Models and Porno

Not to disappoint you, but this is not a post about some amateur video starring Adriana Lima giving a Dutch Rudder after a night of too much green tea and appletinis. This post is actually a double team review of two comedies featuring a ton of Judd Apatow regulars sans the Apatow influence.

Role Models
Release:11.07.08
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Release:10.31.08
Rated R
1 hour, 41 minutes

Matinee ($$$)

Having both these films out in theaters right now can be a bit confusing. I mean one features Elizabeth Banks alongside an adorable, clean-cut fellow while the other features Elizabeth Banks opposite a a cuddly, scruffy fellow. If the deciding factor is your Banks-able tolerance level, she's barely in Role Models but headlines as the Miri in Zack and Miri. If you want fun and spunky Elizabeth, Z&M is the sure bet.

In Role Models, Danny (Paul Rudd, 40 Year Old Virgin) and Wheeler (Seann William Scott, Road Trip) are spokesmen for the energy drink Minotaur. After ten years at the firm, Danny's increasingly bitter existence leads him to some destructive shenanigans, leaving both he and Wheeler to do 30 days jail time or serve 150 hours of community service. Chosing the supposed lesser sentence, Danny and Wheeler join Sturdy Wings, mentoring Augie (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Superbad) and Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson, Idlewild), respectively. The two most difficult 'Littles' paired with the two most inept "Bigs," what could possibly happen?

Miri (Elizabeth Banks, Seabiscuit) shares a dilapidated apartment with her best friend Zack (Seth Rogen, Pineapple Express). Niether are particularly motivated to do any more than amble through life until their water and power are shut off in the middle of winter in Monroesville, PA. Zack, having recently met a porn star at their high school reunion, decides he and Miri should make an amatuer porno to earn quick cash. Enlisting friends and hiring some talent, the movie really starts coming together until complications arise from the friends, um, coming together.

I expected the hilarity of Role Models to be saddled on the backs of a couple of characters. Surprisingly the four fellows each share the burden, getting equal time in the limelight. Jane Lynch (A Mighty Wind) has a funny albeit bizarre role as the Sturdy Wings founder, Gale. While her and others are recognized as recent Apatow faves, the film is a product of The State crew, including Ken Marino (TV: Reaper), Keri Kenney-Silver (TV: Reno 911!), and director David Wain. The resulting combination is effective, producing a steady stream of laughter...relying only once on some minor bathroom humor.

Though Banks and Rogen, along with Craig Robinson (Walk Hard), have gained popularity through Apatow's films, you know Kevin Smith (Jersey Girl) is behind the helm when Jason Mewes (Mallrats) and Jeff Anderson (Clerks) also star. As usual, Rogen plays Rogen, only there are times when you can close your eyes and swear it was Smith talking. If there's one shining performance it's Justin Long (Accepted) in a brief appearance as Bobby Long, the outspoken partner of Zack and Miri's former schoolmate. It's obvious everyone is having a blast, running around partially to completely nude, spouting tons of raunchy dialogue in an effort to hide the fact that Z&M is little more than a romantic comedy a la Clerks II.

Dirty Undies
Paul Rudd truly is adorable, even when pouty and pissy. Seann William Scott does tone down the Stifler act, but his sexual escapades exposes not only a few women's bare chests, but his extremely firm buttocks and body. If your offended by expletive spewing kids, or expletives in general, Role Models will undoubtedly offend. Some fighting occurs, both mean and good spirited, but the foam weapons used make it funnier than violent.

As with most Smith fare, Zack and Miri is sure to expand your carnal knowledge base whether you wanted or not. Sex scenes are more laughable than explicit, but can be disturbing for those tamer in the bedroom. Porn stars Traci Lords (Blade) and Katie Morgan dominate the sex scenes (especially Katie's assets). If you are bothered by lots of raunchy sex and sex talk, nasty bathroom humor and the male form then maybe you should pass this by.

The Money Shot
If I had to choose between the two Banks-able projects, just looking at the marquee would be difficult. With Role Models and Zack and Miri Make a Porno both having a sampling of my favorite comedic actors and writers, you have to turn to the execution of their stories.

In the end, Role Models wins for being a well-balanced tale of awkward children reminding the adults life isn't any less awkward when grown. It's a little sugary, but the live action role playing and KISS references add a few fun twists along the way.

Zack and Miri is no slouch by any means. Not a Kevin Smtih best, but hardly a worst either. If vulgarity and goofy hits your funny bone just right, you'll find your money well spent. This is a must-see for fans of Justin Long. Though his part is small, it's not the size that matters, its what he does with it.

