07 of '09: Confessions Part VII

I'm sure many of you are cursing my name for withholding the Sexiest Actress of 2009 winner, but as you can see it was well worth it:

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Marion Cotillard

She wowed us all with her feminine wiles in both Public Enemies and Nine. As Contini's wife, Luisa, she performs a demure, somber tune about her husband. Later, she unleashes her womanly fervor in angry rejection of said husband's ways. In Public Enemies, she doesn't get to sing and dance, but as Dillinger's girl, Billie Frechette, she was the sexiest woman in any room. Even when that room is the police interrogation room where she pisses herself. That kind of love and stubbornness is commendable, and sexy.

Next up is

Award #11: 2009 Dirty Undies Award

Those who frequent the Reel Whore know that I enjoy any film that gives me something dirty to talk about. I try to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film, though it's getting harder in this kid-friendly, PG-13, over-the-pants-hand-job most films aspire to nowadays. Still, there are a good number of films that give up the goods. This award commends those films steeped in Dirty Undies.

The Sloppy Seconds:

The Last House on the Left; Life is Hot in Cracktown; My Bloody Valentine 3-D; Observe and Report; Watchmen; Zombieland

And the winner of the 2009 Dirtiest Undies Award is:

Crank: High Voltage

If you've seen Crank: High Voltage, you know no other film had a chance of procuring 2009's Dirty Undies honor. Once you get over the unbelievable premise, settle in for a ninety-minute adrenaline rush. Chev Chelios treats audiences to brutal killings, crazy ass-whoopings and an unbelievably ridiculous, yet amazingly entertaining PDS (public display of screwing)! Crank: High Voltage is an exercise in excess and though moments will have you shaking your head in disbelief, it delivers where many films fall short.

Every year, I like to point out the movies that I feel were misjudged. A handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars despite being mediocre. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2009.

Severely Underrated	Most Overrated
Black Dynamite	G-Force
A Perfect Getaway	Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
World's Greatest Dad	Coraline

Now that all those awards are out of the way, only one order of business remains.

Drumroll please!

It's taken seven days but I now present to you...

Award #12: 2009's Best and Worst By Genre:

Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the best film of the year, the two also-rans, and finally, the single worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.

ACTION

Best: Black Dynamite Sloppy Seconds: Crank: High Voltage Sloppy Thirds: Taken Worst Attempt: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

Despite Crank: High Voltage being the undisputed winner when it comes to Dirty Undies, Black Dynamite's hat tip to the blaxploitation genre hit every campy note perfectly and still managed to deliver the hard-hitting action. Ironically, Taken, while intensely unrelenting, slipped into third place by being slightly unbelievable (within its context, that is).

I hope for great things for Kristin Kreuk's career, but alas, it did not happen with Street Fighter. Maybe this blemish on her record will not keep her from bigger and better in the new decade.

COMEDY

Best: The Hangover Sloppy Seconds: I Love You, Man Sloppy Thirds: World's Greatest Dad Worst Attempt: Miss March

I'm still not convinced that The Hangover is better than Todd Phillips's Old School, but I can say without reservation it is the funniest film of 2009. I am a sucker for the adorableness of Paul Rudd and Bobcat Goldthwait surprised me with his darkly comedic tale, but they can't compete with a masturbating baby named Carlos.

Miss March was not only the worst comedy of 2009, it's easily the worst movie of the year - and you loyal readers know how I love to watch some shit. So you can imagine how bad this is.

DRAMA

Best: Precious Sloppy Seconds: Inglorious Basterds Sloppy Thirds: Moon Worst Attempt: The Soloist

My shortlist for drama featured six moving films. I wanted to expand the category to feature them all, but that would not be fair to the remaining genres. You really can't go wrong with any of these choices, but of all three Precious will stick with you long after you leave the theater.

The Soloist wasn't a horrible movie. On the contrary, it was watchable with decent performances. With all the excellent contenders in 2009, it just wound up being at the bottom of the pile.

