Sorry, this post has nothing to do with Natasha Henstridge or the movie Species, I just like both of them a lot and wanted to use that freaky yet hot image!
You may have missed the subtle introduction to the Week of Reel WHorror; it was buried in this week's Monday Mood Music. Today's post is a walk down memory lane at the Reel Whore. I watch a lot of horror flicks, but surprisingly, I have not posted as many as I have thought. Since everyone is hungering for some horror and gore this time of year, I have added the Reel WHorror label to any old post that qualifies as disturbing fare.
Some links are horror, others thriller, and a few are just gory goodness. I even tossed in a couple of posts for the Siren of the LAMBs battle royale featuring my Baby Firefly fan fiction. If you missed out on it, read it...if you dare!
It's the last day of the Week of Reel WHorror! Do you really think I'll start talking about Grindhouse or it's sexy stars Freddy Rodriguez and Rose McGowan now?
The big day is here. Day 5, best recognized as Halloween, is upon us! The only day scarier than October the 31st is Friday the 13th. That's why this past week I have been steeping myself in the legend of one the greatest slashers of my time, Jason Vorhees. I've seen all the movies in the series at one time or another but until this past week, I had never taken the time to view them from frame one to the last. There's been some moments great, bad and just plain lame.
13 Observations about
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th
Good: Betsy Palmer is bat-shit insane as Pamela Vorhees! Bad: Marcie's final wash up - she gives up before the axe falls. Lame:Crazy Ralph comes to Crystal Lake to forewarn the counselors. How? Jumping out of the pantry to scream doom to a solitary Alice. Crazy is as crazy does.
Friday the 13th Part 2
Good:We simultaneously learn Jason doesn't kill dogs, but he really shouldn't leave home without his mask. Bad: A one-eyed flour sack? For real! Lame:Despite all the murders on Crystal Lake, Jason's shanty-shack is never discovered but is found by three random people in the course of this one day!
Friday the 13th Part III
Good: The origination of the famously recognizable hockey mask. Bad: Any non-murderous, gimmicky 3-D moment (and most murderous ones too). Juggling apples and dangling yo-yo's may have been 3-D theater worthy in '82 but it doesn't fly now. Lame: Plot is a Pamela-Jason vice versa redux of the original.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Good:Corey Feldman goes bat-shit insane as Tommy Jarvis! Bad: Pronounced and presumed dead for an insanely long period of time only to wake and kill again. Lame: The Final Chapter is named The Final Chapter.
Those of you who made it through elementary school having not drowned in a lake during summer camp may realize two things; this is only twelve observations about only four of the films.
13) The original series, I-IV even including the painful Part III, has a quality that wasn't quite ever matched once Jason officially went to his grave. Sure Jason Lives, Jason X and Freddy Vs. Jason have great camp value, but once they sort of "closed the book" on Jason it was never quite recaptured.
If you've been following my Week of Reel WHorror! closely you know that what follows has nothing to do with the hunky Christian Bale or his role as Patrick Bateman in the glorious American Psycho.
I've decided to kill two birds with one stone on Day 4. Because Day 3 was a barrage of one horror review after another, today will be a barrage of images. I promised months back to post my photos from my vacation to the San Diego Comic Con. I'm making good on that promise today. The various toys, celebrities and costumed attendees should give you more than a few ideas for the perfect, last-minute Halloween costume!
Celebrities: If you know what's good for you, follow the Mistress of the Dark to see all the great celebrities I met during the Con.
Toys: Where do they get those wonderful toys? After all, the Con isn't just about all the cool and crazy folks you meet.
Costumes: If you think this bloody Wolverine looks sweet as hell, you haven't seen nothing yet. Every kind of costume, from movies to TV to games and more, was on display by the attendees.
Celebrities, Part II: Alas, not every wish can come true. These are my near brushes with celebrities. If only I had been a little earlier or a little closer...
The above image is a still from Descent. It's a shame today's installment has nothing to do with this totally awesome horror movie or the totally hot Natalie Mendoza.
After Day 2 of the Week of Reel WHorror, I was more than a bit disturbed to find so few horror films showcased in my year-plus worth of posts. To remedy this situation, I searched my pre-website digital cemetery for reviews of worthy horror films that stargazers may have overlooked upon their initial release.
Though I dug up more than fifty reviews, I whittled my selection to three in honor of Day 3, but also because fifty posts in one day would be a bitch to read! These reviews will be posted under my Repeat Bidness title throughout today.
Hello stargazers. It's been a week since I've posted. I wish I could say I've been hard at work doing great things, but the truth of it is the daily grind had me neck deep in drudgery. That's neither here nor there. All that's important is that today is not only the day for another installment of the Monday Mood Music, but it's the beginning of the
Week of Reel WHorror!!!
muahahahahahahaha!
ahem...anyway. The theme of this year's Week of Reel Whorror! is a walk down memory lane. Specifically, I will be reliving horror memories of my childhood. I don't know what this says about my parents, but when I was but a wee lad I had my very own album of spooky sounds. Knowing my mother and father, I must have instigated the purchase of this album with threats of a tantrum if it were not done. Not saying I was a brat, but my folks weren't the type to actively seek out scary things for their firstborn. But I digress.
