Save the Slut, Save the World.

Transporter 3

Release: 11.26.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes

Matinee ($$$)


The Transporter, Frank Martin (Jason Statham, Death Race), is semi-retired, choosing to be more selective of his jobs. When his replacement 'stops by' his home and 'gives up' the gig, Frank awakes to find himself employed against his will. Fitted with an explosive bracelet that tethers him to his car, his only choice is to follow orders and deliver the package, Valentina (Natalya Rudakova), whenever and where ever Mr. Johnson (Robert Knepper, Hitman) instructs.

Though the director changes (it's now Oliver Megaton) the story stays virtually the same thanks to the writing of creators Robert Mark Kamen and Luc Besson. Like before, a simple job agreed upon under Frank's simple rules doesn't quite go to plan. As one character quips, "With you (Frank), it's always complicated." Transporter 3's stunts are especially complicated and barely plausible. The grandeur of the road chase on two-wheels and the BIG thug fight is instantly familiar as old Bond ploys. The train battle isn't nearly as ludicrous as Steven Seagal, a la Under Siege 2, with his speed-walk escape from the cascading explosion, but it's pretty close.

Even so, my biggest issue is with the premise that Frank's bracelet goes boom if he is farther than 75 feet from his car. I'm thinking that was a metric-to-standard conversion mistake. The intent had to be 75 meters. Otherwise, Frank and his package's arses would have painted the streets red ten times over. But that's the great thing about this series and over-the-top action in general; if you leave your brain at the door and just let the adrenaline rush consume you, it's great.

Dirty Undies
Statham's badass performance as Frank keeps you hyped. As a bonus he somehow manages to go shirtless not once or twice but four times! One of these tattered shirt, rippling muscle moments occurs during an intense fight sequence with Valentina watching. As Frank busts heads, Valentina's cute freckled expression transforms beyond bedroom eyes into fuck-me-raw-on-the-hood-of-your-sweet-ride eyes. At that moment I understood why Rudakova was chosen as Transporter 3's hottie. The action, while unbelievable at times, was still packed with excellently sequenced chases and fights with a smattering of explosions for good measure.

The Money Shot
Since producers are determined to turn Bond into a serious-natured commodity, action fans must turn to films like Transporter 3 to get that quick fix. As the holidays approach and theater screens become inundated with the emotionally heavy, award-hopeful fare, Transporter 3 is that serving of comfort food that helps leave those worries at the door.

"Forever. Begins. Now." - Oh, How True.

Twilight


Release: 11.21.08
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 2 minutes


Second-Run Seats ($$)



With her mom and stepdad traveling the country, Isabella "Bella" Swan (Kristen Stewart, The Messengers) returns to her hometown of Forks, Washington to live with her father, Police Chief Charlie Swan (Billy Burke, Untraceable). The aloof Bella receives a warm welcome in high school, but feels drawn to the odd Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). The strange boy and stranger attraction draws Bella into an inhuman world. As her romantic fantasy with Edward becomes real, an outsider, James (Cam Gigandet), chooses Bella as his next murder victim.

I haven't read the Twilight series. I tend to dislike movies if I've read the book first. For perspective, I accompanied a Twilighter (a fan of the series). We both agreed the movie really makes you want to read the book - just to have proof the tween phenomenon is not as bad as this adaptation. Like to hear why? Here it go:

During the first half, Bella's angst and yearning is impenetrable. Bella is greeted warmly by the most diverse group of students ever for a town with a population of 3,125. Bella, in return, is rudely indifferent to the Mouseketeers, repeatedly turning down invitations and ignoring them. Unbelievably, their onslaught of kindness never falters. When Edward shares the screen, the duo mostly share intense eye contact. Their occasional snippets of conversation end abruptly and cryptically. At one point, Edward confesses to Bella he can read everyone's mind except hers. That's because she has the personality and aptitude of a doorknob. This budding romance is so frustratingly slow that even the camera goes insane; it's like riding a carnival Orbiter on a dreary day.

Having to establish the prevailing series arc doesn't help the pacing either for director Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen). Several characters are irrelevant, but need introduction for the inevitable sequels. The excruciating slowness picks up after the one-hour mark when Bella and Edward finally reveal their love and he, his secrets. Edward manages to stop looking nauseated around Bella and she actually smiles; both improve the tale by leaps and bounds. If you're like a few from my screening, it won't matter because you've left long before the climax.

