The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore

For this reason alone, I wish today was OCTOBER 31st instead of August 31st:

The Walking Dead

I doubt this will be as violently graphic as the comic, but I'm sure Darabont will do the series justice.

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Who's Been Here?

Just curious if any of my fellow bloggers have a Reader that looks like this?


I've come close, but I've never achieved the (1000+) before now. I knew I'd gotten behind, but this is friggin' insane! And considering I'll be at DragonCon for the Labor Day weekend, I don't see me making great strides to resolving this situation anytime soon.

When your online life gets bogged down, how do you cope?

MMM: I'm More Atari

Happy Monday stargazers! I'm back in good health, relatively speaking. The pesky summer cold has passed, but has left a metric shit-ton of uncompleted tasks in its wake. I'm pretty sure I had this mountain of work to do before I got sick, but you know how it can seemingly inflate when you're out of commission.

That's neither here nor there. What is here is the Monday Mood Music, yay! Today's selection is the latest from Thomas DeCarlo Calloway. You many not be familiar with the name, but it's just one of many the man has been known by. He started out as a member of the Goodie Mob and later joined forces with DJ Danger Mouse to form Gnarls Barkley. He's portrayed the voice of Reverend Rollo Goodlove on The Boondocks. That unique voice belongs to no other than Cee Lo Green.

The Atlanta native released a new single just over ten days ago and it's been blazing through the internets. I actually stopped it 57 seconds in to tell wifey this was my new jam. That's how quickly I was hooked. Here's the latest single from the mind and mouth of Cee Lo:

Cee Lo Green - Fuck You

I'm off to wrestle this workload into submission. Here's to a great week.

.

FMK Friday: The Siblings of Michael Bluth

Before the final hours of Friday wane, let's crank up another round of Fuck, Marry Kill!

To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

The theme of Round 5, Little Women, Big Guns, garnered a total of seven votes. I was disappointed to see one contender got no love, but the masses have spoken. Let's see which petite pistol-packin' mama; Rose McGowan, Zoe Saldana, or Gabrielle Anwar, murdered the competition:

Fuck Rose,
Marry Zoe,
Kill Gabrielle

Taking a closer look at the votes we see:

While there appears to be a split decision, it's apparent one lady didn't stand a chance.

Fuck Rose or Fuck Zoe: Whaddaya know, voters felt Rose was good to go. There wouldn't have been a tie except I chose to bed Zoe instead of Rose. I agree with Alex of Film Forager, Zoe's way hot and worthy of a toss and tumble, but she's got a cold, impersonal vibe.

Marry Rose or Marry Zoe: Most voted to wed Zoe, but Rose is the total package. She's got the rough and tough attitude with a soft, cuddly exterior. Alex is all about snuggling up next to a warm machine gun leg muzzle as long as it keeps him safe from the zombies. Me, I love a good laugh, and Rose has the makings of a great stand-up comic.

Kill Gabrielle: From this point on, we best all sleep with one eye open. I don't think Gabrielle will be none too happy that she didn't win over our affections. I love Burn Notice and Gabrielle rocks as the trigger happy ex-girlfriend,Fiona. Please don't hurt us, Ms. Anwar.

***

Welcome to Round 6. September is right around the corner and with it comes the new Fall TV lineup. I've watched a good bit of the previews, and these upcoming "events" make my head hurt. At least there are some great shows returning. Still, it got me reminiscing about shows taken from us too soon and the great characters we lost. While the new 2010 shows vie for your affections, let's see how the sibling rivalry from one of TV's greatest dysfunctional families plays out!

Fuck, Marry, Kill

The Siblings of Michael Bluth

From left to right
Lindsay Bluth Fünke; Self-proclaimed activist, Lindsay seems to look for love in all the wrong places. Who can blame her? It's tough to be married to a never-nude, analrapist.

George 'Gob' Bluth II; President of the Bluth Company, founder of the Magician's Alliance, part-time magician and ventriloquist; it may sound like Gob has it all. Really, he's just looking to be intimate with someone besides Franklin.

