Trailer Trash: The 2011 Blowout!

Afternoon stargazers! I missed last week's Trailer Trash, but can you blame me? It's the holiday season and it's like diarrhea of the theaters right now. IMDb lists new releases opening nearly every day for the next couple of weeks. Instead of trying to pigeon hole all these releases into an end of the week round up, I'm just going to run through them all in one fell swoop. Enjoy!

Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (12.16) I've yet to suffer through any of Alvin, Simon and Theodore's cinematic shenanigans. I enjoyed watching them growing up, but the CGI of this latest version is a travesty. Besides I can't support any movie that shills any variation of Willow Smith's Whip My Hair.




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

Sherlock Holmes: A Games of Shadows (12.16) The first installment of RDJ as SH was decent enough, but it didn't have me itching to come back for a sequel despite it's wide-open ending. Surprisingly, I'm kinda stoked about seeing the deuce. It has more to do with Noomi Rapace's stateside debut more than Holmes' and Watson's heterosexual lifemate sich, but I'm sure studios don't care as long as it puts my ass in a seat. 


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!  

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (12.20) The Hipster-Cruise look on the poster needs to go. I get they need it; this series started while most of its target audience was in utero. Hoodie aside; the action is tight, Pegg is funny, Patton is smokin', and Renner's big screen presence continues to expand. I've been on his band wagon since Somnambulist, but see him shine before the overexposure of the Avengers kicks in.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation! 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (12.20) My feeling about this is the original Swedish Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is pretty much a perfect film in every aspect so I have absolutely no need for an Americanized remake. This is one of those times when I tell people to suck it up and read the damned subtitles! I'm sure Craig will do a good job, but Mara has some huge platform boots to fill to convince me she's Lisbeth Salander.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Adventures of Tintin (12.21) Until I saw the first trailer for this, I thought this was going to be the story of Rin Tin Tin. I'd never even heard of the old cartoon series. The thing that makes me most excited about Tintin is that with Spielberg's involvement we might finally get a Academy Award category for motion capture just so Andy Serkis can get that long overdue Oscar!



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

We Bought a Zoo (12.23) I tell ya, I'd buy a helluva lot more than a zoo if I got to cozy up to Scarlett Johansson on the regular. Then again, if I looked like Matt Damon, I could probably buy her stuffed giraffe and be in there like swimwear. As for the movie, this looks to be the film that rinses the bad taste of Vanilla Sky and Elizabethtown Cameron Crowe left us with years ago. But if the kid starts talking about the weights of animal heads, all bets are off!


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation! 

The Darkest Hour (12.25) Nothing like a little horror-styled counter-programming during the holidays. I'm still recovering from the burns Black Christmas left on my eyes years ago, so it's a safe bet I'll be passing on this. Besides, there's nothing like a faceless alien menace to make me even less excited about a film.




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

War Horse  (12.25) I'm not sure if it's the John Williams score or the warm inviting Spielberg polish of War Horse, but I'm actually pretty excited to see this. I gave it a middling rating, however, because if I see this it'll be all by my damned self since no one else has the slightest inkling of interest in it. I'll no doubt see it at some point, but those warms tones and soothing music will be coming from my home theater set up.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Happy Holidays Everyone! 
 

MMM: Some Balls Are Held for Charity

Seven days and counting until Christmas day! I hope you've finished all your holiday errands. I haven't, but I'm hoping you have. In all the hustle and bustle, I nearly forgot a very important holiday tradition; to download the Killers latest Christmas tune. This year's song is based on an 1890 poem by William Lawrence Chittenden and was set to music by western singer, Michael Martin Murphey. The Killers tweaked a few of the lyrics to make it their own, but the video is what really sets it apart as their jam. If the video doesn't get you into the holiday spirit, there may be no hope for you.

The Killers - The Cowboy's Christmas Ball

Don't you just that ol' Western vibe? It's like the Killers' version of Cowboys & Aliens, except more enjoyable.

MMM: Me Teethes Is Chitterin

Damn stargazers, it's effin' cold here! I can normally deal with the winter chill, but I'm figuring since it was in the mid-70s last Monday my body just wasn't ready to downshift so quickly. Hopefully I'll get acclimated very soon. An apropos tune popped up into my shuffle this morning. It's by an up and coming band, Built for the Sea, that I assume is still around despite being MIA for a bit. If you know the scoop on them, let me know. If not, just enjoy their spin on this holiday classic.

Built for the Sea - Baby It's Cold Outside

Trailer Trash: The December 9th Quickie

It's been a few weeks, but the Trailer Trash is back bitches! Honestly, you haven't missed anything in theaters. I myself haven't seen a mainstream movie since Tower Heist. Crazy, right? If the IMDb listed offerings for this weekend are any indication though, it looks like my ass will continue to stay at home watching Christmas movies and movies for my biweekly vault reviews over at Man, I Love Films. 

