Daniel (Eric Mabius)
Stargazers, I finally got off my duff and managed to contribute to the LAMB MOTM (that's Movie of the Month to you!). Actually, I wrote my post for the inaugural selection, The Big Lebowski, back in June. I just happened to write it one day too late. No matter, I am turning over a new leaf with the September MOTM:
EUROTRIP
Original Release: 02.20.2004
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes
Rating: See below
Predictable Scott Thomas (Scott Mechlowicz, TV: House) already has his summer job lined up, his college enrollment is complete, he's even planned for his girlfriend, Fiona (Kristin Kreuk, TV: Smallville), to attend college with him. But Fiona dumps him at graduation and everyone, both family and friends, hears about it. On the bright side, Scott discovers his German penpal, Mieke (Jessica Boehrs), is a smokin' hot chick. Too bad he thought she was a dude when he emailed to say never contact him again. On the advice of his best friend, Cooper (Jacob Pitts, 21), Scott is convinced the simplest way to reopen communication with his potential soulmate is to go to Germany. Naturally, this last-minute plan is complicated, requiring the boys to fly into London, where they meet up with their friends, twins Jamie (Travis Webster, TV: On the Lot) and Jenny (Michelle Trachtenberg, Ice Princess).
EuroTrip follows in the tried and true tradition of road trip comedies. Guy wants (insert VHS tape/White Castle/girl), object of affection is far away, guy embarks on simple road trip, trip turns needlessly zany and ridiculous. The nuance in EuroTrip is that this road trip takes place in Europe. Scott and his friends traverse London, Paris, Amsterdam, Bratislava, Berlin and Rome via plan
The other fun element of EuroTrip is the cameos
Dirty Undies
Zany adventures and unbelievable plotlines not for you? How about more bare breasts than you can shake a stick at? And speaking of shaking sticks, EuroTrip has more dong than you would ever expect to see in a non-pornographic film. Sadly, neither The Trach n
The Money Shot
By now it's clear that EuroTrip isn't ground-breaking cinema. Things like the Green Fairy and the Vatican debacle are too silly, if that's possible
As for its designation in the annals of the LAMB MOTM; Reel Whore gives EuroTrip LAMB Love. Check out who else feels the way I do.
Death Race
Release: 08.22.2008
Rated R
1 hour, 29 minutes
Matinee ($$$)
LAMBScore:
Jensen Ames (Jason Statham, Cellular) is a steel-working man... for about two minutes of Death Race. See, it's the future, and the good ol' US of A has gone to shit; jobs are scarce, money is tight and morals are loose. Prisons, now run by corporations, have instituted the Death Race to entertain the tired masses and control the burgeoning convict count.
In the history of bad days, Ames loses his job and he's framed for the murder of his wife. The ex-driver finds himself imprisoned, conveniently, under warden Hennessey (Joan Allen, Face/Off). The ice queen of the profitable road rage offers Ames his freedom by taking up the mantle of Frankenstein, a fan-favorite driver who died just one win shy of his liberation.
Based on the 70's exploitation classic Death Race 2000, this update only minimally resembles its original counterpart. As in the Roger Corman version, the characters Frankenstein and Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson, 2 Fast 2 Furious) remain prominent. However, the Death Race of old revolved around killing bystanders during a cross-country race on the open road, not attacking other people on a closed track.
All the characters follow a one-track emotion. Statham plays Ames-Frankenstein as perpetually pissed for the bulk of the film, a man hellbent on vengeance. Allen's Hennesseey is the ultimate cold-hearted bitch. Coach (Ian McShane, Sexy Beast) is plain old tired. The script goal was not to show characters' growth; it was to repeatedly throw obstacles in their way as they ran around in circles.
Dirty Undies
Cars crash, cars explode and people caught in the open get their asses handed to them - assuming enough pieces of their ass can be found in the aftermath. The blazing guns, jets of smoke and repetitive colliding cars get a bit tiresome, but writer-director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil) infuses a few surprises to shake off the boredom.
Statham has only a couple of scenes where he's not crammed into the driver's seat, but spends very few of those kicking ass. My favorite moment is his final encounter with opponent Panchenko (Max Ryan, Kiss of the Dragon), which features the film's best death.
There's an all too-brief body shot, cheek included, of Statham. Even though the drivers have female navigators, Anderson completely stumbles in the gratuitous-flesh department. Seriously, the still below is as steamy as Death Race gets:
Even during a race to the death, there should always be time for a conjugal visit, especially from a hottie like Natalie Martinez.
