RW Quarterly, Vol. III - Issue 2

Any whore worth his salt knows you have to step back from the daily grind now and again to do a little bookkeeping. The Reel Whore Quarterly indexes all the films I've seen over the last 3 months.



Every review I've posted is linked. Films italicized in blue are in the review queue so be sure to check back for those. If a film below deserves a whore-treatment but isn't slated to receive it, request it!


Okay, let me start with apologies to Jason of Invasion of the B Movies and A.P. Simon of The Ramblings of a Minnesota Geek who requested I review Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead and to Fletch of Blog Cabins who asked for my two cents on The Fifth Element. I've been a total blog douche these past three months by not ever honoring their requests. Surprisingly, Attack Girls is an insanely difficult movie to wrap a review around without ruining it for viewers, so I had to rewatch segments of it. That didn't help as much as I hoped, but you can expect the review very, very soon, I promise.

Looking back at the second quarter of 2010, I've been one lazy-ass movie blogger. I watched 40 films this quarter, four less than the first of the year. The continuing decline is still due to the horrendous viewing choices available at the megaplexes. Week after shitty week has sent me running into the warm glow of my television. Watching shows like Dexter, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Spaced via Netflix, while totally engrossing, has sucked away serious review time.

A new quarter is right around the corner. I hope these summer months will help rekindle my cinematic love affair, but only time will tell. With this post out of the way, I'll be starting the July Trailer Trash tomorrow. Be sure to come back and see which films have the best chance for getting this whore all hot and bothered.

Like before, if you see a film below that you want my opinion on, don't be afraid to ask. I promise I won't be a complete tool like I was last quarter.

The Reel Whore's Movies Watched
April 1 to June 30, 2010

45. Chloe
46. Hot Tub Time Machine
47. Clash of the Titans
48. Garbage Dreams
49. Predator
50. Date Night
51. JCVD
52. Black Dynamite
53. Hangover
54. Iron Man
55. 9 to 5
56. Real Genius
57. Killshot
58. Kick-Ass
59. The Crazies
60. The Ghost Writer
61. The Losers
62. Terribly Happy
63. Cop Out
64. A Nightmare on Elm Street
65. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
66. Iron Man 2
67. Greenberg
68. Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
69. Our Family Wedding
70. Robin Hood
71. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
72. The Eclipse
73. Sex & the City 2
74. The Secret Life of Bees
75. Mystery Team
76. El secreto en sus ojos
77. The A-Team
78. Dragonball: Evolution
79. Why Did I Get Married Too?
80. Toy Story 3
81. The Lovely Bones
82. She's Out of My League
83. In the Mood for Love
84. Date Night

* Movies in Blue are currently in my review queue.

The Hump: No. 42

MMM: Who Knows What She's Gonna Say?

Morning stargazers! Is this week over yet?! It seems every weekend flies by, but I have to drag myself to the week's end. Maybe this week will move quickly, but the Fourth of July weekend will linger. It could happen right?

During the busy-ness of this past weekend I did manage to cash in some dusty Amazon credits for new music. What better way to kick off the week than with some spanky new tunage in the Monday Mood Music!

This week's artist is Daniel Victor Snaith. He's an electronica musician known as Caribou, but up until 2004, he was known as Manitoba. Crazy story. Snaith was sued by American singer Richard Blum who goes by the stage name Richard "Handsome Dick" Manitoba. A ludicrous lawsuit and I don't see how anyone could possibly get the two of these fellas mixed up, but it happened, and thus, Caribou was born.

Another wacky tidbit about Mr. Snaith, he has a Ph.D. in mathematics. Not a bad fall back, but I don't think he'll be needing it based on his body of work. Today's music selection comes from his latest album, Swim. Enjoy!

Caribou - Odessa

Not the most cheerful sentiment, but it's a haunting groove.
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FMK Friday: Crazy for Cruise

Welcome back to another exciting edition of Fuck, Marry Kill! For those just joining the game, readers are presented with three people and must decide which person they'd like to bed, which they'd wed and which they want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

Last week, our three randoms were the faculty of McKinley High School from the TV show, Glee. Emma Pillsbury, Sue Sylvester & Will Schuester battled for your affections. Out of 10 votes (mine included), the majority chose to:

Fuck Sue,
Marry Emma,
Kill Will


Let's take a closer look at how the choices stacked up:

Fuck Sue: Overwhelmingly, folks would prefer to get buck-wild, freaky-deaky with good 'ol Sue. I fall into this category. The woman may be despicable on so many levels, but her dedication to excellence, coupled with the astounding energy boost her protein shakes provide, would undoubtedly lead to a night of unbridled passion the likes of which would shake the very foundations of whichever sleazy motel you hunker down in.