The point is I recall laying in the game room, listening to the console speakers crackle as the needle on the turntable converted the grooves of the record into the eerie monologue of Ghostly Sounds.
I remember thinking how cool it was that the LP's front and back made one big image. Oh, how easily impressed we are as children. The album was released in 1975 much like myself. It was put out on the Peter Pan Records label and is credited to Gershon Kingsley and Peter Waldron. You can find the album for sale online if you're looking for that perfect gift to frighten your child. Lucky for me, my folks still have my copy and the console stereo to play it. To christen the start of the Week of Reel Whorror, here now is the second track:
Ghostly Sounds - Goblins Step, and Laugh
Wow, I forgot how freaky sounding that album was! Sorry that was a bit short, but it was the only clip I could find. Then again, listening to the entire album may be too creepy!
Thinking back to my parents' console stereo, I also remember dancing to one of my mom's first 8-track tapes. Although this song has already been featured as a Monday Mood Music selection, I figure given recent circumstances, no one will mind the opportunity to enjoy this Halloween classic again:
There's only one week left before Halloween, and that means it's time for the official raising of the Reel Whore'sWeek of Reel Whorror! This year's whorror theme is The Invasion Will Not Be Televised. For those a little slow on the uptake, this means the Reel Whore is getting invaded by ALIENS! But you can damn well bet I'm the one that'll be doing the probing!
Let's kick off this party with a flashback to one of 2010's better alien movies featuring a monster we should all know, respect and fear:
Ever have those dreams where you're falling? You wake up and all is okay. Well, the mercenary Royce (Adrien Brody, The Thin Red Line) has it worse. He wakes up to find himself in a freefall over a jungle. His chute opens automatically just as he plummets through the canopy. He lands next to an enforcer named Cuchillo (Danny Trejo, Desperado). After a series of awkward icebreakers, seven of the baddest mofos from Earth and one spazzy doctor (Topher Grace, Spider-Man 3) band together on an alien planet to defend themselves from being shredded by a group of Predators.
You would think a small group of highly-trained killers armed with a variety of weapons would be unstoppable, but the Predators' massive size, hunting skills, and advanced tech makes these folks look like children with slingshots. Surprisingly, the underdogs turn out to be quick learners, surviving far longer than you might expect. That, in large part, is due to Royce and his super-mercenary skills. For a lone gunman, he quickly brings the group under control, guides them through the foreign terrain, and even identifies the many hunting techniques being employed against them. The only ability he didn't have was using that ginormous bill to sniff out the cloaked creatures.
Like any diverse array of victims, um, I mean characters, they won't all go down in a shining blaze of glory. I was mostly pleased by each person's encounter with the Predators. The first casualty totally pissed me off; not in execution (pardon the pun), but in the executed. My only major qualm with the choices of director Nimród Antal (Vacancy) is that he fails to capitalize on one particular character in earlier scenes. Had this character been better established, it would have made for a stronger climax. Sorry for being vague, but I'm trying to not ruin anything for audiences.
Dirty Undies
Tense and violent, Antal really captures the hunted vibe of the original Predator. The creatures look amazing and if anything has changed from their original look, it's that they are more menacing. I have to agree with Walton Goggins (TV: Justified); Alice Braga (I Am Legend) does have an awesome ass. She can also kick ass with the best of 'em. But, of all the gun-toting, ass-whooping humans on the planet, nobody beats Goggins's portrayal of death row inmate Stans. Had the man actually had a firearm, I can only imagine the hurt he would've put on those aliens.
The Money Shot Predators is not without its problems, but did anyone seriously expect it to be a masterpiece of cinema? No. I went in expecting Predators to kill some folks, but also get what they had coming to them, and somewhere along the way, see some shit explode. It achieves all three while staying true to the heart of the original concept. What more can you really ask for?
The sixth day of my Week of Reel Whorror! is nearly over which means Halloween is right around the corner. For today's selection, I have chosen last month's Apollo 18 to join the ranks of The Invasion Will Not Be Televised.
Apollo 18
Release: 09.02.11
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 26 minutes
A Netflix Night
Commander Nate Walker (Lloyd Owen, TV: The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles), Captain Ben Anderson (Warren Christie, TV: Alphas), and Lieutenant Colonel John Grey (Ryan Robbins, TV: Sanctuary) are tapped by NASA to man the Apollo 18 mission to the moon. Although officially, the Apollo program had ended with the seventeenth mission, the Department of Defense green-lights their mission to install early detection equipment to warn of missile launches from the USSR. With Grey manning the Freedom Command module, Nate and Ben make moonfall in the Liberty lunar module and begin to work. It isn't long before the two begin to suspect the camera equipment is meant to identify something far more dangerous than Soviets.
Maybe it was some sort of solidarity move or maybe just coincidence, but the theater showcasing Apollo 18 was completely without heat, so I and one other patron sat there, in the vast dark, struggling to stay warm as the "found-footage" of the Apollo 18 mission flashed before us. You'd think my numb toes and chattering teeth would have been enough to keep me alert, but it wasn't long before my eyes were rolling into my head like Regan MacNeil.
