Friday, March 13, 2009

Squidward Never Gets Invited to the Party


Release: 03.06.09
Rated R
2 hours, 43 minutes

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!

In the city, a Comedian laughs one final time as he is murdered. In a research lab, an irradiated scientist worries that the Russians may begin a nuclear holocaust to end all humanity, not realizing that he is slowly losing his own. A retired hero pines for a return to his former glory and past friendships. A brilliant entrepreneur works to end man's reliance on fossil fuels in the hope of ushering in a new era of peace. A lover's patience is pushed to the limits while her heart is pulled to another man. All the while, one man in a mask stalks the streets exacting justice and searching for answers to a conspiracy only he imagines. These are the Watchmen. They watch over us. The question remains:

Who Watches the Watchmen?

The answer:

Audiences who...

...are fans of comic books.

...enjoy serious, thought-provoking superhero films; the antithesis of The Fantastic Four.

...can tolerate the somewhat stunted acting of Malin Ackerman (27 Dresses).

...can forgive the haphazardly applied aging makeup.

...drool uncontrollably over astounding special effects.

...can vibe along with a phenomenal soundtrack.

...miss the eighties, and watching Max Headroom (Matt Frewer, Dawn of the Dead).

...always felt Nixon got a bum rap.

...enjoy seeing men and women in form-fitting latex suits. watching violent and deviant acts perpetrated on their fellow man.

...try to see every film Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children) ever released.

...have bladders and tailbones that can withstand the pressure from three hours of sitting.

...can stomach bones snapping and people popping like overinflated luftballoons.

...want to know what Patrick Wilson's (Lakeview Terrace) ass would look like after ten years of marriage.

...want to see what kind of pipe the Blue Man Group swings under their turtlenecks. a little softcore action mixed into their R-rated movies.

...don't care that Hitler's pissed they deviated from the original ending. (Spoiler Link!)

The Money Shot
The original graphic novel illustrates how superheroes in all their virtue, would realistically act when accounting for their accompanying vices. Zack Snyder's (300) theatrical version may not follow every detail to the letter, but the spirit is ever-present. The few corners cut in making the film keep it from being the best superhero movie ever, but they weren't terrible enough for me to knock it down to a Full Price rating.

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. I think Malin Akerman is getting judged harshly - she may not be the best actor (she's no PW or JEH), but she wasn't given a whole lot to work with. In the graphic novel, Laurie was such a shrew and I think Zack tried to reign that in and didn't really leave her with much to do.

  2. Thx for the link RW.

    The movie did cut corners but I was entertained and the spirit of the original was still there.

    Why are you ragging on Malin? She did alright to me. Like Friend Mouse said, she was not given a lot to work with.

  3. I am a little harsh towards Malin and probably shouldn't be since she wasn't given much to work do. In every movie I've ever seen her in, there's always a a scene or two where she struggles and Watchmen was no exception. She wasn't terrible on the whole, and I probably do scrutinize her more due to her track record.

  4. I'm with Friend Mouse. I'm not gonna mistake Malin for Meryl anytime soon, but she seemed just fine to me (and, of course, just plain fine).

    Yeah, this flick seems right up your alley, Wayne.

  5. Maybe that's my issue Fletch, I find Malin a bit too scrawny for my tastes.