Byron "Buster" Bluth; Buster's a learned scholar, but a bit of a mama's boy. He may seem socially awkward, but he's got proven skills when it comes to wooing the more mature ladies.


Round 6 will run until September 23rd. That gives you four weeks to decide which Bluth is right for you. A tough decision and one that may come down to whose chicken dance you prefer most.

Choose wisely.
.

The Hump: No. 20

MMM: Wasted on Fixing All the Problems

A good Monday morning to you, stargazers, Well, not so good on my end. After a weekend on the road, I've come back home with that summer cold that's been floating around. Coincidentally, I had a physical this morning and the doctor verified I'm infected with this sinus crud. It should go way quickly, but I don't see myself tackling too much until it does.

In the meantime, you folks need your fix of Monday Mood Music. I decided to chose a British folk rock group that's been burning up my Pod the past few weeks. I'll do the research on these fellas some other time. For now, enjoy:

Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man

Here's to your health! May you steer clear of the summer crud.

A Quickie: Salt

Salt


Release: 07.23.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes


Matinee

Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) is a Susie SuperSpy for the CIA by day, but tries to be little Holly Homemaker to her scientist hubby (August Diehl, Inglorious Basterds) by night. Before she can tie on her apron, she must interrogate a Russian defector, Vassily Orlov (Daniel Olbrychski), who has casually waltzed into the CIA's secret headquarters. Orlov reveals Salt is actually Debbie DoubleAgent planted by the Russians to initiate the heinous 'Day X'. Panicked dinner won't be ready in time, Salt escapes. Agent Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Serenity), a.k.a. Bobby By-the-Book, grabs Salt's friend and coworker, Ted Winter (Liev Shreiber, Manchurian Candidate), and pursues her. The race to stop Salt before 'Day X,' while Salt rushes to save the ham from overcooking.

Okay. Maybe Salt isn't so much worried that she'll burn the pineapple, but rather that her husband has been abducted, but six and half-a-dozen, right? Salt is writer Kurt Wimmer's (The Recruit) mad dash of a story full of twists; some surprising, most obvious. To properly enjoy the story you must first accept that the US Government's most secure agencies have shit hiring practices. More damn Russian spies crawl out of the woodwork than cockroaches from a dumpster.

On the flipside, actual, dyed-in-the-wool, highly-trained 'Mericans can't stop this one woman. Jolie sells Salt's determination and skill, which is why Salt works as well as it does. The fight choreography makes Salt a believable, and sometimes exceptionally violent, ass-whooping wonder. However, the dull chase sequences and watching her survive one impossible jump after another negates much of that excitement.

Director Phillip Noyce (The Bone Collector) creates a decent action thrill-ride by this summer's standards; not saying much given the summer of '10 scorecard. Most disappointing is how the ending begs for a sequel. If the studio had truly been looking to franchise Salt, a more flavorful and unique beginning would have been preferable to post-story pandering.

.

The Hump: No. 52

Vampires Vs. Robots...

In case you were looking to laugh:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

MMM: Guess Who Just Got Back!

Sometimes the Monday Mood Music is a no-brainer. If you're like me and helped to make The Expendables #1 this weekend, this song should sound familiar to you. If you didn't watch it, you need to leave work at lunch and correct your egregious error. Tsk, tsk.

Obviously, I enjoyed the blood bath Stallone & Company provided audiences. I also loved the soundtrack full of good 'ol rock-n-roll.

And good ol' rock-n-roll,like my boys in The Expendables, speaks for itself. So here's Thin Lizzy performing The Boys Are Back in Town, written by lead singer Phil Lynott (check out a nice write-up about him at my buddy's site).

Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back in Town

In case I wasn't clear; go see The Expendables.

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FMK Friday: Little Women, Big Guns

I really need to work on the timing of this post!. Though it's really, really, late in the day, it's still Friday which means we have time for a new round of Fuck, Marry Kill!

To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

Round 4's Wives of Mad Men was quite popular with you stargazers, even if not all of the contestants were. I believe ten votes are the most this feature has had! Time to see which hot homemaker; Betty Draper, Joan Harris, or Trudy Campbell, rules the roost:

Fuck Betty,
Marry Joan,
Kill Trudy

Taking a closer look at the votes we see:

Wow! This is the first time the voting exactly matches the individual tallies.