Marry Emma or Marry Will: Overall, Emma and Will tie for holy matrimony. For me, Will is the marrying type. He's sweet, kind, and in great physical condition. As your spouse, he'd be concerned with satisfying all your needs; emotionally and physically. Sure you'd have to double the size of the bathroom to store his hair care products, but you could lose yourself in those meticulously coiffed locks for days on end.

Kill Emma: Poor, poor Emma got the axe by the majority. Emma is sweet and absolutely adorable. While I'd love the chance to bed or wed the petite redhead; let's be real. With her issues, she'd always be nagging you about cleanliness and, more importantly, there will always be certain...things she just ain't never going to do, no matter how much you beg. She'd have to go.

***

With our first FMK out of the way, let's move on to the next round. In honor of the release of the new film, Knight and Day, we're going crazy for Cruise!

Fuck, Marry, Kill
The Wives of Tom Cruise

From right to left:
Nicole Kidman, Tom's second wife, mother to their two adopted children, and Oscar winner;
Mimi Rogers; Tom's first wife (her second husband), Mensa member, and Golden Space Needle Award winner;
Katie Holmes; Tom's third and current wife, mother of "his" first-born Suri, and MTV Movie Award winner.

This round will run for two weeks, plenty of time to weigh your options carefully. I can't wait to see the results!

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Abu Dhabi Don't

Sex and the City 2


Release: 05.27.10
Rated R
2 hours, 26 minutes


Group Rental



At the end of the previous movie, Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker, Smart People) is in wedded bliss with Mr. Big (Chris Noth, Cast Away), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon, The Babysitters) regains a balance between career and family, Charlotte (Kristin Davis, Couple's Retreat) realizes her goal of giving birth, and Samantha (Kim Cattrall, The Ghost Writer) is back to fucking any hot hunk within reach. Two years later it's a tale of be careful what you wish for as Carrie finds the routine of married life too mundane, Miranda's boss infuriates her, Charlotte's kids are driving her bonkers, and Samantha's menopause threatens to end her desire to ride the broncos. Samantha finagles an escape to a luxury resort in Abu Dhabi for the foursome, hoping the sun, sand and some stiff drinks will be the stress relief they all need.

I knew this film was in trouble when a very emotionally tender exchange of vows between Stanford (Willie Garson, Fever Pitch) and Tony (Mario Cantone, TV: Sex & the City) was cut at a breakneck pace to give Liza Minnelli (The Oh in Ohio) time to perform her rendition of Beyoncé's Single Ladies in its entirety. The scene was an unnecessary extravagance, completely extraneous and not pertinent to the plot. Very little of the content of the two and a half hour film actually has any bearing on the plot. Instead, writer-director Michael Patrick King (Sex & the City) makes Sex & the City 2 an exercise in indulgence.

Fans might argue that the tale of four Big Apple gals had always been an excuse to savor the latest fashions and trends. However, the show had a knack for balancing plot with the glam. The plot of Sex & the City 2 was nothing more than a mirage in this glitzy desert. King toys with preaching about cultural tolerance and marital compromise, but aside for one poignant conversation between Miranda and Charlotte, the movie is little more than a hodgepodge of hi-jinks and insulting pseudo-vocabulary.

Dirty Undies
Flesh, in various states, is prevalent. Alice Eve (She's Out of My League) plays Charlotte's beautiful, bra-less au pair. If bouncy boobs aren't your tastes, there's a whole kiwi-smuggling team of soccer hooligans lounging poolside for you to ogle. As always, Carrie dares to bare and I found myself drawn to her ample bosom, which saved me from having to stare into her freaky-harsh features. Even Samantha was looking pretty haggard; her sparkly new beau Rikard (Max Ryan, Death Race) was more comely.

The Money Shot
Experiencing Sex & the City 2 is like riding a carousel as an adult; you buy a ticket and hop in the saddle, anxious and excited. The music blares, lights flash and a world of bright colors surrounds you. But it's not as fun as you remember. You exit, exactly where you started, wanting to punch the money-grubbing carnie (and yourself) for believing you could relive your fond memories.

The Jizt: The Lovely Bones

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.

