The Hump: No. 29

The Hump: No. 1

MMM: Have A Killer Christmas!

Christmas is right around the corner, stargazers! I'm still scrambling to buy, wrap and send off gifts to my friends and loved ones. I hope you all have your shopping all wrapped up so you can simply enjoy the holiday season.

With only five days left, I decided to splurge and give my readers five songs to enjoy! Conveniently enough the Killers have been releasing Christmas songs for the past five years. The proceeds of every release goes to Product Red, so if you dig their holiday tunes, you can be happy knowing your download will go to a good cause. Enjoy!

Killers - A Great Big Sled (2006)

Killers - Don't Shoot Me Santa (2007)

 

Killers - Joseph, Better You Than Me (2008)

Killers - ¡Happy Birthday Guadalupe! (2009)

Killers - Boots (2010)

FMK Friday: Ball Droppin' Dudes

Damn if this hasn't been a long time coming!  My last round of FMK Friday wrapped up nearly a month ago, but the busy-ness of the season has kept me from posting the results time and again. No worries, the latest round of Fuck, Marry Kill has definitely been worth the wait! If you are unfamiliar with the game, here's how it goes:

To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

The theme of Round 8, Birthday Beauties, received a total of eleven votes. I expected fierce competition between these ladies, but was that the case? Voters overwhelmingly chose to:

Fuck Thandie,
Marry Emma,
Kill Rebecca




Interesting. When we take a closer look at the votes we see:



Poor, poor Rebecca. Here I was thinking she'd give Thandie and Emma lots of competition, and then everyone goes and gives her the axe.

Fuck Thandie: Thandie and Emma would have been tied in this category, but like many voters I had to choose Ms. Newton to help me defy the laws of physics. With her training as a dancer, my guess is every Kama Sutra position would be attainable. 
Marry Emma: Emma and Thandie also tied the knot for wedded bliss prior to my vote. My woman says I've always had a thing for younger ladies, but I'd like to think it's Emma's love of yummy food and great comedies that gave her the edge. While polygamy is illegal, Emma would be worth the risk.
Kill Rebecca: I'm no better than the rest of you! I was never much of a Romijn fanatic until Ugly Betty, but the competition was simply too stiff for her to survive. At least Jerry's granted her a stay of execution.

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Welcome to Round 9! With the new year just around the corner, I wanted a poll befitting the season.  That's why you'll have until the ball drops in 2011 to decide which hunky, wang-dangling actor rings your bell.

In recent years, the proliferation of penis has increased in movies thanks, in no small part, to these fellas. Before you ask, Harvey Keitel has been excluded from competition due to his legendary status as a penis pusher. Conversely, Colin Farrell has been expelled from contention for his exposure in Alexander. There were so many things wrong with that movie, but his sack silhouette was the wrongest of all. That begs the question, who measured up? 

Fuck, Marry, Kill

Ball Droppin' Dudes

From left to right:
Ewan McGregor; He could beat the Cheshire Cat in a grinning contest, but if he drops trou you wouldn't care if the man even had a face. Thanks to his roles in The Pillow Book and Young Adam, audiences recognize his willingness to let it all hang out.
 
Viggo Mortensen; I thought Viggo couldn't get any manlier after taking Maria Bello on the stairs in A History of Violence, then along came Eastern Promises. When it's kill or be killed, not even a towel can keep his manliness under wraps! I can only imagine he'll whip it out and spank it in his next Cronenberg collaboration.

Peter Sarsgaard; Filling out the contenders is Peter with his fearless display of, well, peter in Kinsey. Granted, I don't think anyone, woman or man, could turn down Liam Neeson if propositioned, but it takes a lot of balls to put it out there for all to see.


Round 9 will run through December 31st. That gives you two weeks to show your favorite fella the proper support. When the ball drops, which man will rise above the rest?

Choose wisely.
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Trailer Trash: The December 17th Quickie

Looks like we're in for another mix of major and limited releases stargazers and you know what? I couldn't care less! Why would I care about these when Black Swan finally opens here today! My plans are already made; I know what size popcorn and drink I'll be buying and how many napkins I'll need to wipe up the mess (from the treats, of course!). One better, The Fighter also expanded to my area, which means my Sunday movie schedule is also shaping up nicely.