The Sitter I gave my two cents of this when I reviewed Adventures in Babysitting, but in case you missed it...Pass. I want good things for David Gordon Green, but after Your Highness 2011 may not be his year. I like Hill usually, but he looks as annoying as these kids in this concept rehash. Sam Rockwell and Ari Graynor will eventually pull me into the theater, but not anytime soon.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


New Year's Eve If you want proof positive that the end of days is nigh, here it is. What but some sort of malevolent force could gather so many lovely and talented actors together to participate in such horrific schlock. I say this assuming it follows the same premise as last year's Valentine's Day, which by all accounts was so bad, I'd prefer to be subjected to Bucky Larson again before I'd sit through anything similar to it.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Still not sure how unenthusiastic I am about the above two offerings? I have only seen this trailer once, but Gary Oldman's face on the poster is all I need to know to be psyched for to see TTSS. I know it's a remake and it has some other respectable people in it as well, and as soon as this limited release opens here I will be sitting center row munching my popcorn.



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Young Adult Much like TTSS, Young Adult isn't opening here this weekend either. The trailers keep the story short and not so sweet, but I've missed seeing Charlize play a grown up child ever since Arrested Development went off the air. Besides this has Reitman behind the helm so it can't be nearly as tedious as watching New Year's Eve.  




Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


I'm most excited that The Descendants opens here today! That's where I'll be headed after work. How about you?

MMM: Take Me To The Place I Love

Good morning stargazers! Sorry it's been a while since I've posted here, but the holidays got me all out of sync. First, I missed the Thanksgiving Trailer Trash due to holiday travels. Then a nasty head cold pre-empted last week's Monday Mood Music. I was all ready to get back on track with a new Trailer Trash last Friday, but not a single major new release opened last week. Go figure.

But you don't give a shit about all that! What matters is I'm back and I am super excited the Red Hot Chili Peppers are coming to my town in January! I scored my tickets on Saturday; not the best seats I had hoped for, but pretty damned good. This concert will make for one more band that I can mark off my Must See Before They Die List. Woo Hoo! In honor of their upcoming concert, let's play a little tunage from this LA band.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge

MMM: Nonsense

Morning stargazers. It's going to be a hectic week for me, as I'm sure it will be for all of you. Lots of family to visit and turkey to be eaten, and there's still work to be done.

At any rate, today's selection is a random choice when I shuffled my player this morning. As I mentioned in my Christian Bale Spank Bank way back when, every time I hear this song now, I can't help but think of him as Patrick Bateman Christian Bale in American Psycho. If you've seen it, you know why. If you haven't seen it, it'd be a good one to watch over the Thanksgiving holiday... or maybe not.

Phil Collins - Sussidio

Off to have a better week than this one has started out to be!

Trailer Trash: The November 18th Quickie

Wow, I can't believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Looking ahead, the next few weeks are always a disappointing time. There will be tons of exciting new releases in the coming weeks, but thanks to my geographic location, I will be unable to enjoy most until after the new year. Makes a good argument for moving to NYC or LA for the holidays. Since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I'll instead focus on the three big releases listed over at IMDb for this weekend, one of which is an aforementioned forbidden treat. Can you guess which one?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 I haven't followed Twilight since suffering through the first film. From what I can tell, Edward and Bella consummate their love and either she becomes swole with a half-vamp calf or Ed's shimmery spooge shards rip Bellas innards causing an internal hemorrhage the size of a basketball. Either way, Bella looks to be in pain, but not as much as I'd be in if I went to see this.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Happy Feet Two I don't know what's worse; that they made this sequel or that their title creativity was so uninspired. Why not go with Happy Feet: Step Up 2 Da Ice, Two Feet, Too Happy, Happy Feet: Part Dew!, Happy Feet: Mumble Never Sleeps, Happy Feet and the Chamber of Fishes, Mumble: First Blood Part II, Happy Feet: Episode II - Attack of the Cones, or the classic Happy Feet Too!. Not that it'd matter, I'd still pass.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


The Descendants This had me at Judy Greer, but adding George Clooney and Alexander Payne into the mix was a nice bonus. Plus there's the fact that Community's very own Dean Pelton (a.k.a. Jim Rash) had a hand in the script. I'd be first in line this weekend to see this, if it had opened here. If I'm lucky, maybe this can be my dessert after Thanksgiving. 



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


That's all we've got for this week, but fret not. We'll be inundated with Turkey Day releases before you know it!

MMM: Good Grief!

I hate to start off the week on my soapbox, stargazers, but it must be said. I'm not sure if it's happened in your neck of the woods, but this weekend one local radio station began churning out nothing but Christmas music and is still at it today! Guess this means I'll need to skip this station until the week of Christmas; you know, the on time it's actually appropriate to listen to non-stop holiday cheer.

That said, when I flipped over to the channel this morning, they were playing a song that actually is appropriate for the entire holiday season. Linus and Lucy, better known as the Charlie Brown theme song, is a tune that's most in sync with fall and winter. You can set your holiday watch to the specials It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and A Charlie Brown Christmas, which is nice since you can't trust radio anymore.

If you're like me and not quite ready for full-blown Christmas cheer; why not enjoy a year-round, spirit lifting classic by American jazz pianist Vince Guaraldi.

Vince Guaraldi Trio - Linus and Lucy

Jazz Impressions of A Boy Named Charlie Brown

Trailer Trash: The November 11th Quickie

Good morning stargazers. IMDb lists three new releases for this weekend, but none of them appear to honor our veterans. None of them really look like they'll excite our interest either. Here are these movies.