***

The Lovely Bones

Release: 12.11.09 limited (01.15.10 wide)
DVD Release: 04.20.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 16 minutes


Read a MuFu'n Book!
(Specifically, the Alice Sebold novel)


Cast: Saoirse Ronan (Atonement), Mark Wahlberg (The Happening), Stanley Tucci (The Core)

The Build-up: After her murder, Susie Salmon peers into the lives of her family, friends and killer from the 'In Between'; a place beyond Earth/her life, but not quite Heaven.

The Blurt-out: I didn't think it possible to Disneyfy the molestation and murder of a fourteen-year-old girl, but the lengthy, CGI dreamscapes turned A Nightmare on Elm Street into Fantasia 3.

The Jizt: Instead of breathing life into The Lovely Bones, director Peter Jackson sucked the soul out of this emotional tale and spat the marrow onto a roll of celluloid.

"I sure hope my daughter can't see me banging out the Jizt through this candle."

The Hump: No. 10

MMM: Make Me Wanna Say Oh-My-God!

Wait all you anti-Ursher fans, don't leave! This Monday Mood Music has nothing to do with him or his new club hit OMG. No dear stargazers, this week's song, and I use that term loosely, is a little outside my normal selection process. Heck, I'm not even sure it qualifies as a song, but it's the most insane thing I've seen in recent memory.

While flipping through the channels late Saturday night, I was brought to a screeching halt by this song playing on MTV Hits. I'm always looking for that next big tune that I can't stop humming...I just hadn't planned on it being something like this.

From my research I learned this tune isn't the latest thing; it's been buzzing around since summer of '09. How I missed it for an entire year is unimaginable, but, obviously, possible. This isn't the original video, but it's the closest that I could find to the one I experienced. The groovin' girl is killer, but the rabbit (not shown on the TV version I saw) takes the cake. Okay, the suspense is even killing me now. I hope you get a kick out of:

DJ Steve Porter featuring Vince Offer-
Slap Chop Rap

The resurgence of the Slap Chop Rap infomercial is most likely due to Vince "the ShamWow! Guy" Offer promoting Eminem's new album Recovery this past week.

Who cares about that? I just hope this Slap Chop tune slaps your troubles away. It's definitely brightened my week.

FMK Friday: The Glee Edition

Hey, hey stargazers! It's Friday and I thought what better way to kick off the weekend than with a new feature. I have to thank this year's new F/X show Archer for reminding me about the game, Fuck, Marry, Kill or F,Marry,Kill to those with oratory sensibilities. For those unfamiliar with the game, people are presented with three random people and must decide which person they'd like to bed, which they'd wed and which they want dead. Simple as that.

A perfect game for the Reel Whore, no? Like so many things, it's far more satisfying when you have group participation so you're all invited! In honor of my TVD, give a warm welcome to our first trio:

Fuck, Marry, Kill
Glee: The McKinley High Faculty

From right to left:
Emma Pillsbury, guidance counselor and obsessive-compulsive;
Sue Sylvester, Splits Magazine's Cheerleading Coach of the Decade;
Will Schuester, Spanish teacher and director of "New Directions" show choir.

I've set up a poll to the right with all of the options (hopefully). The poll's only up until next Thursday, so don't deliberate too long!

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The Hump: No. 96

In Rome, Lots of Love for Bell

When in Rome

Release: 01.29.10
DVD Release: 06.15.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 31 minutes


Second Run Seats

Keeping with yesterday's confession of contracting TVD, today's review will feature an actress who caught my attention with her short-lived-despite-being-awesome series, Veronica Mars.

Beth (Kristen Bell, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) is a New York gal and curator at the Guggenheim who only has eyes for her latest exhibition. However, she must tear herself away from work to attend her sister's wedding in Rome (such a sacrifice, I know!). As fate would have it, bad cell phone service leads her to the Blackberry of the handsome best man, Nick (Josh Duhamel, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton). Complications arise and, angry for opening herself up to kismet, Beth enacts revenge on fate by stealing five coins from the magical fountain of love. Once back at work in NYC, Beth finds she's attracted five suitors, Nick included, thanks to her Rome shenanigans.

When a movie bases its premise literally on the magic of love, you should give it some leeway in the reality department. For example, when Beth needs a centerpiece for her exhibit, it's convenient that Nick happens to own a rarely seen work that exactly matches her show's theme. Even better; having a starving painter, struggling street magician, male model and the sausage king (I assume of New York, not Chicago) happen to live in the same city as Beth despite tossing their wishes of love in a fountain a quarter-way around the world.

