I Love It When a Movie Comes Together!

The A-Team


Release: 06.11.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 57 minutes


Full Price



When a mission in Mexico goes south for Templeton 'Faceman' Peck (Bradley Cooper, The Hangover), Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson, (Taken) recruits the aid of disgraced Ranger B.A. Baracus (Midnight Meat Train) and pilot H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock (Sharlto Copley, District 9), to complete the job and pull Peck's ass out of the fire. Eight years and eighty successful missions later, the guys are unofficially recruited for a black ops mission; a mission that goes, to put it lightly, badly. The A-Team, now incarcerated in separate maximum-security installations, promptly escape in an effort to clear their names.

Given the formulaic nature of the A-Team television series, the camaraderie of the cast had to be on-point to attract audiences. And for nearly one hundred episodes, it was. The great thing about the feature length movie is Neeson, Cooper, Jackson and Copley strike that same harmonious chord. Mind-bending missions, thrilling chases, and daring escapes work so well because the foursome jibe and antagonize one another as if they were genuinely the best of friends.

A relationship that doesn't work onscreen is between Peck and Sosa (Jessica Biel, Stealth). There is a complete lack of chemistry. An exchange in a photo booth between the two was uber-creepy instead of romantically tense. Maybe the extreme close-ups during that sequence failed to capture any emotion, but I fear there wasn't any spark to film. Given that Sosa is external to the guys' plight, she can easily be written out of future installments.

Dirty Undies
With respect to the thrill factor, director Joe Carnahan (Smokin Aces) has a above average handle on crafting an action flick. That said, my one quibble, one that I often have with contemporary action movies, is once you set the bar for a certain level of over-the-top scenarios, don't exponentially surpass those constraints. Case in point? The finale, which strains even the most liberal reality.

The uneven quality of the special effects and choppy edits plagued many of the outlandish sequences. At times I was caught up in the riptide of hard-hitting action while other times, the shoddy look of the scene took me totally out of the moment. It didn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the A-Team; it's just something to be mindful of in future installments.

The Money Shot
Children and adults of the eighties know all too well that if you had a problem, if no one else could help, and if you could find them, maybe you could hire the crack commando unit known as the A-Team. Hollywood reached out to these boys and they have rescued the summer box office from being a complete wash.

Bent Until Nearly Broken

The Last Airbender


Release: 07.01.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 43 minutes


Second Run Seats



In a world of martial arts and elemental mysticism, the four kingdoms, Water, Earth, Air and Fire, live in harmony. While members of each nation are masters over their respective elements, balance is maintained by the Avatar; a person capable of controlling all four elements. When the Avatar vanished, the Fire Nation waged war. One hundred years later, Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone, Twilight) of the Southern Water Tribe have stumbled across a boy and his flying bison frozen in a sphere of ice. Once young Aang (Noah Ringer) thaws and proves himself to be the last Airbender, it isn't long before word spreads that the Avatar, and the world's last chance for peace, has returned.

The Last Airbender is based on the award-winning animated Nickelodeon series, Avatar: The Last Airbender, created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The adaptation was written, directed, produced and fucked by M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in the Water). Twenty episodes of mythology to draw upon and yet the man couldn't even regurgitate the story in a compelling way! As a fan of the series, maybe my expectations were too high, but I can easily set my qualms about his reimagining aside to criticize the plethora of other problems.

Casting is the obvious issue. I didn't buy into the racist spiel/media hype surrounding his choices. I didn't care the Water Nation was comprised of white folks; I did care that not a single cracker could act their way out of a wet paper sack. In more than one scene, Katara seemed to read lines off a cue card. Aang wasn't much better. It wasn't just the kids. I love the comedy of Aasif Mandvi (The Proposal), but Commander Zhao is an unhinged badass, not a man with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare. It's like he wanted to exclaim, "Look Ma, I'm in a big boy part!" The only smart casting choice Shyamalan made was not putting himself in the movie.

The film's budget was definitely dumped into the special effects and it shows. Appa, the flying bison and Momo, the winged lemur looked great, even if they were only set decoration.

Dirty Undies
To the good, the action sequences were decent, just way too showy. If all benders spent that much time posing and articulating to manipulate the elements, a quick gut punch or kick to the groin would end most battles before they start. All the flourishes were probably meant to keep the PG rating rather than explore the mystical world of bending.

Even though a healthy dose of action can overcome the worst acting, it can't make up for a jumbled plot. Shyamalan crafted a few shot-for-shot scenes, but left the spirit of the series on the cutting-room floor. Levity is one of the most important elements to the cartoon. Aang's childlike innocence is infectious. It serves as a counterbalance to the serious, anger-driven motives of the Fire Nation. Shyamalan also spent far too much of the story's runtime relying on character voice-overs to explain backstory. You know, the medium of film can also be used to create these wonderful things known as flashbacks. Next time, use them instead of boring the audience to tears with exposition.

The Money Shot
I hoped The Last Airbender would be the beginning of a fantasy franchise I'd actually care to follow. I also thought it would restore my faith in Shyamalan's skills as a director. I can safely say that I won't waste another dollar on future installments as long as Shyamalan is at the helm.