Fuck Betty: By and large, stargazers would love to bounce around the bedroom with Betty Draper until something, or someone, breaks. I'll admit she's a blond bombshell, but among the three, I'd let bitchy Betty bite the bullet.

Marry Joan: Honestly, who wouldn't want to marry Joanie? The fiery redhead helps bring home the bacon, fries it up, and keeps those home fires burning all night if ya know what I'm saying. You'd all have to fight me to nestle between her ivory pillows every night.

Kill Trudy: To all you voters: don't come crying to me when you've realized what a horrible mistake you made by overlooking Trudy's potential! I am the only one who'd love to take little miss priss from atop her pedestal and give her a proper roll in the hay. You're missing out.

***

So begins Round 5. With The Expendables releasing in theaters today, I started thinking about a few actresses who have recently made a stab at action stardom. Despite the fact they weigh less than the weapons they wield, they're nonetheless determined to make a name for themselves as badass chicks! Annies grabs your guns, and prepare to shoot it out!

Fuck, Marry, Kill
Little Women, Big Guns

From top to bottom:
Rose McGowan; In Planet Terror, Rose proves all she needs is a fully loaded strap-on to fuck anyone that gets in her way. Think you can handle the heat she's packin'?

Zoe Saldana; Though I'm still perplexed as to how Zoe wasn't planted on her ass after firing that rocket launcher in The Losers, there's no doubt she's got the attitude to simultaneously hip fire two of them.

Gabrielle Anwar; She might only weight fifty pounds soaking wet, but as Fiona Glenanne on Burn Notice, Gabrielle's fierce and never without her firearm. A night with her is sure to be explosive, even without her trusty c4.


Round 5 will run for two weeks, plenty of time to decide among these up and coming action actresses. Choose wisely.

The Tantric Jizt: Inception

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Inception



Release: 07.16.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 28 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Note: In the spirit of Inception, this installment of The Jizt will be multi-layered; a jizt within a jizt within a jizt or, to put it more eloquently, a tantric jizt.

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins), Cillian Murphy (Red Eye), Tom Berenger (Training Day)

The Build-up: Desperate to escape his life of subconscious espionage, Cobb accepts an offer from corporate mogul, Saito, to destroy his rival's company using inception.

The Blurt-out: I want to know who ate Tom Berenger and started wearing his skin!

The Jizt: Easily the most inventive premise of 2010, Inception has planted an idea in the minds of studios that will undoubtedly be run into the ground.

"Even though this is a dream, Mr. Fischer, your drink can still be tainted with Jizt."

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Lookout), Tom Hardy (RocknRolla), Dileep Rao (Drag Me To Hell)

The Build-up: Tasked to implant an idea into a person's mind rather than extract one, Cobb and his team construct an elaborate, three-tiered dreamscape to hustle their mark.

The Blurt-out: Arthur never had a cool codename like the Forger or the Chemist, but I dub him the Acrobat because his weightless fighting scenes are awesome!

The Jizt: Watching the succession of kicks that will rouse the extraction team from their chemically-induced slumber is so intense audiences will have bitten their nails down to the quick.

"Dammit, Arthur, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your Jizt in the car!"

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio (Shutter Island), Ellen Page (Hard Candy), Marion Cotillard (Big Fish)

The Build-up: The inquisitive new architect, Ariadne, finds herself to be her team's protector when she discovers the manifestation of Cobb's guilt can threaten not only their mission, but also their lives.

The Blurt-out: Although nothing good can come of Mal's appearance in the dreamscape, her anger-fueled determination is so sexy that imagining her is a guilty pleasure.

The Jizt: While the ambiguous nature of the final scene will leave you wondering if the story ends happily or sadly, the more relevant question is did it end at all?

"Cobb, that is one massive amount of pent-up Jizt you got there."