HORROR

Best: Zombieland Sloppy Seconds: Drag Me to Hell Sloppy Thirds: Paranormal Activity Worst Attempt: The Haunting in Connecticut

This year's entrants for best horror were all tough contenders. While I could have easily nominated five great flicks, Zombieland was the cream, the sweet, delicious Twinkie cream. Zombieland and Drag Me to Hell both blend comedy and horror phenomenally. Paranormal Activity may seem comical until those final minutes scare the shit of you.

I've beat The Haunting in Connecticut to death over how piss-poor it is. This is your final warning: going to see this may make you vomit ectoplasm like its star.

ROMANCE

Best: (500) Days of Summer Sloppy Seconds: Adventureland Sloppy Thirds: Shall We Kiss? Worst Attempt: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

While drama was full of solid film, I was scratching the bottom of the barrel to find quality romantic films. (500) Days of Summer, while not without its flaws, stars such charismatic actors that it edges out its competition.

On the other hand, Matthew McConaughey might want to lay off the bud when reading scripts. Little about this movie made sense and the characters were thinner than the dollar you wasted on seeing it.

SCI-FI/FANTASY

Best: District 9 Sloppy Seconds: Watchmen Sloppy Thirds: Avatar Worst Attempt: G-Force

I'm sure more than a few people are surprised to see District 9 as my top selection. Let's face it; if it weren't for the great effects, Avatar would just be another long-ass fantasy movie. Watchmen, while good, was also a little too long for its own good. District 9 tells a great story on a tiny budget and comes in under two hours!

Talking guinea pigs that have to save the world isn't a terrible idea in and of itself. The fact that they have to save the world from Transformer-esque killer home appliances is just mind-numbingly inane.

THRILLER

Best: A Perfect Getaway Sloppy Seconds: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans Sloppy Thirds: Law Abiding Citizen Worst Attempt: Knowing

A Perfect Getaway is the kind of movie you just need to rent for a good thrill. Don't ask people's opinions; just rent it and enjoy the twists and turns.

Oh, Nicolas Cage, how is it you can make so many bad, bad movies and not be forcibly removed from Hollywood? I guess it's because you also do great films like Bad Lieutenant. I'm sure there's some statistics equation out there, but my guess is for every three craptacular flicks like Knowing, you toss us an enjoyable bone. Why can't that work the other way?

There are always a few films that don't fit into my set genres. In 2009, four films were excluded from my established genre count. These films were: Michael Jackson: This Is It; Food, Inc.; Good Hair; and Every Little Step. All four were excellent films and I recommend them highly.

***

That's all I wrote, folks. Agree? Disagree? Indifferent to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my 07 of '09, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films was your best.

Thank you all for stopping by to enjoy my site. I've already started my 2010 list; I can't wait to see what films are the best of the best this year!

07 of '09: Confessions Part VI

The end is nigh! Tomorrow marks the end of my 07 of '09: Confessions of a Reel Whore. My favorite films of 2009 will get the attention they deserve. But today, there are two very important categories that must be awarded. Shall we?

Award #9: 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award for Most Memorable Line

The Paula Jai Parker Award recognizes the most memorable line delivered in a movie. It honors the combined wittiness of well-written dialogue with unforgettable delivery by an actor.

Many of you may be wondering, who is Paula Jai Parker? She's an underappreciated actress who's been on the big screen for over a decade. In the context of this award, she nabbed it not once, but twice in a row. In honor of her efforts, I renamed it in 2006 in her honor.

Looking back, 2009 seemed to be a thin year for great lines. There were some great moments, but few were rich enough to make the final cut. Here are 2009's nominees.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) "When you left me, I left Earth. Does that not show you that I care?"

Zombieland - Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) "You're like a giant... cock blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab."

Black Dynamite - Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) "Doughnuts don't wear alligator shoes."

Taken - Bryan (Liam Neeson) "Now's not the time for dick measuring!"

The Brothers Bloom - Penelope (Rachel Weisz) "I think you're constipated, in your fucking soul... I think you might have a really big load of grumpy, petrified poop up your soul's ass."

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Mr. Fox (George Clooney) Whistle. Click. Click.>

And the winner of the 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award is:

Observe and Report - Saddamn (Aziz Ansari) "Why the fuck would I want to blow up the Chick-fil-A? It's fucking delicious!"