Apollo 18 suffers from a few issues.The most annoying issue is the end-of-reel cuts and the intentional low quality blurring. In an effort to give the story an authentic feel, these effects were added to the scenes. Over time it just grows more annoying, especially since the end-of-reel cuts always end on some foreboding moment. Even more annoying is the constant static and buzz Nate and Ben encounter when communicating with John and Mission Control. It feel incessant, and detracts from the characters.
Which is the major problem for Apollo 18. Some equate it to a Paranormal Activity ripoff, and there are some obvious similarities, the difference is the audience is barely given time to sympathize with the characters. Nate, Ben and John spend the first act rattling off space jargon; launch protocols, equipment installation and sample collection. While it's an accurate portrayal of life during a moon mission, it's hard to develop a connection when non-astronauts are listening to their technical jibber-jabber.
Dirty Undies
Apollo 18 deserves credit for providing a few jump scares, but don't expect much in the way of gore. There's one dusty corpse, an infected laceration, and a pair of bloodshot eyes in dire need of Visine. I can't say that I was all that impressed by the alien menace, but I'll spare the details so as not to spoil it.
The Money Shot
I had hoped Apollo 18 would be mildly entertaining, and that's exactly what I got. So if the trailers piqued you're interest, it may be worth your time. Even though Apollo 18 was shooting for the moon, it didn't land among the stars of alien horror.
It's here.... The moment you've all been waiting for. Of all the alien invasion films to chose from, the question remains, which is worthy for inclusion in the Week of Reel Whorror!? Naturally, Reel Whore has to end The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series with a personal favorite; a film featuring an alien invasions that's both gory and sexy.
Species
Release: 07.07.95
Rated R
1 hour, 48 minutes
Full Price
Xavier Fitch (Ben Kingsley) is a government mule whose been ordered to terminate his latest little science project. The project is a young girl, Sil (Michelle Williams), who isn't ready to be gassed and instead escapes into the night. Fitch reaches out to a handful of experts, Dr. Stephen Arden (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2), Dr. Laura Baker (Marg Helgenberger), an empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker, Body Snatchers) and Preston Lennox (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs), to assist in locating and neutralizing any threat Sil may pose.
Of all the invasion plots, this is by far the most clever. Aliens send their DNA sequence and an instruction manual on how to incorporate it within our genetic makeup over radio waves. Humans, being the curious creatures that we are, mix up the alien cocktail which grows to be the super hot blonde with an overwhelming desire to procreate. Obviously, no one's going to turn down sex from a horny Natasha Henstridge so presto fucko, you've got an instant alien invasion force being cranked from her womb. Species doesn't quite get that far. Instead it shows the evolution of Sil from the young Michelle Williams (I still can't believe that's her!) to the sultry Natasha Henstridge. Adult Sil is naive to the ways of the world, and director Roger Donaldson (The Bank Job) deliberately shows Sil learning how to interact socially as well as other things like driving. This illustrates her high level of adaptability and helps to explain how she can elude the task force sent to annihilate her.
Sil suffers from what can best be described as nightmarish wet dreams, monsters and demonic trains race through her sleeping mind, hinting at the big bad alien which lies underneath that soft complexion. These further prove how undeniably cheesy Species is. Another reason to love Species is the casting; usually you might have one actor whose now a big name, but almost everyone here has quite the reputation.
Dirty Undies
Did I forget to mention that Henstridge is naked more often than clothed? Gratuitous?...Most likely, but if you ever need the perfect distraction for an alien invasion, it's pretty damned effective. Men, and women, seem to lose all rational thinking when Sil appears before them in the buff. She sidles up all innocent-like and, if she doesn't like what she sees, it becomes a bloodbath of alien tentacles and spikes. For audiences looking for sex and slaughter, it's a win-win.
The Money Shot
Many a slasher movie tries to awkwardly wedge in sexual situations to gratify audiences. Species does us one better by intertwining sex with the impending carnage. It's shameless, but effective; the result being an alien invasion that at least half the planet would be helpless to withstand.
Welcome to Day 2 of Reel Whore's Week of Reel Whorror! Next up in The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series is the classic '80s adaptation (but not the first adaptation) of John W. Campbell Jr's short story Who Goes There?
The Thing
Release: 06.25.82
Rated R
1 hour, 49 minutes
Full Price
It took me the better part of nineteen years watch John Carpenter's The Thing. To be fair, I would have been six when this was released and my folks weren't real big on going to the movies. Upon the addition of VHS to our home, I was more excited about perusing the new release racks than revisiting all those old films. Luckily, Hollywood felt the need to remake The Thing this year, so I queued up the original and now I hate that I put it off watching it for so damned long!
In a most bizarre beginning, a sled dog is racing across Antarctica being chased by a rifleman in a helicopter! The pooch makes it to an American research outpost just as the crew heads out to see the commotion. The crazed rifleman, a Norwegian unable to speak English, springs from the the chopper and, after nearly killing one of the Americans is shot for fear that he'll kill them all. In the commotion, a sinister creature has infiltrated their camp. Trapped by a winter storm with a creature that can assume the appearance of their prey, the men begin to point fingers and guns at the one's they think are the threat.