---cue sound effect---

Flawless Victory!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World


Release: 08.13.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 52 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



After a year of heartbreak, Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist) has finally started dating again. However, his roomie, Wallace (Kieran Culkin, Igby Goes Down) and his band-mates think Knives Chau (Ellen Wong) is just his poor rebound girl and they may be right. While in the midst of 'like' for Knives, a crazy-cute chica rolls out of his dreams and into his reality as Ramona V. Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sky High). Scott is determined to win the heart of Ramona, but her seven evil exes seek to thwart their relationship.

Writer-director Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz) along with writer Michael Bacall have brought Bryan Lee O'Malley's graphic novel, Scott Pilgrim Volume 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (which I haven't read) to glorious, graphically-influenced life. SPvtW has the usual awkward cadence familiar to Wright's previous films; bouts of wildly fun action balanced with witty discourse that result in a sort of stuttering unevenness that strangely works (kinda like this sentence).

SPvtW works for many reasons, but foremost is Wright's stylish mash-up of video games and movies with a dash of Gilliam and a pinch of sitcom for flavor. Watching this had me thinking, Damn, why didn't I think of something this cool?! It's like Wright watched Uwe Boll's House of the Dead and made posilutely sure SPvtW was the exact opposite. Kudos to Wright on casting Michael Cera as Scott Pilgrim; he's awesome. Cera has the lovable slacker, wannabe rocker shtick down cold and works every minute of it in SPvtW. Winstead smolders as Ramona; her vibe instantly conveys why she's the object of affection to so many. Wong is adorably hopeless as Scott's girl.


Even the smaller roles are on point. If you don't know all the actors portraying the evil exes, I won't spoil it, but they all bring a special something to the table (Arrested Development fans will get a huge kick out of one ex in particular). I wish Anna Kendrick (Rocket Science) played a bigger role. While I got a kick out of Aubrey Plaza's (Mystery Team) Julie, she still seems to have trouble being in front of a camera. Clifton Collins, Jr. (Crank: High Voltage) and Thomas Jane (The Punisher) have an absolutely riotous appearance..but I've already said too much. I could spend another two paragraphs praising the cast, but point is they work well.

Dirty Undies
Wright keeps SPvtW fresh by making each of Scott's battles unique. I love a good fight, but if I had to watch Pilgrim clamor through level after level, bruised and beaten, the movie would have gotten stale. Instead, Scott must use both his wits and Street Fighter savvy with each new opponent. Wright cleverly skirts around the severity of Pilgrim's battle-to-the-death scenarios, so squeamish folks need not fret.

Have I mentioned how lovable Cera is as Pilgrim and how lucky he is to score a wicked cute dame like Winstead to be Ramona? Just checking.

The Money Shot
I was as giddy as a schoolgirl from the first time I saw the trailer. Having seen it, I'm ecstatic that my excitement was not misplaced. Despite a few minor quibbles, I will definitely see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World a second time. I'm not sure if I will discover any subtle nuances from multiple viewings, but I'm certain Scott Pilgrim & Co. will deliver the same knockout hilarity every time.

The Hump: No. 79

Double Team'd: One Hill of a Time!

Since I recently gave Jay Baruchel the Whore treatment, I thought it only fair that his buddy, Jonah Hill, get Double Team'd as well. Let's see if his summer movies have fared any better.

Cyrus


Release: 06.18.10 (limited)
Rated R
1 hour, 31 minutes


Matinee



With her wedding to Tim (Matt Walsh, Mystery Team) impending, Jamie (Catherine Keener, Hamlet 2) tries to get her dependent ex-husband, John (John C. Reilly, Chicago), back into the dating scene. After one too many drinks, John is discovered releasing the Red Bull into the bushes by Molly (Marisa Tomei, Alfie). Their connection is electric. As the sparks start to fly, John discovers Molly already has a man in her life: her eccentric, twenty-one year-old son, Cyrus (Jonah Hill, Grandma's Boy).

Writing-directing brothers Jay and Mark Duplass (Baghead) crafted an enjoyable, albeit languid, tale about the courtship between two emotionally dysfunctional people. The slow pacing was made worse by the fact that nearly every pivotal moment had been laid out in the trailer.