For those of you who have already been privy to those films, here's the newest offerings from the pipeline, three major and two limited, a la  IMDb.

Tron: Legacy I was stoked about this movie the first fifty or so times I saw the trailer. I even overlooked the so-so special effects used to make Bridges twenty-eight years younger because this looked thrilling. Then I discovered I couldn't watch the original because Disney is withholding it for fear it will ruin the sequel's box office. Oh well, Mouse House, you just lost my ticket.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

How Do You Know Lucky for this movie it stars Paul Rudd or else this lazy-ass poster would've been reason enough to avoid at all cost. My fascination with Mr. Rudd aside, this film draws me like a moth to a flame. Though Nicholson, Wilson, or Witherspoon wouldn't usually be enough of a draw for me, the combined charismatic force of this quartet is irresistible. I predict it's this year's It's Complicated. 


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

Yogi Bear  You don't have to be smarter than the average bear to know this project should have been euthanized before it mauled the memory of yet another childhood classic. Dan Aykroyd should have known better after seeing Bill Murray stomp down the Garfield path. Parents will be looking for kid-friendly fare to shove kids in while they finish their holiday shopping, but that's no excuse for a studio to subject folks to this travesty.

Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

Rabbit Hole (limited) Damned if this doesn't look like the cheery, feel-good film everyone needs during the holidays! I was being sarcastic in case you were wondering. Kidman and Eckhart will undoubtedly deliver phenomenal performances, but I can think of a dozen other films I'd rather watch instead of an emotionally-fueled drama right about now. Catch you in the NFQ!



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.



Casino Jack (limited) Ooh, another film that reminds Americans of how crooked and shifty the inner workings of our government is. Like Rabbit Hole, I'm certain Spacey and Pepper will deliver excellent performances as soulless lobbyists, and also like Rabbit Hole, I am in no rush of paying to see this story.





Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


The long awaited FMK Friday results are just around the corner along with a brand new match-up. Come back soon!
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The Hump: No. 17

MMM: Falling Out of Reach

I had intended for this week's musical selection to be the official music video, but apparently some companies still insist on disabling embedding. That is SO two years ago. Especially considering this week's selection is so eight years ago.

This tune was born from the mind of Raine Maida, lead singer of Our Lady Peace around Christmas 2001. Over his ten day holiday he scratched out seven new songs for their upcoming album, Gravity. Less than a year later, this song was released to the masses.

Now, nine years since it's inception, here is a live performance of Somewhere Out There for your listening pleasure.

Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There

I best jet, Christmas shopping is calling. With only two weeks left, I guess I should get started! Here's hoping your holiday errands are nearly done.

Trailer Trash: The December 10th Quickie

Looking to this weekend, all I'm seeing is more of the same; a couple of take 'em or leave 'em mainstream flicks alongside a few enticing limited releases I won't be privy to until AT LEAST late January. I'm not sure if having more respectable movie options should be reason enough to move to a bigger city, but I can think of worse reasons to uproot yourself. Even though all the good shit won't be coming down the pipe for some time, it's still fun to trash all five of IMDb's listed releases.

The Tourist Best thing about this movie? The Kevin Bacon game just got a whole lot simpler! Depp and Jolie together in a flick that will be forgotten as quickly as it was made. These two are fetching and the action looks peppy, but to me it's nothing more than the winter equivalent of Knight and Day.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Over the years I've made my opinion of Walden Media and their Narnia adaptation pretty clear. That said, this doesn't look nearly as painful as Prince Caspian. It also doesn't look worthy of the $7.25 I would have to shill out for a matinee. Maybe I'll use my free time to honor you stargazers' recommendations I revisit How to Train Your Dragon.


Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

The Tempest (limited) This looks like David Bowie's Goblin King and director Terry Gilliam forced Helen Mirren into an absinthe-fueled threesome on the stage of Shakespeare's Globe Theater. She came out of it kinda crazy, but still looking pretty damned smokin' for a lady of her vintage. The wicked visuals and fantasy rock soundtrack have me more than pissed this isn't open here!