Dirty Undies
This barely deserves its PG-13 rating. Their love is a chaste one, though the then under-aged Stewart is a little agressive. Us adults are free to stare at the other 'high schoolers'; the glittering chest of Pattinson or the slight cleavage of Anna Kendrick (Rocket Science) is about all the heat this steamy tale musters. The climatic final battle was pretty exciting, with a little blood and some insinuated brutality. It probably wasn't that great, but I was feening for a fight fix after sitting this long.

The Money Shot
Hardwicke portrays Bella as a strong, independent young woman, the one thing my Twilighter buddy found improved from the needy character in the books. If you, like me, are one of the contributors to Twilight's huge opening box office, I feel your pain. If you haven't anted up yet, save your money. Us dupes have helped to greenlight the sequel; I only hope we'll know better next time.

MMM: There Can Be Only One!

One thing I enjoy most about the Monday Mood Music, aside from sharing my many favorite performers and songs with you, is always uncover interesting facts I never knew.

This week's selection was specifically written for a movie soundtrack by this great rock band. The film was most likely my first introduction to this band and their music still remains on our wePod today. On a side note, this particular film features Sean Connery, winner of my Favorite Bond poll. (don't forget to vote on the new poll!)

But my love for Connery and Highlander has nothing to do with this mood music selection. On this day, November 24, in 1991 Farrokh Bulsara, better known as Freddie Mercury the lead singer of Queen, died from bronchial pneumonia resulting from AIDS (wiki). It's really a shame he is no longer with us. I'd like to think were he here, he would still be touring with the energy of the Rolling Stones and not resigned to make album after album of covers.

In honor of Freddie Mercury's passing seventeen years ago, here's Queen with Princes of the Universe from the Highlander soundtrack:

---

Bourne...Jason Bourne - Sorry, my mistake!

Quantum of Solace


Release: 11.14.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 41 minutes


Matinee ($$$)



Picking up shortly after Casino Royale, James Bond (Daniel Craig, Layer Cake) brings the villainous Mr. White in for questioning. After an attempt on M's life (Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal), White escapes and Bond is in hot pursuit. The trail leads to the environmentalist Dominic Greene (Mathieu Almaric, Munich) and his lover Camille (Olga Kurylenko, Hitman). Bond must go rogue, disobeying MI6 orders, to prove Greene is part of a larger conspiracy known only as Quantum.

Bond 22 kicks off like a good Bond film should; with an action packed adrenaline rush that flows into the title sequence. The title sequence, a sandy silhouette of Bond, bullets and curvaceous babes was extremely satisfying for this fanboy. From there, the film continues with an action-heavy front end, though much of those scenes are an unrecognizable blur. One particular fight sequence instantly reminded me of the Bourne series. First, I blamed director Marc Forster (Monster's Ball) for being unable to shoot action properly; having to rely upon a frenetic, indiscernible flurry of shots. Ironically, my research uncovered that second unit director Dan Bradley was hired specifically for his previous Bourne work. Many PG-13 films tend to rely on blurred action to keep the film short while maintaining a faux brutality. Personally, I'd rather have stretched the run time of Quantum over two hours if it meant clearly-shot fight sequences and well framed chases.

Speaking of time, Casino Royale may have clocked in an hour longer, but Quantum felt just as long. The beginning action had to diverge into a lengthy exposition of Bond, Camille and Greene's stories to give the climax the proper umph. Craig still approaches Bond as a no nonsense, unstoppable force of reckoning. Kurylenko played Camille as stubborn, her story tragic, and she pulled off the anger and sympathy while still looking amazing. Dench played the normally unshakable M with a tinge of vulnerability at the thought of a powerful, secretive society right under her nose.


Dirty Undies
Car, plane and boat chases, highlighted by plain ol' ass-whoopings were plentiful, even if the action was a jumbled mess more often than not. Kurylenko was oh so hot, even with the barely explained scarring. My friends would have preferred to have seen more Gemma Arterton (and I assume her character), but Kurylenko was the appropriate fit to match Bond's fixated and hurried pace.