The Money Shot
If you ponied up the money to see Death Race in the first place, you could give a crap less about emotion and story development as long as the kills are violent and the explosions are loud. Death Race has a decent body count and explosions aplenty. Even so, the drab grayscale world of the future wears thin. Its engine may roar, but Death Race doesn't have the power to take home the prize.
Attention Stargazers!
This week,
life as I know it will end.
How melodramatic does that sound? It's as if you tuned into a Tyler Perry production.
It's not that serious. If you've been wondering why the Reel Whore has been slack about posting and commenting, it's not only because my mind's been on vacation since July. I've been making arrangements with my doctor to remedy some chronic issues.
To paraphrase Ash of the Evil Dead, if the evil gets in you, the best remedy is to lob it off. Since I don't think a chainsaw is the best tool for the job, I'll be letting the doctors work their voodoo magic later this week.
Starting Thursday, the site will auto-update (ideally), continuing to provide you with your must-have dose of whorishness while I am out of commission. Once my head clears from the drug-induced fog, I will take the reins once again.
As I began my trek to work today, my radio blared the last few bars of the perfect song for today's post. I tried to think of a good tune to get folks' blood pumping all weekend, but sometimes it's best to go with the flow.
This song, albeit overplayed this month, is by one of my favorite bands. If you've been to more than two weddings, then you've heard it. Heck, it was played at ours which coincidentally will be exactly two years tomorrow. As I scratch my head over what to get my wife for our anniversary, let's all enjoy the energetic Earth, Wind and Fire in a psychedelic ol' school video of September.
I've seen EWF in concert a few times and they have always given an exhilarating performance, though they've toned their outfits down over the years. Watching bass guitarist Verdine White dance all around the stage is my favorite part of their show.
November 4, 2008 may very well be the most important election of our lives. I mean, who'll finance our movies if our nation's economy crumbles? It's best you discover more about the candidates and what they'll do for you.
Dylan is helping with Obampliments.
In the spirit of equal time:
Joe is helping with Things younger than Republican Presidential candidate (oh, and did I forget to mention war hero?) John McCain.
Photo courtesy of dailykos.com
Burn After Reading
Release: 09.12.08
Rated R
1 hour, 36 minutes
Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)
If you're Joel or Ethan Coen and you've just exhausted yourself finishing what will be one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year, what would you do next? I'd get together with my family and some friends and enjoy myself. That's exactly what the Coens did. For them, enjoyment is penning and directing a dark comedy like Burn After Reading.
The audience enters into the story of Burn quite literally as the world turns, swooping down from the stars into the stark halls of CIA headquarters. Longtime analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovich, Shadow of the Vampire) enters into his supervisor's office. He is told he's being demoted due to his drinking problem, to which he tells his accusers where they can stick their new job and all his years of service. Once home, Osborne can't seek solace from his cold wife, Katie (Tilda Swinton, Constantine), because they are preparing to host guests, including their friend, and Katie's lover, Harry (George Clooney, Intolerable Cruelty). Cut to Linda Litske (Frances McDormand, Friends With Money), a middle-aged lady looking to improve her physique through a series of medical procedures. When Linda's friend and fellow Hardbodies gym employee, Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt, True Romance), uncovers intelligence information on a CD found in a locker room, they concoct a plan to return the CD to its owner, hopefully reaping a bountiful Good Samaritan's reward in the process.
If there's one thing I've learned from my cinematic encounters with the Coen brothers, it's that they write stupid well. Not just stupidity, but egotism and arrogance, too. Even though the characters' stories seem random and only superficially interconnected, Osborne, Katie, Chad, Harry, and Linda are all afflicted with a staggering case of self-involvement. Despite their highest hopes, the world does not revolve around them, which the Coens point out through clever camera work. The assembled cast is excellent. Malkovich plays haughty indignance to perfection. Clooney gets to goof around with some quirky hang-ups and fascinations. Pitt and McDormand, and Richard Jenkins (North Country), who plays their boss, bring clueless to a whole new level.
Burn has a constant intrusion of thrilling espionage music that will keep you on edge as the stories unfold. I fully expected this barrage of random events to erupt into a coherent conclusion like any fulfilling spy movie. That neatly packaged ending never came, but as always, the Coen brothers satisfyingly resolved the film.
Dirty Undies
The confusing story elements really keep you off guard, which is awesome when a random act of violence or sex punches you, causing gut-wrenching laughter. These moments were the most reminiscent of The Big Lebowski for me. Also, Chad has an affinity for the shit; he talks about the shit, gets excited about the shit, thinks the shit will solve all their problems, but can't handle it when the shit rises.
