URGENT MEDICAL NEWS BULLETIN
Fuck the H1N1 virus. Allergies ain't got nothing on this. We're on the verge of a pandemic, people!
After days of complaining about irritation and unstoppable scratching, I took my wife's advice and conducted a self-exam. Close inspection revealed that I've got cinematic crabs! That's right, I got Flik-Itch! I managed to pick off a couple but it did little to help. Check out these vicious lil buggers:
Symptoms started presenting shortly after I snubbed X-Men Origins: Wolverine last weekend. Not only did I fore go watching the first big summer movie, I didn't even opt for the counter-blockbuster programming, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Instead, I pissed away the weekend sifting through my DVR, hanging with friends, and, of all things, doing yard work. Needless to say, by Tuesday the itch for summer blockbusters was unbearable.
The only cure for Flik-Itch is summer movies. Any affected party should apply copious amounts of mindless popcorn flicks liberally at least once a week.
With repeated application, symptoms usually subside quickly. Continued usage will cure Flik-Itch within three months. Flik-Itch has been known to subside within two months, but ironically only when the available medication produced is of inferior quality. At this time, doctor's are hesitant to speculate which strain, malignant or benign, this season may bring.
To be safe, I intend to slather on an IMAX-sized dab of Star Trek immediately before I scratch my ass raw! I suggest you do the same.
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