Trailer Trash: The February 11th Quickie

Damn! Who opened the floodgates? Week after week in 2011 we've been treated to a couple of major releases along with a couple of limited features for you lucky, select-city livin' stargazers. However, this week IMDb announces an astounding five new releases, only one of which is limited. Granted, upon closer inspection you'll notice these are perhaps the worst batch of offerings from Hollywood to date. It's similar to scraping the used coffee grounds from the bottom of your trash can and then brewing it, unfiltered, to serve to your guests at your Oscar party.


Just Go With It Did you know this is a remake of a 60's film which was based on a French play? Neither did I. This version uses boobs, crotch humor and Adam Sandler to coax money from men. Women have the romantic underdog Jennifer Aniston and cute kid stuff to charm them. Neither celeb has made a movie worth watching in two years, maybe longer if you're not as generous as me. Hype aside, this looks as painful as taking a 2'X4' to the nads.
 
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Gnomeo & Juliet Do you even need me to trash this, a movie about fucking garden gnomes? Oh, sorry, a Shakespearean classic adapted for the life of fucking garden gnomes. If you've already planned to see this, who am I to recommend your commission to an insane asylum? I'll be the first to admit my cinematic vices, but if this is yours, please seek help.



Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.



Cedar Rapids (limited) Speaking of cinematic vices... I dig Ed Helms and John C. Reilly can (but not always) be funny. There's also a ton of other funny folks littering the landscape of Cedar Rapids. If I'm fortunate enough to see this open in my area, it's not the worst thing I could spend money on.





Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Eagle I try to base my opinions on the trailers, but have you seen this poster?! What's with Channing Tatum and his confused-and-constipated look? How far he's fallen since She's the Man. Poor Jamie Bell keeps begging for a hit, but I hate to tell him, this won't be it. As far as epic tales go, a lost-and-found mission isn't exactly gripping cinema.




Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.  


Justin Bieber: Never Say Never I urge you all to NEVER pay money for this. Never. Bieber, discovered in 2008 and unleashed upon the world in 2009, now has a movie, nay, a 3D movie, about his life and stardom. Apparently, crazed fans couldn't be satisfied with his 240-page biographical picture book. If Justin had been true to his roots, this film would have been released on YouTube instead of in theaters.


But I shouldn't hate; the trailer points out that he's "just like you and me." Um yeah, Hollywood, what's the release date for my 3D biopic again? 
 
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


I don't think my tender movie bits are ready to be lambasted by these limp offerings. Thank goodness for Netflix.