The Hump: No. 32

MMM: Crazy Coinkidink

his morning I woke up with a particular song buzzing in my head. Maybe it was planted into my subconscious by my radio as I dozed off last night, but considering the station my bedroom radio is currently dialed to, I doubt that is the case. Either way, I immediately knew this would be my Monday Mood Music.

So how freaky is this? I settle in to dig up a video and do a little background research and what do I discover? Today's artist has a new album dropping this week! Crazy coinkidink? Possibly. It makes me want to post the new single from Kylie Minogue's eleventh album, Aphrodite, but I will instead stick with my original intention.

Though not featured today, check out her new single, All the Lovers. Not being able to embed the video had NOTHING to do with my decision. What is the big deal about embedding videos, anyway? You'd think artists would appreciate the free advertising. But I digress.

Whether she's singing catchy pop-dance music or making appearances in movies like Moulin Rouge! or shows like Doctor Who, I quite enjoy the diminutive Aussie. She's had quite a life; she's appeared on soaps as a child, released nearly a dozen albums, performed at the 2000 Olympics, survived breast cancer, and shows no signs of stopping. There's so much to say about Ms. Minogue. Instead, let's just listen to the song rattling around my brain:

Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out of My Head

As a bonus, here's a steamy commercial Kylie filmed for Agent Provocateur lingerie which was banned for some crazy reason:


By sight or by sound, I'm sure you won't be able to get Kylie out of your head for the rest of the week.

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The Spank Bank: Paul Rudd

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Trailer Trash: The July Gang Bang

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed June's releases. That may have had something to do with only seeing two of the eleven releases last month. Was it a fluke or a sign of great things to come? Only July will tell.

This month brings ten major releases (according to IMDB). I'm definitely far more excited by these prospects than the past couple of months, but there is still some shady-looking fare out there trying to pass itself off as entertainment. Let's take a look.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (07.30) Fuck me, Hollywood? No. Fuck you!

Despicable Me (07.09) I wasn't sure when this was billed as an evil genius out to take over the world. I still wavered when it was two masterminds competing for the world. I'm dumbfounded to see the villain will also be raising some orphans. Complicated much? I expect audiences will react like this:

Charlie St. Cloud (07.30) This looks to be an extremely emotional tale with its success teetering on Zac Efron's hunky shoulders. The story appears painfully dull and predictable. When forced to decide between playing with your brother's ghost in the woods or getting some snatch on a boat, it's all hands on deck.

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Ramona and Beezus (07.23) Ramona is an imaginative tyke and this appears to capture her creative spirit without making it annoying or stupid. John Corbett and Josh Duhamel will be extra hot as they show their softer, child-rearing side. Pervs can be happy Selena Gomez will be 18 when this opens, so drooling over her won't seem so skeevy.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice (07.14) Jay Baruchel is determined to be the next Hollywood go-to-guy by perfecting the Orlando Bloom-Pirates formula. While it's smart to hitch your star to Disney, his success hinges on the Curse of Cage's Long Hair! Will Cage's mop be long and greasy enough to reach Con-Air greatness, or will it choke the movie in Next and Bangkok Dangerous absurdity?


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Salt (07.23) Based on the results of my summer movie poll, there is some serious Anti-Lina sentiment in the air. I don't know; I'm digging the thrilling pace and ass-kicking of Salt. It's like Jason Bourne with boobs. I can't hate on Angie; who knows when I'll be sent back in time to the set of Hackers to play out my Acid Burn fantasy.

The Last Airbender (07.01) I'm a fan of Avatar: The Last Air Bender. I'm giddy to see Aang master Water, Earth, Fire and Air on the big screen even if the action-heavy promos lack the goofy innocence that makes the series great. The big gamble is trusting Shyamalan-a-dingdong's storytelling after he bro raped me with the Crappening.

Dinner for Schmucks (07.30) After hearing this premise, I half-expected this would get bumped to early 2011 release. Now that I've seen the supremely silly trailers, I think this will be the must-see summer comedy. Rudd and Carell look to have great chemistry and who wouldn't want to see Zach G sporting a dickie?

Predators (07.09) How am I supposed to believe a rag tag bunch of thugs, led by Adrien Brody, will survive a battalion of Predators when Arnie & his team of brick shithouses barely made it? Hard to swallow, but I'll still go hoping for two things:

1) To see Danny "Fuckin" Trejo rip the head off one of these bitches.
2) To watch a Predator peel Brody like a banana.

On equal footing? Seriously?

Inception (07.16) Trailer after trailer and I'm still not exactly certain I understand the premise. That's okay. I actually prefer going into a movie blind rather than being spoon-fed the highlights. Nolan's a trusted source for entertainment and just look how cool this poster is:


It didn't hurt it also stars Marion Cotillard. The lady would melt you like hot butter on breakfast toast.


***
If you were looking for my The Twilight Saga: Eclipse rundown, that was technically a June release. Here's to a great Fourth of July weekend and, fingers crossed, an enjoyable month at the movies!

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(500) Posts This Summer!

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