007 Memorable Henchmen Opposing 007

With Quantum of Solace just hours away I have returned with a list of my favorite henchmen (or should it be henchpersons?) that have opposed Bond over the years. Like yesterday's 007 Women post, I have a few caveats:

1) These seven thugs are in alphabetical order, not ranked.
2) The greatness of the Bond film is not a factor.
3) The character's gimmick is usually a major factor.
4) These are memorable, and not necessarily effective, henchmen.

Here are the Reel Whore's

007 Memorable Henchmen Opposing 007

Geoffrey Holder
Character: Baron Samedi
Movie: Live and Let Die (1973)

This was a close call between Samedi and Tee Hee, but the deep laugh and general insanity of Holder wins out. While Samedi goes out like a bitch, being dumped into a coffin of snakes, it's fun to see him get the last laugh.


Famke Janssen
Character: Xenia Zaragevna Onatopp
Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

A female assassin who kills men by strangling them with her thighs; how could Onatopp not make the Reel Whore list? Seductive and severely imbalanced, Janssen plays this Bond nemesis perfectly. If he had to die, what better way for Bond to go than between her thighs?


Grace Jones
Character: May Day
Movie: A View To a Kill (1985)

No one is quite as strange as Strangé. And who better than Grace Jones to play the lover of Christopher Walken's Zorin, May Day? Her hysterical laugh and flamboyance make her impossible to forget. Plus, she's one of the few women who seem more in control in the sack than Bond.


Richard Kiel
Character: Jaws
Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), Moonraker (1979)

Richard Kiel has the distinction of being the only henchman to confront Bond in two films. He's massive, menacing and he's got metal teeth! Jaws, a force to be reckoned his first go'round, sadly becomes comic relief in Moonraker.


Lotte Lenya
Character: Rosa Klebb
Movie: From Russia With Love (1963)

Cold and calculating, Lenya portrays Rosa Klebb as the scariest freaking agent of SPECTRE. From barking orders to making her minions squirm, Klebb is one woman you don't want to be locked in a room with. Especially since her weapon of choice is a poison-tipped shoe dagger!


Harold Sakata
Character: Oddjob
Movie: Goldfinger (1964)

A character of no words, Oddjob was the manservant of Goldfinger, doing everything from caddying to assassinations. Oddjob's most memorable scene is beheading a stone statue by throwing his Metal Rimmed Hat.


Hervé Villechaize
Character: Nick Nack
Movie: The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

The most diminutive henchman Bond has ever faced, Villechaize got no respect. Manservant to Scaramanga, Nick Nack filled roles from chef to assassin. He ran the island and all its psychedelic traps. Too bad his final fight was so utterly humiliating.


Once again, when I feared my memory had grown too fuzzy, I used the James Bond Multimedia to get the facts straight.

Don't like my tastes? Let me know which henchmen you remember most!

007 Hottest Women of 007

With Quantum of Solace a few days away I wanted to list who I felt were the best and most beautiful Bond women from the near half-century of films. I want to make a few points clear going into the list:

1) These seven women are in alphabetical order, not ranked.
2) The greatness of the Bond film is not a factor.
3) The character's name is never a factor...well almost.
4) I omitted Bond villainesses, choosing to swoon only for the good girls.

Here are the Reel Whore's

007 Hottest Women of 007

Barbara Bach
Character: Major Anya Amasova a.k.a. Agent XXX
Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Bach plays the Soviet, female equal of James Bond. The best spy in the field, Agent XXX works with and against Bond to stop the villain, Stromberg. She is fierce and independent and looks amazing in every scene, especially during the flooding of Atlantis.



Halle Berry
Character: Giancinta "Jinx" Johnson
Movie: Die Another Day (2002)

Jinx, an NSA operative is also an equal to James Bond. She lives on the edge and isn't afraid to love 'em and leave 'em, even the sexually formidable 007. Her most memorable scene is without a doubt, the orange bikini-Ursula Andress tribute.



Honor Blackman
Character: Pussy Galore
Movie: Goldfinger (1964)

If ever a Bond woman's name added to their hotness, it has to be Pussy Galore. Despite the insane moniker, Blackman is a strong, defiant, enterprising woman (though the lesbian "conversion" scene is questionable). To this day, I agree with Mr. Bond's words upon first meeting her, "I must be dreaming."