When in Rome scores with its slam dunk casting. Beth's four non-Nick suitors are played by Will Arnett (Hot Rod), Jon Heder (Just Like Heaven), Dax Shepard (Baby Mama), and Danny Devito (The Oh in Ohio) and each is as silly and funny as the next. One less suitor could have helped refocus the story on the romantic resolution, but I'd be hard-pressed to pick which to axe. Current SNL cast member Bobby Moynihan (Mystery Team) yucks it up as Nick's friend; he's the next big thing, trust me. Even TV veteran, Don Johnson (TV: Miami Vice), pops up at the wedding as Beth's dear old dad (not to spoil it, but he didn't sing Heartbeat at the reception).

Dirty Undies
I don't recall anything too racy. Beth's sister Joan (Alexis Dziena, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist) parades around in an apron and her wedded bliss. If Dax Shepard floats your boat, he's quick to go shirtless, putting his sick puppies, a.k.a. abs, on display. Generally, you have to let your imagination run wild about Duhamel or Bell. As long as Bell is showing off those killer gams I'm happy. I'd be happier if I could wrap those thighs around my head like ear muffs...what?! To lift her above the crowd so she can lead a cheer to her awesomeness. She is rather petite, you know.

The Money Shot
Fans of Kristen Bell, and soon-to-be fans of Kristen Bell should see this because, well, she rocks even in lackluster films (I know, I've seen Fanboys). If you can overlook the little (and big) plot contrivances and roll with the cheesy vibe, you'll find When in Rome fairly enjoyable.

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I've Caught the TVD!

It was inevitable. With the films of 2010 sucking so much, the Reel Whore had to look elsewhere for satisfaction. In the darkened corner of my living room skulked an old mistress, waiting to welcome me back into her arms. Her warm glow has comforted me at a time when the theater could not. Stargazers, I've stepped out on movies and caught the TVD!

TVD, or TeleVision Disease, is a sneaky infection. With cinematic entertainment lacking, I found myself doing what I never do, flipping channels. While seemingly harmless, you can quickly find yourself enveloped by a show. If you are as compulsive as I am, you can't just catch a random episode here and there; you must watch every episode in the series! Thanks to commercials and promotions, one show led to another and another and, well, you know.

Until last week I didn't realize I was infected. I assumed my lack of website postage was due to the slim pickins. Partially true, but when I looked at the increasing list of movies in my review queue, the truth could not be denied. My TVD has become so rampant it's interfering with my first love.

Luckily, the Reel Whore can handle multiple partners. I just need to be upfront and honest with both film and television. I want to confess the indulgences that have kept me riveted to the couch these past few weeks.

Recent Fraternizations:

Dexter - I finished S3 last week and can already feel the tremors starting. Unfortunately S4 won't be released until August so I'll be going through serious withdrawal. Until then I'll be dreaming darkly of Dexter.

Burn Notice - It's like MacGuyver, Magnum, P.I. and the A-Team had some sort of freaky, deaky orgy and the offspring was left to right wrongs and wreak havoc on the streets of Miami. Jeffrey Donovan rules.


Glee - Jane Lynch and her incessant belligerence towards Matthew Morrison's curly locks is just one reason to tune in every week. I'm trying to resist the urge to watch it all over again this summer during Fox's re-airing of the season.

Hell's Kitchen - I can't remember why I started watching, but I know I can't stop watching. Crafty editing and endless recapping aside, I've got to hang on til the end to see whether me or the wife called the final two from the first episode.

Avatar: The Last Airbender - I've been streaming the animated series off of Netflix in anticipation of the upcoming Shyamalan film adaptation. I really love Ang's quirkiness and childish ways. It worries me the tone of the movie seems so serious.

Justified - Phenomenal! Abso-fucking-lutely phenomenal! Best season finale of 2010, no question. There is so much to love about Justified. Instead of listing them, check out fellow LAMB Fletch's Favored Five.


Boondocks - Aaron MacGruder's comic strip about Huey and Riley returns to animated life on Cartoon Network for its third and final season. The Hateocracy was genius, but then Riley comes along and blows me away in both Smokin With Cigarettes and The Fundraiser.

Doctor Who - The first turn of Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. It had a bit of a rocky start, but I'm beginning to find the groove. It's got to be hard for anyone to follow on the heels of David Tennant's brilliant portrayal.