The Money Shot
Despite my excitement, I wasn't completely sold on Burn After Reading. Deep down, my action fiend yearned for some grand climax. When I see it for a second time, I will no doubt enjoy it more. In the best Coen films, there is always something new to be gleaned from multiple viewings. I can't wait to see what I learn next...you best get started so you can tell me what I missed.
Elegy
Release: 08.08.08
Rated R
1 hour, 53 minutes
Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)
Welcome to Part 2 of Cruz Crushin'. After seeing Penélope Cruz stride confidently among, and all over, the cast of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, it was amazing to see her in such a vastly different, and substantially more sane character.
David Kepesh (Ben Kingsley, Sexy Beast) is a literary critic and professor. He was married early in life but escaped from that union years ago. His son, Kenny (Peter Sarsgaard, Kinsey), continues to carry rage over his father's abandonment. David enjoys a unique relationship with a savvy businesswoman and former student, Carolyn (Patricia Clarkson, Married Life). His closest bond is with his trusted friend, poet George O'Hearn (Dennis Hopper, Swing Vote), with whom he talks at length of sexual desires and exploits. When he meets Consuela Castillo (Penélope Cruz, Blow), his student and a woman three decades younger, David's feelings for this magnificent creature debunk his firmly established hedonistic principles.
Elegy, based on the Philip Roth novel, The Dying Animal, is adapted by Nicholas Meyer (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country) and directed by Isabel Coixet (Paris, je t'aime - Segment: Bastille). The film opens with a voiceover from David, making observances on the nature of aging. It's a debate of the mind wanting what the body can no longer have, sexually speaking. When David sees Consuela in his class, his mind immediately wants her but he fears his body will be too old to attract her. However, David is patient and professional. Instead of throwing Ms. Castillo across his desk during his first available office hours, he waits until his post-semester party to court her appropriately.
The courtship and budding romance of David and Consuela is subtly directed, with careful attention to detail, by Coixet. Ironically, the film proves you're never too old to experience young love. The camera is as much in love with Penelope Cruz as David is with Consuela. The film solely chronicles David's life; we know nothing about the other characters outside of their interactions with David.
Ben Kingsley is intense. Watching him sit and stare into the distance is more defining than an hour's worth of dialogue. Cruz matches his excellent performance. Hopper's role, though small, is perhaps his best performance in years. Sarsgaard has an equally minuscule, yet crucial role. His story serves to remind the audience, and David, of his past stance on matters of love and fidelity.
Dirty Undies
The expression 'make love to the camera' comes to my mind again and again with Elegy. In one scene, Patricia Clarkson lounges in a chair dressed in her business attire and just the position of her crossed legs is stimulating. Cruz lies about nude a lot, with each scene carrying a different emotional weight. In the more stressful scenes, I had to remind myself to absorb the pain in her teary eyes, not to etch the image of her ample naked bosom in my mind. 
The Money Shot
Coixet is amazing behind a camera and her cast amazing in front of one. I found myself empathizing with David, which I think was the goal. If anything, this bittersweet tale frustrates because David does exactly those things you expect and that you would do, too, if you were in love for the first time.
It has been a while since I have inducted someone into this prestigious category. It does not mean there is no one providing 'spankable' material, just that lack of time has prevented me from recognizing them.
This special lady was actually my inspiration for this column. It's a shame that even though she was probably one of the first celebrities to jump start my sex drive, she is only now receiving her place of honor. Like a fine wine, I wanted her induction to be aged to perfection for consumption by the masses. Today, this lovely lady turns fifty! That makes her nearly two decades my senior, but to me she is still fab-u-lous! I feen for her as much now as the first time I saw her. Without further ado, I present Spank Bank inductee:
Her Winning Feature: Anyone who knows Jennifer Tilly knows exactly what she's known for:
A-hem! While she is both curvaceous and boobalicious, I love her voice the best. Thanks to her breathy seductive tone, Jennifer can turn reading a grocery list into the most erotic monologue.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER TILLY!
I should have been working diligently this afternoon, writing reviews, making phone calls, building spreadsheets and what not. Instead, my 'Pod's song shuffle resurrected the song Sinkin' Soon from Norah Jones's album Not Too Late. I have always loved this little tune, and with procrastination as my guide, I cruised the internets to discover a while back Ms. Jones made a video to go with it.
Like to hear it? Here it go:
During the lyric, "The golden crust on an apple pie, that shines in the sun at noon." Norah adds a little rasp to 'shines' (check it @ 0:48 and 4:02). It is just too cute and perhaps why I enjoy this so much.
Love the song, but this is a quite bizarre visual accompaniment. Stick it through; her third outfit is not to be missed.