Lois Chiles
Character: Dr. Holly Goodhead
Movie: Moonraker (1979)

With the most unfortunate name of any Bond woman, Chiles holds her head high in this so-so Bond film. As NASA astronaut and CIA Agent, the bright Dr. Goodhead teams with Bond to defeat the mastermind Drax and the brute force of his henchman Jaws; all while looking stunning in a yellow spacesuit.


Izabella Scorupco
Character: Natalya Fyordorovna Simonova
Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

A computer programmer in a Russian Space Control Centre, Natalya is as intelligent as she is sexy. Without her computer skills, Bond would not have been able to stop Trevelyan. Her most memorable work is watching her smugly trump her demeaning coworker, Boris.



Jane Seymour
Character: Solitaire
Movie: Live and Let Die (1973)

A fortune teller for New Orleans drug lord, Mr. Big, Solitaire isn't as strong as other Bond women. She blindly follows the Tarot, a weakness Bond exploits. Still, from Seymour's first scene to when she's flipped up into a train bed, there's never been a more stunning damsel in distress.


Akiko Wakabayashi
Character: Aki
Movie: You Only Live Twice (1967)

An agent of Tiger Tanaka, Bond's Osaka contact, Aki becomes invaluable to Bond in his pursuit of SPECTRE as well as his after-hours pursuits. Though Bond marries in the following film, her multitude of talents gives Aki the distinction of being Bond's first serious consideration of marriage.



I've seen these Bond films countless times over the years, but I found James Bond Multimedia to be an invaluable source for clearing up the grayer areas of my memory. Reviewing my choices I find it funny that two of my choices were Soviet/Russian characters. Considering that Daniela Bianchi (From Russia With Love) was barely edged out of my Top 007 and that I am extremely excited to see Olga Kurylenko this weekend, methinks I see a trend.

Don't like my tastes? Let me know who you're fave 007 Bond women are!

MMM: License to Ill

Sorry stargazers, no Beastie Boys here this week. I didn't want to do another play on the whole, Bond...James Bond thing like last week.

As you all I know, I am more than a little excited about the opening of Quantum of Solace this Friday. That's only four friggin' days away! I am even more excited thanks to the film's official song. Why? Three reasons:

I love Alicia Keys. She is amazing.
I love Jack White. He is amazing.
I love Bond movies. This song captures that essence, well, amazingly.

If you haven't heard Keys and White's collabo on Another Way To Die, crawl out from under that rock and give it a listen:

I can hardly wait to see this song's accompanying title sequence. This duet gave me such a sigh of relief. Rumor has it, Beyoncé Knowles was originally tapped to perform the new song, *shudder* She'd probably have wanted a part in the film, too. No thanks! We can do without another Madonna debacle.

Actually, If you're reading this Eon Productions and Ms. Broccoli, the next installment of Bond should feature a title song performed by the sexy, talented, international sensation Shakira. And if she wants a part, I'd have no complaints. Who's with me?

Trailer Trash: The November Gang Bang

Can you believe it is already Friday? More importantly, it's the first Friday of November, so let's get the Gang Bang underway.

Since I was indisposed in October, I resorted to a series of Trailer Trash quickies to get through the month's new releases. While it tided me over, it didn't compare to the pulse-pounding onslaught of trailers at all at once. For November, IMDB says we have eleven major releases. Sweet, let's see what they are:


Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa (11.07) I didn't care one thin dime to see Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith or David Schwimmer voice dumb NYC zoo animals the first time. Why would I give a rat's ass about seeing the quartet reprise the lame idea in an African setting? No, no, no and NO I say to them all.

House (11.07) Taking a cue from the Simpsons, the horror-hopeful House is dropped a week after Halloween. While intriguing at first, the trailer turns tired as the guests of the B&B are prodded and poked a la Saw style to kill one to save the remainder. Shameless twists and turns are sure to ensue and if Michael Madsen is the big name draw, well...

Twilight (11.21) Buzz, buzz, buzz is all you hear about the novel phenomena known as Twilight, the tale of teenage vampire love. I recall similar praise heaped on Eragon years back and we all know how much that film sucked. I'm holding out hope Twilight will satisfy the romantics but us vampire lovers may find it lacking. Point in fact, Bella points out that Edward doesn't go out in the sunlight yet why is every scene of the trailer during the day???


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Bolt (11.21) The concept of a 3-D cartoon super pooch is exciting and cute until you learn two things. 1) The pooch isn't really an Underdog type, he's just delusional. 2) The cute pooch is voiced by John Travolta. The hamster and his ball meet the required funny as far as pudgy sidekicks go, but watching that ball fly out of the screen 3-D style may grow old quickly.