As always, I abstained from commenting on the great lines. They speak for themselves (pun intended.) If you've never heard or don't remember these lines, my advice is to rent or buy these flicks immediately and be entertained.


Award #10: Sexiest Actress of 2009

Those familiar with my Confessions may have noticed a bit of a switch up in the format this year. Usually I follow up the Sexiest Actor award with Sexiest Actress award the following day. This year, I opted to save the best lovely ladies for last. Actually, I've been giving you a heads up all week. Each daily banner for my confessions featured one of 2009's Sexiest Actress nominees. In case you weren't paying attention, let's recap.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Margarita Levieva- In Adventureland, Lisa P. is the hippest hottest girl. She's the object of every man's desire, but she's got her eyes set on the dorky James. The fact she looks gorgeous in those hideous 80's styles is only icing on the cake.

Julianna Guill- While she only has a small part as Bree in Friday the 13th, it is unforgettable. In what amounts to an extended soft core scene, she rocks Trent's world while Jason watches.

Patricia Clarkson- In Whatever Works, Marietta's transformation from Bible-thumping southern belle to sexually enlightened New York artist is tantalizing. She attracts men like honey attracts flies. Congratulations, Ms. Clarkson, for being nominated two years running!

Jessica Biel- Rose Johnny is an exotic dancer who works the pole to keep her infirm son on life support. Easily the best performance of Biel's career; too bad most people will only ever see her sultry stripping scenes.

Eva Mendes- Even as Frankie, the junkie escort in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Eva still manages to be hotter than Louisiana hot sauce. There isn't a man around who wouldn't want to sample this spicy lady.

	Scarlett Johansson- It doesn't take much for Scarlett to play sexy, and in He's Just Not That Into You she doesn't hold back. Anna bats her long lashes, tosses her curly locks, and throws her curvaceous, bendy yoga-teaching self all over Ben, making us all wish we had a 'best friend' like her.

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're not ready. Those six ladies are so sexy, you just might explode if you see our winning Sexiest Actress! Reel Whore will kick off the final day of Confessions with our stunning award winner. Don't miss it!

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07 of '09: Confessions Part V

Hard to believe we're already up to Day 5 of my 2009 Confessions! Time flies when you're having fun, and recapping my 07 of '09 has been a blast.

The past few days I've focused on the actors and characters of 2009. Today let's switch things up, focusing on those hard-to-forget movie moments. I'm talking about that one moment in the great films, and even those barely tolerable ones, that'll make you want to sit down and watch them all over again.

Award #7: Most Memorable Movie Moments of 2009

Given all the films I see year after year, it takes something pretty amazing to captivate my attention. Surprisingly, every once in a blue moon, even the lamest of films do make a lasting impression. The following award recognizes the best 07 of '09 moments that I still cannot stop thinking about.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Gypsy Curse. Pfft! Beware the Gypsy Gumming! (Drag Me To Hell)

Mrs. Ganush feels shamed when Christine denies her loan extension. When she shamelessly attacks Christine in her car, the gloves and the dentures come off in one raucous altercation.

Don't Stop to Ask, You've Found a Break to Make at Last... (Watchmen)

If you think Rorschach was a badass, watch as Nite Owl and Silk Spectre annihilate prisoner and guard alike to break out their demented friend, only to meet him wading through a river of his own bloody victims.

The Dazzling and Disorienting Knife Attack (The Men Who Stare at Goats)

American Jedi Lyn Cassady is versed in all manner of advanced psychic techniques, but the employment of the knife attack is easily his most effective...at being unforgettable.

Look Ma, No Hands! (Paranormal Activity)

You could almost take a nap while waiting for the supernatural presence to take its game to the next level, but when Katie got comfortable, it left her ass on the floor!

Stand Down, Stand In. (Black Dynamite)

During a pool hall fight, Black Dynamite leaves Bullhorn to finish mopping up the thugs. When Bullhorn gets a little too physical, there's a flag on the play followed by a hilarious substitution.

The Trunk Monkey's Got Nothing on Mr. Chow (The Hangover)

Mr. Chow is a memorable character for many reasons. The scene that most contributed to his success was his full-blown eruption of naked ferocity from a trunk. Someone should ask Bradley Cooper what's it like to get a mouthful of Chinese nuts.