Upcoming Rendezvous:

Psych - Shawn and Gus, a.k.a. Black and Tan, return for their fifth season. I totally dig the random pop culture references buried in every episode, but I can't decide if I'm more excited to see which awesome guest stars will appear or how the duo will slam The Mentalist for scamming its concept.


Being Human - Don't stop me if you've heard the one about the vampire, the werewolf and the ghost who rent a flat together because you haven't heard this story. First season was a slow boil, spilling into more questions than they can possibly answer in the new season. Get caught up now so you won't be behind come July.

Mad Men - If you watch the show, you are counting down the minutes until its July premiere. Everything we knew before has changed; is it wrong to secretly hope for some happy resolutions?


This isn't even counting shows I want to grab from Netflix like Rome, Breaking Bad, Entourage, The Inbetweeners, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, True Blood...the list goes on.

That's what has been and will be captivating my attention. Have you caught TVD? If so, which shows are responsible?

In keeping with my TVD confession, expect to see more television-related content all week. Check out yesterday's TV theme Monday Mood Music if you missed it.

MMM: Post, Finally!

Readers who know me well saw this coming, especially after the release of the A-Team. By the way, I did see it this weekend and you can expect a review in the immediate future. Right now's not the time for movies, it's time for the Monday Mood Music!

Today's artist, Leland Postil, has amassed an excellent catalog of tunage which made it difficult to choose a single selection. I managed to narrow it down to six songs that are ingrained into my mind for all eternity. Call it the nostalgia of childhood or a sign of a talented composer, either way, these songs are instantly recognizable to not only me, but millions.

That's because these multiple mood musics are all theme songs composed or co-composed by Mr. Postil, a.k.a. Mike Post, for some great television series of the eighties and nineties. Take a walk with me down memory lane.

The A-Team Theme - Pete Carpenter & Mike Post
I love how they left in the sound of B.A. kicking in the door.

Doogie Howser, M.D. Theme - Mike Post
NPH rules!

Greatest American Hero Theme - Pete Carpenter & Mike Post
Makes me want to pop in the show and watch it.



Hill Street Blues Theme - Mike Post
This was more of my parents show than mine, but the theme song sticks with you.

Magnum, P.I. Theme- Pete Carpenter & Mike Post
My mom was a huge Magnum fan. I think everyone's mom was in love with that mustache and hairy chest.

Quantum Leap Theme - Mike Post & Jerry Grant
FYI: As I understand it, only the first rendition in this video belongs to Mike Post and Jerry Grant.

Mike Post is also responsible for many equally popular theme songs for shows still running. Law & Order and all its spin-off spawn to name a few. Which Mike Post theme song if your favorite?

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Huh, Huh, You Said "Poll"

Evening stargazers! I must apologize for the insufficient postage last week. I had planned for daily updates and barely managed to get two posts published. I've got excuses aplenty, but who gives a shit, really? It's not about dwelling in the past, it's about looking to the future. A perfect sentiment since it's time to recap my last poll and ask for your expert advice with a new poll.

Last time you got to enjoy not one, but two polls. I was looking at the lackluster summer offerings and, using the March to the Box Office Madness bracket currently in contention at the LAMB, I asked:

Of the top ranked films to be released, which made you all tingly?
and
Of the bottom ranked films to be released, which will suck hardest?

I was surprised to see there was no clear cut choice in either scenario. Here's how the voting shook out:

Must-See Summer Movies
(8 total votes)

1 vote, 2-way tie: Sex & the City 2, Twilight: Eclipse
Methinks my wife and sister, respectively, are to blame for those votes.

2 votes, 3-way tie: Prince of Persia, Toy Story 3, The A-Team
If you throw in my vote for Hannibal and the gang, A-Team will be the clear winner. I'm shocked it didn't rank higher for folks.

I did get one write-in vote for Inception. We'll see if it turns out to be the big box office contender.

Must-Avoid Summer Movies
(5 total votes)

Not sure why there was less participation in this poll, maybe these movies are so bad no one cared enough to vote.

1 vote: Despicable Me
Bringing up the rear of intolerable summer movies, or would it actually be leading the pack? I'm confused, but not enough to waste money on this.

2 votes, 2-way tie: MacGruber, Salt
I've got mixed emotions on this one. No surprise MacGruber landed in the bottom considering it's earned a whopping 8.5 million in it's three weeks of release. A horrid number which probably explains why I can now watch it for $1.50 at my second-run theater this weekend. Ouch!

What's the deal with the Salt hatred? Is it disdain targeted at Angelina Jolie, or do people really think it will suck? I'm always up for a good thrill ride, so I'll be seeing it.