Immortals From trailer #1, this has been so...unimpressive. It's sad because Tarsem Singh is a visual genius behind the camera and I've been waiting for Henry Cavill to break out ever since he lost out to Daniel Craig for the role of James Bond. Those two reasons are enough to get me out to see Immortals, but that ridiculous helmet of Mickey Rourke's gives me pause.



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


J. Edgar As you should all know, this project had me at Eastwood. Clint does period pieces well as does DiCaprio, so I expect this will be a satisfying biopic. I'm also extremely curious to see how Michael Westen a.k.a. Jeffrey Donovan handles his role as Robert Kennedy. It could be the role to step him up to the big screen, not that I want Burn Notice to end anytime soon.


 
Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Jack and Jill I enjoy a good Adam Sandler flick so when he starts making them again, be sure to let me know won't you? The slapstick comedy looks like it'll cause more eye-rolling than side-splitting. I should support my girl, but as longtime readers know, Katie's made it very clear she's moved on. I may chose to see this in the unheated discomfort of the cheap theater. At least then I can be numb to the pain it may cause.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Happy Veteran's Day everyone.

MMM: You Sound Like You're From London!

This Monday Mood Music is brought to you by a funny story. Fall is in full force here and my summer generosity has come back to bite me; i.e. I donated a ton of my old long sleeve shirts to Goodwill and now my ass is frosty. So, I was strolling through various mall stores in search of replacement duds when the following occurred:

In the back of the store, older lady clerk turns to young hipster clerk and says" I love this song, who is it?"
YHC: Oh this is Adele. I love her.
OLC: Really? She's singing so much higher than in her other songs.
YHC: I know! She has such an amazing range. She's just so wonderful.
OLC: Yes she is...

I smiled as I walked away from their converse. Adele is a phenomenal singer, without a doubt. However, I know every Adele song and that won't one of them. They were actually listening to Duffy, but I decided to stay out of it. The irony's in the title. Enjoy! 

Duffy -  Rain On Your Parade

Trailer Trash: The November 4th Quickie

Welcome to November stargazers! I'm still pretty wiped from the  Week of Reel Whorror!. If you missed it, that's what the link's for. With Halloween behind us, it's on to Thanksgiving, stuffing ourselves silly, and falling asleep to football games and movies. If you want a jump start on that last item, IMDb says there are two major releases this weekend to chose from. These are those movies.

Tower Heist I've been hyping this movie over in my Man, I Love Films Vault Review column for the last three weeks. Individually, the stars have had their cinematic hits and misses, but together this looks like pretty safe bet. This may be Eddie Murphy's funniest project in years, especially if Casey Affleck and Michael Peña are given time to shine. I, for one, plan to find out this weekend.



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas The first time I saw this trailer, this looked even worse than their first sequel Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Now that I've been exposed to the trailer another umpteen-thousand times, it still looks rude, raunchy and ridiculous, but I'm in just the right mood to enjoy that right now. WWNPHD? Tell me to go support his career, and would he ever really steer me wrong?


Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

That's all we've got new in my neck of the woods. Lucky for me the summer releases are now spilling into the cheap theaters.

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 7

It's here.... The moment you've all been waiting for. Of all the alien invasion films to chose from, the question remains, which is worthy for inclusion in the Week of Reel Whorror!? Naturally, Reel Whore has to end The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series with a personal favorite; a film featuring an alien invasions that's both gory and sexy.


Species

Release: 07.07.95
Rated R
1 hour, 48 minutes



Full Price




Xavier Fitch (Ben Kingsley) is a government mule whose been ordered to terminate his latest little science project. The project is a young girl, Sil (Michelle Williams), who isn't ready to be gassed and instead escapes into the night. Fitch reaches out to a handful of experts, Dr. Stephen Arden (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2), Dr. Laura Baker (Marg Helgenberger), an empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker, Body Snatchers) and Preston Lennox (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs), to assist in locating and neutralizing any threat Sil may pose.

Of all the invasion plots, this is by far the most clever. Aliens send their DNA sequence and an instruction manual on how to incorporate it within our genetic makeup over radio waves. Humans, being the curious creatures that we are, mix up the alien cocktail which grows to be the super hot blonde with an overwhelming desire to procreate. Obviously, no one's going to turn down sex from a horny Natasha Henstridge so presto fucko, you've got an instant alien invasion force being cranked from her womb.
  
Species doesn't quite get that far. Instead it shows the evolution of Sil from the young Michelle Williams (I still can't believe that's her!) to the sultry Natasha Henstridge. Adult Sil is naive to the ways of the world, and director Roger Donaldson (The Bank Job) deliberately shows Sil learning how to interact socially as well as other things like driving. This illustrates her high level of adaptability and helps to explain how she can elude the task force sent to annihilate her. 

Sil suffers from what can best be described as nightmarish wet dreams, monsters and demonic trains race through her sleeping mind, hinting at the big bad alien which lies underneath that soft complexion. These further prove how undeniably cheesy Species is. Another reason to love Species is the casting; usually you might have one actor whose now a big name, but almost everyone here has quite the reputation.  
 