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

The Fighter (limited) A hunky specimen of man, Mark Wahlberg stars alongside another unhealthy version of Christian Bale. No matter his size, Bale delivers. For Amy Adams, this flick may prove you can wipe that indelible cheery spirit from her dimples. Any way you slice it, you've got great talent dishing out gripping drama so why would you not see it?




Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


The Garden of Eden (limited) Last week I was (and still am) all a flutter over the Black Swan Portman-Kunis lesbian romp, but I've got a whole week until it's locally released. I'll have to settle for the girl-on-girl-on-guy antics of Jack Huston, Mena Suvari, and Caterina Murino... Okay, you twisted my arm.
P.S. - Sexual escapades aside, I am worried this adaptation may be a jumbled mess.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.



While I did promise more content here at the Reel Whore, this week was determined to not make it happen. I will be posting the results of my last FMK Friday! and if you stay tuned, I have a new poll that is not to be missed!

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The Hump: No. 50

MMM: And a Dollar Short

A Monday Mood Music on a Tuesday, weird right? A weekend on the road, doctor's appointments and work obligations made it impossible for me to kick off your week with smooth sounds. I won't let it happen again (at least not anytime soon).

This week's selection is a teaser of more to come. Enjoy and have a great week!

Willie Hutch - Foxy Brown

Trailer Trash: The December 3rd Quickie

I'm glad I'm headed to Atlanta in a few hours because film pickins be slim 'round these parts. There is only one major release coming to town this weekend.If you include the limited and very limited offerings IMDb lists the total is seven, but most of us won't be getting these anytime soon. Since I'm getting the shaft on the weekend I go to meet Shaft, I'll keep this week's trash'n to just the major and limited offerings.


The Warrior's Way If you can't wait until next summer for Cowboys and Aliens, one studio decided Cowboys and Ninjas can brighten our Christmas holiday. The trailer had me with the first fantastic wire-works display; casting Geoffrey Rush was the delectable icing on this violent looking treat. It may not live up to my action expectations, but it's not like it has any competition.



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

All Good Things (limited) The first of two films with possible Oscar noms for Ryan Gosling and the trailer makes sure we all know it. Though strong in cast, the trailer is weak in plot details aside from the "inspired by true events" shingle which leaves me less than excited. I'll wait to hear audience reactions before plopping down my hard-earned cash.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Black Swan (limited) Even if I weren't a big fan of Darren Aronofsky's work, they had me at Natalie Portman - Mila Kunis sex scene. Oh, I'm sure the story will be equally awesome. 








Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Reel Whore has been majorly slack in terms of actual movie review content and being out of town this weekend isn't going to help the situation. Maybe if you ask Santa nicely, he can grant your movie review wishes.

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The Hump: No. 31

MMM: Take a Little Trip

For those stargazers who celebrated Thanksgiving over the weekend, I hope it was enjoyable. My holiday trip was full of good food and good times with friends and family. Fresh from that trip, I'm finalizing my plans to head to Atlanta for some geeky goodness. Don't worry, I'll take plenty of pictures to share.

I've also got one more, less fun excursion on the horizon. Trip(s) to local car lots have invaded my future. The wifey's car decided it wasn't ready to travel for the holidays and conked out on her Wednesday evening. At least it didn't leave us stranded on some winding road during the Thanksgiving weekend, but when the ol' girl quit, she quit. It'll cost more to fix her than she's worth so let the fun times begin.

Right now we're looking for the best option to fit our needs. I haven't started having dreams about cars just yet, but before this process is over, I'm sure spinning rims will be dizzying my mind. What better time to choose a love song to cars for the Monday Mood Music?

War - Low Rider

 I'd love to hear any car recommendations or haggling horror stories if you got 'em. Have a great week!

Trailer Trash: The November 24th Quickie

Wow, it feels like I just did one of these... Oh yeah, it's because I did! This week's Trailer Trash has come early thanks to Turkey Day! Everyone has a busy holiday weekend ahead, why not skip the pleasantries and pluck this bird? According to IMDb, here are the four major releases offered up for holiday consumption:


Burlesque If Christina Aguilera wanted to perform with Cher why not just invite her on that mythical tour her fans keep hearing about? I'd easily shell out money to see Cher and/or Christina in concert in lieu of watching this lame flick. Sorry X-Tina, but not even a burlesque number by Kristen Bell can entice me to see your Glitter-ific acting debut. 




Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

Tangled While I do have a tendency to poo-poo many animated offerings, this one actually plays for me. There is a comforting cadence to the comedic timing which reminds me of my favorite Disney films. Although I keep expecting to hear Nathan Fillion's voice come from the fella's mouth, I'm sure I can deal with that minor disappointment.




Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Faster Watching Unstoppable last week has me pretty amped for action, so I'll take whatever Hollywood's dishin'. Seeing The Rock kick ass and take names beats Dwayne's cheesin' comedy any day and Billy Bob is overdue for some scenery-chewin'. Factor in my fascination with Carla Gugino and this is a done deal with the promise to be 1,000 times better than Race to Witch Mountain. 



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation! 

Love and Other Drugs

Hmmm, let's see...

Naked Anne,
Naked Jake,
Viagra.

TICKET PLEASE!




Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!  
 
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Here's to much turkey consumption and much more entertainment this weekend, stargazers. Happy Thanksgiving!

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The Hump: No. 11

MMM: Is That It?

Some songs don't need an exhaustive introduction which is good since I have no time to provide one this week. I was recently reminded of this band at a concert when The Beast covered their tune, Never There. I really get a kick out of this video and I hope you do, too.

Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket

Trailer Trash: The November 19th Quickie

I'm ashamed to admit it, but for all my recent buzzing over some of November's new releases, I haven't been to the theater either of the past two weekends.  The DT's are pretty unbearable at this point so I am hoping a potent injection of mainstream movies will bring me down.

According to IMDb, this weekend promises only two major releases, studios opting to instead hold the film flood until Thanksgiving Eve. Luckily these two choices comprise some of the best options stargazers have had for entertainment... and for me to get my fix.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1  The adverts tout "It All Ends Here" except that it doesn't really. This is Part 1, the true end won't satisfy Potheads until July 2011. Nevertheless, this is the beginning of the end to a franchise that has defined a decade of moviegoers. The snippets and characters previewed excite me, though I'm wary it may be as poorly adapted as the Half-Blood Prince. I've never been a huge fan of the films, but at this point in the series, studios can consider my next two tickets boughten.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!
       

The Next Three Days Creators picked the perfect title. The overall success of the latest Russell Crowe flick hinges on its box office performance the next three days. The Banks-able magic of his co-star will never be enough to expelliarmus Potter from the top spot, but will their combined mojo even be enough to defeat Megamind or keep Unstoppable's train from pulling into third? Only the next three days will tell.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
 
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A couple of decent selections for the weekend. I'll be playing catch up the next three days and I have more options than I do hours to watch them. Exciting!

The Hump: No. 8

MMM: Radar Phone, Not Red iPhone

Morning stargazers. This week's Monday Mood Music has got to be quick and dirty. I've had to hit the ground running after a four day weekend and I'm not sure when I'll catch my breath.

Since I only have five minutes to get this post out in the world, why not chose a song thought up during a five minute coffee break? Sources say producer Mutt Lange felt Def Leppard's Hysteria album needed one more rockin' tune to help the band attain mass appeal. A few minutes and a cup of coffee later, a song was born. Actually, it took another two weeks to smooth the rough edges and record it. Turned out Mutt was right, Pour Some Sugar On Me was a colossal success and is still considered one of the greatest rock songs of the 80s.

It just goes to show, sometimes a few minutes is all it takes. While I get back to kickin' butt and takin' names, enjoy the UK version of the music video for...

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me

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Trailer Trash: The November 12th Quickie

Afternoon stargazers. Sorry for such a late Trailer Trash, but I took the day off and have been running around trying to take care of my bidness. We don't have too many major releases today. In fact one flick opened on Wednesday, but that move still only landed it in third place on the daily box office records. Maybe the weekend will treat it more kindly.  Let's have a look see at that Wednesday opener and the two other movies IMDb lists as our freshest choices.


Unstoppable The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, Goldeneye, Money Train, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and the list continues. Now Unstoppable can add its name onto the list of train-centric action flicks. Whether it'll be a good train movie is another thing entirely. It is a chance for Chris Pine to prove he can play a non-Kirk role and joining Denzel & Tony Scott improves his odds. I'm more excited to see Jay Pharoah parody this on SNL tomorrow so all the more reason to see this ASAP. 