The cast gave excellent performances, although I wish Matt Walsh had have gotten a little more screen time. His character wouldn't have added anything to the story, but I just wanted more of him. Hill and Reilly handle the tête-à-tête between their characters superbly. It's never outrageous or unbelievable, but the love both men have for Molly is apparent.

Dirty Undies
I'm wondering if the Duplass brothers meant to capture Reilly's tighty-whitey package so vividly. I don't think I ever expected to see that side of the man. Tomei proves she's still the go-to gal for sexy, older women roles.

The Money Shot
When it was over, I felt there was an entire act missing from Cyrus. The story only touches the surface of the relationships and conflicts between Jamie, John, Molly and Cyrus. Fun? Yes. Wholly satisfying? Not completely.




Get Him to the Greek

Release: 06.04.10
DVD Release: 09.28.10
Rated R
1 hour, 49 minutes


Second Run Seats



Pinnacle Records is in dire need of generating some capital. During a staff meeting, Aaron Green (Jonah Hill, Funny People) has a great idea to infuse the label with cash: throw a tenth anniversary concert with rock legend Aldous Snow (Russell Brand, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) at L.A.'s Greek Theater. Loving the idea, his boss, Sergio Roma (Sean Combs, Monster's Ball), assigns Aaron the task of getting Snow to the show.

While it sounds easy enough, Snow is a drunken, drugged-out, uncontrollable ass. From this, hilarity (mostly) ensues. Director Nicholas Stoller's sophomore project never quite matches the outlandish good time, or the heartfelt emotion, of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Maybe that wasn't what he was going for, but the unwieldy final act says otherwise.

Aziz Ansari (Funny People) and Carla Gallo (40 Year Old Virgin) had brief, but funny scenes. The backdrop was also littered with some decent cameos from the music world. Audiences have said Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs' acting was great. He was wildly funny, but honestly, how hard is it for him to play a self-serving record producer?

Dirty Undies
Greek was chock full of sex, drugs, drinking, but very little rock 'n' roll. I think Snow's ex-lover, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne, Knowing), had the best song, Ring 'Round. By the way, I never thought Byrne was my cup of tea, but she cleans up nice.

The Money Shot
Get Him to the Greek had me cracking up about as much as it had me checking my watch. I think I was more concerned by Jonah Hill's weight than his plight to reinvigorate the career of a washed-up rockstar. (Seriously, Hill looks friggin' huge in this. Not good, dude.) It's a movie I'm glad I got to see, and maybe in ten years, I'd give it an obligatory anniversary viewing.

MMM: 2 for 1 on Moonbeam Jars

Another Monday is well under way and that means it's time for a new Monday Mood Music. This week's selection is a request; kinda, sorta. Over the weekend, the wife and I saw Dinner for Schmucks and The Other Guys, and she thought it'd be neat-o to showcase a great duet in honor of the two buddy flicks.

While I'm sure she'd love to hear some Peaches & Herb or Simon & Garfunkel, there's a more recent record that's been spinning in my head. This tune is befitting sentiments a character from each movie expressed. As Mark Wahlberg's Terry put it, "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!" Steve Carell's Barry chose to misquote John Lennon when he said, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

Both men had dreams; one to be the best detective possible, the other a master of mousterpieces. It reminded me of the latest single by Bobby Ray Simmons, Jr. a.k.a. B.o.B.. His second official single, Airplanes, is a collaboration with Hayley Williams, lead singer of Paramore. On a side note, Paramore kicked off their tour in my town two weeks ago and they were awesome. If they come to your area, I recommend you check them out.

B.o.B. and Hayley's duo is a big hit at the moment. Airplanes talks about wishes and dreams. While there's a few different interpretations as to what it means, it sticks with you, and not in an annoying Hey, Soul Sister kind of way.

B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams - Airplanes

Will this be the week you catch your airplane?

.

Trailer Trash: The August Gang Bang

August is well underway; the summer is waning and the studios are rolling out their last-ditch efforts to wrest your hard-earned dollars. The first part of the month will be front-loaded with all manner of films, but it's up to you to choose wisely.