Dirty Undies

Did I forget to mention that Henstridge is naked more often than clothed? Gratuitous?...Most likely, but if you ever need the perfect distraction for an alien invasion, it's pretty damned effective. Men, and women, seem to lose all rational thinking when Sil appears before them in the buff. She sidles up all innocent-like and, if she doesn't like what she sees, it becomes a bloodbath of alien tentacles and spikes. For audiences looking for sex and slaughter, it's a win-win. 

The Money Shot

Many a slasher movie tries to awkwardly wedge in sexual situations to gratify audiences. Species does us one better by intertwining sex with the impending carnage. It's shameless, but effective; the result being an alien invasion that at least half the planet would be helpless to withstand.

MMM: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised

Happy Halloween stargazers! For the past week, Reel Whore has been celebrating its my Week of Reel Whorror! in honor of this day. There's still one more installment waiting in the wings for The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series, but to tide you over until its release, here's a group that totally embodies this past week's out-of-this-world vibe with a fitting video for Halloween. Enjoy!

Daft Punk - Around the World

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 6

The sixth day of my Week of Reel Whorror! is nearly over which means Halloween is right around the corner. For today's selection, I have chosen last month's Apollo 18 to join the ranks of The Invasion Will Not Be Televised. 


Apollo 18

Release: 09.02.11
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 26 minutes



A Netflix Night




 Commander Nate Walker (Lloyd Owen, TV: The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles), Captain Ben Anderson (Warren Christie, TV: Alphas), and Lieutenant Colonel John Grey (Ryan Robbins, TV: Sanctuary) are tapped by NASA to man the Apollo 18 mission to the moon. Although officially, the Apollo program had ended with the seventeenth mission, the Department of Defense green-lights their mission to install early detection equipment to warn of missile launches from the USSR. With Grey manning the Freedom Command module, Nate and Ben make moonfall in the Liberty lunar module and begin to work. It isn't long before the two begin to suspect the camera equipment is meant to identify something far more dangerous than Soviets.

Maybe it was some sort of solidarity move or maybe just coincidence, but the theater showcasing Apollo 18 was completely without heat, so I and one other patron sat there, in the vast dark, struggling to stay warm as the "found-footage" of the Apollo 18 mission flashed before us. You'd think my numb toes and chattering teeth would have been enough to keep me alert, but it wasn't long before my eyes were rolling into my head like Regan MacNeil.

Apollo 18 suffers from a few issues.The most annoying issue is the end-of-reel cuts and the intentional low quality blurring. In an effort to give the story an authentic feel, these effects were added to the scenes. Over time it just grows more annoying, especially since the end-of-reel cuts always end on some foreboding moment. Even more annoying is the constant static and buzz Nate and Ben encounter when communicating with John and Mission Control. It feel incessant, and detracts from the characters.

Which is the major problem for Apollo 18. Some equate it to a Paranormal Activity ripoff, and there are some obvious similarities, the difference is the audience is barely given time to sympathize with the characters. Nate, Ben and John spend the first act rattling off space jargon; launch protocols, equipment installation and sample collection. While it's an accurate portrayal of life during a moon mission, it's hard to develop a connection when non-astronauts are listening to their technical jibber-jabber.

Dirty Undies

Apollo 18 deserves credit for providing a few jump scares, but don't expect much in the way of gore. There's one dusty corpse, an infected laceration, and a pair of bloodshot eyes in dire need of Visine. I can't say that I was all that impressed by the alien menace, but I'll spare the details so as not to spoil it.

The Money Shot

I had hoped Apollo 18 would be mildly entertaining, and that's exactly what I got. So if the trailers piqued you're interest, it may be worth your time. Even though Apollo 18 was shooting for the moon, it didn't land among the stars of alien horror.
 

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 5

Wow, it's already the fifth day of Reel Whore's Week of Reel Whorror! Next up in The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series I have another John Carpenter classic from the '80s, which is an adaptation of Ray Nelson's short story Eight O'Clock in the Morning.


They Live

Release: 11.04.88
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes



Full Price

One thing is for certain; John Carpenter loves adapting stories about aliens. It can also be said that he loves to work with Kurt Russell, except that the hero in They Live is wrestler Roddy Piper (Hell Comes to Frogtown). Piper plays a drifter who arrives in Los Angeles looking for work. You see, times are hard, the economy is in the toilet and people are fed up with the wealthy elite running the country into the ground. Times haven't changed that much, huh? However, in They Live, aliens disguised as humans are at the root of the financial imbalance. They reward humans who aid them in their exploitation of Earth's people and resources. And they would have continued to rape the planet for decades had the lowly drifter not found those spanky sunglasses. 

As silly as it sounds, a small resistance force develops sunglasses and contact lenses that allow humans to see the aliens and their subliminal, consumerist messages. The drifter gets his hands on a pair, and like any red-blooded American confronted with a malicious alien menace, grabs the first gun he can find and starts wrecking shit. 

For this self-nominated savior, there are few better choices than Piper. He stomps around kicking ass and spouting some great one-liners. If you've ever heard the quote, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubble gum," you can thank Piper for delivering one helluva ad-lib. He's not the most adept at the softer scenes he shares with the striking-eyed Meg Foster (Blind Fury), but '80s audiences liked their heroes hard so that's not too important.