And the Most Memorable Movie Moment of 2009 goes to:

Oh, That's Just What We Call Pillow Talk, Baby, That's All.

(Observe and Report)

Ronnie gets Brandi to agree to his dream date, and despite her initial resistance, the evening takes a fortuitous turn for Ronnie. Some audiences thought this circumstance disturbing; I nearly pissed myself I laughed so hard. Which side of the coin did you land on?

The Que Ridiculo! Award, named in honor of The Big Lebowski, is given to those moments that are just too preposterous to believe. While I understand some films are a plethora of insane moments, even those can cross the line into WTF! territory. There were more than a few wildly unbelievable moments in 2009, but here are the 07 that still have me scratching my head.

Award #8: 2009 Que Ridiculo! Award

The Sloppy Seconds:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Connor is told he'll be visited by three ghosts. So why, exactly, is the Ghost of Girlfriend Present neither a ghost nor a girlfriend?! Did no one who proofread this cinematic masterpiece pick up on that snafu?

Away We Go
Soon-to-be parents Verona and Burt worry they need more for their child than a rundown car and a shanty with a cardboard window. To remedy the situation, they travel North America to visit their friends and family to find the perfect home. A great plan, but how do people with a cardboard window afford those tickets, hotels and all the damn baggage fees?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
There are so, so many ridiculous moments in Transformers, but the Decepticon spy, sexbot Alice, took the cake. A super-powered alien robot capable of destroying most of a college campus goes undercover as a pissy, pouty hot chick to get close enough to Sam to turn into a super-powered alien robot and destroy most of a college campus. Anyone else see the fault in this logic?

Star Trek
I'm all for the alternate timeline re-imagining. My issue: the fate of humanity and the crew of the Enterprise is at stake, and Pike relinquishes command to stowaway cadet James T. Kirk. Who needs eons of military structure when cocky intuition will do?

Watchmen
All the alternate reality, superpower stuff aside, there's one scene in Watchmen that sticks in my craw. Watching Silk Spectre and Nite Owl bump uglies in the cockpit of Archimedes to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah creeped me the fuck out. Knowing how much the Reel Whore loves his sex scenes, this was jarringly out of place.

17 Again
When Mike O'Donnell is given the chance to relive his high school years, his popularity grows with every passing day. Then he cockblocks the sex ed teacher with an abstinence speech and finds himself facing his classmates' applause?! It is still 2009, right?

And the winner of the 2009 Que Ridiculo! Award is:

The Haunting in Connecticut

The big reveal in this "based on a true story" horror flick is that the original owners did their part to save the planet by skipping fiberglass insulation and stuffing the walls with dead bodies. How does a Realtor turn that into a selling point:

Matt Campbell: Excuse me, but why are all the walls two feet thick?

Realtor: It's these old homes. They don't build them like they used to!

Matt Campbell: But two feet? You could stack bodies in that much wall space, haha.

Realtor: Nonsense, son. Everyone knows Connecticut building code requires all dead bodies to be encased vertically in walls.

Matt Campbell: (speechless)

I could assume years of dessication have made the putrid stench unnoticeable, but why, oh why, would you stack bodies like sandbags within walls?

Two more days! How much more 07 of '09 can you handle? Join me tomorrow to find out!

07 of '09: Confessions Part IV

And we're back. It's now Day 4 of Confessions of a Reel Whore. This is literally the peak of the event. Can you handle it? If so...


Today's first award is by far one of the most popular presented during my Confessions. It honors those unsung performers who nearly always go unnoticed despite providing one of the most important contributions to the cinematic experience. I am, of course, referring to the animals. To rectify this gross exclusion from the award community it gives the Reel Whore great pleasure to present:

Award #5: Most Memorable Animals: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2009

Please note: This award only goes to actual animals. CGI animals are not eligible.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Iguanas (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans) They had to deal with the simultaneous eccentricities of Werner Herzog and Nicolas Cage and still managed stoic performances. That's reason enough for recognition.