The Money Shot
I like the homages in Quantum; the Universal Exports business card and the Goldfinger scene helped to remind me this was in fact a Bond film and not some Shooter, Bourne or Transporter wannabe. The superb acting, story and the few allusions to Bonds of yore make Quantum of Solace a formidable addition to the 007 history. I, with five friends in tow, went into Quantum with expectations high. When we all exited expressing similar misgivings about the dark direction of the series, it couldn't let it go unmentioned. Bond has been a spy of unparalleled prowess for decades, it's time he starts to act like one.

***

Creative Suggestions
I feel the conclusion of Quantum leaves the door open for the series to see a return to familiar ground. Here's a few things that will make this Bond fan extremely happy:

1) Hire a director that can balance well-developed story telling with coherent action sequences.

2) Get some new writing blood so you can lighten (just a bit) the weighty emotional turmoil of the characters.

3) M needs a Miss Moneypenny, if for nothing more than to give Bond a softer, more playful side.

4) We need a nearly unbeatable henchman. A big, burly mutha that Bond can't smackdown in five to seven seconds. He doesn't need any steel-rimmed hat or metal teeth gimmick, he just needs to present a challenge that can't be removed with fists.

5) Bring back the quips! A Bond is only as good as his banter and ability to laugh in the face of danger. I'm not saying go all "Snowboards and California Girls" on us, but a little fun is acceptable.

6) How about Bond have better gadgets than a cell phone that takes really great photos? Again, the car doesn't have to turn invisible, but can we get a tear gas pen?

AND

7) Major Boothroyd a.k.a. Q must not be absent any longer! Hiring Ricky Gervais or Simon Pegg is a bit of overkill for such a small role. Might I suggest Alan Tudyk of Firefly fame or that naked stand-in from Love Actually, Martin Freeman. A charming fellow along these lines will help soften the rugged exterior of Craig-Bond. This, EON Productions, is non-negotiable.

Huh, huh, You Said "Poll" (11.20.08)

Wow! It pays to have a question worth asking. After dismal participation in my Ugly Betty poll, my James Bond poll yielded the highest participation to date; and ran for a fraction of the time! If you don't recall, I wanted to know which actor was your favorite Eon Productions' James Bond. With a total of 15 votes, here's the breakdown:

0 Votes:

Pierce Brosnan, George Lazenby and Roger Moore got no love from the masses! Lazenby I totally understand given his single film turn. I don't get all the Brosnan haters. Like my buddy Will said, folks loved him when Goldeneye released but once Casino Royale opened folks were like, "Brosnan was shit!" Fine, be a fair weather Pierce fan, but there is NO EXCUSE for the lack of Roger Moore love. Sure, he was campy and he rarely did his own stunts, but damn if he didn't look and age better than Connery during his Bond stint. Plus Moore was smooth as butter with the ladies. For shame, people. For shame.

1 Vote:

Timothy Dalton did get a single vote, but I assume someone's mouse finger slipped. Seriously, this man managed to re-energize the series in his first installment and murder it on his reprisal. To each his own I suppose.

3 Votes:

Daniel Craig came onto the scene swinging in Casino Royale and managed to score 3 votes solely on that performance (the poll closed before Quantum opened). I had my doubts monkey-face would have the sex appeal and swagger to pull off Bond, but he brought all that and more to his debut. Tune back in tomorrow to see how I thought he fared in his reprisal.

And the Winner, with 11 Votes:

Sean Connery blew away the competition. Damn straight! Connery set the tone for all Bonds to follow. He was suave and sophisticated, but wasn't afraid to beat a mo fo down, be it a nasty villain or sexy dame. Rugged and irresistible, he was the damn man.

I didn't vote in this poll. I have a rule of thumb about Bonds; the only great ones have made three or more films. That's right. You can't accurately judge a Bond on a couple of films. Sometimes Bond must be more debonair than destructive while others require tact more so than muscle. It can be difficult to balance all those elements in a single story. I have equal love for Connery, Moore and Brosnan. Connery is the no-nonsense original; the ultimate alpha male. Moore was the smooth operator; melt her panties instead of ripping them off. Brosnan brought class to the camp and sharpened the dulled edge of the character. I have much love for Craig, but until he turns in one more installment, he shall not attain true Reel Whore love.