With twenty-two total releases in August, fifteen of which will go wide during the month (according to IMDB), you may need my help to make an informed decision. Let's get started.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Step Up 3D (08.06) Every time I see this trailer, I wish it were possible to grab a dancer by their outstretched hand and yank them into the theater so the entire audience can collectively beat the shit out of this unholy spawn of dance movies and 3D technology.

Nothing personal, 'Other Asian' from Glee.

Vampires Suck (08.18) At least give these guys credit for not naming it Vampire Movie, though that would've sounded better. My only question is why, Ken Jeong, why? This was really the best project you could find between seasons of Community? I may have to rethink my FMK Friday decision.

Lottery Ticket (08.20) On the one hand, it's got funny fellas like Mike Epps and Brandon T. Jackson and talented actors like Loretta Devine and Keith David. On the other hand, what the hell is up with Ice Cube sporting white novelty hair color while rehashing his only hit movie's pivotal scene (Read: You got knocked the fuck out, man!)?! Run out of ideas much?

Twelve (08.06) What the hell is this; some kind of Less than Zero revamp comprised of a cast of zeroes? Granted, movies centered around drug-addled people have never really been my thing, but I doubt the emotional tribulations of "White Mike" would ever interest me.


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Nanny McPhee Returns (08.20) I guess it was only a matter of time before Maggie Gyllenhaal realized she needed to make at least one movie she could watch with her daughter without leaving the child traumatized. Although I've never seen the first installment this looks kinda fun, and I'd probably check it out if I were ten.

The Last Exorcism (08.27) Never much cared for Eli Roth's spin on horror, so even a project he's producing gives me pause. Exorcisms are the latest classic horror tale to be given the shaky, hand-held documentary spin. While the devilish possession looks wicked cool, the PG-13 rating burns like I was dragged into church.

The Switch (08.20) I've been waiting for the movie that will theatrically redeem Jason "Michael Bluth" Bateman after last year's Extract, and watching him mix up a jizz cocktail from his well after spilling the top-shelf semen has potential. Sadly, much of my hopes dribble down the drain because he must share the marquee with Jennifer Anustain.

"Time to sprinkle a little Pepper Brooks around your rim."

Takers (08.27) Stop me if you've heard this one: an abusive boyfriend, an ex-con and Darth Vader decide to rob a bank. Who do you kill first? In all serious, I'm a sucker for a heist film, so I'll at least slip into the cheap theater for the explosions... and to see if Matt Dillon has better chemistry with the armored truck this time around.

Eat Pray Love (08.13) Rumor has it theaters will be handing out estrogen pills and a strap-on vulva to help men relate to Julia's latest exploits. She'll travel, she'll cry, she'll go Stella Payne on James Franco and, somewhere along the journey to discover herself, Ms. Roberts will discover her wide-mouthed ability to erupt in horse-braying laughter. Audiences everywhere will exhale a satisfying sigh as they embark on their next destination, the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

The Other Guys (08.06) The McKay-Ferrell comedy combo is always a little too idiotic to be a foolproof formula, but I've yet to grow tired of the shtick. All the usual trappings, including a throwback star from the 90s (Keaton), are here. The only risk; pairing Marky Mark with the man-child.

"You're gonna like this guy; he's all right."

Going the Distance (08.27) A likable, boyish-looking actor with thick eyebrows and a friendly smile starts dating a likable, girlish-looking actress with a lisp and a friendly smile. They decide to date, then make a movie, break up, and release said movie. Will their lovey-dovey gushiness translate to the screen or was the film's slap-crappy shtick the beginning of the end? A more appropriate title would have been (5,000) Kilometers of Summer.

Piranha 3D (08.20) I shouldn't want to see this. I hate the whole concept of 3D and this looks like something SyFy would only show in the wee hours of the morning. But I've been waiting for Elisabeth Shue to make her comeback ever since Hamlet 2, and if seeing this opening weekend will make that happen, then consider my ticket boughten.

Moist With Antici...Pation!

Middle Men (08.06) Shut up, just shut up. You had me at internet porn... and Luke Wilson... just not Luke Wilson in internet porn.