Anwar Sadat (I Love You, Man) - I am talking about the pug from I Love You, Man, not the third President of Egypt (although the resemblance is uncanny). Technically, Anwar Sadat could have qualified for the cameo category. Like Lou Ferrigno, he did appear as himself.

The Goats (The Men Who Stare at Goats) - They suffered through the heat of New Mexico alongside George Clooney and Ewan MacGregor with little complaint. The goats seem to be etching a name for themselves in the Hollywood landscape; did you notice they got their photo AND name on the theatrical poster? Impressive.

Poppy the Chihuahua (Easy Virtue) - In Easy Virtue, Poppy, portrayed by Fizz, is true to the nature of his breed, yipping constantly and staying underfoot as duty demanded. One of the perks of the job was getting to have his face planted in Jessica Biel's booty. Come to think of it, Biel's Powder Blue costar got the same perk.

The Tiger (The Hangover) He was an integral element to the fellas' Vegas shenanigans, but he's most deserving of this honor for being subjected to multiple takes while locked in a bathroom with a bare-butt Zach Galifianakis.

The Race Horse (Crank: High Voltage) - During a racy race scene, the horse appears to leap over the otherwise preoccupied Chev and Eve. While the leap was a bit of crafty editing, the horse was called upon to expose himself. That's right; full frontal horse cock. As per the horse's contract, he was given anonymity; he didn't want to get in a whose-is-bigger competition with fellow day player Ron Jeremy.

And the award for Most Memorable Animal: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2009 goes to:

The Sacrificial Goat

(Drag Me to Hell)

Yet another no-brainer in terms of best 2009 performance and further proof the goat actors guild has acquired representation from the penguins' talent agency. The goat (I apologize, but your name escapes me at the moment) is used in a ritual to vanquish the demon terrorizing Christine. The goat hits the mark every time, rearing with great timing and bleating to intensify the scary circumstances. Of course, a stand-in animatronic goat was used so as not to bring harm to the goat, further proof the GAG is even better represented than Alison Lohman.

After recognizing the best animal performances of the year, I'd be remiss not to mention the greatest creation of a quality film. The efforts of the actor, the writer and the director combine to create a character that makes a lasting impression on the viewer and takes the film to a whole new level. What follows are the 7 best characters this past year.

Award #6: Most Memorable Characters of 2009

The Sloppy Seconds:

Helen (An Education): Rosamund Pike played the epitome of the dumb blond. She didn't always know what her friends were talking about, but as long as she had a drink in her hand and pretty clothes on her back, she could care less.

Kyle Clayton (World's Greatest Dad): Easily the most despicable son anyone could ever imagine. Daryl Sabara's portrayal was brutally cruel, amazingly dumb and incredibly crude - my kind of character.

Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen): He could multiply himself, manipulate time and the fate of the world rested on his shoulders. However, you can sum him up in three words: Big. Blue. Dong.

Mary (Precious): Mary is the kind of lazy, good-for-nothing mother Kyle needed. At the very least, the sight of her in floral-print long johns and high-heeled furry slippers would curb his perverse tendencies.

Mr. Chow (The Hangover): He's hilarious in every movie he does, but Ken Jeong outdid himself as Mr. Chow. With a vertical to rival Michael Jordan, he leapt from the trunk of a car buck-ass naked. It only got funnier from there.

Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds): Lt. Aldo Raine was quite a character, but it was the cold, calculated Landa audiences will not soon forget. It's like Hannibal Lecter and Anton Chigurh had a love child that somehow got inducted into the Third Reich.

And the award for Most Memorable Character of 2009 goes to:

Alan Garner

(The Hangover)

And he's the most memorable character that anybody could ever have. He's the most memorable character that anyone could have. He's the most memorable...uh, you get the point. Simply put, The Hangover would not be the box-office smash that it was without Zach Galifianakis's Alan Garner. Alan needs his own action figure! It'd speak great lines, be highly articulated for action posing and have kick-ass accessories like sunglasses, a beeper and a spanky satchel! If you see one of these for sale, tell the manufacturer they owe me royalties!

And that's a wrap for Day IV! Don't think the awards are all down hill from here. There's enough stamina left in the 07 of '09 confessions for us all to reach the climax. See you back here tomorrow.