They Live also features one of my favorite knock-down, drag-out beatings. The drifter basically tries to convince his new-found friend Frank (Keith David, The Thing) of the alien menace by stomping a mud hole in his ass in the middle of a dirty alley. Piper puts his wrestling training to good use as David isn't one to go down easy. After several grueling minutes, Frank joins the cause and they go off to kick ass and chew bubblegum together. 

Dirty Undies
The drifter and Frank rack up a healthy alien body count as they run roughshod through LA. There isn't a lot of blood or gore, but it's action for action's sake, which keeps the pace moving. If you're patient, Carpenter slips in a sexual situation at the very end; it does have its purpose, and the nudity is a bonus.  

The Money Shot
They Live is still an awesome flick twenty-three years later and its social commentary is, unfortunately, still relevant. Carpenter sets up the story, gets to the meat of the matter and doesn't dawdle after the resolution. If you're tired of seeing Michael Myers loiter on the streets of Haddonfield, watch Rowdy Roddy mop up in LA.

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 4

The weekend is upon us and so is Day 4 of The Invasion Will Not Be Televised. I couldn't really do an alien horror recap without including at least one film about the pod people!

Body Snatchers

Release: 10.14.11
Rated R
1 hour, 27 minutes



Group Rental




There's quite a few films based on the Jack Finney novel The Body Snatcher, this just happened to be the one I could get my hands on most easily. Having now suffered through it, I understand why. I'm getting ahead of myself so let's start at the beginning. 

Marti (Gabrielle Anwar, For Love or Money) is none too happy about being moved to a military base with her dad Steve (Terry Kinney, Sleepers), little brother Andy (Reilly Murphy) and step-mom Carol (Meg Tilly, The Two Jakes). Dad works for the EPA and has to run samples on the toxic goo General Platt (R. Lee Ermey) is storing on-site. To make things worse, her brother and Major Collins (Forest Whitaker) are ranting about the strange behavior of the base's inhabitants. As everyone is consumed by pod people, the only plus for Marti is the hunky chopper pilot Tim (Billy Wirth, The Lost Boys) who has taken an interest in her.

Despite the Netflix rating, I was kind of excited to see Body Snatchers. Gabrielle Anwar, R. Lee Ermey and Forest Whitaker made for a nice cast pedigree. Plus I was psyched, Abel Ferrara, director of Bad Lieutenant was at the helm. Even with all this going for it, Body Snatchers seriously sucked. Granted, it does have its moments. Whitaker's insane, pill-popping rant opposite Ermey is a must-see scene. Tilly's freaky "Go Where" interrogation is a chilling turning point. Then there's everything else. The impending doom of the body snatchers is barely developed before the shit hits the fan. There are tons of squandered opportunities to show the take over by the pod people, but instead audiences are given a slew of characters who just randomly turn up as cabbage heads two scenes later.

Dirty Undies

To its credit, Snatchers gives audience some decent podding effects and gore as well as a few flashes of nudity. There's even one seductive scene featuring Anwar which is both hot and creepy. Hot because she's hot, but creepy considering she's portraying a seventeen year old (by the by, she was in her early twenties when this was filmed). There's also a random display of Rambo: First Blood Part II carnage, though it served more to pad the runtime rather than contribute to the story.

The Money Shot

Ultimately, Body Snatchers is a whole lot of staring and a little but of running. If what Andy says about the pod people is true and they do get you when you sleep, their best chance to snatch you will be if decide to queue this up.

Trailer Trash: The October 28th Quickie

Time for a brief intermission from the Week of Reel Whorror to showcase all the goodies Hollywood is tempting us with this Halloween weekend. Taking a look at IMDb we've got jack shit in terms of spooky and scary. It's all animated cats and a singer-wannabe-action star... Hmmm, that actually does sound pretty scary, only for entirely different reasons.
 

In Time The stench of action vehicle hangs off this as badly as last month's lame Lautner flick, Abduction. In Time has got a ton of talented, and gorgeous, people surrounding and supporting Justin Timberlake. I guess that's supposed to somehow convince audiences to take him seriously. Where's Ben Foster and Ryan Gosling when you need them?



Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Puss in Boots I love the point Dylan over at Man, I Love Films made, " I don’t know about you, but I already saw The Mask of Zorro." I would actually be somewhat psyched to see this except it unnerves me that the trailers rely on those risque golden egg jokes to sell this KIDS movie! Why not just let your house apes settle in with Bad Santa this holiday.




Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Rum Diary This may come as a shock to some, but I didn't much care for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. This film looks like a much...tamer, imagining of the Hunter S. Thompson's work; kind of like Palahniuk's Choke was to Fight Club. I'm certain Depp and the drool-worthy Amber Heard will give it their all, I just won't be there to see it. 




Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Enough distractions, time to get back to the whorror!

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 3

Hey stargazers! After tackling John Carpenter's The Thing yesterday, why not roll into Day 3 of The Invasion Will Not Be Televised with the recent rehash starring North Carolina's own Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

The Thing

Release: 10.14.11
Rated R
1 hour, 43 minutes



Full Price




In 1982, scientists at a Norwegian research station discover an alien spacecraft buried beneath a 100,000 years worth of ice. Paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Black Christmas) is recruited by the project lead, Dr. Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen, Hitman), to catalog and identify the accompanying life-form found outside the craft. But once the alien ice pop is brought to the lab, the warm, monstery center explodes from its casing before the crew can even get in their three licks. As the creature preys on the staff, the remaining crew begin to suspect one another as the latest host of this unknown menace.

