The Hump: No. 87

A Day for Hot Sexy Mamas and Cool Prima Donas

Good morning stargazers! In case anyone is over the latest and greatest music in the world as lauded last night by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, I've opted for a classic jam today.

I have two reasons for this selection. The first, most obvious one is that it is Valentine's Day and what better day for a love song. My second reason is that I've spent the better part of my weekend reinstalling my operating system after a pesky virus wormed its way into my PC. My little machine is finally functioning again (as you can see) and with one more evening of work, it will once again resemble its former self.

PC problems over the Valentine's weekend. That's why the single Computer Love by 70's funk and soul band Zapp & Roger is today's Monday Mood Music. It was released over twenty-five years ago, but it's still a groovy joint. Enjoy!

Zapp & Roger - Computer Love

With this frustrating speed bump behind me, I'm glad to be able to return to my blogging duties. If I suffer no more set backs (fingers crossed) I can finally start cranking out my overdue 2010 Confessions.

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Trailer Trash: The February 11th Quickie

Damn! Who opened the floodgates? Week after week in 2011 we've been treated to a couple of major releases along with a couple of limited features for you lucky, select-city livin' stargazers. However, this week IMDb announces an astounding five new releases, only one of which is limited. Granted, upon closer inspection you'll notice these are perhaps the worst batch of offerings from Hollywood to date. It's similar to scraping the used coffee grounds from the bottom of your trash can and then brewing it, unfiltered, to serve to your guests at your Oscar party.


Just Go With It Did you know this is a remake of a 60's film which was based on a French play? Neither did I. This version uses boobs, crotch humor and Adam Sandler to coax money from men. Women have the romantic underdog Jennifer Aniston and cute kid stuff to charm them. Neither celeb has made a movie worth watching in two years, maybe longer if you're not as generous as me. Hype aside, this looks as painful as taking a 2'X4' to the nads.
 
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Gnomeo & Juliet Do you even need me to trash this, a movie about fucking garden gnomes? Oh, sorry, a Shakespearean classic adapted for the life of fucking garden gnomes. If you've already planned to see this, who am I to recommend your commission to an insane asylum? I'll be the first to admit my cinematic vices, but if this is yours, please seek help.



Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.



Cedar Rapids (limited) Speaking of cinematic vices... I dig Ed Helms and John C. Reilly can (but not always) be funny. There's also a ton of other funny folks littering the landscape of Cedar Rapids. If I'm fortunate enough to see this open in my area, it's not the worst thing I could spend money on.





Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Eagle I try to base my opinions on the trailers, but have you seen this poster?! What's with Channing Tatum and his confused-and-constipated look? How far he's fallen since She's the Man. Poor Jamie Bell keeps begging for a hit, but I hate to tell him, this won't be it. As far as epic tales go, a lost-and-found mission isn't exactly gripping cinema.




Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.  


Justin Bieber: Never Say Never I urge you all to NEVER pay money for this. Never. Bieber, discovered in 2008 and unleashed upon the world in 2009, now has a movie, nay, a 3D movie, about his life and stardom. Apparently, crazed fans couldn't be satisfied with his 240-page biographical picture book. If Justin had been true to his roots, this film would have been released on YouTube instead of in theaters.


But I shouldn't hate; the trailer points out that he's "just like you and me." Um yeah, Hollywood, what's the release date for my 3D biopic again? 
 
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


I don't think my tender movie bits are ready to be lambasted by these limp offerings. Thank goodness for Netflix.

The Hump: No. 94

MMM: It's About Time

It's funny how things work. Although I didn't intend to do this, it was one year ago to the week that I featured this particular group in the Monday Mood Music. I only realized this as I looked back to reference the post.

At the end of that post, I asked my stargazers if you considered yourself fans or haters of the Black Eyed Peas. Based on some of last night's Facebook updates, it appears there are many haters out there. I enjoyed their halftime show. Granted, the poor mic management, bad camera angles, and Usher's strange, watch-me-dance intrusion kept it from being outstanding. The BEPs stage show was meant to be a spectacle for attendants in the arena, and unfortunately Fox couldn't wholly capture that effect. It felt like they were just trying to keep up with the BEPs.

Haters can hate all they want; I'm just happy there was a halftime performer that didn't demand a basket of Ensure and a set of Matlock DVDs for their green room. I'm just saying... Here to bring a little young blood into your week is their latest single. Enjoy:

Black Eyed Peas - The Time (Dirty Bit)

Besides, if you want to criticize anything from last night, let's hammer those piss-poor Chevrolet ads! And shouldn't that fucking E*Trade baby be in college by now?! Can someone please Benjamin Button his ass into non-existence?  

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Trailer Trash: The February 4th Quickie

Another week, another set of new releases out to capture audience attention. IMDb lists a couple of limited releases opening today, but unless you live in Los Angeles or New York City you'll only have your choice of  two major releases. Luckily for me, my second-run theater is overflowing with interesting movies. If you're not so fortunate, there's always one of these...


Sanctum James Cameron, Titanic, Avatar, 3D; all buzz words used to sell audiences on rushing to see this. The only thing you can trust is the 3D will probably be better than the usual crap offered. However, Cameron didn't direct and this ain't got nothing to do with sunken ships or big-ass, blue aliens. Think an episode of Man Vs. Wild meets Daylight, minus Bear Grylls nomming on a pâté of bat excrement.
 

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Roommate Any time of year is a good time to release a watered-down remake. But wait, this cutie-laden, PG-13 thriller isn't actually touting itself as a remake of Single White Female. How that's possible? Hell, the crazy bitch even brings home a cat to bond with her new roomie! Granted, it was a puppy in SWF, but is that change sufficient to forgo paying John Lutz his due? Not even gratuitous Aly Michalka cleavage can make us overlook such a blatant rip-off.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


You've got less than a week to vote on my latest FMK so get on that. As for me, I'm going to get on some cheap, second-run movies!

The Hump: No. 77