'My blog buddy Friend Mouse reminded me just the other day that "Life is too short for junk tv." Knowing this, I can't believe I wasted two hours and thirteen minutes on some washed-up starlet's infomercial. You may know it better as the 2008 MTV VMAs. The wasted time did stir my ire:
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Release: 08.15.2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 36 minutes
Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)
LAMBScore:
Before I begin, I must admit that I never really warmed up to Penélope Cruz until I saw her in Volver. Since then, my appreciation has increased, especially after seeing her portray two very different women in two films in the span of one weekend. Hence, this review is titled Cruz Crushin', Part I. Yeah, Hence.
***
Woody Allen (Match Point) brings to the screen his latest project, which centers around best friends Vicky (Rebecca Hall, The Prestige) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson, Scoop) as they summer in Barcelona, Spain. Sensible Vicky is there to study for her masters in Catalan identity. Bohemian Cristina tags along, searching for her artistic voice and whatever will excite her in life. That excitement introduces himself as painter Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men) and offers to fly the women to Oviedo where they can wine, dine and make with the sex. Vicky is insulted, Cristina titillated at Juan's sincere offer. Ultimately, the trio take flight and the inclusion of Juan Antonio rattles the ladies' plans, especially when his ex-wife Maria Elena (Penélope Cruz, Volver) and Vicky's fiancé (Chris Messina, Rounders) unexpectedly infringe on their holiday.
If it acts like Woody Allen and sounds like Woody Allen, should I feel guilty that I enjoy it more when it doesn't look like Woody Allen? The dialogue is unmistakably Allen despite his absence from the screen. Hall and Johansson take turns emoting the nervously neurotic inflections of the director. Bardem and Cruz give the words a natural heat; the two ooze sexuality even though reading from Allen's script. I have to mention Patricia Clarkson (Married Life), who appears briefly as Judy, an old family friend who encourages the ladies to enjoy all Barcelona has to offer.
Allen also wisely chooses to focus on the beautiful landscapes and architecture of Barcelona. The cinematography is warm and inviting, probably the best tourist commercial the City could hope to have. Thoughtful discussions of love, loyalty and human nature fit appropriately against the romantic backdrop.
However, the narration does not seem to fit, if you ask some people. I quickly grew accustomed to the omnipotent narrator filling in the story gaps, but wasn't quite sold on the 60's era educational inflection. My wife, on the other hand, had no qualms with it. To each their own, I say. The narration is only a small element to this easily approachable film.
Dirty Undies
It'd be stiff competition for sexiest performance between Vicky, Cristina, Juan Antonio and Maria Elena (no pun intended). Bardem's eyes express an intense passion and just watching him swagger into a scene will make one swoon. Cruz may play a crazy lady, but her frank and honest attitude shows even as she sits spread-legged or tosses her lion's mane of jet black hair about.
I can't help but wonder if Allen isn't piecemeal pimping Ms. Johansson to audiences. She's been oiled up bareback (Match Point), lifted wet and shimmering from the pool (Scoop), and here she not only has rather liberal sexual relations with her Spanish friends, but nearly exposes her ample breasteses to the world. I figure at this rate she'll be fully nude by their fifth collaboration. If it's for our benefit, great. If it's for his benefit, Soon-Yi best keep an eye out!
The Money Shot
Vicky Cristina Barcelona is exactly that, a film about two women lost in the alluring fantasy of a beautiful City - even if only for a short time. Like a romantic evening, it's full of tasty treats and warm lighting; there's great conversation and some anxiety; and there's a little sexual exploration before reality returns.
I normally avoid getting political on my blog. But when People's Sexiest Man of the Year and inaugural Spank Bank inductee Matt Damon takes the time to voice his concerns about issues surrounding the upcoming election, I think we need to sit down and listen.
Here's a brief commentary by Damon as reported by the Associated Press:
The Fall
I'd like to take a moment to update you on some important information dealing with the Reel Whore. First, the latest poll results are in. Because there were very few horror flicks opening between now and Halloween, I asked you, my readers, which of the following upcoming releases scare you the most. Here's what you said.
Care Bears Creepy (tie, 0 votes):
My Best Friend's Girl, Eagle Eye
It's a shame, but the charismatic appeal of Dane Cook and Shia LaBeouf helped us sleep safe with these picks.
Gremlins Gory (tie, 1 vote):
The Family That Preys, Nights in Rodanthe
Out of the ten votes cast, only two people cringed at the thought of sitting through another Tyler Perry production or Nicholas Sparks adaptation.
Michael Meyers Massacre (2 votes):
Bangkok Dangerous
Looking like he was auditioning for the sequel to The Wig, Nicolas Cage managed to freak out only a couple of folks. Surprisingly, Fletch of Blog Cabins wasn't afraid of no Cage.