***

Moving on to the latest hard-hitting question. Since the summer movie scene continues to both suck and blow, I find myself with considerable heft to my wallet. Since it's a proven fact that the friction between my jeans and cash will eventually burn holes in my pockets, I need to decide how best to blow my wad.

My other special lady friend, Shakira, kicks off her global tour this September in North America. I guess with writing the official song for the FIFA World Cup, she's been too busy to send me VIP passes. Disappointing, but I'm an understanding guy. I'll need to pay my own way, but that means flying to a quality venue to see her since North Carolina is a no-tour zone for any big name artist (Country singers and Old Fogie bands excluded).

I'm trying to decide between the Staples Center in Los Angeles or Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, and whether to pony up for the VIP Meet-n-Greet or just get some really spanky seats in the crowd.

What do you think:

The Shakira concert: Stay Home, Go, or Go All Out?

The choices:
Be Shakira's VIP in Los Angeles
Consort with common people in LA
Be Shakira's VIP in Las Vegas
Consort with common people in Vegas
Hold out for a NC Concert
Wait for the Tour BluRay

This poll will be a short one, so go vote now!

The Hump: No. 58

MMM: Belated Observance

Welcome to another Monday stargazers! I hope your week's horizon is looking bright and sunny. Mine is; I am going to what I hope will be two awesome concerts, Diane Birch tonight and Ingrid Michaelson Friday. That should keep me in a good mood no matter what inane shit these monkeys at work fling at me.

You'd think either of these two upcoming concert experiences would be the focus of my Monday Mood Music. You'd be right, except both Diane and Ingrid have already been featured. Instead, allow me to take this in a different direction. Since I've got monkeys at the workplace, why not have Gorillaz on the brain? The Gorillaz are a virtual band made up of Noodles, Murdoc Niccals, 2D and Russel Hobbs. Most of you should be familiar with their first single, Clint Eastwood. The name alone made it a hit in my mind, the awesomeness of it's sound solidified it.

Many of you may not be familiar with the song, Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head, from their second album, Demon Days. Ever since the passing of Dennis Hopper, this song has been playing in a loop in my head. Why? Because Dennis Hopper narrates the song. I've always found myself drawn to the combination of the melody and his voice.

To honor the late Dennis Hopper, may I present...

Gorillaz featuring Dennis Hopper -
Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head

Steer clear of flying feces and I guarantee it'll be a better week!

Trailer Trash: The June Gang Bang

I had hoped I would have my panties dripping wet over cinematic goodness every weekend in June. Sadly this is not the case. At best, I've got a massive sploosh mid-month with plenty of time left to wash up before and after.

June brings eleven major releases (according to IMDB). There are also five limited releases, one of which I highly recommend viewing in lieu of a certain rotund actor's other, mainstream offering. Enough teasing, let's find out what awesomenicity is in store this month!

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Marmaduke (06.04) More like Make-me-puke. It's not so much the horribly bad CGI line dance the mutts are doing at the trailer's end as it is seeing so many quality actors being subjected to such tripe (as I mentioned earlier). Someone call Sarah McLachlan; maybe she can champion against this cruelty to movie fans.

The Karate Kid (06.11) Wanna know why Karate Kid will suck harder than Lindsay Lohan in the judge's quarters? It's not because the director is responsible for inflicting Pink Panther 2, Agent Cody Banks, or One Night at McCool's on audiences, or that the writer is as unproven as Jaden Smith. It's not even because Smith is shorter than his love interest.

It's because Karate Kid is not Karate Kid without Martin Kove's John Kreese!

Sweep the leg!

Grown Ups (06.25) Even I shat upon the SNL sketch-to-film adaptation of MacGruber last month, but I'd gladly pay to see that film twice over before supporting this obviously one-note SNL reunion circa 1990-1993. The foursome at least could have honored Chris Farley by casting his younger brother Kevin as the fat friend in lieu of Paul Blart; the Blart-man, the Blartinator, the Blartastrophe!

Killers (06.04) Look, everyone! It's an action rom-com about a hot blonde passing as a "Plain Jane" type who stumbles into a partnership with a studly secret agent out to save the world. Cuh-lassic! I'm a bit concerned that Kutcher doesn't actually own any shirts, given he's bare-chested for half the trailer. No matter, this concept is too original to miss.


