Trailer Trash: The September 10th Quickie

I know I'm throwing around the word "quickie" on the site a lot lately, but I promise it won't always be so. I'm still trying to regain some semblance of normalcy after my crazy long weekend in Atlanta. I have muchos photos to sort and organize into albums. Don't worry, these are not for my eyes only; I'll be sharing soon.

In the meantime, we need to discuss this weekend's box office offerings. According to IMDb, there are seven films opening to some degree or another this week. I'm really only concerned about the two wide releases; who knows when the rest of these will actually see the dark of the matinee in my local theater? Neither film is Earth-shattering, but one will most likely get my money before the other. Can you guess which one?


The Virginity Hit (09.10) I haven't heard much buzz about this film, other than it comes from producers Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, but I'm mildly intrigued. It looks like a cross between Jackass and BBC's The Inbetweeners. Actually, I believe there's an Inbetweeners marathon this weekend. Sorry, movie; you lose.



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Resident Evil: Afterlife (09.10) I've sat through all of the Resident Evil films, the good and the bad, so why would I abandon the franchise now? Granted, I'd sooner stab an icepick in my ear than sit through a 3D film, but I can never have too much ass-kicking Milla Jovovich. Although, if the trailers are any indication, there appear to be more murderous Millas than even I can handle.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

That's a wrap, stargazers! I'm off to enjoy some fried seafood and blues. Hopefully, that will be the kind of comfort evening I need to get fully rejuvenated.

A Quickie: The Expendables

The Expendables


Release: 08.13.10
Rated R
1 hour, 43 minutes


Full Price



Lee Christmas (Jason Statham, The Transporter), Ying Yang (Jet Li, The One), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren, Universal Solider), Toll Road (Randy Couture, Redbelt) and Hale Ceasar (Terry Crews, Idiocracy) are a band of highly skilled mercenaries led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo). Barney's group, the Expendables, is tapped by a mysterious man known only as Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) to overthrow the dictator of a South American island. After a recon gone wrong, Barney and Christmas must leave their rebel contact, Sandra (Giselle Itié), behind. Though a suicide mission, Barney, haunted by Sandra's compassion and most ample bosom, decides to unseat General Garza (David Zayas, TV: Dexter) and the island's true threat, James Munroe (Eric Roberts, The Dark Knight).

For action movies, a single, simple premise can spawn a wealth of carnage, and The Expendables, by writer-director Sylvester Stallone (Rocky Balboa) and writer Dave Callaham (The Horsemen), does exactly that. Sly's Barney is a mercenary with a good heart; his men know this, and will follow him to the bitter end. A speech by the now retired Tool (Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler) adds just enough emotional heft to legitimize the ensuing insanity. The camaraderie between the fellas feels authentic and plays well, even if you can't always hear the witty jibes above the hail of gunfire.

And, oh yes, how the bullets do fly. And knives. And grenades. And bodies. Oh, the bodies. Just during their recon, Barney and Christmas manage to annihilate forty or so of the general's soldiers and they were barely even trying. You can only imagine how much bloodshed there was when the entire team returned, armed to the teeth. It's not all a blur of gunfire and splatter; audiences get to relish at least five mano-a-mano confrontations featuring the various team members.

Dolph Lundgren chews up the scenery as the off-his-rocker Gunner almost as much as Eric Roberts does as the evil mastermind. It's amazing there was any film stock left to shoot the scenes they shared together! On the flip side, the Barney and Christmas rivalry felt like Stallone, the Godfather of action, passing along the torch to the younger Statham. From the ass-whooping scenes Statham was given in The Expendables, he is definitely up to the task.

If you're looking for pure unadulterated action, look no further than The Expendables. Stallone and the crew deliver everything the trailers promised and more. I for one can't wait to see what other great action legends are included in the next edition of the mercenaries' saga.

A Quickie: Eat Pray Love

Eat Pray Love


Release: 08.13.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 13 minutes


Second-Run Seats



Successful writer Liz Gilbert (Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich) is told by a shaman in Bali that she will have two marriages, one short, one long; she will travel the world, and she will lose all her money only to have it come back to her. After this bit of inception for the soul, Liz finds herself in the wake of a terrible divorce and in dire emotional crisis. She embarks on a journey that takes her to Italy, India, and back to Bali in the hopes it will cure what ails her.

I hadn't expected to be amazed by this movie, but I am shocked at how underwhelming and unsatisfying it is. Writer-director Ryan Murphy, who did an excellent job at mining a wealth of emotion from the cast of Glee, finds that this goldmine of inspiration never pans out. As to be expected, Roberts' performance is great; she fights back tears, appears introspective, and opens herself to fun and frivolity. Despite her warmth and openness, the subject material never lets audiences in.

Eat Pray Love is supposed to relate the physical, emotional, and spiritual journey of a woman lost in her life. The experiences, people, and places she encounters should inspire audiences as much as they did Liz. The experiences were underplayed. The people should have provided the main vehicle to display her evolution, but rarely did. There was a plainness in the cinematography that gave these exotic and elaborate locales a mundane appearance.

When Liz finally found herself, I felt more lost than ever. Best I could glean from this film was that the journey to self-discovery involves trading up men, being sure each new love is more handsome and fawning than the last (no offense, Billy). One might argue Eat Pray Love is not a movie men can relate to; I'd argue a truly heartfelt story would have tugged at the soul of any viewer.

The Hump: No. 7

Trailer Trash: The September 3rd Quickie

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You Think I Forgot?

Of course not! For those confused, I did not forget to induct a new member into the Spank Bank. See, what had happened was, I started the lengthy, but quite enjoyable selection process, when other, more immediate concerns surfaced.

First and foremost, finalizing my travel plans to the ATL for DragonCon. I will be off shortly to revel in my own geekery and, hopefully, meet former Spank Bank inductee, Summer Glau.

As you can see, when faced with the decision to either write a new Spank Bank column or meet an actual inductee, the choice is rather easy. I just wish I had some sort of physical trophy to present her in honor of being part of such a prestigious group. Hmm, depending on what that would look like, she may not want it!

But, I digress. The newest inductee will be named next week. In the meantime, Julianne Moore can relish the limelight a little longer. I know I won't mind.

The Hump: No. 18