"Bom Chicka Wah Wah"

Centurion (08.27 ltd) In Neil Marshall, I trust I'll get an entertaining story. From the mind of the man who brought us Dog Soldiers, The Descent, and Doomsday, Marshall moves up the alphabet to basically pit Romans against Vikings in bloody brilliance.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (08.13) Though I've already seen this, the trailer landed it at the top of my must-see August movie list the first time I saw it (and not just because Mary Elizabeth Winstead is crazy cute). After three less-than-stellar releases, the former George-Michael Bluth is in greater need of redemption than his dad.

"Fight!"

The Expendables (08.13) When I first heard rumors Stallone was assembling all the action badasses into one movie, my cock gave a little twitch. When the trailer premiered, it had my "attention." With less than two weeks before its release, it's becoming increasingly difficult to hide my raging action boner. I suspect you won't want to be anywhere near the Brier Creek 14 next weekend.

"Sploosh!"

***

Sadly, there are still five more limited releases, but I've been pounded long enough for a single stretch. I will say that Gemma Arterton's The Disappearance of Alice Creed and Tales from Earthsea have piqued my interest, so if anyone's seen them, gimme the scoop!

Special Request: Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass


Release: 04.16.10
DVD Release: 08.03.10
Rated R
1 hour, 57 minutes

Matinee



Self-acknowledged high school geek Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson, The Illusionist) decides to dress up as a superhero and fight crime. Had he thought beyond his initial brain fart, he would have realized the streets hit back pretty damned hard. After miraculously healing from his first beatdown, Dave makes a name for himself on the youtube as Kick-Ass. His video escapades draw hundreds of fans, the attention of the highly trained heroic duo of Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz, 500 Days of Summer), and the ire of one seriously nasty crime boss, Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong, Sherlock Holmes).

Given all the buzz surrounding Kick-Ass, I was psyched to see it opening weekend. Though I tried to temper my excitement with low expectations, I still came out of the theater underwhelmed. The pacing was very uneven; long segments of exposition and backstory for particular characters tripped up the rhythm of the action-y bits. The parallels to the numerous superhero sagas that came before (Spider-Man and Batman being the most obvious) were a nice touch, but these nods could only hold my fanboy attention for so long.

It's a shame because writer-director Matthew Vaughn along with writer Jane Goldman are responsible for one of my most favorite fantasy flicks of recent memory; Stardust. I found their adaptation of Neil Gaiman's novel quite enjoyable, though I can't speak to its faithfulness having never read it. But, I digress. Ultimately, I just didn't give a shit for Kick-Ass Dave. He was an idiot who had about as much sense as he did nerve endings. On the other hand, Big Daddy and Hit Girl's relationship was more easily understood; fucked up, certainly, but strangely sympathetic. Even the motivations of Chris D'Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Role Models) were understandable, though his evolution into Red Mist was neglected.

Dirty Undies
There's been much ado about the violence of Kick-Ass, and really, it's about nothing. Sure, some people might not like watching a twelve-year-old girl shoot, stab and beat the shit out of criminals while cursing like a sailor, but the low quality CG was more upsetting than Hit Girl's home training. Kick-Ass tried hard to be gritty and real in the beginning, so why did it devolve into a cartoonish bath of blood and appendages?

The Money Shot
I've heard such glowing praise for Kick-Ass I can't help but second guess my initial impression. The plight of Dave and the dangerous duo offers a refreshing spin on the heavily saturated superhero genre. While I know I'm going to watch it again, the film still won't kick as much ass as Hit Girl.

The Hump: No. 40

MMM: That's Where I Be

This week's selection has been on my mind since Sunday morning. Well, I am assuming it is still on my mind this morning since this post was actually written Sunday morning. Crazy wibbly wobbly timey wimey post thing.

Today I am relaxing on the beach so what better choice for a Monday Mood Music than one of the greatest beach songs of all time! I'm sure everyone has heard this song, because it's been covered by tons of artists. The question is, have you ever heard Under the Boardwalk performed by the original artists, the Drifters? It was recorded back in 1964 and though the song and the band have gone through many, many variations, it's still a great groove.