I went in to The Thing 2011 believing it to be a remake of the John Carpenter's take on John W. Campbell Jr.'s story Who Goes There?. Turns out this version is a prequel which I though was a phenomenal concept. Instead of attempting to tweak, or directly copy, elements of Carpenter's version, first-time film director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. and writer Eric Heisserer are given a chance to interpret the idea of fighting this alien menace as they see fit.

By doing this, audiences are treated to a new group with a differing set of flight-or-fight responses to their hunted status. It's like having the new crop of killees in a Freddy or Jason flick; the viewers know the threat, but the enjoyment comes from watching the potential victims try to a) work out a means to survive and b) work together to do it. Like in Carpenter's version, dissension within the ranks happens quickly, especially considering Lloyd and Dr. Halvorson were already embroiled in a pissing contest before the alien threat. Overall, the cast nail that frantic uncertainty.

Dirty Undies

I'm torn about the monster effects. There's something magically creepy about the latex and goo of the Carpenter "things," but CGI allows the new and improved "things" to move, twist, and destroy in ways that were cost and logistically prohibitive back in the '80s. The new "things" had a few noticeable improvements to amplify the gut-n-gore factor without being an orgy of effects.

This go 'round, the research station was manned with a couple of non-mans which provided some nice equal opportunity ogling. Still they're in Antarctica, so not much of chance to catch either sex in their skivvies.

The Money Shot    

Solid acting, gruesome deaths and an excellent bridge to the Carpenter version, The Thing 2011 gave me a theatrical experience I honestly hadn't expected. Like the alien, The Thing 2011 is an extension of The Thing 1982; it's part of the whole, but it's also a separate beast out to infect it's viewer with tingly feelings of fear and dread.

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 2

Welcome to Day 2 of Reel Whore's Week of Reel Whorror! Next up in The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series is the classic '80s adaptation (but not the first adaptation) of John W. Campbell Jr's short story Who Goes There?


The Thing

Release: 06.25.82
Rated R
1 hour, 49 minutes



Full Price




It took me the better part of nineteen years watch John Carpenter's The Thing. To be fair, I would have been six when this was released and my folks weren't real big on going to the movies. Upon the addition of VHS to our home, I was more excited about perusing the new release racks than revisiting all those old films. Luckily, Hollywood felt the need to remake The Thing this year, so I queued up the original and now I hate that I put it off watching it for so damned long!

In a most bizarre beginning, a sled dog is racing across Antarctica being chased by a rifleman in a helicopter! The pooch  makes it to an American research outpost just as the crew heads out to see the commotion. The crazed rifleman, a Norwegian unable to speak English, springs from the the chopper and, after nearly killing one of the Americans is shot for fear that he'll kill them all. In the commotion, a sinister creature has infiltrated their camp. Trapped by a winter storm with a creature that can assume the appearance of their prey, the men begin to point fingers and guns at the one's they think are the threat.

Heading the cast is Kurt Russell who plays the chopper pilot, MacReady. Though he's not the big man on the totem pole, when the shit goes down, you know everyone turns to Russell. In addition to Russell, The Thing is chock full of great '80s actors like Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, Charles Hallahan, Richard Masur, Donald Moffat and Keith 'Mutha Fuckin' David! You couldn't ask for a better group of guys to be trapped with an alien in the freezing cold. Well, except that Brimley's Dr. Blair goes nutso and wrecks shit in an attempt to save humanity. Together these guys are so believably freaked out by the events that even the audience wonders who's who.

Dirty Undies
I'm not sure if it's that the drugs of the '80s were just that good or if Carpenter and creature creator Rob Bottin were still high on '70s opiates, but the creatures are amazingly freaky. Watching The Thing is kinda like attending a pig pickin'; live things are killed and torn to shreds, blood is splattered everywhere, and every once in a while a meaty chunk gets barbecued. Speaking of meat, this was cast as a sausage fest in an icebox so don't expect any enticing sexual imagery.

The Money Shot

Thanks to great creature efffects, wonderfully paranoid acting, and shit getting torched or blown up every few minutes, The Thing holds up amazingly well. It's so tense that you barely wonder why you don't always see people's breath when their exposed to the elements or how folks can run out into the cold, Antarctic night AND THEN put their jacket on. Small foibles aside, The Thing is a creature feature you should not let stay hidden.

Week of Reel Whorror!: The Invasion Will Not Be Televised - Day 1

There's only one week left before Halloween, and that means it's time for the official raising of the Reel Whore's Week of Reel Whorror! This year's whorror theme is The Invasion Will Not Be Televised. For those a little slow on the uptake, this means the Reel Whore is getting invaded by ALIENS! But you can damn well bet I'm the one that'll be doing the probing!