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (06.30) I dropped out of this craptastic craze long before the credits rolled in the first film, but I've got to admit this installment shows promise. Well, the manly man trailer full of wolf fangs and sub-aquatic vampires does; the vagtastic, angsty love trailer makes my action half-chub go limp.

Jonah Hex (06.18) I wonder, while filming his debut Goonies, did Josh Brolin dream of the day when he could share the screen with a love interest who was, at that time, nothing more than a follicle in her mother's ovum? I bet he never figured that girl would be so good at massacring an Southern drawl either. Although, word is the director did a much better job at hacking the film into incoherent bits.

Get Him to the Greek (06.04) Can you imagine how this pitch went down:

DIRECTOR

So I want to do a sequel to
my moderately successful
comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

PRODUCER

Do you think we can afford to
pay Jason Segel and Mila
Kunis for their return?

DIRECTOR

Doesn't matter. I want to
tell the story of Russell
Brand and Jonah Hill.

PRODUCER
That skinny, Brit rocker
and the chubby, heterosexually-
challenged bellhop that
were barely in the movie?

DIRECTOR
(laughing)
Exactly! They'll be like the
new Laurel and Hardy...
except with more vulgarity
and drug dependency.

Crickets chirp outside the office window.

DIRECTOR
I'll take that as a yes. Filming
starts in two weeks!

Knight and Day (06.25) Look, everyone! It's another action rom-com about a different hot blonde passing as a "Plain Jane" type who stumbles into a partnership with a slightly studlier secret agent out to save the world. Cuh-lassic! I'm a bit concerned that Cruise and Diaz may ham up the action too much for my taste. No matter, this concept is too original to miss.

Splice (06.04) Fucking with the natural order of the universe always makes for a great sci-fi horror tale. Both Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley perfectly fit the stereotypical geeky lab rat. Biggest reason to see this; I haven't gotten this turned on by a bald humanoid chick since Susan on the Alien Nation TV series.


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Toy Story 3 (06.18) Proof positive that even the imaginarium of Pixar isn't immune to resorting to squeezing blood from a turnip. I'm excited at revisiting the gang that began the studio's rise to animation domination. It sure beats watching a talking trashcan plant trees or seeing an old man pushing up daisies.

Cyrus (06.18 ltd.) If you have to see one Jonah Hill film in June and this opens in your area, trade in Russell Brand for John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei, and Catherine Keener. I expect the tête-à-tête between Hill and Reilly to be a little more creative than smack suppositories and absinthe benders.

The A-Team (06.11) Nostalgia plays a large part into my seat-drenching excitement over this TV-to-movie adaptation. Strong action writers, a decent action director, and the excellent casting doesn't hurt either. While the Whore loves his R-rated movies, I shall not poo-poo the A-Team's mass appeal PG-13 rating; fans of the show know even the worst of the villains managed to walk away from their exploding cars with only a headache.

Yes!

Mmmm, Yes!!

Hell Fuckin-A-Team, Yes!!!

***

That's all she wrote, stargazers! If I find time away from my Nerdapalooza this weekend to see a movie...well, I guess I'll be hitting Netflix to catch Spider-Man casting hopeful, Donald Glover, in Mystery Team.

A Quickie: Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2


Release: 05.07.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 4 minutes


Full Price

Picking up shortly after the end of the first installment, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr., Sherlock Holmes) sits before a Senate sub-committee that strongly encourages him to relinquish the Iron Man weapon into the responsible hands of the U.S. government. Contrarily, Stark believes the technology too advanced to be duplicated...until a psychotic Russian, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke, Sin City), shows up sporting a spanky arc reactor-fueled weapon of his own. Add to the government, villains, and rival company woes the pesky side effects of having an arc reactor implanted in his chest, and it's uncertain if Tony Stark, the man or the machine, can withstand the pressure.

RDJ still shines as the quick-witted, charismatic Stark. Don Cheadle (After the Sunset) replaces Terrence Howard as Stark's best bud, Rhodey. Apparently, Howard's head got too big to fit into the War Machine suit and producers had to let him go. Cheadle slips easily into the rhythm of director Jon Favreau's (Elf) story. Much like the first Iron Man, that rhythm is a fast-talking, explosive action flick, except for the chewy marshmallow center that audiences must gum through to reach the big-bang bonanza of an ending.

