FMK Friday: The Wives of Mad Men

I dropped the FMK ball last Friday, but now it's time for a new round of Fuck, Marry Kill! Trust me, this new round's pairings were worth waiting the extra week.

To play, I present you my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

Apparently Round 3's Rising Stars of Community were either not up to snuff, or few people are fans of these fellas. Don't sleep! Despite receiving only five votes, these guys are not to be ignored. Let's see how Danny Pudi, Ken Jeong, and Donald Glover fared:

Fuck Ken,
Marry Donald,
Kill Danny

Taking a closer look at the votes we see:

Fuck Danny & Ken & Donald: Despite Ken winning it all in the individual voting, with my vote all three fellas would be tied for fuckability. It was probably my toughest decision, but I believe Donald's bro rape skills in the bedroom would be too tempting to pass up.

Marry Donald: Even though I'd prefer Donald between the sheets, everyone else wants to marry Mr. Donald Glover. Donald does look sexy sophisticated in his spectacles, but Ken Jeong would have to be the Chuck to my Larry. He's so cute, cuddly and crazy who wouldn't want to fall asleep every night curled up with a little Ken?

Kill Danny: I'm sorry Danny! I think you are super funny and talented, but someone had to take one for the team. Like they say, sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes, well, he eats you. Not sure where I was going with that, but Danny had to die and it will be a sadder world with him gone.

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Onto Round 4. With Season 4 of Mad Men officially underway what better time to pit the sexy spouses against one another. Why wives and not the more generic ladies, you may ask? Well, Peggy's great, but she's a different class of woman to Joan and Betty. Plus, comparing Peggy to those two would mean I couldn't include Trudy Campbell and who could say no to that adorable face? So, slip on your sharpest rings ladies and let the cat-fight begin!

Fuck, Marry, Kill
The Wives of Mad Men

From left to right:
Betty Draper; Blonde, bitchy and a bit of a booze-hound, but being married to Don Draper is a task no mere housewife could handle. Through it all she still manages to look classy.

Joan Harris; A rep for being a bit of a slut, but she's sly, smart and sassy. Joan's the type of woman you hate to see go, but you love to watch her leave. The doc's lucky to have landed the ultimate ging'.

Trudy Campbell; Trudy's sweet and petite, but I get the feeling Pete doesn't wear the pants in their chic apartment. As lovely as Trudy is, I wouldn't be surprised to find a big harry pair beneath her petticoat.


Round 4 will run for two weeks, I hope that gives everyone ample time to ogle, um, I mean compare, these characters. Choose wisely.

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Triple Team'd: Baru-chel-Shocked!

This feature is normally known as Double Team'd, but when preparing to review my recent barrage of Jay Baruchel vehicles, I realized I'd never written a review for She's Out of My League. Thus, Triple Team'd was born. Let's see which of the geeky-guy-gets-the-blonde films was most worth watching.



She's Out of My League

Release: 03.12.10
DVD Release: 06.22.10
Rated R
1 hour, 44 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Kirk (Jay Baruchel, Knocked Up) goes through the daily grind as a TSA agent while pining away for his ex, Marnie (Lindsay Sloane, Over Her Dead Body). A cellular ringtone jars him from his rut when the phone's owner, a breathtaking traveler, Molly (Alice Eve, Sex & the City 2), asks him to keep her phone safe. Being a nice guy, Kirk delivers the cell and Molly repays his kindness with a date. While sparks seem to fly, Kirk's self-doubt and his pessimistic friends and family may jeopardize the best thing that's ever happened to him.

The story does a decent job of establishing Kirk as an all-around great guy who's hesitant to stand up for himself. Kirk's more likable than his obnoxious buddy, Stainer (T.J. Miller, Get Him to the Greek), but not nearly as memorable as his silly pal Devon (Nate Torrence, Get Smart). There's a third buddy (Mike Vogel, Cloverfield), but he's underutilized and unnecessary. The quartet's banter, scribed by Sex Drive writers John Morris and Sean Anders, is funny in parts, but largely fills space until audiences can ogle Alice Eve once again.