Heading the cast is Kurt Russell who plays the chopper pilot, MacReady. Though he's not the big man on the totem pole, when the shit goes down, you know everyone turns to Russell. In addition to Russell, The Thing is chock full of great '80s actors like Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, Charles Hallahan, Richard Masur, Donald Moffat and Keith 'Mutha Fuckin' David! You couldn't ask for a better group of guys to be trapped with an alien in the freezing cold. Well, except that Brimley's Dr. Blair goes nutso and wrecks shit in an attempt to save humanity. Together these guys are so believably freaked out by the events that even the audience wonders who's who.
Dirty Undies
I'm not sure if it's that the drugs of the '80s were just that good or if Carpenter and creature creator Rob Bottin were still high on '70s opiates, but the creatures are amazingly freaky. Watching The Thing is kinda like attending a pig pickin'; live things are killed and torn to shreds, blood is splattered everywhere, and every once in a while a meaty chunk gets barbecued. Speaking of meat, this was cast as a sausage fest in an icebox so don't expect any enticing sexual imagery.
The Money Shot
Thanks to great creature efffects, wonderfully paranoid acting, and shit getting torched or blown up every few minutes, The Thing holds up amazingly well. It's so tense that you barely wonder why you don't always see people's breath when their exposed to the elements or how folks can run out into the cold, Antarctic night AND THEN put their jacket on. Small foibles aside, The Thing is a creature feature you should not let stay hidden.
Whether a house is truly haunted by spirits or inhabited by fiendish people, one thing that makes a house truly scary is its history. A house with a history of malevolence, whether true or imagined, makes it far scarier than that cookie-cutter home in the cul de sac. Since the Week of Reel Whorror! has been resurrected, I felt it fair to resurrect another of the Reel Whore's delightful features.The Jizt is the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews and a perfect fit for the busy pre-Halloween weekend.
Cast: Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene), Adam Trese (Zodiac), Eric Sheffer Stevens (Julie and Julia) The Build-up: Sarah returns to her family's lakeside vacation home to help her dad and uncle prep it for sale, but finds herself trapped inside, hunted by a mysterious figure. The Blurt-out: Were it not for Olsen's exceptional acting and magnetic screen presence, my TV screen would have gone as dark as the recesses of this house within the first half hour. The Jizt: Shot as real-time, this tense thriller is the kind of well-made remake that makes me want to go back and see if it improved upon the original film.
Why it's always a good idea to read the manual before operating power tools.
Wow, it's already the fifth day of Reel Whore's Week of Reel Whorror! Next up in The Invasion Will Not Be Televised series I have another John Carpenter classic from the '80s, which is an adaptation of Ray Nelson's short story Eight O'Clock in the Morning.
They Live
Release: 11.04.88
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes
Full Price
One thing is for certain; John Carpenter loves adapting stories about aliens. It can also be said that he loves to work with Kurt Russell, except that the hero in They Live is wrestler Roddy Piper (Hell Comes to Frogtown). Piper plays a drifter who arrives in Los Angeles looking for work. You see, times are hard, the economy is in the toilet and people are fed up with the wealthy elite running the country into the ground. Times haven't changed that much, huh? However, in They Live, aliens disguised as humans are at the root of the financial imbalance. They reward humans who aid them in their exploitation of Earth's people and resources. And they would have continued to rape the planet for decades had the lowly drifter not found those spanky sunglasses.
As silly as it sounds, a small resistance force develops sunglasses and contact lenses that allow humans to see the aliens and their subliminal, consumerist messages. The drifter gets his hands on a pair, and like any red-blooded American confronted with a malicious alien menace, grabs the first gun he can find and starts wrecking shit.
For this self-nominated savior, there are few better choices than Piper. He stomps around kicking ass and spouting some great one-liners. If you've ever heard the quote, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubble gum," you can thank Piper for delivering one helluva ad-lib. He's not the most adept at the softer scenes he shares with the striking-eyed Meg Foster (Blind Fury), but '80s audiences liked their heroes hard so that's not too important.
They Live also features one of my favorite knock-down, drag-out beatings. The drifter basically tries to convince his new-found friend Frank (Keith David, The Thing) of the alien menace by stomping a mud hole in his ass in the middle of a dirty alley. Piper puts his wrestling training to good use as David isn't one to go down easy. After several grueling minutes, Frank joins the cause and they go off to kick ass and chew bubblegum together.
Dirty Undies
The drifter and Frank rack up a healthy alien body count as they run roughshod through LA. There isn't a lot of blood or gore, but it's action for action's sake, which keeps the pace moving. If you're patient, Carpenter slips in a sexual situation at the very end; it does have its purpose, and the nudity is a bonus.
The Money Shot They Live is still an awesome flick twenty-three years later and its social commentary is, unfortunately, still relevant. Carpenter sets up the story, gets to the meat of the matter and doesn't dawdle after the resolution. If you're tired of seeing Michael Myers loiter on the streets of Haddonfield, watch Rowdy Roddy mop up in LA.
Today is normally reserved for my Monday Mood Music, and though it's posting later than usual, it's a selection that also fits in snugly with the Week of Reel Whorror!. Seeing as how this week's all about the evil that houses do or hold, it's impossible not to mention the film Rob Zombie crammed every conceptual ounce of horror into. And, being a rocker prior to debuting as a writer-director, he was all too happy to supply his initial offering with a killer (no pun intended) soundtrack which included his cover of this Commodores classic.