Let's kick off this party with a flashback to one of 2010's better alien movies featuring a monster we should all know, respect and fear:

Predators


Release: 07.09.10
Rated R
1 hour, 46 minutes


Full Price



Ever have those dreams where you're falling? You wake up and all is okay. Well, the mercenary Royce (Adrien Brody, The Thin Red Line) has it worse. He wakes up to find himself in a freefall over a jungle. His chute opens automatically just as he plummets through the canopy. He lands next to an enforcer named Cuchillo (Danny Trejo, Desperado). After a series of awkward icebreakers, seven of the baddest mofos from Earth and one spazzy doctor (Topher Grace, Spider-Man 3) band together on an alien planet to defend themselves from being shredded by a group of Predators.

You would think a small group of highly-trained killers armed with a variety of weapons would be unstoppable, but the Predators' massive size, hunting skills, and advanced tech makes these folks look like children with slingshots. Surprisingly, the underdogs turn out to be quick learners, surviving far longer than you might expect. That, in large part, is due to Royce and his super-mercenary skills. For a lone gunman, he quickly brings the group under control, guides them through the foreign terrain, and even identifies the many hunting techniques being employed against them. The only ability he didn't have was using that ginormous bill to sniff out the cloaked creatures.

Like any diverse array of victims, um, I mean characters, they won't all go down in a shining blaze of glory. I was mostly pleased by each person's encounter with the Predators. The first casualty totally pissed me off; not in execution (pardon the pun), but in the executed. My only major qualm with the choices of director Nimród Antal (Vacancy) is that he fails to capitalize on one particular character in earlier scenes. Had this character been better established, it would have made for a stronger climax. Sorry for being vague, but I'm trying to not ruin anything for audiences.

Dirty Undies
Tense and violent, Antal really captures the hunted vibe of the original Predator. The creatures look amazing and if anything has changed from their original look, it's that they are more menacing. I have to agree with Walton Goggins (TV: Justified); Alice Braga (I Am Legend) does have an awesome ass. She can also kick ass with the best of 'em. But, of all the gun-toting, ass-whooping humans on the planet, nobody beats Goggins's portrayal of death row inmate Stans. Had the man actually had a firearm, I can only imagine the hurt he would've put on those aliens.

The Money Shot
Predators is not without its problems, but did anyone seriously expect it to be a masterpiece of cinema? No. I went in expecting Predators to kill some folks, but also get what they had coming to them, and somewhere along the way, see some shit explode. It achieves all three while staying true to the heart of the original concept. What more can you really ask for?

MMM: Come Back and Haunt Me

95% of the time, I could do without the incessant advertising reel played before movies. I'm not talking about trailers, but the loud, grating mass of interviews, scene snippets about upcoming television shows and movies and commercials about cellphones, cars and random social causes. Even if you don't go to the movies as much as I do, by now I'm sure you've seen this particular commercial which I totally expected to be sponsored by some sort of non-profit foundation, but should not have been surprised when it was a restaurant ad. Maybe it's their environmental message or their song selection, but luckily for Chipotle I'd place their commercial right up there with the Dean Winters' Allstate commercials, in the tolerable 5% of advertising.

I missed my chance to see Willie Nelson in concert last week, so here's a little taste of Willie covering Coldplay while hocking the taste of Chipotle.

Willie Nelson - The Scientist

As a bonus, and in honor of the release of their latest album, here's the original version of The Scientist.

Coldplay - The Scientist

And just because he's awesome, here's Dean Winters in one of my favorite Allstate commercials.

Allstate: "Raccoon" Dean Winters

Trailer Trash: The October 21st Quickie

Another weekend of cool and sunny weather in my area. As easy as the Reel Whore is, the theater is going to have to offer up one helluva movie to coax me into a seat. Checking both IMDb and The Numbers tells me we have four major releases vying for our attentions, but is our attention warranted?

Johnny English Reborn I swear I watched Johnny English back when it came out, but I can't tell you the first thing about it besides Rowan Atkinson starred alongside Natalie Imbruglia. Yeah, Imbruglia, I know. Reborn looks like mild, silly fun, and movies like that play best on cable television which is where I'll catch this.




Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Mighty Macs Since the boys can't resolve the lockout, let the ladies sate your b-ball appetites. This is a true story tale of inspiration about an all-women's Catholic college basketball team from the 70s. Carla Gugino stars and she always inspires me to go to the movies. Bonus, Bones fans can get their David Boreanaz fix while they wait for the new season to begin. Sounds like a win-win all around.



Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Paranormal Activity 3 The idea of a sequel to Paranormal Activity excited me so much last time that I never saw it. The teaser trailer for the third installment was equally snoozeworthy. But I have to admit the latest trailers where folks are being thrown around like rag dolls are pretty cool. Cool enough to go see it opening weekend, eeehhh don't think so.



Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The Three Musketeers Milla Jovovich is my go to action actress and I will see just about anything she's in, but this looks so colossally terrible that not even my love her can justify wasting the money. I wonder whose ass is gonna get reamed when the weekend box office numbers are released next week. 




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


That's all I got folks. Come back next week, big doings are in the works.

MMM: No Shoes, No Shirt, ...

Up today is my new favorite ham. Sorry, I meant jam - guess I still have that massive country ham biscuit on the brain from yesterday's trip to the Fair! Since I'm on the subject of porkly goodness, the video for this Monday Mood Music selection is a serious sausage fest, so consider yourself warned. That said, enjoy!

LMFAO - Sexy and I Know It

I'm just wondering how many speedo sportin' dudes are going to be strutting around the clubs Halloween weekend. Kinda makes me want to stay home and pass out candy to the kiddies.