Four Christmases (11.26) Is it just me or is Vince Vaughn trying to become the new Tim Allen?! Granted this looks more tolerable than last year's Fred Claus largely thanks to Jon Favreau and Robet Duvall's insane looking characters. I am certain this will earn beau coup box office, but it will take serious convincing to pull me away from my time-tested holiday DVD stable.

Australia (11.26) The visually stimulating works of Baz Luhrman; Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge! open the Australia promo. The spectacular landscape looks worth the price of admission, but Luhrman films have never been steeped in such serious tones as these. I'm hoping his eccentricity will prevail over Nicole Kidman's bad box office mojo, but the trailer promises no such revelations.


Moist With Antici...Pation!
Soul Men (11.07) This is one of two films that feature the late Bernie Mac (the other being his voice in Madagascar 2). I was not going to miss seeing him in this hilarious-looking starring role. In fact, I've already seen it, so why not read my full review.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (11.07) Saw director Darren Lynn Bousman takes us on what can only be described as one freaky-deaky theatrical thrill ride. A futuristic world with organ transplants, debt collectors and lots of singing has contemporary cult appeal akin to Rocky Horror (unlike the wannabe MTV remake of RHPS, boo hiss!). But I digress. With Buffy costar Anthony Head playing the Repo Man, you can expect solid acting and singing. Paris Hilton's billing scares me, but fingers crossed she'll die an ugly death like in House of Wax.

Role Models (11.07) Though the Apatow shingle is nowhere to be seen, Role Models features many of Judd's regulars, specifically Paul Rudd. He and Seann William Scott are callous slackers who get out of jail time by serving 150 hours of community service as Sturdy Wings big brothers. They'll undoubtedly learn life lessons thanks to their mentoring, but it looks like we'll all laugh our asses off along the way. This film was made in support of the McLovin' Fund:

See more Kristen Bell videos at Funny or Die

Quantum of Solace (11.14) Picking up immediately after 2006's Casino Royale, the return of Craig-Bond looks to continue its dramatic, action-packed glory. A bonus is that the smoking Olga Kurylenko is starring opposite 007. It's obvious I'll be there opening weekend, is there any reason you won't?


Transporter 3 (11.26) The third in the series doesn't promise much in originality, ripping off a Speed-esque gimmick to keep the Transporter (Jason Statham) near his vehicle or die. Unbelievable yes, but no need for the series to get realistic now. The best part, Statham is back to his few words-more action motif; a welcome change after suffering through the painful inner monologue of LAMB MOTM Revolver.

***

Limited Releases I did not review include The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, Slumdog Millionaire, Christmas Tale, Special, and Sean Penn's Milk. I was tempted to tackle these as well, but I believe I ache enough already. See you at the theater!

Ending on a High Note

Soul Men
Release: 11.07.08
Rated R
1 hour, 43 minutes

Full-Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


Marcus Hooks and the Real Deal rose to stardom in the sixties. Then Marcus (John Legend) realized his star would rise quicker without his backup duo, Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac, Guess Who) and Louis Hinds (Samuel L. Jackson, Black Snake Moan). The Real Deal tried to make sweet music without Marcus but eventually parted ways due to some "personal differences."

Floyd ran a successful business and is now living restlessly in a retirement community. Jackson reprised his Coming to America role to portray Hinds's post-musical venture. After all these years, Marcus has died and the Real Deal is asked to reunite for a tribute at the Apollo. With only five days until the show, Floyd and Louis must dust off their polyester suits, vocal chords and retro-choreography while setting aside their issues to pay final respects to their friend.

Soul Men, directed by Malcolm D. Lee (Roll Bounce), is one of the last Bernie Mac films and he steals the spotlight. At the top of his game, Mac acts silly, raunchy and seemingly has a blast with his costars. Seeing Mac shout profanities at Jackson made me momentarily sad at his passing but he was just too damn funny to allow the depression to linger.

Proud, tough and obnoxious, Jackson is true to form. Both Jackson and Mac sing the Real Deal's hits, which helps audiences understand why their music careers never survived without Marcus. Instead of crafting "authentic" Real Deal hits, the songs are a selection from the classic Motown catalog.

Also unoriginal is the formulaic road trip romp to reach the Apollo. In dire straits, the duo must visit Mac's ex-wife Odetta only to find her daughter Cleo (Sharon Leal, Dreamgirls). Cleo is living with wannabe thug rapper Lester (Affion Crockett, The Boondocks) who hams it up as badly as Ray Liotta in Wild Hogs. There's even a White Chocolate ultra fan of the Real Deal and VH1 lackey, Phillip (Adam Herschman, Accepted), in charge of getting the duo to the show. Thankfully, Lee keeps the pace quick, not allowing audiences to ponder the goofy clichés and unrealistic events that hinder Soul Men's greatness.