Release: 04.11.03
DVD Release: 08.12.03
Rated R
1 hours, 29 minutes
Matinee
I have to go on record as saying House of 1000 Corpses is perhaps one of the best and one of the worst horror films I have ever seen. Approximately three-fourths of it is edgy and phenomenal in its delivery; the remaining just utter filth and a waste of good celluloid. Then again, the horror genre has a wealth of depraved avenues one can traverse; I just prefer some concepts more than others.
The debut picture from musician turned writer-director Rob Zombie opens on All Hallow's Eve with four college kids traveling along the back roads of Texas (has a familiar ring to it, right?). Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig, Jackie Brown) runs the roadside Gasoline, Fried Chicken, and Horror Museum where the kids stop to stock up for the last leg of their voyage home. The museum tour chronicles notorious mass murderers, including the local legend, Dr. Satan, which sparks the kids’ need to drive out to the fabled killer's remote stomping grounds in the cold, rainy dead of night. One hitchhiker named Baby (Sheri Moon) and one flat tire later, the kids end up at the home of the Firefly family. After partaking in the Firefly Halloween celebration and getting the car repaired, their fun really begins.
The darkest, most twisted character is Otis, creepily portrayed by Bill Moseley (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2). Otis will single-handedly freak you out. He’s the answer to the question “What if Ted Nugent was insane?...correction...an insane mass murderer?” Sid Haig's Captain Spaulding is a vulgar, dreadful delight and may just hold the record for most profanity per minute from a character. Spaulding couldn't open his mouth without making a sailor blush. I always wished Haig would start appearing in more features after 1000 Corpses, but seems only Mr. Zombie appreciates his talent. Sheri Moon's Baby is a sexy, sultry psychotic woman who flaunts it. Her high-pitched, joyful schoolgirl giggle will send chills up and down your spine. My favorite sedate scene with Baby involves a liquor run to the local ABC store with the ingenious name. (I was so enamored by her character that I penned two pieces of fan fiction for the LAMB).
The unsuspecting travelers are played by Chris Hardwick (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines), Erin Daniels (One Hour Photo), Jennifer Jostyn (Deep Impact) and a then, mostly unknown Rainn Wilson (Juno). As each becomes the playthings of their sadistic hosts, they give great ear-piercing screams. The gore and torture are wonderfully sick and twisted; the influences of many horror classics are plainly evident in 1000 Corpses. It's a very bloody and deliberately brutal film with a smidgen of violence tossed in to help offset the blood. Unfortunately, 1000 Corpses has many horrific horror film fumbles that disengaged my interest at times. Likewise, Zombie's direction is tense, creating a nail-biting ambience, but at other moments he segues into a music video vantage with random cuts and digital effects unnecessary to the story's development.
House of 1000 Corpses has something for every aficionado of the horror genre, and that is where it fails. In trying to make a dish palatable to all connoisseurs, Rob Zombie inevitably created a film with some indigestible tripe. That said, it is still a must see. I recommend 1000 Corpses on the well-developed and unique characterizations alone; what you try to get from the rest of the flick is done so at your own risk.
The first time I watched Children of the Corn (the original, not the remake or the umpteen painful sequels) I was staying with my Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Sandy. According to my sister, she was there, too, but that I don't recall. She remembers this because she was so scared at the thought of watching the movie. Ironic considering now she watches more horror movies than I ever have and probably ever will. But at six, she hadn't quite acquired a taste for the macabre.
My aunt had her reservations about showing this to us and told me that she would change the channel if it got too scary or gross. As long as I could watch part of it, I didn't care. She had flipped it back and forth several times, but her plan went terribly wrong towards the end. When Malachai pulled out his blade and lifted it to Vicky's face, I vividly recall my aunt exclaiming, "Ooh, Lord!" and click went the remote. Crisis averted, right? Except the other movie we'd been half-watching was Porky's Revenge. My eyes went from anticipating a blade drawing blood to seeing the naked lug, Meat, being chased around a riverboat by the hefty, and very naked Blossom. Of course, the next thing I heard was my aunt exclaim, as she clamped her hands over my eyes as she fumbled to turn off the cable box completely.
I think I can safely say I'm the only person who was exposed to my first nude scene while watching Children of the Corn. Let's take a look at what the flick's really all about:
Release: 03.09.84 DVD Release: 10.16.00 Rated R 1 hour, 32 minutes
Matinee
Based on the short story by Stephen King, Children of the Corn follows Burt (Peter Horton, TV: thirtysomething) and Vicky (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) as they travel through Nebraska on their way to Seattle. Burt hits a young child with his car, but the situation seems fishy so the couple veer into the nearest town, Gatlin, to seek help. Little do they know the children of the town follow the leadership of a creepy child, Isaac (John Franklin, The Addams Family), who preaches the ways of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
Isaac was one freaky kid with his creaky, morning-gruff voice. But the really scary character in Children of the Corn was Malachai (Courtney Gains, Behind Enemy Lines).Playing the fugly, red-headed, redneck was Courtney's big break into showbiz. They couldn't have cast a better teen for the role because you may forget Isaac, but you will never forget Malachai. Seeing impressionable children as zealous followers of some dark, primal force is a frightening premise. However, Corn seems stretched to reach the ninety minute runtime. Conversations between Burt and Vicky and the two non-wackadoo children, Job (Robby Kiger) and Sarah (Anne Marie McEvoy), are deliberately drawn out. Not bad if hints of the conflict were being given, but the much-needed exposition is held until the final ten minutes where Job has to rattle of major details as if he were John Moschitta, Jr.