In that center, Scarlett Johansson (The Spirit) gets to kick butt and look good doing it; Gwyneth Paltrow (Emma) gets wasted as pouty Potts; and Sam Rockwell (Choke) sleazes it up as Tony's industrial nemesis. Audiences learn Tony gets his pompous attitude from his pop, Mad Men's own Roger Sterling, a.k.a. John Slattery. Audiences lax in basic logistics won't be bothered when Stark saddles up to race in the Monaco Grand Prix or turns his focus to nucleosynthesis using fifty foot of pipe and a monkey wrench.

So, a few plot elements are outrageous, but isn't this a story about a billionaire genius who flies around saving innocents in a homemade contraption? Since there is no such heroic lovechild of Richard Branson, Harrison Ford and Leonardo DaVinci in the real world, audiences can instead enjoy the wondrous CGI spectacle of Robert Downey, Jr as Iron Man.

.

The Hump: No. 82

The Spank Bank: Sanaa Lathan

In overwhelming numbers, you asked for it, and now it's back! The coveted Spank Bank column has returned after a nearly one-year hiatus! Why this feature fell through the cracks for so long I cannot say for certain, but I am glad you stargazers have given me permission to spank out new inductees until I'm silly!

With the resurgence of the Spank Bank comes one new adjustment to the feature; from here on out, inductees will be named monthly. In theory, this will keep both you and I in fresh, spankable material on the regular. Time to stop flapping my gums about format so we can all start drooling.

To describe my latest inductee in a single word: charm. This special lady has been working in film and television for fourteen years. I hope you've seen her at least once. It'd be a crying shame if you haven't. Her name, a Swahili word meaning 'work of art,' is a fitting representation of this talented, beautiful and woefully under-appreciated actress.

Join with me in showing our appreciation for Spank Bank inductee:

Sanaa Lathan

The First Time My Eyes Met: I watched both Moesha and In the House back in the day, so it's possible I glimpsed Sanaa in some of her earliest work. The most definable first impression is looking into her pain-riddled eyes as she reaches for her newborn son, Eric. As Vanessa Brooks, mother of Blade, I was amped to see her return as sexy Vamped Out Vanessa complete with weave-tastic curls.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: There's no denying that mutha fuckin' Nia Long is as sexy as she wants to be, but Harper had it right in The Best Man. Why go out for steak when you got Kobe beef at home?

Sexiest Movie Moment: A whole lotta sexy can cover up a little bit of crazy. In Out of Time, Denzel wasn't sweating from the heat of those Florida summer nights; Sanaa's character, Anne Merai Harrison, had his blood boiling.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: I have yet to see a film where I have been disappointed by Ms. Lathan's performance. That said, I was none too pleased that her role in Powder Blue was nothing more than three tiny, tiny, tiny scenes as Charlie's late wife. Beautiful as an angel? Yes, but shame on the movie for not having a meatier role for her.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Watching Monica Wright struggle to prove she got game and can still rock a prom dress. Love & Basketball follows the relationship of ballers Monica and Quincy from childhood to the pros in this realistic romance. Sanaa's portrayal of the hot-headed tomboy remains my favorite performance.

My Biggest Regret: Never seeing Catfish in Black Bean Sauce. I vaguely know the plot concerns Vietnamese siblings who meet their birth mother after being raised by an African-American family. Given Sanaa's track record, I expect it's worth checking out.

Her Winning Feature: Those dimples. Whether she's steeling herself for certain death in AVP or unleashing her anger on a frustrating lover in Disappearing Acts, no one stands a chance once they square off against that lovely face.

If I Could Walk In His Shoes: I'd have to swap places with Brian Kelly in Something New. I am confident I could take excellent care of Kenya McQueen's lady garden.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Sadly, her upcoming projects slate is looking slim with only Macbett and The Middle of Nowhere on the horizon. Seeing Sanaa in anything that puts her front and center of the screen would be appreciated.

My Dream Of Working With The Enticing Ms. Lathan: With such a versatile actress, there are oh-so-many possibilities. The best way to make them all come true? I'd be the great and powerful Oz of casting directors. With a nod of my massive floating head, I'd dub Sanaa Lathan Queen of the Casting Couch, granting her leading roles in sci-fi, drama, action, comedy, horror, romance movies. Roles repeatedly given to the likes of the Aniston-Hudson-Alba-Garner-Fox's of the acting world would be hers to rule. The box office registers ring in harmonious unison as time and again her performances bring in the bank. Sanaa and I would even agree on a nice side-indie project to set her up for the inevitable Oscar. All this she'd accomplish without even the need for a "ride" on the casting couch. But if she wanted to show her appreciation, she'd be more than welcome to pull back this mighty wizard's curtain.