*** New Poll ***

Enough with the Bond love...for now. It's time for a new poll to adorn my sidebar. I'll make this one simple. Everyone's heard the buzz about Frank Miller's The Spirit. Since its Miller's directorial debut I can't miss this film's debut. Still, my spidey-sense is tingling (I'd say I've got the whore itch, but that's just nasty). Anywho...

I'm wondering if we're seeing this Christmas release as not a sign of confidence in the product but as counter programming to Oscar potentials? How will The Spirit move you? Will The Spirit reach new levels of awesomenicity, will it sucka donkey balls or do you not give a damn? The poll will be up for a few weeks.

A Quickie: WALL-E

WALL-E

Release: 06.27.08
DVD Release: 11.18.08
Rated G
1 hour, 38 minutes

Second Run Seats ($) <
> Matinee ($$$)

The little robot that enamored summer audiences is now available for daily appearances on DVD. WALL-E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth-class) is the only functional robot left on Earth to clean the mess left behind by the populace's ultra-consumptive addiction to Buy N Large products. One day a ship lands leaving behind EVE (Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator). EVE makes WALL-E swoon; shirking his duties to follow her around even if it takes him to strange, uninviting reaches of the galaxy.

To me, WALL-E was instantly relatable. He took pride in his work, liked to collect nice things and watched movies in his spare time. Watching this dedicated little creature have his life turned topsy turvy in his courtship of a special lady friend is endearing and, dare I say, cute. When that adorable, budding relationship deteriorates into a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em chase plot with a heavy-handed green planet morality I lost all interest in WALL-E, his love story and the fate of humanity.

From all the rave reviews WALL-E garnered when released, its obvious many folks didn't take as much issue with the climactic third act as I did. Even my quibble with the awkward story shift is far from enough to make WALL-E unwatchable. It is, after all, a Pixar production which exist on a whole different level of excellence. Even if you're turned off by the conflicting premises WALL-E encounters, it'll be impossible to resist the lovable lugnut.

A Quickie: Cloverfield

Cloverfield

Release: 01.18.08
DVD Release: 04.22.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 25 minutes


Matinee ($$$)

I think I can safely say I'm one of the last movie buffs to see this flick. It was always the next movie to watch at the theater, which then became the next movie to rent from Netflix. Now, it's safely on its way to another renter's home.

In a New York City high rise, Rob (Michael Stahl-David) enters an apartment full of friends. Lily (Jessica Lucas, She's the Man), and her boyfriend, Rob's brother, Jason (Mike Vogel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre) have organized a going-away party for Rob before he jets off to a new job in Japan. Rob's best bud, Hud (T.J. Miller), is documenting everything using a camcorder. They've even invited Rob's unrequited love, Beth (Odette Yustman, Walk Hard), who shakes things up. What really shakes things up begins in Lower Manhattan. The party deteriorates as the Big Apple comes under siege by forces unknown. As the city is evacuated, the friends must double back to rescue Beth and avoid being caught amid the destruction.

It's always nice to be reminded of all the beautiful people enjoying entertaining parties in the city that never sleeps. For that, you can probably thank director Matt Reeves's Felicity experience. The premise is a twist on the old Godzilla movies, only it exclusively follows the flight of a group of individuals in lieu of the city-wide panic. The jittery hand-held camera action was tolerable (mostly), but I couldn't help but cry bullshit more than a few times during the unfolding devastation. Hud repeatedly stresses the need to document the horrific events so people will understand what occurs. Personally, there comes a time in the escape--say, when I am trying to fend off attackers or when I'm attempting to traverse the roof of a near-collapsed building--that I'm going to say fuck posterity and shut the gorram camera off. Obviously, doing so would ruin the gimmick of the film and is therefore why the camcorder rests in the hands of the functionally inept character.

Overlooking that sticking point, Cloverfield is suspenseful and unrelenting. My only other issue is that Beth needed rescue sooner as she is way too sexy to be absent from this herd of hotties for so long. If you're looking for a decent adrenaline rush and can leave the expectation for realistic sensibilities and valid explanation at the door, Cloverfield is just the ticket.