit of tongue-in-cheek to lighten the mood. All that, and Rhona Mitra was hot, too.


The Money Shot
Doomsday is Neil Marshall's wet dream. It may be too outrageous a concept for many people, but I have a feeling its eclectic concept is one that will solidify its cult classic status. Problems not withstanding, Marshall manages to entertain while injecting some social commentary. If he had only avoided the time-stamping dilemma suffered by Demolition Man...

More Than a Mouthful (03.20.2008)

It feels so good to be jacked in again. Work had me traveling into the mountains of North Carolina where I found myself without Internet access for what seemed an eternity! It's not that the technology hadn't reached that far; it was that the hotel's router was fried, and tried as they might, the managers were unable to repair the issue during my stay. Now I'm back, but with days lost, I have to give you a quick and dirty update of the goings and comings.

Oooh, that's huge news!
My blog buddy, Nick, has created a battle bracket of sorts for movie characters over on the LAMB. The first event pits femme fatales nominated by LAMB contributors against one another, and is appropriately titled Sirens of the LAMBs. The first battle, Kyra from Chronicles of Riddick versus Nikita of La Femme Nikita, posted on Monday. Head on over to the LAMB, read the opposing confrontations, and vote for the one you love best! My special lady friend, Baby Firefly from House of 1000 Corpses, has not yet been posted, but I'll let you know when she needs your support!

The Business End:
Thanks to everyone who voted in my Spank Bank poll last week. Though the votes were close, a winner has been chosen from among the contestants and the lucky lady's induction will be posted next week.

Also, I have added a rather nifty button that allows you to share my site with whatever social networking site(s) you frequent. I have yet to try it out (I thought it'd be a bit vain and somewhat kinky to digg myself) so give it a try if you see anything worth sharing!

What the Fuck?!
I have noticed a disturbing trend the last few weeks. It all started with this movie called Bar Starz, followed by Never Back Down, and this week it's Joshua Jackson's Shutter. You may ask, what do these films have in common? The answer: advertising-wise, they all materialized from seemingly nowhere about a week to ten days before their release dates. I assume to some extent I don't frequent the websites and TV channels that promote these movies extensively, but I also wonder if the studios behind these films keep them hidden until the last possible minute. It's a sort of advertising grenade if you will: pull the pin, throw the adverts into the general populace and hope that a shrapnel of the concept lodges into someone's brain before their self-preservation kicks in to steer them away from the poorly-adapted, tween-friendly, Asian horror remake vehicle for Pacey. Duck and Cover!

And the Next Box Office #1 will be….

I’m unsure how many of you stargazers caught The Idol results show Wednesday. Jim Carrey attended the broadcast. Carrey was wearing a pseudo-elephant outfit complete with trunk and ears. I felt sorry for the folks sitting behind that huge headpiece! Fox's shameless cross-promotion did get me to thinking, how would The Idol judges critique the new animated feature Horton Hears a Who!? I wonder… (strokes his beard in contemplation)

Horton Hears a Who!

Release: 03/14/2008
Rated G
1 hour, 28 minutes

Full Price ($$$$)

Ryan: Hello America. If you’re just tuning in, our next feature is expected to be a box-office juggernaut, and not just because of its massive main character. I am, of course, referring to Fox’s new animated sensation based on the popular Dr. Seuss book of the same name. Everyone give it up for Horton Hears a Who!

If you’re not familiar with the tale, a kind-hearted elephant, Horton, discovers that the entire town of Whoville exists on a tiny speck. Horton warns the Mayor of Whoville about his people’s predicament and vows to transplant the town to a safer location…no matter the danger involved. Steve Carell, who also voiced Hammy in Over the Hedge, plays the wacky Mayor of Whoville and the titular pachyderm is voiced by the Grinch himself, Jim Carrey.

Our judges were granted a special advance viewing of the film. We’ll find out what the judges thought, after the break

Horton Hears a Who - Trailer

Ryan: Welcome back. Now let’s hear what the judges have to say. First up, Mr. Randy Jackson.

(audience cheers)

Randy: Okay, so check it. This story is, like, my kids’ favorites. You don’t know how many times I rocked them to sleep with Horton so I was expecting big things from this movie, and I gotta tell ya, you brought it!

I wasn’t really feeling Carrey as Horton, though, man. I felt he wasn’t the right voice choice for the role. Whenever you hear Horton’s voice you expect those wild Carrey antics, know what I’m sayin’? And you know what, man, I don’t know if I’d hired Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill for the minor roles they had. Those guys are comedy powerhouses and you don’t really hit their potential. But you know, I was totally groovin’ to Carell as the Mayor, dawg. Awesome voice, really brings in that frenzied vibe they were going for. The music was banging! I especially dug the 80’s throwback number. I can totally see this as the number-one box-office hit.

Ryan: High praise. I wonder if Ms. Abdul agrees. Paula?

Paula: Ah, I loved this movie! I mean, uh, when I was watching this…the colors…they were so, they were just so bright and colorful. Well, umm, the look…the voices, the whole…You know what? (hits table with her hands) It was sooo charming!

You know Jim, umm, Jim. I’ve enjoyed him from the very start …when he first, he um, he’s such a funny guy! Really, all the voices are just wonderful. So much energy! Everyone, ah…um they all, really…really captured the heart, um, the feeling of the story.

You know what, people…people will say, they may think…they may not adore you but that’s why you got to be true to your. Self. And your heart. And…I think…and you know what you did that, um and…it was adorable.

(jumps to her feet)

I loved it, loved it! It was just too cute!

(audience claps loudly)

Ryan: Sounds like an enthusiastic YES from Paula. Simon Cowell, what say you?

Simon: I have to be honest with you…

Ryan: Let me guess. You don’t like children’s movies.

Simon: (scowling) Brilliant deduction. As I’ve said before, I’m not a fan of children’s movies.

(audience boos loudly)

Simon: Oh, be quiet. I’m not a fan, but that said, Hudson is surprisingly good. It…

Paula: Horton. It’s Horton.

Simon: What?

Ryan: The name’s Horton, not Hudson, Simon.

Simon: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Horton, Hudson. The point is, and I agree with Randy here, I wouldn’t have made all of the casting choices that were made. I think some of the choices were totally forgettable. I think some of the better voices were wasted. Personally, I would have liked to have heard more from Amy Poehler. The animation is excellent. Some of the scenes are a bit put on. But

(audience boos again)

Simon: BUT when you tell a story like this, it’s unavoidable. The big musical number at the end was indulgent. It was all a bit karaoke for me. I mean, who was that put in for, the children or was it pandering to the adults in the theater?

(audience boos yet again)

Ryan: So do we take it that’s a thumbs up?

Simon: Yes. (giving a dismissive wave) It was good enough..

Ryan: There you have it America! The judges’ opinions, for what they are worth. But the real judge is you. A special thanks to Mr. Jim Carrey for being with us tonight. From all of us here at the Fox studios and The Idol, and from Mr. Carrey, we hope to see you in the seats this weekend!

"You like me, you really like me!"