Children of the Corn also suffers from significant recurring continuity issues. Those aren't quite as bad as the cheesy glowing lights and sky effects that are used to represent He Who Walks Behind the Rows. It's hard to even grant leniency for effects quality at the time; better choices could have been made to craft a more sinister being than a few angry-faced clouds. The budget must have been blown on Isaac's final scene makeup.
Children of the Corn is still a decent horror movie. It's part of that era when you could consistently count on a film with the Stephen King moniker to be worth watching... for the story if not for anything else.
As Carol Anne would say, They're here. While I've been a complete blog slacker most of this year, there was no way in hell I'd let Halloween go by without resurrecting my Week of Reel Whorror!. For those savvy horror fans, I have no doubt you've deduced this year's theme is houses!. If it's gloomy and creaks or is home to a family of freaks, for the next seven days we'll be taking up residence. If it's got a roof, four walls, and a door that's keeping otherworldly denizens at bay, we'll be part of the group of idiots dumb enough to snoop around. ENTER... IF YOU DARE!!!
House
Release: 02.28.86 Rated R 1 hour, 33 minutes
Matinee
Roger Cobb’s (William Katt) writing career and marriage falls apart after his son mysteriously vanishes from the house of his Aunt Elizabeth (Susan French). After his aunt’s passing, Roger moves into her house and starts penning his latest project, his Vietnam War autobiography, hoping the book will end his terrible wartime flashbacks of his buddy, Big Ben (Richard Moll). However, the house, always thought to be haunted, has plans of its own for the tortured writer.
Billed as a horror-comedy, House is successful at satisfying both descriptors with jump scares, outlandish monsters, and riotous dialogue delivered with deadpan seriousness. William Katt, portraying Roger at first as a tired, suffering writer turns him quickly down the path of full blown looney tunes once the house intimidates him with self-propelled hand tools, flopping fish mounts, and grotesque harbingers. The nervous wreck that Roger becomes is at his most hilarious when he simultaneously flirts with his sexy neighbor and keeps a bloated zombie from wriggling out from under a tarp. The role is also quite physical for Katt; he’s tossed down stairs, into pools of water, and dragged around for a substantial chunk of the story.
Pairing Katt with George Wendt is pure genius. Wendt, who plays Roger’s neighbor Harold, has the role of oblivious neighbor down to a tee. His delivery of the line, “solitude’s always better with someone else around,” still has me cracking up as does his reaction to Cujo, the raccoon. As Big Ben, Richard Moll gets to chew up the scenery by playing crazy with a capital K and shooting up most of the sets.
Following the plot of House isn’t quite as enjoyable. While it’s clear the house is haunted, the supernatural logistics of the house are somewhat at odds with the overarching premise. Sorry if that’s too vague, but I don’t want to give too much away in case you still haven’t had a chance in the last twenty-six years to watch it. All I can say is, House is just further proof of how good the drugs were in the 80s.
Sometimes shocking, sometimes confusing, and sometimes just plain weird, House is entirely entertaining. If you have been putting off viewing it, queue it up before its thirtieth anniversary for a good laugh.
I hope last night you didn't have too many things go bump in the night. No matter, the Week of Reel Whorror! continues nonetheless. Not all houses are built evil. Some have evil bred into them. It's a strange concept to be sure, and some movies do a real shit job in conveying that idea. This is one such story.
In the same way her son Matt (Kyle Gallner, TV: Veronica Mars) can barely stomach his cancer treatments, Sarah Campbell (Virginia Madsen, Number 23)
cannot bear to watch him suffer on their long road trips back to
suburban Connecticut. Sarah and husband Peter (Martin Donovan, The Quiet)
decide to rent a house near the treatment facility to ease everyone's
stress. Sarah finds the perfect house for cheap; perfect and cheap if
you don't mind living in an old funeral home. No one minds, except for
the wayward souls that keep lurking around the Campbell's dying son.
Haunting,
based on true events, tries to strike a balance between Matt's battle
with cancer and the recurring appearance of ghosts in his basement digs.
At times, Matt sees through the eyes of a young spirit, Jonah, who
appears to Matt as an extra crispy version of his former self. The KFC
spectre mainly just stares at Matt and lurches over him while he sleeps.
Startling moments of here-one-second, gone-the-next are the extent of
the film's overused scare tactics. I was more frightened by how often
mommie dearest inexplicably left her children alone for large spans of
time.
The whole damn film is one huge exercise in tedium. Like
most lame-ass, teen-friendly horror flicks, jittery flashbacks tease
audiences with the house's dark side. Whenever the KFC spectre goes on
break, Matt splits his time between entertaining his siblings and cousin
Wendy (Amanda Crew, Sex Drive), and by calling fellow cancer patient, Reverend Popescu (Elias Koteas, Zodiac),
to talk death and ghosts. Judging by the Reverend's baggy attire, I
assume John Goodman backed out of production and the budget didn't allow
for a refitting for Koteas. Regardless, Koteas gives it his all.