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!
       

Skyline With Eric Balfour and Donald Faison in the lead roles, everyone can at least be excited that anyone can, and probably will, die. Not to knock these fellas; on TV Faison is funny and Balfour plays a douche pretty well, but their film track record isn't too impressive. I'll go see it next weekend if it gets a huge response this weekend or if I can't get into a showing of the new Harry Potter.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
 

Morning Glory (opened 11.10) That's what Harrison calls it when residuals of his little blue pills help jumpstart his morning if ya get my meaning. Ow! Actually, Calista can probably thank some sexy McAdams dream residuals. You did notice all that junk in her trunk, didn't you? Booty aside, this movie looks like such a stinking pile even the trailer attracts flies.



Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

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That's all they released this week. Well, Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer did get a limited release as well. I didn't give two shits about his scandal then, so why would I pay to hear about it now?

By the way if you did miss it, here's a little bonus bounce for your weekend:

Ba-Dunk-A-Dunk!

The Hump: No. 92

The Reports of my Death...

are greatly exaggerated. However, if there have been reports that I'm an idiot, I plead guilty. A little over a month ago, Reel Whore was being barraged with spam comments (sit and spin you damn, dirty spammers!). Even with word verification, I discovered awkwardly written comments leading to unsavory sites daily.

At first I was simply de-commenting the spam, trying to spare you stargazers from further comment restrictions. Daily de-spamming soon became overwhelming so I turned on comment moderation, which I have used in the past. Apparently, I either forgot to enter my email address into the notification settings or it didn't save the address. Either way, I never received notifications of all my wonderful stargazers' comments. I did notice tonight, over a month later, the link on my Dashboard telling me I had 43 comment awaiting moderation.

I. Am. So. Completely. Stoopid. 

I was so busy with work and prepping for the Week of Reel Whorror throughout October, I just assumed my lack of comments was due to lame/uninteresting postage content. Man, I was way off!

I thank you all for your comments. I want you to know I was not ignoring anyone intentionally, I was just a dumbass. I will be working extra hard tomorrow to allow and reply every single comment. Right now, though, I've got to lash myself for my lameness and send myself to bed without any pudding.

I hope we can still be friends.

MMM: No Day But Today

Morning stargazers! You would think this week's selection would be from one of the albums I scored for my birthday, but it's nowhere close. Fact is both of those artists have already been featured in the Monday Mood Music and I wanted something new.

Today's tune isn't exactly new and it wasn't my immediate choice, but it is stuck in my head. Now it's time to be stuck in yours. The clip below is the opening credits from the 2005 film adaptation of the Broadway musical, Rent. Rent opened in 1996, was a critical success and won the Tony for Best Musical. Fourteen years later this song can now be found gracing a Macy's jewelry ad. I don't think that's what composer Jonathan Larson had in mind for his bohemian ballad. Nevertheless, enjoy the film version of his song, Season of Love.

Seasons of Love (Jonathan Larson)

Tracie Thoms rocks. Have a good one, people.
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FMK Friday: Birthday Beauties

Last week I posted the results of my FMK Halloween edition. Now it's November and time for a spanky new round of Fuck, Marry Kill!

To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

Welcome to Round 8. Many of you may not know this, but my birthday is this month. In honor of the day I was born, I'll be pitting three lovely actresses who share my birthday against one another. In selecting the contenders I was surprised to have such a large selection of lovely people. Obviously, it was a good day for birthing sexy folk. Although these ladies were beautiful enough to make it to competition, the question remains, who will survive...

Fuck, Marry, Kill

Birthday Beauties

From left to right

Rebecca Romijn; A California girl-turned-model-turned-actress, Rebecca has been ranked on numerous "sexiest women" lists. You'd never guess she's the mother of twins! Her perfect birthday would be a day of thrift store shopping, a meal of filet mignon and Häagen-Dazs, followed by front row tickets to a Dolly Parton concert.

Thandie Newton; Across the pond, Thandie Newton is a dancer-turned-actress and mother of two also featured on a few "sexiest women" lists. If planning a fun birthday for Thandie it should include horseback riding followed by wine and pastries. Being a practical joker, she'd appreciate a bag of gags or you being a good sport when she pranks you. 