Eve has her own foul buddy, Patty (Krysten Ritter, 27 Dresses), though her talent's somewhat wasted. TV fans will be disappointed that Fringe's Jasika Nicole and That 70's Show's Debra Jo Rupp also have little to do. Most of the supporting cast take a back seat to Baruchel's fidgety gesturing and nasally hemming and hawing.

Dirty Undies
Alice Eve in lingerie is reason enough to see this, but catching a glimpse of Baruchel's bony ass (or his double's) may (or may not) sweeten the pot for you. Stainer and Patty are sputtering fountains of vulgarity, but unfortunately there's nothing overly explicit to write home about.

The Money Shot
She's Out of My League attempts to be offensive and edgy, but its sugary sweet center makes it more of a sappy romance than a raunchy comedy. One isn't necessarily better than the other, but in this case, mixing the two waters down the whole.



The Sorcerer's Apprentice


Release: 07.14.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 51 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Dave (Jay Baruchel, She's Out of My League) goes through the daily grind as a grad student of physics, though he wasn't always this way. When he was younger, he encountered the sorcerer Balthazar (Nicolas Cage, Con Air) on a field trip. Dave was meant to be Balthazar's apprentice, but Dave accidentally released the evil Horvath (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2) which led to significant emotional scarring. Ten years later, Balthazar and Horvath have returned; one to start a mystical apocalypse, the other to train the timid geek to prevent it.

Director John Turtletaub (National Treasure) spins an entertaining, though wholly predictable yarn with just enough explosions to make Jerry Bruckheimer give his nod of approval. Molina out chews Cage in most scenes; something I thought impossible. The displays of magical prowess are sparkly and nifty, which goes a long way to masking the uninspired writing the small battalion of writers cranked out.

Baruchel balances his time between weakly cracking wise on Cage's tutelage and wooing the dream girl from his embarrassing childhood. Lost infatuation Becky (Teresa Palmer, The Grudge 2) re-enters his life as student in need of physics tutoring. Becky's there to simply accept the magical side of Dave's life (though it's invisible to her eyes and should sound completely crazy). She also shows that Dave isn't a complete loser.

Dirty Undies
Another utterly wasted female role is Balthazar's lost love, Veronica, played by the lovely Monica Belluci (Brothers Grimm). While we're talking about underwritten and underused women, let's not forget Alice Krige (Reign of Fire) who played villainess Morgana la Fey. The women were added to be seen, and by the scant amount of lines given, rarely heard.

The Money Shot
In the end, I couldn't help but think how much more I preferred young Dave (Jake Cherry, Night at the Museum) to the poofy-haired, nasally hemming and hawing of adult Dave. The Sorcerer's Apprentice was nothing more than a cheap magician's trick; a lot of smoke and mirrors that felt entertaining at the time, but makes you feel cheated once you walk away.



How to Train Your Dragon


Release: 03.26.10
DVD Release: 10.22.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Goofy, awkward Hiccup, voiced by Jay Baruchel (Fanboys) goes through the daily grind as the apprentice to the blacksmith, Gobber (Craig Ferguson), while pining to be the best dragon hunter of his village. Unfortunately, his inventive methods cause more problems for his Viking kin than they help. His father Stoick (Gerard Butler, Reign of Fire) finally allows Hiccup to train, but only after he has befriended the most fearsome of dragons, a Night Fury he names Toothless.

Hiccup's friendship with Toothless gives him privileged insight into dragon mastery. It makes him the envy of his classmates, except for the star pupil, Astrid (America Ferrera, Our Family Wedding). The fantasy tale is fairly engaging and I doubt the target audience cares that the voices of the Viking village make them seem a bigger melting pot than New York City. Americans, Canadians, Brits and Scots make for an odd mix of natives, but if no one else cares, should I?

The computer animation is mediocre by today's measure. I wasn't too fond of Toothless's salamander-esque stylings, but it made for an inoffensive friend for young Hiccup.