Haunting
cuts a lot of corners. Scenes are notably grainy. At first it seemed to
set a mood, but when conversation sequences shift continually between
poorly-shot and strikingly clear, it's friggin' annoying. The script
works the same. When Matt's visits by the KFC spectre are confirmed,
Encylopedia Wendy is on the case and in an afternoon uncovers the entire
history of the hell house. The religious faith of Sarah and the
Reverend are treated as taboo, almost as if the spirits themselves
didn't allow more to be written into the story. I could stomach all
these weaknesses if I wasn't being spoon-fed every other frivolous
detail of the Campbells' life.
Dirty Undies Gentle
scares are mildly unnerving at best. The children seem to be in peril,
but aside from treating Matt like an Etch-A-Sketch, the ghosts do very
little besides stand around. Also, the shockingly horrific reveal
doesn't make a lick of sense! A sure-fire indication a horror flick
sucks is when the explanation creates more questions than it answers.
The Money Shot The Haunting in Connecticut
was so dull, I felt my brain shut off about ten minutes into it. As the
climax approached and I snapped to attention, I realized I didn't know
anything about Matt, his family, the KFC spectre or the other spirits
I'd been watching for over an hour. The worst part? It didn't fucking
matter. When it was all said and done, The Haunting in Connecticut amounted to nothing more than boredom in the theater.
While the Week of Reel Whorror is still on a break, let's take a brief moment to review the results of this month's horror themed round of Fuck, Marry Kill! If you are unfamiliar with the game, here's how it goes:
To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.
The theme of Round 7, Final Girls Fight!, received a total of ten votes. Not too shabby a turnout for just a few weeks of voting. Here's how the queens of the 70s, 80s, and 90s final girls fared under your scrutiny:
Wow! I think these crazy voting splits is a first! Taking a closer look at the votes we see:
It's obvious voters have a love/hate relationship with Sidney, but Laurie and Nancy are on equal footing with one another.
Fuck Sidney: There is something alluring about Sidney Prescott and the bulk of voters are definitely drawn to her. I, too, came close to bedding Ms. Prescott, but ultimately I saw a couple of huge advantages to laying with Laurie Strode. Sometimes, there has to be more than a great pair of lungs on a gal. Marry Laurie orMarry Nancy: If not for my vote, the majority would have made Laurie the marrying type. Lucky for Nancy I swooped in and tied things up. Let's be real; long-term Laurie is a nutcase and no one wants to be hitched to an unbalanced woman (Is that redundant? I kid!) Nancy knows her way around a bedroom and is skilled at using rope, two keeper qualities. Kill Sidney: The Army of Darkness line, "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me," springs to mind for Sidney. As many of us wanted her dead as we wanted her alive and screaming, myself included. Sidney is a fearsome contender, but I just couldn't see her surviving one night with me, let alone for the long haul.
***
This would be the time when I introduce our next set of contenders to the FMK Friday challenge. Instead, I'm going to let these ladies revel in their victories. I now return you to our regularly scheduled Week of Reel Whorror!, already in progress.
Yesterday was all about the first horror movie I ever watched alone. But the first scary movie I ever watched? Ghostbusters! In all honesty, I'd probably watched dozens of movies on Saturday's Million Dollar Matinee broadcast. However, Ghostbusters was the first movie I experienced in my parent's living room that wasn't interrupted by commercial breaks. Let's set the scene.
I seem to recall it was Christmas '85 (possibly '86) and waiting under the tree was a shiny VHS player. Oh, the excitement! To introduce our family to the world of at-home entertainment, we had four movies: Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Care Bears Movie (for my little sister, I swear!), Silverado and Ghostbusters! I'm sure we sat down and watched all of them that very day while we unwrapped our presents and played with our toys. The rest of the day was pretty much a blur.
I had to have watched Ghostbusters several more times and my sister practically burned a hole in The Care Bears Movie before we received the crushing news; the movies were not ours to keep, but Santa had rented them for our enjoyment. Cheap-ass fat man. I learned this when my mom stopped me from trying to peel off the barcode stuck to the side of the tape. What a sad day it was when we had to return those five tapes. That's right; turns out there was a fifth movie I knew nothing about, though now I have a pretty good inkling where Santa's mind was at. But I digress. I can't begin to describe you how exciting it was to see all those movies lining the walls of the video store and knowing that for just a few bucks, they were ours...for three days. So what do I think of the movie?
Seriously?! How can you expect me to review a cornerstone of my infatuation with film? I've seen this movie so many times I can't even watch it like a normal person. I can't see how deconstructing, critiquing and analyzing one of my all-time favorite movies would do anything except destroy my cherished childhood memories. Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson are awesome and that's that!
You don't know how many times the phrase, "we came, we saw, we kicked its ass!" has been uttered in my house. You guys sure did, Bill, you sure did.
It takes a special kind of cinephile to even consider a movie titled, Attack Girls' Swim Team vs the Undead. By the way, it's also known as Joshikyôei hanrangun in its native Japan and Undead Pool by IMDb and the international community. My interest was spawned by a trailer preceding the film, Siren. Never heard of it? Both are Japanese horror films starring adult video (AV) stars. Interested now?