Emma Stone; Despite being the youngest contender, Emma is no stranger to "sexiest women" lists." Whether it's a tasty Mexican place or Morton's, you'll make her birthday a blast by ordering the spinach dip (get your own if you want any!). Put a cherry on top by curling up on the couch with marshmallow sundaes and a DVD of SNL - Best of Gilda Radner.


You may want to remember those gift ideas in case you need to make amends for your vote! Round 8 will run until November 24th. That gives you almost three weeks to decide which birthday beauty is top on your own personal "sexiest" list

Choose wisely.
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Trailer Trash: The November 5th Quickie

November is here and so comes the flood of fall films. Comedies, dramas, romances, thrillers varying from potential award winners to pathetic attempts to hustle audiences out of their money. To kick off the month, IMDb says we have three major releases and two limited offerings to pique our interest. It's a mixed bag, but let's see if there's something for everyone.


 Megamind Moviegoers want to ogle Brad Pitt, not hear him. Tina Fey is funniest when her awkward gestures and facial expressions enhance her dialogue. Will Ferrell's man-child shtick is hilarious due to his physicality. Will these qualities translate into animation? Pfft! I'll surely catch a glimpse of this by Thanksgiving 2011 on HBO before I flip the channel to something actually entertaining.


Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.
       

For Colored Girls An excellent trailer; intriguing, but barely reveals the story. However, this was rushed to get a award-season release. It is also helmed by Tyler Perry, a director not known for quality. I am hopeful the quality of the source material combined with the high caliber of actresses involved will make this more tolerable than Perry's usual fare.




Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
 

Due Date The first trailers weren't too impressive and after a couple hundred promos, I'm getting only mildly funny tingles. RDJ and Jamie Foxx are funny guys capable of serious performances and with Zach G's brand of silliness on the rise, this could have the potential hilarity of Old School. Still, I prefer to be cautiously optimistic about this comedy.




Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


127 Hours A lot of folks are not interested in this true-events inspired story, worrying it'll be slow. Luckily, James Franco isn't too hard on the eyes and director Danny Boyle can captivate audiences with any idea. Hell, if I were tasked to produce Idiocracy's #1 movie "Ass," which will win eight Oscars by featuring nothing but butt for 90 minutes, Boyle would be my first choice to direct. 


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!



Fair Game I thought this was a re-release of 2005's The Interpreter in the hopes it'd make more money this time around. However, this stars Naomi Watts, not Nicole Kidman, and should be much more tolerable. Fair Game's timing couldn't be worse; coming off election week, my guess is audiences couldn't care less about a Bush-era political thriller. 



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Stick around. Later today I'll be posting new FMK Friday and you will want to be sure you get your vote in for this one! Have a good weekend at the movies; I know I will.

The Hump: No. 80

RW Quarterly, Vol. III - Issue 3

Any whore worth his salt knows you have to step back from the daily grind now and again to do a little bookkeeping. The Reel Whore Quarterly indexes all the films I've seen over the last 3 months.



 
Every review I've posted is linked. Films italicized in blue are in the review queue so be sure to check back for those. If a film below deserves a whore-treatment but isn't slated to receive it, request it!


You may notice something a little different about this quarterly edition. If you guessed it's being posted over a month later than usual, that's a bingo! I remembered the quarterly was overdue weeks ago, but I've had a time trying to find time to squeeze in the update. Considering there was no uproar from the masses, I assume it was not missed.

As I reflect on the third quarter of 2010, I am surprised I reviewed more films than originally thought. I watched 32 films this quarter (July through September), a personal worst for me in a long time, but of those I reviewed 13. Having reviewed all 32 films would look much more impressive, but one must have a goal to strive for.

I'm hoping to see a huge upswing during these last two months of 2010.  I've already amassed over a dozen viewings thanks to the influx of zombie flix this past month. While I still find comfort in the warm glow of my television, I anticipate some worthy award contenders to draw me back into the dark of the matinee.

If you see an unreviewed film below that you want my opinion on, please call my attention to it. I've been hellalame about honoring requests this year, but honestly, I am trying to do better.

