As our must-see TV returns and wallets are sealed tight in the post-holiday days, many folks will not be heading out to the theaters. It's a good thing since most of the films releasing in January stink like a bag of month-old trash.
As usual, I will be using the list of new releases at IMDB. Not usual, I am streamlining my opinions of the films greatly. The end product may be rough, but how smoothly can a gang bang be, really?
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Bride Wars (01/09) What's scarier than yet another wedding slapstick? Having to look at Kate Hudson's frozen cat-eye expression for an entire film.
My Bloody Valentine 3-D (01/16) Trailers hype the lame-o 3-D effects way more than the Valentine's Day gimmick. Why wouldn't they open this horror flick in February on Friday the 13th..oh, that's right.
Notorious (01/16) You can only push so many posthumous greatest-hits albums before you need a new gimmick to keep sales going. No-no-no-not gonna see it!
Hotel for Dogs (01/16) Four kids and a too-old-to-be-a-teen Kyla Pratt round up hundreds of stray dogs and house them in an abandoned hotel. The SPCA and Sarah McLachlan can't be happy about this.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (01/16) It's January's staple Happy Madison production, only it's rated PG with Kevin James. Are we sure this is a Happy Madison film?!
The Uninvited (01/30) That weirdo Elizabeth Banks killed our mom and we're next! Why won't you believe me? Yeah honey, good luck with that.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Not Easily Broken (01/09) Actual official website quote: "Not Easily Broken is a powerful movie!" - Tyler Perry. Not powerful enough to stop him from making movies.
Defiance (01/16) WWII films based on true events are like cockroaches; one scuttles out and more are sure to linger. Defiance's acting and action make it look better than the other one (Valkyrie).
Inkheart (01/23) Rings, Potter, Narnia, Spiderwick, hmmm...How about adapting a book series about books?! They've kept Walden Media away so success has a slim chance.
New in Town (01/30) Great supporting cast makes Renée 'Lemonface' Zellweger's Sandra Bullock-styled rom-com look surprisingly tolerable.
Moist With Antici...Pation!
The Unborn (01/09) Gary Oldman-certified creepy-child flick should be scary fun. At least it can't be worse than Godsend.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (01/23) The subtitle says it all: Rhona Mitra + Tight Outfits = Rise of the Lycans!
Taken (01/30) Liam Neeson's back, baby! He's out to prove all ass-kicking spies don't need to be spry Bourne-Bond types. Look's like he'll make his point.
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All that said and done, we all know where I'll be this weekend; watching Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino! I think you should, too.
Wow. There is really not much out there for January. Good time to catch up on my Blockbuster queue - next three: Burn After Reading; Ratatouille; and Pineapple Express.
ReplyDeleteShouldn't Ratatouille been like required viewing for you?! I'm looking forward to what you thought of those 3. Very different selections.
ReplyDeleteI'm not terribly looking forward to any of these films, except for possibly Taken, which I think looks kinda bad but wildly enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteAside from The Unborn, I was being generous with my "Anticipated" choices. I think Darkman will tear it up with mucho cheese factor.
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