And the overwhelming winner is:
Fucked Up, Leatherface Style (6 votes):
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Be afraid, stargazers, be very afraid. Behold the chihuahua without all the Hollywood flash:
That's some scary shit right there.
10. 3:10 to Yuma (2007)
If you're like most people, you avoided seeing Nicolas Cage's Bangkok Dangerous this past weekend. Maybe you are truly a Cage fan but couldn't get down with that wackadoo, or maybe you just loathe the man like others I know. Either way, the Reel Whore will be taking part in the ultimate fair shake for Cage. Blog Cabins will begin CAGEFEST this week so swing by and revel in the pros and cons of Cage's career.
Gather 'round stargazers and let us stare at the horrors unfolding in September. According to IMDB, we can expect thirteen major releases this month with another eight in limited release. While some of those limited films pique my interest, I have committed to giving lip service, nay, full service, to the thirteen. How truly unlucky I am.
It's as if everyone's attention will be fixed on the premieres of quality fall television programing, leaving us avid film sluts at the mercy of the smelly, snaggle-toothed riff-raff that answered the open call. Let's just get this over with.
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Bangkok Dangerous (09.05) I don't know what's more ridiculous, Cage portraying a callous assassin with a sudden attack of conscience or seeing him do it with that hair! The hair isn't even the worst of it, check this:
Yeah. I have no desire to see 'Tex' ad lib his own Sukiyaki Western Django nor do I care to see this hella-lame version of last fall's Hitman. If this whets your appetite for more Cage-centric banter, head on over to Blog Cabins for CAGEFEST all next week!
The Women (09.12) This is the story of four gal pals living the ups and downs of life in the Big Apple. It's also the tale of a struggling actress pleading for remembrance (Meg Ryan), a writer who hasn't browned her Murphy in over a decade (Diane English), and an excuse to have a black lesbian named Alex (Jada Pinkett Smith). In reality, it's the tale of Hollywood's blatant grift of women's money after the estrogen-induced fervor of Sex & the City but before new episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
Igor (09.19) John Cusack lends his voice to the lead hump in this flick out to prove that Disney's hunchback flop was a fluke. I wish I knew who decided there needed to be an animated kids' film every month of the year? They should be strapped down and forced to watch every slapped- together piece of animated sludge until they can imbibe the jellied remains of their own eyes through a straw.
My Best Friend's Girl (09.19) Kate Hudson's range as an actress is about as narrow as her behind. Even though I do enjoy me some Dane Cook, seeing this trailer makes me feel as if I've discovered someone has shit on the coats. I've got nothing against Biggs; he's gotta get work when he can even if it's for playing 'Guess who's in my mouth?"
Eagle Eye (09.26) Eagle Eye has to be an experiment by Spielberg to prove LaBeouf can carry a film. That's why we don't know anything about the characters, the plot or why Julianne Moore is channeling the Jigsaw killer. While Rosario and I are like this, son!, I can't help but feel this stink-ola film of Shia's will inch him ever closer to Face Punch territory.
Nights in Rodanthe (09.26) Ever hear the expression there's nowhere to go but up? Diane Lane has, too, though an adaption of a Nicholas Sparks novel may not cut it. On the plus side, she's got James Franco, Richard Gere and the beautiful Outer Banks of North Carolina (represent!) all supporting her attempt to climb out of her Jumper/Untraceable funk. If it doesn't work, she can always be trampled the wild horses of Corolla.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
The Family That Preys (09.12) I mentioned back in March that I have shunned Tyler Perry films, instead choosing to watch, well, good films. Being a Southerner, the prospect of Cole Hauser playing modern day masta to the cast is not an appealing one. The prospect of watching Sanaa Lathan, however, is a very appealing one and I can't help but feel Alfre Woodard's five fingers are gonna say SLAP! to the side of someone's face by the film's end.
Righteous Kill (09.19) I should be just a "lil bit" "whoo-ah" over this film given that DeNiro and Pacino play the leads; tough NYC cops. They even pad the odds with stellar supporting actors Brian Dennehy, John Leguizamo, the yummy Carla Gugino and Donnie Wahlberg...um yeah, those first three are great. Still, the story feels stale and I'd wager a guess as to who's the vigilante, but I won't waste my money (on that bet or this movie).
Lakeview Terrace (09.19) I'm Samuel L. Jackson! I'm the star of this here mutha-fuckin' movie! In it, I'm the PO-LICE! You have to do what I say! You will go see this mutha-fuckin' movie! If you don't you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my five-iron upon thee!
Why am I yellin'? Oh yeah, this is the way I talk!
***
Then She Found Me
