Friday, May 1, 2009

Trailer Trash: The May-09 Gang Bang

We've dragged ourselves through the dregs of spring movies and now Summer 2009 looms before us. We've got some studly-looking blockbusters in the line up, but we also have some slap-crappy sequels no one asked for. I'll save my lambasting for below.

Those who keep up know I promised to review all the March releases, and I'm still delinquent. Lucky for me, the final two should be opening at the cheap theater shortly. Don't say I never follow through on a promise, no matter how excruciatingly painful.

Summer '09 doesn't look to be off to a bad start. It's not a great start either, but we'll make due. Here are IMDB's May releases, ranked from worst to best for your reading enjoyment:

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Dance Flick (05.22) How many Wayanses does it take to make a funny spoof movie? Evidently, more than are working on this one. I can slam this all day, but fact remains it will make money, and crappier sequels like Sing Flick and Cheer Flick will come oozing forth like the icky baby in the trailer.


Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian (05.22) Dear Amy Adams, I'm sorry I won't be attending your latest flick. It's not that I don't love you; after all, I did see Underdog to hear your voice. It's Ben Stiller's uncanny ability to make films insufferable. Dear Hank Azaria, I'm sorry I won't be attending your latest flick. It's not that I don't love ...

Up (05.29) Pixar thought a non-speaking robot on an apocalyptic Earth was a hard sell; how about a crotchety old man in a floating house? If it's one thing kids love, it's animated movies about elderly people. I remember how my little sister scurried to the TV every Saturday to watch the Grumpy Old Men cartoon.

Management (05.15) Hollywood just doesn't release enough romantic comedies about stalkers. Watching Steve Zhan and Woody Harrelson make with the funny would make it worth watching... if I didn't have to sit through Aniston's entire cache of pissy and pouty Rachel expressions.


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Angels and Demons (05.15) This Ron Howard-Akiva Goldsman-Tom Hanks reunion has one major advantage over The DaVinci Code: I've never read this book. Considering how badly they raped that story, I should be running for the hills. Then again, Ewan MacGregor costars and that great smile can overcome even the worst scripts and hairdos.

Battle for Terra (05.01) How sad is it that one line uttered by James Garner sold me on this? The animation looks pretty solid and the story has been getting good buzz. Besides, right about now I'm up for any animated flick that doesn't come from Pixar or Dreamworks.

Ghost of Girlfriends Past (05.01) People know Jennifer Garner's crooked mug usually sends me running away. However, the glistening chest and teeth of Matthew McConaughey draw me in like a moth to the flame. Seriously though, I'll sit through this rom-com for a chance to see Emma Stone outshine the lot of them.


Next Day Air (05.08) The mix-up between slackers and drug lords has this flick looking like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Brothers. Either the trailer is cut really well, or this actually shows promise. I like Mos Def and all, but when did he become 'AND' cred worthy?!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (05.01) I've seen this trailer SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... Fans of the film Clue should recognize that great line, but it is also how I feel about this damn film. A clue is what Fox should get because they are trying to market this with alternate endings a la Clue in squeeze more money from us. Even if I had seen the bootleg version (wink, wink) I would have still gone to theaters for a proper viewing, but since Fox has to be such dicks about it, they can sit and spin on Wolverine's adamantium claw.

Moist With Antici...Pation!

Drag Me to Hell (05.29) Sam Raimi makes damn good horror movies. Justin Long is a pretty funny guy. Alison Lohman is a vastly underappreciated actress in both talent and cuteness. That's three reasons to see this. You need one more? That old hag looks hysterical and terrifying at the same time!


Terminator Salvation (05.21) Can someone please explain to me how the actual battle for humanity scores a PG-13 rating when its non-war predecessors are all R-rated? I've had a good long cry about it, and I'm still stoked to watch Christian Bale smoke some metal ass. If only they'd worked a way to insert Summer Glau, then I'd be standing in line right now.

Star Trek (05.08) Another advert I'm sick of: 'Not your Father's Star Trek.' Shatner's not in it so it can't possibly be the same. I'm one of the few who doesn't believe J.J. Abrams is God's gift to sci-fi. Still, this looks fucking awesome. If it lives up to even half of what the trailer promises, it will boldly go where the series has not gone before.


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Here's a fun fact; rising star Anton Yelchin is in both Star Trek and Terminator Salvation. If only he'd be cast to play Yorick in the upcoming Y the Last Man film instead of the LaBeouf, I'd be as happy as a little girl!

Large Association of Movie Blogs

2 comments:

  1. I hadn't heard a thing about that Harrelson flick, but I think I want to see it based on that still alone.

    Love the entry for Night at the Museum. And for Up. The Grumpy Old Men cartoon sounds like teh awesome...

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  2. I could resist using that Harrelson image. I want to see it for he and Zhan, but Aniston doesn't look to be bringing much to the table in Management.

    After I said it aloud, I wish there had been a Grumpy Old Men cartoon!

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