Dirty Undies
Still, Mac and Jackson let both barrels loose with extremely vulgar insults, sexual shenanigans and some low key violence. Busty and booty-ful women parade around, some giving glimpses of nudity. Seeming as how pornstars are the new motion picture mainstay, Vanessa del Rio pops in, or rather, out briefly.

The Money Shot
Soul Men focuses on entertainers trying to reignite the spark in their lives. It's such a shame that Bernie Mac's light was extinguished so suddenly. As the credits roll, Lee honors Bernie Mac showing clips of Bernie discussing his success with humility and humor. Regardless of acclaim, fans will flock to Soul Men for Bernie Mac. As well they should, it's his show.

Repeat Bidness: V for Vendetta

Remember, remember the fifth of November. In honor of Guy Fawkes Night and the rousing victory speech President-elect Barack Obama gave around midnight this day (EST), I thought it'd be appropriate to revisit this film:

V for Vendetta

Original Release:03.17.06
DVD Release: 08.01.06

Rated R
2 hours, 12 minutes

Full Price ($$$$)

"Who IS that Masked Man?!"

A great dish always starts with a great recipe. Using the Wachowski Brothers’ (The Matrix) adapted screenplay of the Alan Moore and David Lloyd graphic novel, first time director James McTeigue serves up one hell of a film for audiences. V for Vendetta is set in a totalitarian Britain made so by the outbreak of a war in Iraq. The people of Britain live a subdued life thanks to their government’s curfews and strict laws. The appearance of a darkly clad man in a porcelain mask, known only as V, awakens the population with promises of a life without fear. One citizen in particular, Evey Hammond (Natalie Portman, Mars Attacks!), finds herself embroiled in V’s treasonous plot to blow up Parliament. The government hopes to squelch V, his ideals and his dangerous promises by locating the aggressor and his would-be accomplice while countering their message with pro-government propaganda.

By enlisting the aid of the talented and effervescent Portman alongside the haunting demeanor of Hugo Weaving (The Matrix ), McTeigue had the toughest work of story-telling covered. Portman, adept at playing opposite non-existent Star Wars creatures, proved equally extraordinary acting opposite an expressionless face. Weaving spouts extensive, emancipative dialogue flawlessly, imparting eloquence to the purported monster behind the mask. When V is not haranguing the tyranny of the society, he is delivering severe yet stylistic ass-whoopins to anyone attempting to oppress. Portman gets in a few one-two punches herself though it’s her conveyance of Evey’s revelations and subsequent evolution that grips audiences.

If audiences are unsure of the film’s intent; yes, it has political undertones. The story is designed to inspire unease with complacency and to urge freedom of thought as the precedent to all other freedoms. Clever wordplay is found to be sharper and more lethal than any bombs, daggers or karate gimmicks V utilizes. Multi-layered meanings and the repetition of symbols and situations help bond the lives of the main characters as well as the lives of the masses. Surprisingly, the film is not action-packed but sets an exciting and thrilling pace simply through discourse and careful sequencing while the plot unveils. V for Vendetta is a contemporary allegory worthy of attention for more than its stylistic filming.

Dirty Undies
Well, Portman doesn’t sport a thong a la Closer, but audiences would flock if they knew she dresses in a “Good Ship Lollipop” motif complete with a lacy pink dress, knee high socks and Mary Janes, and let’s not forget pin curl pigtails. Had a few scenes of that image been included in the trailer, the opening box office would’ve increased by another $5 million, easy. Fans of Natalie need not worry about her hairless head; she looks almost sexy enough to bring the Sinead O’Connor cut back into fashion. Those not interested in Portman will be out of luck as Vendetta is devoid of anyone else attractive, unless bloated Brits or gaunt interment-camp prisoners are your thing. The action is good and bloody but occurs infrequently. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the scenes shown are very vicious and violent.

The Money Shot
No doubt, Vendetta has a bone to pick with oppression, and more so with any society that allows oppression to persist. The director cloaks the film in a veil of action and style but Vendetta’s memorable dialogue, contributed by both the vigilante and onlookers, will ring in your ears long after viewing. V for Vendetta can best be summed up by Evey: “Artists use lies to tell the truth. Politicians use them to cover it up.” You should pay to listen to what these artists are saying.