Trailer Trash: The October 14th Quickie

A bright and sunny weekend lies ahead, the State Fair is in town and AMC's The Walking Dead premiers. This leaves very little time for going to the movies. If you or I do make it to the theater, IMDb says there are three major releases looking to lure us away from its competitors. The question is which, if any, has the right stuff to do just that?


Footloose The idea of banning dancing and good ol' Rock'n'Roll seemed redonkulous in 1982 and remaking the concept for today's headphones-wired-into-our-cortex society deserves a new descriptor. How about Footfukintardtastic?

Maybe not. No worries. I've got plenty of time to come up with one since I'll be staying way the fuck away from this one.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


The Big Year I'm very excited about The Big Year. Don't misunderstand, the trailers gives me some serious heebie-jeebies. I'm guessing this will be a colossal fail. I'm excited because its release means Steve Martin will be hosting SNL very soon thus tying Alec Baldwin's record. Those eps are always a blast to watch.




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


The Thing No lie, I watched the original for the first time two days ago and it held up pretty damned well. Not sure how this remake will fair, but its got three things going for it;

Mary,
Elizabeth,
Winstead.  

North Carolina Represent!


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Daylight's burning stargazers. I'm off to enjoy the hell out of my weekend and I hope you do the same.

MMM: When We're Spinning

Morning stargazers. I've had a few crazy-busy weeks, but I'm hoping things will start returning to normal today. It better, because the State Fair opens this week and I need time to consume my yearly requirement of fried goodness.

Speaking of being consumed, the fall television season is in full gear and I am as happy as a schoolgirl that the BBC series Luther is back. If you haven't gotten into this show, Netflix is streaming the first season. It's the perfect time to jump on board. Besides there's only six episodes from last season and this season is only four episodes; not a huge commitment.

In the meantime here's the theme song from Luther. This may be a repeat selection, but enjoy it just the same.

Massive Attack - Paradise Circus

By the way, this is not the official video for Massive Attack's song, this is. Their video is not safe for work, so it might be best to enjoy it this evening.

Trailer Trash: The October 7th Quickie

Oh how the day has gotten away from me. But the weekend is here and IMDb says we have two new releases to enjoy. Since I'm already behind the gun, I'll try and keep my comments to five words of less. 


The Ides of March 


 Clooney & The Gos...mmm.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


 



 Real Steel


The Robotic Rocky.



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!




 I think that about sums it up. Have a great weekend at the movies and I'll catch you on the flipside.

MMM: Jean Claude Van Damme You're Sexy!

Morning folks! I'm in the mood for something light and fun to kick off the week. For that I turn to the musical talents of Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome. Kate you may know better from her semi-regular role as Shelley on Raising Hope while I affectionately remember Riki as the psycho girlfriend from Last House on the Left. Also each makes one-half of the musical duo, Garfunkel and Oates. No matter how you know them,just be sure you do because they're gonna be here making us laugh with music, movies and television for a long time to come.

Garfunkel and Oates

One Night Stand

And here's a bonus vid to really get you psyched for the week:

Running With Chicken

Trailer Trash: The September 30th Quickie

Since I'm running late with this week's edition, I'll just get down to brass tacks. Here's my knee-jerk reaction to the trailers of the three major films on IMDb's release list. 


50/50 From 3rd Rock from the Sun to 500 Days of Summer to 50/50, I'm starting to think JGL has a thing for numerically titled projects. No matter, I love the fella enough to overlook his eccentricities. This film was originally in my Fall Top 10, but now I'm 70/25 about it; 70% wants my JGL fix, 25% is tired of Rogen's fugly mug (see poster at right). The other 5%? Stuck on determining the hotness of Anna Kendrick.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Dream House Maybe this is a fantastic mystery or maybe Daniel Craig just pulled the short straw out of the Great-Actors-Swindled-Into-Overly-Twisty-Thrillers jar. Considering that I'm not a big fan of Craig's costars and that the trailers are murky at best, I'm going to wait and see this when I can pause it for stretch breaks.




Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

 
What's Your Number? You know I love you, don't you Anna? But why do you test our love so? Love can only take so much. This plot seems about as complex as a maze with no turns, but Anna and her supporting cast (Martin Freeman, Ari Graynor, Thomas Lennon, etc.) should help liven up the plodding path. Might be time to dig up Just Friends and remember the good times.



Verdict:  It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone. 

Looks like 50/50 tops my must-see list this weekend... right below Killer Elite which I didn't have a chance to see last week. What's on your must-see in theaters list right now?

MMM: Wake Up!

Yaaaawwwwn!!! Oh, g'morning stargazers. It's been hard to get up and get moving (That's what she said!). Luckily the caffeinating magic of Mountain Dew is flowing through my veins which should keep me upright and attentive at least until lunch. I'm guessing I'm not the only person dragging along this Monday so here's a song with some teeth that'll dig into our ears and keeps us shook up. Even though the first line is Wake Up!, the sentiment is a little deeper than keeping yours eyes open.

System of Down - Chop Suey!

For the trivia buffs out there, Chop Suey! earned System of a Down their first Grammy nomination. And if you didn't know, now you know.