Attack Girls features AV star Sasa Nada as Aki, an orphan raised by a madman and trained as an assassin. Aki wanted more from life; specifically, she dreamed of being a normal high school girl. One night she escapes the complex and slips into a nearby high school. She makes fast friends with a student who encourages her to join the swim team. It just so happens, one of their members has fallen ill and they'd have to forfeit the meet without another swimmer.
Aki agrees and everything seems to be going great. Aki even discovers that her new friend shares a similar birthmark on her chest, leading them to realize they were twin sisters separated at birth! Nothing good comes without a price, however, as the sick swimmer was not an isolated incident. Most of the students and teachers have fallen ill. The strange disease causes those aflicted to turn into shambling, flesh-eating zombies. For reasons unknown, the rest of the swim team seem unaffected by the virus. Under Aki's leadership the girls go on the offensive, trying to stay alive long enough to find a cure.
Is that plot dense and crazy enough for you? If so, don't worry about the hateful swim coach who is brutally murdered only to return unscathed as the nicest teacher on campus. Or let's not ponder why one teacher, when zombified, only speaks English (and yet still gets subtitled)! Attack Girls is a pool of insane ideas that forms a gooey, gushy, sexy, steamy, awkward mess instead of congealing into a poorly executed film. Problems range from minor ones like Aki's vanishing 'birthmark' to a crazy corkscrew mindfuck of a third act where absolutely anything, and I mean anything, goes.
Dirty Undies
Attack Girls is also a misnomer for our band of high school heroines. They should be called Attacked Girls because they are just a group of swimmers who join forces under the leadership of Aki, the only girl with any true fighting skills. Aki does get in a few solid blows, but director Kôji Kawano seems more inclined to have Aki recollect the flute-induced sexual rutting her old mentor gave her at the complex.
The steamy bits aren't all bizarre rape sequences. Any shamelessly exploitative movie rife with teenage girls wouldn't be worth its salt if it didn't include some girl-on-girl action.
The gore and zombie effects aren't much to write home about either. There's a good deal of heavy makeup and colored corn syrup splashed about, but it's all so hokey it could never be considered cringe-worthy.
The Money Shot
I've only scratched the surface of all the problems Attacks Girls suffers from. That said, it's the kind of twaddle that you can't appreciate without having seen it. I recall feeling it was confusing, never-ending crap as the credits rolled, but since then I've found myself smirking at the outrageous silliness of it all. Sometimes terrible movies reach a noteworthy plateau of their own. Would Attack Girls' Swim Team vs the Undead qualify as one of those? You decide.
Happy Halloween Stargazers! As you may have noticed it's Day 7 of the Week of Reel Whorror!, but the last post was only Day 5. Make no attempts to adjust your PC. That post, much like the Freelings' home, and my grandiose plans and good intentions has imploded, never to be seen in our realm. Not one to dwell over spilt milk, or in houses of evil, I am moving on to wrap this domicile-centric endeavor with the premier of a show worth watching, whether it's Halloween or not.
I had my misgivings with the first season of American Horror Story right from the start. It seemed they were trying to cram too many different types of horror into one seemingly innocuous Los Angeles home. I usually give a show three episodes, and by Murder House, the only things that kept me from moving on was Jessica Lange's wonderfully bigoted and hate-filled performance, the promise of yet another delightfully twisted character portrayed by True Blood's Denis O'Hare, and the undeniable allure of seeing Alexandra Breckenridge slinking around in a naughty maid's outfit. Let me tell you just how thankful I am for those three things, especially the latter.
Somehow I made it to the episode Piggy Piggy due to the continued promise of fun guest appearances like Eric Stonestreet, Alessandra Torresani, and Mena Suvari. It was with that sixth episode I realized the show would only last six more episodes, and decided to see where this strange mesh of horror cliches and sadistic characters would lead.
Boy am I glad I decided to maintain residence with the Harmon's a little longer. Each episode got a little darker, the acting of Taissa Farmiga, Evan Peters and Connie Britton had drawn me in. Lange was getting nastier and more mesmerizing with every episode, and I found myself calculating all the possibilities of where it would lead.
AHS hit the final turn with Smoldering Children and turned everything on its head. Even me, with my vast years of television and movie watching was thrown for a loop. I found myself wishing I had waited to watch AHS on DVD; not because it had grown dull, but so I could immediately jump into the next episode. Instead I had to wait and wait for two more whole weeks for the ever darkening conclusion.
In the end, I was mostly satisfied and a little disturbed by it all. I fretted the second season would return for more of the same in the dreary home, particularly when I heard Jessica Lange and Evan Peters, among others, would be returning. I was relieved to hear the setting had changed to an asylum for season 2, though I was concerned it would be more of the same monsters lurking in dark corners. Two episodes in and I am already floored by Lange's Sister Jude, and while the walls are coated with tons more horror cliches, I can't wait to see how they flow together.
If you've not seen Season 1 of American Horror Story, do what I did not give myself the opportunity to do; rent or buy the DVD and plow through the episodes one after another. Unlike going to live in the Murder House, you won't regret it.
To defame or praise a film based solely on the value of its trailer before attending the screening. Ratings: Moist with Antici...pation! Must-see event, uber-exciting. Bring me a towel. It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.Could take it or leave it. (Knowing me I'll take it.) Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.Looks like crap on a stick and will be avoided as such.