The Reel Whore's Movies Watched
July 1 to September 30, 2010

85. Whip It
86. Avatar: The Last Airbender
87. From Paris with Love
88. The Burbs
89. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
90. Predators
91. Splice
92. Horsemen
93. Blood and Bone
94. Inception
95. Heavenly Creatures
96. Sorcerer's Apprentice
97. Exiled
98. Salt
99. Get Him to the Greek
100. How to Train Your Dragon
101. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
102. Cyrus
103. Winter's Bone
104. Dinner for Schmucks
105. The Other Guys
106. The Kids Are All Right
107. The Expendables
108. Brooklyn's Finest
109. Eat Pray Love
110. The Switch
111. Defendor
112. The Girl Who Played with Fire
113. Pirahna
114. Machete
115. Get Low
116. You Again

* Movies in Blue are currently in my review queue.

MMM: Fitting Choice

Welcome to November stargazers. After a week of zombies, I'm a little brain-dead. So much so that I decided to leave this Monday Mood Music selection completely up to chance. I woke up, flipped on my pod, hit shuffle and whatever song first played was what you get.

As if the pod somehow read my mind, the tune that you get today is That's What You Get by Paramore. Kinda spooky right? At the very least, it's one hell of a coincidence that the song title fit so well.

I've mentioned before Paramore gives great concert. In fact, they were one of the best shows I saw during the 2010 summer. Considering how chilly-willy it is here today, remembering that 100+ degree evening isn't such a bad thing. While I reminisce about warmer days, you can enjoy this Franklin, Tennessee band's music.

Paramore - That's What You Get

Have a good one.

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Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 7

Happy Halloween Stargazers! In less than 15 minutes, my most anticipated fall television series begins. If you're like me, you're bouncing off the walls to see AMC's The Walking Dead. AMC is using Dawn of the Dead to lead into the new series. In honor of Romero's Of the Dead franchise (and to kill a few minutes before the premier), here's a blast from my review past:

Land of the Dead

Release: 06.24.05
DVD Release: 10.18.05
Rated R; (DVD: UR) 
1 hour, 33 minutes;
(UR: 1 hour, 37 minutes)

Matinee



We've watched zombies evolve from the shambling, grunting corpses of 1968's Night of the Living Dead to those who spew blood a dozen feet and give chase like they’re Usain Bolt a la 28 Days Later. How can the king of the undead genre hope to compete? Simple; writer-director George A. Romero has the zombies who awoke in the night, ravaged in the dawn, and overran in the day now exert their will over the land.

Humans have taken up refuge on an island city where a societal class system is still in effect. The poor masses huddle beneath the Utopian skyscraper of the rich known as Fiddler’s Green. Fiddler’s Green is run by Kaufman (Dennis Hopper, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) who uses money and influence to command an army and a team of scavengers. Riley (Simon Baker, Ring Two) leads the lowly scavengers alongside Cholo, played by everyone’s favorite typecast Latino, John Leguizamo (Spawn). The duo, with scavenger crew in tow, lead a foraging run to a neighboring zombie-infested city where the zombies’ have attained the ability to communicate and react. Shortly following, all Hell breaks loose as the zombies unite to swarm the human outpost.
While the evolution of zombies into thinking, rationalizing creatures is contrary to their very nature, you have to admit that it makes for a cool film concept. Big Daddy zombie uses his jerky movements and disgruntled moans to fuse his rotting brethren into a menacing, unstoppable force. Riley and Cholo are the stereotypical heroes, the Cain and Able if you will, of the scavengers. Riley is a hard-working, honest, and caring leader who just wants to retire far away from the dilapidated existence humans know. Cholo is a self-centered hustler looking to buy his way into Kaufman's high society Kaufman.

As with previous Romero flicks, the humans’ superficial aspirations blind them to the more immediate threat of being devoured by shuffling nimrods, so just imagine the panic and carnage when those nimrods start wielding knives, guns, and jackhammers! Post-apocalyptic vehicles, fireworks, and massive explosions fill the voids between the shallow conflicts emerging among the city’s denizens.
The zombie make-up and special effects are friggin’ awesome. My favorite was the perpetual pearly whites of Number 9. Keep a close eye out for zombies that have made appearances in previous Dead films; in particular the infamous Bub from Day of the Dead and the Seersucker Zombie from the original Night of the Living Dead. I’m certain there had to be more cameos, but with so many zombies in Hollywood, it’s hard to remember all their faces.