While I get out of the office and out of the sun for the next couple of days, I hope you enjoy:

The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk

New review postage will be MIA for a bit. I hope you can hang in there until my return.

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The Spank Bank: Julianne Moore

I don't usually post on a Sunday, but I've committed to inducting a new member into the Spank Bank at the start of every month, so here we are. Aside from having the distinction of being August's deposit, this actress will also be the highlight of the LAMB Acting School 101 this month.

There are a lot of things that makes this special lady friend, well, special. I am most proud she is a fellow North Carolinian (represent!). She was born at Fort Bragg in Fayetteville, affectionately known as Fayette-nam. It's not clear how long she lived in the state, but her career is proof positive that goodness grows in NC. I do know she broke into the acting business in the early 80s, but it wasn't until the late 90s that she started receiving mad props.

Today, and throughout the month, let us show our appreciation for August's Spank Bank inductee:

Julianne Moore

The First Time My Eyes Met: Technically, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle would have been the first movie I ever saw her in, but I don't think I was old enough to appreciate the talent before my eyes. Still, I find it funny her role as Marlene Craven was just a supporting one, yet she's the only actress from the film whose career is still going strong.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: Jump forward three years to Assassins, and Julianne captures your attention as Electra, the computer hacker with the fetching green eyes. She may have gotten lost in Stallone's shadow, but who could forget those pigtails?

Sexiest Movie: Ms. Moore has had quite a number of sexy roles over her career, but Dr. Catherine Stewart is on a whole different level. If you haven't seen Chloe, stop reading now, rent it, watch it and once you've cooled down, you can come back and finish this post.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: For a long time, I was upset Julianne was associated with the Psycho remake. Then, Freedomland came along. Psycho wasn't bad, just wholly unnecessary, but even her great performance as Brenda Martin isn't reason enough to watch this mess.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Yes, yes the little Lebowski supporting role and proud we are of all your scenes. The number of times I have quoted Maude is incalculable, Also unforgettable is her ten-pin Valkyrie getup (pigtails, again). Another role that proves Ms. Moore is a good actress, and thorough.

My Biggest Regret: Back in 2003, Ms. Moore was doubly-snubbed for an Oscar by the Academy. I've seen Far From Heaven, but after costar Nicole Kidman nabbed Best Actress, I vowed to never watch The Hours. I now regret that decision because no one should deprive themselves of Julianne Moore's performance.

Her Winning Feature: Duh, she's a redhead! Whether it's long and luxurious, frayed and frizzy, rolled into a bun, or Heaven help us, in pigtails; her ginger locks draw us in like a moth to a flame.

If I Could Walk In His Shoes: I'd have to step into the platform shoes and bell bottom jeans of Eddie Adams, a.k.a. Dirk Diggler, from Boogie Nights. Coitus with a pornstar in a room full of onlookers might be awkward, but having Amber Waves whisper to cum inside her would have to be a serious ego boost.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Ms. Moore currently has five upcoming projects, but Crazy, Stupid, Love is the only one with any details at IMDb. Moore's presence is enough to pique my interest, but casting of other reliable actors such as Steve Carell, Marisa Tomei and Ryan Gosling has me wondering when can I buy my ticket.


My Dream Of Working With The Fantabulous Ms. Moore: Honestly, I don't have a specific dream I associate with Julianne Moore. All I know is that I would love to have a hand in the movie that wins her the Oscar she sorely deserves. Even better, produce two films in one year where she could win both the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress Oscars. How would the Academy like dem apples?

The major role should be the biopic of Margaret Sanger. Julianne could capture the fervor and overcome any controversy that might be generated from the champion of birth control. Julianne could be cast as one of Ted Kennedy's wives for the supporting role. She'd probably have no more than five minutes of screen time, but she'd blow away critics and the competition.

She blew Jack Donaghy's mind and she was only giving it 50%. If Julianne were to be riding a career-defining, double-winning high, I doubt I would survive the hurricane of celebratory ecstasy Julianne would unleash.

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