Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Call me Snake...

Last week I was minding my own business, working on my post when out of the blue a comment pops into my inbox. Piper of Lazy Eye Theater left a message that ended in those ominous words, "you've been tagged." Seems that Piper was watching Rhona Mitra in Doomsday and her eye patch got him to thinking about Snake Plissken. Piper wanted an answer to the burning question, "How did Snake Plissken get that eye-patch?" I promptly put the meme logo in my sidebar and began to work, scouring the world for an answer. It ain't a pretty one folks, but it's the God's honest truth!

"You look thirsty, Shelby! Hahaha!" It was the last thing Shelby Dwayne Plissken heard before the whoosh of the swirling toilet water flooded his ears. Every day it was the same. He was ridiculed, bullied and beaten by the bigger kids in his class. It didn't faze him much. His pops, Big D, dished out a pummeling worse than all these kids combined at least once a week, twice if his overtime pay afforded him an extra case of PBR. Besides, he could suffer one more swirlie...he'd have a two-week break from them soon, thanks to Christmas. Proof there is a God.

Even with the two bully-free weeks before him, he was still unhappy. He was sick of walking home with his soaked shirt freezing to his skin. It's not like his tattered jacket provided any actual warmth. The only warmth in his miserable life was the bright smile of fellow outcast, Star. Star was a wisp of a girl who had it even less together than Shelby. That didn't bother her. Star only cared about three things: searching for insects and rodents in the park, watching the Lone Ranger with her buddy Shelby, and her dingy rubber snake that she clung to like most girls cling to their baby dolls. Teachers and counselors had tried to pry the springy yellow toy from her time and again without luck. The snake was a gift from her mom and it reminded Star of the family's pet python; the one her mother occasionally used at her night the late-night pet shop.

The toy snake's body swung wildly from Star's mittened hand as the duo shuffled home to get warm by the TV. Suddenly Star let out a piercing scream as Shelby's gaze, and nose, quickly met the pavement. The world erupted in laughter as Donnie and his boys encircled the odd couple. "We couldn't just let you head home for Christmas without giving you our present, Shelby," Donnie bellowed. Shelby rolled to his side and he saw Donnie standing before him. Two of his boys held a kicking and clawing Star. The weaselly looking one, Walter, twirled the toy snake in circles. Shelby felt the frozen shirt crack from his skin as Donnie dragged him to the curb. Shelby's distorted reflection stared up at him. A puddle full of of oil, crushed slush and cigarette butts taunted Shelby as much as the boys did.

Crack! Shelby's head spun as Donnie slammed his face beneath the pothole's icy surface. The cold forced a gasp from Shelby. He couldn't tell if the burning sensation was a shard of ice or a piece of glass he accidentally swallowed. Just as the light dimmed, the cold afternoon air crystallized his face into a grimace of pain. His eyes were frozen shut, but his ears could hear Star yelling the most profane things at Donnie. "A girl shouldn't say such things. Hand me her toy, Walt. Let's see if we can't choke the meanness out of her." Star's screams were replaced by a gurgling noise.

At that moment, Shelby could only see red. He dragged himself to his feet, scraping the ice from his lids. Through blurred vision he found Donnie, back turned, chuckling and leaning over Star. With all his might, Shelby slammed into the bully. The momentum stumbled Donnie, freed Star, and sent two of the boys sprawling to the ground. "Ssshhhtop it you asssshh!" The combination of the cold and his jagged throat made Shelby's words ragged.

"Ooh, we've made him mad by messin' with his sweetie," Donnie taunted. Shelby charged. Then there was Donnie's arm swinging, a blur of yellow, and the vision in Shelby's left eye went from red to black with the sharp pop from the rubber. He spun to the ground from the pain. Shelby could never remember what happened next. He remembered only a broken piece of curb near his hand. He heard the agonizing moans of Walt as Star landed a kick to his family jewels. He wiped a lot of blood onto the front of his tattered jacket before heading home.

He got a beating from Big D for ruining the holidays. It apparently costs a lot of money to lose an eye. His pops reminded him that his eye-patch was his only present. Shelby knew it wasn't. When he went back to school after the break, he didn't receive another swirlie and he didn't get belittled for his patch. This was the Christmas he got respect.


Now the toughest part. Even though this is the ONLY verified account of Plissken's patchin', Piper wants to hear the yarns other folks are a-spinnin'. He said specifically:

Here's the assignment:

1. Explain to the world The Impossible Truth Behind Snake Plissken's Eye-Patch. Could be a one word sentence (pussy) or could be a seven page novella (boring). Whatever you choose, but tell us all why Snake got the eye-patch.

2. Tag five bloggers asking them to create their own stories about the eye-patch.

3. Of course link back to Lazy Eye Theatre so that people know where this originated. And to those of you who got tagged by someone other than me, post your link in the comments section, I would love to read what you came up with.

I pass the torch to the following bloggers:

Blake at Bitchin' Film Reivews
Fox at Tractor Facts
Karl Hungus at karlhungus
Nayana at The Center Seat
Reel Ninja at The Reel Ninja

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Okay, don't judge. But I've never seen Escape from New York...

    I'm on my way to rent it right now though, so... I'll jump right on this tag as soon as I know who Snake Plissken is.

    Also, I owe a DVD, and I know where to get a good copy of [REC], so send me your address at and I'll get one on its way.

  2. Oh crap!!! This is gonna be tough, but we will see if I am up to it.

  3. @blake: Don't feel bad. You'd be amazed at some of the classics I haven't seen. I had to watch Escape from NY just to remind myself what it was all about.

    @Fox: You can do it! (Ugh, I can't believe I just channeled Rob Schneider.)

  4. Snake never lost his eye. He never had it to begin with, he's descended from One-Eyed Willy.

  5. Shelby? I fucking knew it.

    Very good work on this. Truly an original. And as you said, this is the official explanation.

  6. @Karl Hungus- LOL!

    @Piper- Thanks. It was a toss up between Sidney or Shelby. He just seemed like more of a Shelby?