Dirty Undies
Ahh, the refreshing aftertaste of an R-rated film! Romero dishes up a sensory overload of violence, cursing and racial slurs! The 65-yr-old even flashes us a nice pair of chesticles; after all this is a man who made his bread and butter in the heyday of the 70’s and 80’s. Watching these shambling, festering corpses take up arms, and literally, arms to fight against the infringing humans is intense. The prolonged sequences of gore and destruction as the undead turn humans into wishbones; tearing hunks from throats, snacking on sausagesque intestines and wrestling over scraps of actual finger foods will surely sate even the sickest of appetites.

The Money ShotNot only does Romero improve upon his zombies, but also his story's undertones. You’ll leave the theater ruminating whether the humans were really the victims. Preponderances aside, Land of the Dead is ideal brain candy for the mindless theater masses.

Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 6

 ***The following review is an encore presentation for the Week of Reel Whorror! ***

 

Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead


Release: 12.09.08
Rated UR
1 hour, 28 minutes


A Netflix Night


It takes a special kind of cinephile to even consider a movie titled, Attack Girls' Swim Team vs the Undead. By the way, it's also known as Joshikyôei hanrangun in its native Japan and Undead Pool by IMDb and the international community. My interest was spawned by a trailer preceding the film, Siren. Never heard of it? Both are Japanese horror films starring adult video (AV) stars. Interested now?

Attack Girls features AV star Sasa Nada as Aki, an orphan raised by a madman and trained as an assassin. Aki wanted more from life; specifically, she dreamed of being a normal high school girl. One night she escapes the complex and slips into a nearby high school. She makes fast friends with a student who encourages her to join the swim team. It just so happens, one of their members has fallen ill and they'd have to forfeit the meet without another swimmer.

Aki agrees and everything seems to be going great. Aki even discovers that her new friend shares a similar birthmark on her chest, leading them to realize they were twin sisters separated at birth! Nothing good comes without a price, however, as the sick swimmer was not an isolated incident. Most of the students and teachers have fallen ill. The strange disease causes those aflicted to turn into shambling, flesh-eating zombies. For reasons unknown, the rest of the swim team seem unaffected by the virus. Under Aki's leadership the girls go on the offensive, trying to stay alive long enough to find a cure.

Is that plot dense and crazy enough for you? If so, don't worry about the hateful swim coach who is brutally murdered only to return unscathed as the nicest teacher on campus. Or let's not ponder why one teacher, when zombified, only speaks English (and yet still gets subtitled)! Attack Girls is a pool of insane ideas that forms a gooey, gushy, sexy, steamy, awkward mess instead of congealing into a poorly executed film. Problems range from minor ones like Aki's vanishing 'birthmark' to a crazy corkscrew mindfuck of a third act where absolutely anything, and I mean anything, goes.

Dirty Undies
Attack Girls is also a misnomer for our band of high school heroines. They should be called Attacked Girls because they are just a group of swimmers who join forces under the leadership of Aki, the only girl with any true fighting skills. Aki does get in a few solid blows, but director Kôji Kawano seems more inclined to have Aki recollect the flute-induced sexual rutting her old mentor gave her at the complex.

The steamy bits aren't all bizarre rape sequences. Any shamelessly exploitative movie rife with teenage girls wouldn't be worth its salt if it didn't include some girl-on-girl action.

The gore and zombie effects aren't much to write home about either. There's a good deal of heavy makeup and colored corn syrup splashed about, but it's all so hokey it could never be considered cringe-worthy.

The Money Shot
I've only scratched the surface of all the problems Attacks Girls suffers from. That said, it's the kind of twaddle that you can't appreciate without having seen it. I recall feeling it was confusing, never-ending crap as the credits rolled, but since then I've found myself smirking at the outrageous silliness of it all. Sometimes terrible movies reach a noteworthy plateau of their own. Would Attack Girls' Swim Team vs the Undead qualify as one of those? You decide.

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