Dirty Undies
Being a kid's movie, there shouldn't have been anything offensive, but something about hearing Gerard Butler's brutish brogue made me feel like he and Craig Ferguson were sitting around buck-ass naked in the recording booth, having a wank. There's a good bit of action, and it's a little more violent than you'd expect for kiddie fare with some surprisingly heavy outcomes.

The Money Shot
While the animation didn't portray it well, Baruchel's nasally hemming and hawing made Hiccup seem all the more helpless. It's altogether fun and easy to follow, assuming you don't get tripped up by the accents.

The Hump: No. 81

Huh, Huh, You Said "Poll"

On the first of July, Reel Whore crossed the 500 post mark. In honor of this milestone, I asked you faithful stargazers if the old girl needed a little work. I've been pondering putting the site under the knife for a substantial overhaul, but I'm glad I posed the question to you all first.


Of the 9 votes, what say you?

0 votes - Bitch needs a serious facelift!

8 votes - A little nip/tuck couldn't hurt.

and

1 vote - There's nothing like the original!



Either you all really are mostly pleased with the shape of things, or you're being very, very nice. No matter; my fans have spoken! Throughout August I hope to tweak the sidebars and clean up some outdated linkage. As for a new poll, I've got no burning questions to answer at the moment. Stay tuned. I'm sure something will pop up before long.

MMM: Stopped Before Started

Morning stargazers. I can't believe my last post was Wednesday! I had planned to drop three more posts by last week's end, but it's Monday so obviously that didn't happen. Best laid plans and all that. Here's hoping this week I'll start and finish strong.

Thinking about abrupt endings led me to this week's artist. French singer and actress, Stéphanie Sokolinski a.k.a. Soko, was a rising star in the music business back in 2007 thanks to her song I'll Kill Her. The song became a hit in several countries. Soko went on to tour with MIA and continued to tour with various other artists throughout 2008. Things were looking up, but in 2009 Soko decided to quit the music business despite having recorded a double album.

She has since returned to acting and was even nominated for a César award earlier this year. Whether singing or acting, seems like she's a natural. Maybe we'll get that to hear that album one day, but until then we can still enjoy the song that started the ball rolling.

Soko - I'll Kill Her

Got any projects you're looking to pick up again? Now's as good a time as any.

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The Hump: No. 16

A Quickie: Cop Out

Cop Out

Release: 02.26.10
DVD Release: 07.20.10
Rated R
1 hour, 47 minutes


Second Run Seats

When veteran cop, Jimmy Monroe (Bruce Willis, Bandits), goes to sell a rare baseball card, the store is robbed. Jimmy and his partner, Paul Hodges (Tracy Morgan, TV: 30 Rock), hunt down the thief so Jimmy can cash it in to pay for his daughter, Ava's (Michelle Trachtenberg, Eurotrip) dream wedding. The thief, Dave (Seann William Scott, Role Models), leads them to the card's new owner, which conveniently lands them in the middle of the case that got them suspended.

Blending action and comedy is old hat for Willis, and Cop Out proves he could do it in his sleep. Surprisingly, Tracy Morgan isn't as annoying as the trailers made him out to be. Well, he and Seann William Scott were both annoying, but in a quirky, funny kinda way. The "big bad" of the film, a thug named after a New Orleans delicacy, Poh Boy (Guillermo Diaz, The Terminal) did get on my last nerve. I assume director Kevin Smith (Mallrats) asked Diaz to give it his Ray- Liotta-in-Wild-Hogs-over-the-top all, but he could have reeled the crazy in a lil bit.

It's a weak, goofy premise masked by raunchy jokes with direction that makes the story feel all over the place. More than a few funny actors, Kevin Pollack (The Whole Nine Yards), Jason Lee (Jersey Girl), and Rashida Jones (I Love You, Man) get wasted to make room for more of Morgan's shenanigans. It's not the genius of the Keystone Kops, but Cop Out can detain your attention on a lazy afternoon.

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